to think OH shouldn't go to football

[newmumwithquestions]

We have a 3 mo and an 18 mo.

OH works full time. He goes into work early/stays late so he can go to the gym near work about 3 times a week. I don't mind that.

Every Sunday evening he plays football. He really enjoys it.
I have a 50/50 chance that during this time I tear my hair out with screaming baby/toddler/both. Hes only out for 90 mins but it's exactly at the time we normally eat and is meltdown o'clock.

Today I didn't eat an evening meal. I'm bf so permanently hungry (and grumpy when hungry😄). Dinner was prepped (by OH) but I had to try to calm a melted down baby by holding/walking around whilst feeding a toddler at the same time. Once 18mo was fed it's bathtime then I bf the 3mo for a long feed pre-bed by which point it was too late to eat.

If this happens on other evenings there are 2 of us we pass the 3mo between us taking turns to serve up, eat etc.

We could change the routine so that everyone eats earlier which would then fit in with football, but can't because during the week OH gets in late from work (because of going to the gym) and 18mo needs reasonably consistent teatime/bedtime.

To be fair OH usually pulls his weight with doing stuff to help with the kids/round the house.
AIBU to think he shouldn't go to football?? Or at least not on the days when 3mo has had a short nap so is going to kick off??

He has 4 days including leisure activities - 3 with the gym and one football, if you don't have the same (even if it's just time sitting in peace having a coffee / bath) then it's unfair. Personally I wouldn't appreciate being left alone with the kids for 4 times a week while he does his own thing just because he can, especially when your children are so small.

but I wouldn't go out and leave him with a tired screaming baby and hungry toddler.

Well, perhaps you should?

Thanks all. I'm still not quite sure if I'm being unreasonable or not although the concensious seems to be maybe I am and I def just need to give myself a kick up the bottom and make sure I eat. However it's good to see some quite strongly differing opinions.

To clarify a couple of things (don't mean to drip feed - didn't realise my initial post was unclear).

It's not that I begrudge him doing an activity, it's that its gym 3 times a week AND football AND me being the one that gets up every night if required (bfeeding 3mo so its usually me that has to deal with it) AND that I deal with it all day every day AND that its the timing of football that if there is ever a time in the week when its all going to kick off this is the time.

OH also gets out to do other stuff - eg he popped out to go and see a friend as well yesterday - I didn't mention this in my initial post as it wasn't a problem as it was at an easy time of day (ie not grizzle grumble meltdown oclock).

I do normally eat (lots!). But will give myself a kick up the bottom and sort out my mealtimes so I eat a big lunch on a Sunday so if I don't eat much in the evening I'm not having a hungry meltdown. To explain why I didn't eat yesterday, after bath time 3mo has a massive cluster feed then I settle her for the night - I'm reluctant to mess around with her desire to do this as she then has a long sleep which means I get to sleep to. I can't eat during this time and when this was over it was after 10pm and I was too tiredand needed to sleep. OH ate whilst I was bfeeding. Eating with the 18 mo is normally most efficient way to do it as 18 mo is in the highchair - if it's play time I'm fully occupied stopping the 18mo poke the 3mo in the eye/sit on her/pull her head off. A plate of hot food really wouldn't help at these times, frankly a cup of tea is usually too much to handle. But I will make OH take 1 or 2 of them away long enough for me to eat on a Sunday.

So assume I've eaten so not hungry grumpy 😄. It's still meltdown oclock and I have an overtired 3mo who is screaming because she had a crap afternoon nap and now needs to go to bed and I have a hungry tired toddler who is also screaming because she also randomly had a crap afternoon nap and needs to eat then go to bed and I can only deal with one of them effectively at a time because I'm not superwoman and OH still happily walks out to play football...

...surely he's being a bit unreasonable?

Yes. But you need to adjust your whole week so that you BOTH get the same time out and he learns that it is not plain sailing looking after both kids at the same time and he will only know that by experiencing it.

We cannot make this happen. Only you can start to make things equal between you.

YABU,must change the meal time for one night. It won't hurt the toddler one bit.

He works, pulls his weight in the house and prepped tea before he left so 90mins is not a lot to ask for in return.

If he walks out after all that then he is BU

newmum YANBU

My DP does hobbies 3 times a week, works away once a week and stays late to meet friends then goes to watch the football on a saturday and may go clothes shopping in a sunday.

On the rare occassion i can pin him down so i can go out i get phone calls asking what time i'll be home, where various things are kept, to tell me he's just changed DS' nappy.... i now switch my phone off when i go out

Your DH needs to knock a night of exercising/socialising on the head if it coinsides with grumpy DC. Its not fair that you should have to deal with it all the time whilst he carries on as though life hasnt changed - i know how stressful it can be and how quickly the resentment can build.

Have you told him how difficult the kids can be and what impact this has on you?

I agree with the posters saying you need to find hobbies for yourself and find ways of making it easier at this time (main meal for Sun lunch etc) rather than ask him to give up his team sport.

YANBU at all!!!!

He goes out three nights a week to go to the gym and then goes out at the weekend too all the time leaving you with the children?

When you say he "does his bit" what does he actually do??

I can never imagine a mother having three evenings to herself and also having a weekend night off to - why do men think that their life can carry on as normal once children arrive and expect the mother to just do everything? I don't get it?! And why is it considered to be ok?

He may do a bit of housework (round of applause) but how much of the day-to-day hard slog of parenting does he do?

