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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re: Mother's Day lie in?

59 replies

AlarmOnSnooze · 04/03/2016 22:10

H and I have a system at weekends. We each have a lie in on one of the days, while the other gets up, does all child related stuff, breakfast etc.

We have been doing this for the last 8 months or so, and up until now, if for any reason the usual routine is disrupted (I have a lie in on Saturday, he has a lie in on Sunday) then we just take it on the chin. Eg, I had to get up early (stupidly early ie 4am) on my lie in day when we went on holiday recently. Such is life. I didn't get a replacement day, or ask to swap it, it's just how the dice fell.

In January, dd2's Saturday ballet class time changed. She now needs to be there by 9am. So not much of a lie in for me anymore, since I either need to be up to take her to ballet, or I need to be up to supervise the other dc if H takes her. Again, no complaint from me, that's the way life is. My only comment was to ask H to make sure everything was done by the time I got up, as I didn't want to be finishing off getting dc dressed, or sorting breakfast etc, on my lie in day.

So, earlier this evening, having put the dc to bed, H turned to me and said 'so, since it's Mothers Day on Sunday, do you want to keep your lie in as tomorrow (Saturday), or swap it for Sunday?' (Implication being if I keep it as tomorrow, then I'll be getting up on Sunday so he can have a lie in!)

AIBU to think this is a bit crap? He isn't working at the moment, so doesn't have to get up and get going particularly early in the week. I get up all week with the dc, sort breakfast and school stuff, do lunches, and take dc on school runs. He gets up and wanders about a bit, and may help with teeth cleaning, but that's it. And now he is resenting the fact that I might get an 'extra' lie in on Sunday (which isn't even an extra one, given I don't really get one on Saturday given the ballet time change).

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 04/03/2016 22:46

He is neither use nor ornament. I'll put money on him having a little nap every day while everyone's out at school or work. How can he justify doing absolutely nothing?

Original poster
AlarmOnSnooze · 04/03/2016 22:47

To be fair to him, he has been working extremely hard at getting a job. He was (genuinely unfairly - has been compensated for it) fired last August.

Contractually and legally, he was unable to work before end of last month. He has been on gardening leave.

But no, no keeping the house tidy, no helping out cooking, or with homework or music practise.

And yes, there are much bigger problems. But they are what they are. I still can't believe he's trying to nab my Mothers Day lie in!

OP posts:
toastedbeagle · 04/03/2016 22:48

daffodil really?! I look forward to my lie in all week! Official lie in period runs from 7-8:45am, it's hardly half the morning, but it's enough to make life worth living.

OP you should def get the lie in.

DoreenLethal · 04/03/2016 22:48

A - you want both days as a lie in
B - he needs to pull his finger out of his arse and do some fucking house stuff.

Why are you letting him get away with it?

BillBrysonsBeard · 04/03/2016 22:56

The lie-in issue is the least of your problems. He should be doing the school runs and sorting lunches etc if he is the SAHP. It's all about teamwork and contributing equally to make life easier for everyone. You sound like you're doing everything and you're going to burn out. A big chat is needed!

neonrainbow · 04/03/2016 22:56

What does he do to make your life easier?

Original poster
AlarmOnSnooze · 04/03/2016 23:02

BillBryson - I don't go out to work. I haven't been able to since dd1 was small. It's just not logistically possible with 3x SN, and children at 2 different schools (will be 3 different schools when youngest starts in Septemebr).

Neon - overall, I'm not sure there is much. Obviously up until now he has been the earner (and will be again, as he has far more earning power than me since I've been out of the workplace for about 15 years), but in the scheme of daily life? Well, it's stuff like the alternating weekend lie ins, giving me a breathing space from the daily grind. And he will parent alongside, eg when out and about at weekends, which is vital given the differing needs of the dc (virtually impossible for one person to take all 3 out and about singlehandedly)

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 04/03/2016 23:02

Oh wheesht daffodil you joy sucker. Bet you're up with the birds every morning, just because you should be because you're an adult. I plan to stay in bed 'til 9 tomorrow and let's ds play on his Xbox until then because I'm an adult, and there's no need to get up early if there's nothing pressing to be done.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/03/2016 23:03

Do you work op? Sorry if I missed it, but I don't think you said.

You should get a lie in on Mother's Day.

angielou123 · 04/03/2016 23:13

I'd just swap days and be done. If he's not considerate enough to let you have an extra day, it's not worth stressing over.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/03/2016 23:15

Well just say, "No I want both lie ins this weekend because I do all the faffing every flipping school morning; I think I've earned it, don't you?"

Only a complete arse could argue with that.

Original poster
AlarmOnSnooze · 04/03/2016 23:17

I'm not going to stress over it.

I'm venting here a bit, but tbh, I was mostly amused that he would even ask. It's so far beyond taking the piss.

I'm sticking with my lie in tomorrow because it's also my day to take dd2 to ballet, which means a fairly peaceful morning right up to about 11.30.

