to think OH shouldn't go to football

[newmumwithquestions]

We have a 3 mo and an 18 mo.

OH works full time. He goes into work early/stays late so he can go to the gym near work about 3 times a week. I don't mind that.

Every Sunday evening he plays football. He really enjoys it.
I have a 50/50 chance that during this time I tear my hair out with screaming baby/toddler/both. Hes only out for 90 mins but it's exactly at the time we normally eat and is meltdown o'clock.

Today I didn't eat an evening meal. I'm bf so permanently hungry (and grumpy when hungry😄). Dinner was prepped (by OH) but I had to try to calm a melted down baby by holding/walking around whilst feeding a toddler at the same time. Once 18mo was fed it's bathtime then I bf the 3mo for a long feed pre-bed by which point it was too late to eat.

If this happens on other evenings there are 2 of us we pass the 3mo between us taking turns to serve up, eat etc.

We could change the routine so that everyone eats earlier which would then fit in with football, but can't because during the week OH gets in late from work (because of going to the gym) and 18mo needs reasonably consistent teatime/bedtime.

To be fair OH usually pulls his weight with doing stuff to help with the kids/round the house.
AIBU to think he shouldn't go to football?? Or at least not on the days when 3mo has had a short nap so is going to kick off??

writer as I have said its not clear.

I used to get up at 5am took to the gym. If dh complained I got more leisure time I would have laughed as he slept in until 7.30 everyday when the kids got up. If he wanted the same amount time on his own he was welcome to get up at 5am and do something.

Or go when the kids were in bed. As it stood it didn't bother dh. As it didn't impact him at all. Everyone was still asleep when I got back.

It's possible the gym going doesn't impact the OP as she seems happy with it. I just wanted clarification about wether it does or not.

Posters keep saying he is gone four nights a week, but the OP says he is there the other nights.

Where do people get that the OP's DH is out four nights a week from? In the OP it says he stays late at work or goes in early three times a week, to use the gym there. That's nothing like the same as being out all evening. It's - I'm guessing - just adding an hour or so onto his working day.

I'm also amazed at everyone who calls the gym a "hobby." Keeping fit isn't a hobby, surely it's pretty essential, especially if the DH is in a desk job so can't get out for long walks during the day.

And yes, I do think the OP should have equal opportunity to go the gym - or have time for herself doing what she wants to do, if the gym isn't it.
(In our household, both DH and I set aside around 90mins a day each for exercise. We have a six week old and a three year old. IMO It's do-able for most people if you prioritise it, and that's what we choose to do).

Hello. OP here. The reason it's not such a problem with the gym is due to timing - football is later in the evening than the gym. On gym nights he gets in an hour/hour and a quarter late - his gym session takes longer than this when you include getting there, changed etc but he works through lunch to leave work early to go to the gym, or takes an extra long lunchtime at the gym and then stays late to make up the time. So he forgoes his lunch break on gym days to try to minimise how late he'll be which I feel is making an effort so it doesn't grate on me the way football does. Also once he's in we all eat together (passing 3mo between us if she's close to having a meltdown) then we bath a LO each, then he settles 18mo and I feed/settle 3mo. So I don't have to do bedtime on my own. It works for us - even on gym days he arrives home as it's starting to get to grizzle o'clock and I really appreciate that 2nd pair of hands.
By grizzle oclock I mean that time of the day when the 3mo is tired and screams if you try to put them down (they get put down in bouncer/on playmat etc during the day and are fine, and slings were a godsend during the first few weeks but don't seem to work anymore).
18 mo doesn't react well to bedtime being moved around daily - I could make bedtime earlier permanently and DH could help before he went to football but then he wouldn't be in on time to help on the 3 gym nights.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm still at the stage of wanting help with the pre-bed grizzly stage for the 3mo and with getting the 18mo to bed. I'm hoping that once the 3mo is older and not attached to a boob for ages in the evening it will be easier at which point I'll be happier to put them both to bed on my own. But in the meantime I want help as I find it the toughest time of the day. So on a Sunday I try to work it so that it won't be a nightmare whilst he's out but sometimes I get it wrong and naps and feeds just don't quite work out like planned, and on those occasions I'd like help.
Hats off to any single parents of 2 under 2 out there - it's not easy.