And you should both get equal downtime. If he thinks he is entitled to 4 episodes a week of leisure time and to pursue his hobbies then so do you - and the fact there aren't 8 days in the week highlights the problem.

He needs to cut back. I would be saying he can do the football but can only go to the gym once a week and that on two occasions a week you get some you-time. I know that's difficult when you have a BF baby but somehow you need to make time for yourself, even if it means parking yourself in the spare room with a good book or a box set for a few shitting the door and letting your husband do mealtimes and bedtimes himself.

Prior to me having DS my DH was captain of a cricket team, a football team and also went to the gym three times a week after work. When DS arrived he gave up his football and although he still went the gym three times a week he went before work instead so that he could be home every evening instead.

He saw this as completely fair as he knew that children means making sacrifices and accepting that life doesn't carry on as normal.

If I was in your situation OP I would be seriously pissed off.

Would you want more time to yourself to even the score, or would you prefer it if he was at home more to take on a bigger share of the childcare?

I don't think you are being U. I think it's pretty bloody obvious that one can't just swan about carrying on as normal when there are two very small children at home that need hands-on care.

It won't be forever.

Maybe he should give up a gym session if he wants to do football as well?

4 evenings a week is a lot. My OH gave up his fishing hobby for the 1st year and usually arranges to go out after our 2 yo is in bed so the evening is easier and I just have our 9 week old. He can't enjoy himself when he's out if he knows I'm struggling at home. He has a lads night once a week and also plays golf some evenings.
We also pre make lots of dinners for us and our son and freeze them so if we're short on time we can put a nice healthy home cooked dinner in the microwave, this has definitely been a life saver on busy days.
I also bf so understand how demanding it can be ( but at least we don't have the added faff of bottles)
I agree with you on keeping your routine as much as possible if your 18mo needs it. My eldest really did need his routine, he really struggled when we didn't keep to his feeding and sleeping times at that age but he's just turned 2 and has become a lot more flexible, so although it's difficult now it will get easier (this is what I'm telling myself every half hour atm)
YANBU

I think if he was just going out for a drink or to the gym on the Sunday, he might be unreasonable to leave when you are having a bad day but as it is a team sport, he has made a commitment to othes so should go.
It sounds as if this was a particulary bad day so that shouldn't be a reason to give up football. If it is causing problems every week, is look at changing the routine to fit better.

but as it is a team sport, he has made a commitment to othes so should go

One might say that raising children is a team sport and that he should be honouring his commitment to them and his wife by actually being around to look after them....

Hobbies four nights a week with young children? Ridiculous
And people seriously wonder why 50 per cent of marriages end in divorce??
Yanbu

I think him going out four nights a week when you have two very young children is massively unfair on you. If he wants to keep up his Sunday night football he needs to drop two of the gym sessions, or go at lunchtime or early morning if that would work. It's hard being home with babies all day, and you need him to share the load. Have a chat.

Does he go out four nights a week?

The op says every other night a part from Sunday he is there if there are problems at meal times.

It's not really clear.

She has said in her original post that three nights a week he comes home late because he goes to the gym.

Therefore on 4 nights a week he is sacrificing his time with the family when he should be helping his wife, to pursue his own hobbies.

So he is at the gym 3 nights and football something has to give while the children are young its not fair on you will he drop a gym night

She has said in her original post that three nights a week he comes home late because he goes to the gym.

Yes I know but she also says If this happens on other evenings there are 2 of us we pass the 3mo between us taking turns to serve up, eat etc.

That's why I said it's not clear.

I think you've had some good suggestions that would allow him to keep doing football which sounds important to him - make Sunday lunch the main meal, ask him to drop evening gym sessions - but most of all you need to sit down and talk to him about rebalancing things and both of you getting your needs met. Having 2 under 2 must be tough.

I think what people are saying is that yes, on those three nights a week he is still gone for food and bedtime etc but it doesn't detract away from the fact that on 4 occasions a week he is pursuing his hobbies whereas the OP had no time to herself and as a result of his leisure time she is taking on the majority of the childcare. I think it's the imbalance that posters feel is unfair not the fact he's actually going to the gym.

Perhaps writerwannabe but playing sport once a week doesn't mean he isn't committed to his family. I'd find the gym nights more of an issue and if the mum doesn't get equal time to herself.

Completely agree Amelia - I didn't mean the football alone means he isn't committed to his family, I meant that the four times a week he gets to pursue his own hobbies whilst his wife gets nothing doesn't show much commitment to her.

I would be more pissed off about all the gym going too.

I would suggest having the dc dressed for bed before your oh leaves for football. I would skip the bath (if it is only one evening per week) or do it earlier in the afternoon(if really needed). Prepare the meals for you and toddler earlier, they can be reheated in the microwave when needed. Put toddler in highchair/playpen and baby in bouncer chair/crib whilst you are eating (it won't take so long to eat, if it is just being reheated rather than cooking). It is tough, balancing a toddler and small baby so don't be too hard on yourself. If it is bothering you, that you need your oh around more (obviously outside of work time), ask him to wait until the dc are settled/in bed before going out/going to the gym. Don't let your frustration build into resentment, talk to your dh. To a certain extent, priorities and routines need to change/be altered when you have young dc (he needs to help you prepare so it's easier when you are on your own). As Roy Keane says "If you fail to prepare, Prepare to fail"