If he insists I get up on Mothers Day then so be it. He'lol be the one having to answer the dc's questions as to why, not me.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 04/03/2016 23:18

Dear god! I'd swap the day and tbh, I'd swap him. He's beyond fucking lazy.

hownottofuckup · 04/03/2016 23:22

I'd swap and go for a lie in on mother's day and stay there for freakin hours I wish
But i've been ground down by years of selfish twatishness so don't listen to me!

SoThatHappened · 04/03/2016 23:27

All this lie in stuff is lazy, is my honest opinion. There's no need for adults to laze around half the morning in bed.

why not?

Why does it concern you if someone does it?

expatinscotland · 04/03/2016 23:29

If he insists? He does FA.

Cressandra · 04/03/2016 23:57

I think you need to tell him that last paragraph of your OP. You have a much bigger problem here than just Mother's Day. If he doesn't help week in week out, it would be way out of character for him to suddenly offer to do more than 50%.

FWIW I would take the offer to swap. You're switching a crappy lie in for a decent one, you should be getting half the sundays anyway (if not all weekend days, if you do all weekdays singlehanded). But you are already pissed off with him not doing much day to day and this Mothers' Day thing is the straw that broke the camel's back. Let that straw go. Look to the rest of the bundle instead, and sort out a fairer system week in, week out.

Ocelotsmama · 05/03/2016 00:07

He is being a tit and owes you an extra lie in (a third) for being so. Mothers day is ONE bloody day a year - shouldn't be begrudgingly given!

Fatmomma99 · 05/03/2016 00:13

Others have responded to you as I would have done, alarmonsnooze, and i hope you manage to change the dynamic.

Only posting to say:

daffodilsandbooks Biscuit

SweetheartLittleLove · 05/03/2016 00:13

I feel better having read this.

My DH stays in bed until about 11am every Saturday and Sunday, never gets DC ready for the day etc (in fact never does any DC stuff) and is annoyed that I said I want a lie in on Mothers Day.

I don't even want to stay in bed, I just don't want to do the DC stuff for one morning!

I will bet any money DH won't get out of bed on Sunday, or if he does, he won't dress DC, won't give a proper breakfast, won't take DC out and will be moody the rest of the day.

Cornishclio · 05/03/2016 07:30

I had this issue years ago when my two DDs were tiny and I was a SAHM. My DH though was working during the week but weekends he was still thinking of days before we had DC and would leave me to do everything. I decided something had to change so applied for a Saturday job in accounts department in department store. We were tight for money so it helped financially and no childcare costs and my DH finally got how much work looking after two tinies is. I enjoyed my day away from childcare TBH and it gave me back some confidence in working ready for when I went back to work a few years later.

OP I know you said yours have SN but your DH needs to step up if he isn't working. You should be changing your lie in day to Sunday every week and he should be doing some of the getting ready in the week. What if you went out to work instead and let him get on with it?

Original poster
AlarmOnSnooze · 05/03/2016 11:45

Work isn't an option - firstly I'd need retraining/qualifications to bring in anything like a reasonable wage (to compensate for the specialist childcare costs), and I still wouldn't be anywhere near his earning potential. He won't be out of work long now, up until now has been contractually enforced, and he has several prospects lined up, it just takes time.

I would love to work, but H won't commit to helping out with the dc (as in being home in time for bedtime, as they need the stability of either parent being there) regularly. He can, however commit to various other committees etc. Recently a school governor position came up at one school - he wouldn't commit to being able to be home for me to go to meetings 4 times a year, but instead stood for governor himself. That's the kind of attitude I'm up against.

I'm trying to arrange it so that I can get some studying done (already had to ditch one degree as he wasn't stepping up enabling me to get work done evenings/weekends) but it's difficult.

Anyway, I had my lie in this morning. Nothing has been said about tomorrow, so we'll see what happens. I think he may have just opted out of taking the dc to town to get Mothers Day cards because it is raining.

I couldn't care less, but they will be sad tomorrow if hey don't have anything to mark the day. Dd2 in particular feels it a lot. They are too young/needs too severe to organise it themselves without help.

OP posts:
HermioneJeanGranger · 05/03/2016 11:52

Sorry OP, but the more you post, the more horrendous he sounds.

What do you get out of this relationship? He doesn't work, doesn't help with the children, won't stay home so you can work, won't let you lie-in at all. He sounds selfish and lazy and actually quite unpleasant.

Your poor DC growing up with a father like that.

Cressandra · 05/03/2016 13:45

That sounds awful Alarm. How on earth could he justify the governor thing? Does he have no respect for you at all? I just can't get my head round him not sharing school runs & housework, let alone your last post.

Lightbulbon · 06/03/2016 08:53

This shows how mums with SN dcs are more likely to be domestically abused.

You are more vulnerable and dependent because of your dcs SN and he is exploiting this.

Are you really better off staying than leaving and getting maintenance?

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