And regarding 'letting a team down' for football, it's a friendly kick around - not a regular team. So he could turn up on some weeks and not others without letting a team down.

Do you get the opportunity to have any me-time? Gym, hobbies, friends, etc?

If it is just a friendly kick about rather than a match, then yes he should stay home more often, particularly if they are likely to be worse than usual.

Threads like this can get ruined by the exaggeration. Not the op, but others saying 'he's out four nights of the week'. Hardly. He's out an hour 3 nights of the week. Plenty of time for the op to go out too. On the same night even.

That said, yanbu op. It isn't the 90 mins, rather the timing of said 90 mins. Can you play it by ear whether he goes it not depending on the dc or does he need to commit earlier?

Like others have said, make sure you get out too. Even for a run/walk around the block.

No I don't get that time to myself,
**Runningupthathill I am amazed that with a 6 week old you get 90 mins exercise EACH???? How?? Do you ever see each other? Do you have help or am I just incompetent?

On gym days DH is out for about 12 hours 7-7 (roughly 8 hours work, 2 hour gym and 2 hour commute). I vary when I get up as it depends on feeds but it could be before or slightly after DH depending on the day. Then I'd say on average there's 1 day a week that DH gets caught up and has to work late/go to London on the train which also means being back at 7, occasionally later. Really can't see how I'd get a chance to escape without kids on the days he's in at 7. He then does 1 day a week working from home, which has been earmarked as a swimming day for me (yippeeee 😄) as he'll finish at 5:30 and I can get out. One morning over the weekend I'll get out to go swimming, the other morning we do something as a family (nothing flash, a walk or something like that). Then on average he'll get out to do something (eg a run) on Saturday afternoon. So it's not all doom and gloom but it's far from equal. But I don't need it to be equal, just more equal.
But posting this has helped so thanks all. I have decided that the general majority is that IANBtotallyU which weirdly makes me a bit happier. He's still going to go to football every ruddy week and I'm still going to hate it but I don't have to feel like poo when I struggle with it.

Glad you're feeling a bit better, OP.

And no, we don't have help, and I'm sure you're not incompetent! Just that we tend to structure stuff around our exercise time rather than the other way round. We don't watch tv really, dinner is often late, and housework is slotted in where it can go.

During the week we both do shorter gym classes (spin etc) or shorter runs of up to an hour, then weekends are long run days or races, plus outdoors stuff with the children.
When I was at work (on mat leave at the mo from a job with longish hours) I ran to and from work as I couldn't fit the runs in so easily otherwise.

Night feeds with the newborn helps too - I tend to stick the dishwasher on at the first night feed, unload it when I'm up for the next feed, and then put the washing machine on so it's ready to be unloaded in the morning. That way I don't have to do so much in the day.

If I were you and had your routine I'd be out the door the minute your DH came in at 7pm, handing over any bath/bed duties not done by then. He's already had his gym session, so "his" time is done. This is then "your" time for gym, swimming, whatever.
You could then be back by 8, half 8,for dinner together, then bed. Your DH would've cooked in this time or at the least, reheated something you'd prepped. I know this wouldn't work for everyone, but that's how we make it work.

I really think that you should insist on getting all the leisure time your DH does - and if that means he has to do far more at home,then good.

18 mo doesn't react well to bedtime being moved around daily - I could make bedtime earlier permanently and DH could help before he went to football but then he wouldn't be in on time to help on the 3 gym nights.

in the next couple of years your toddler will need more of a routine. What about when they start school?

I know you baby will be older. But he won't see his child on the nights he is going to the gym.

I know you issue is the football and not the gym. But it sounds like, for the time being, the gym is causing more issues.

You say you child doesn't like having bedtime moved. But you are doing it anyway to facilitate him going to the gym. I really think this needs to be hanged for the time being.

Of course it's unfair.
Don't think OP that you're restricted because your DC are so young and it will even up when they're older. The experience of many women would suggest this is far from the case. Once the pattern of entitlement is set, it doesn't tend to change.