to say no to organising a hen do for a wedding I'm not even invited to?

[Carlywurly]

This is awkward. Slightly senior colleague, unaware she is very unpopular at work (mainly because she is very bossy and self obsessed) I sit near her alongside a woman who is her friend, but who is slightly socially awkward and also rubs people up the wrong way. I have to tolerate them both in a professional capacity. I'm naturally friendly so find it hard to be too chilly even though they both get on my wick.

Anyway, colleague getting married soon. Has been banging on and on about it for years. Only two people from work invited. Not me, which I'm totally fine with. Today it was suggested by the bride to her friend (who is invited) across the desks that I'd help the friend organise a work hen do for her. I totally ignored the conversation and left the room. (This will not be recognised as a hint)

The thing us, I know nobody will want to go, I don't particularly want to go either - I'm busy and I want no part in organising a hen do for a wedding I'm not even going to but I don't want to be cruel either - Aibu in saying no?

It is barking mad attention seeking. Which can only end in awkwardness when literally nobody wants to go. I'm cringing imagining it.

Just told dp, he said "why the fuck would you have a hen do with people you haven't even invited to your wedding?" Which pretty much sums it up.

Just remembered being invited to a hen do once by a co worker but not he wedding ( which was fine, family only close friends, no wish to attend)

I didn't go and she was offended by the few of us who were busy. It's just a bit odd - to attend a hen do but not a wedding etc. Much better in hindsight if she'd just arranged a nice lunch/ drinks after work on her last day and not called it a hen do. And wanted gifts.

I'm happy to organise a collection, circulate card, buy gifts or whatever. But I have spent 2 years listening to this in the office all day long. I know about the vows, the shoes, the dress, the menu, the songs the band are playing etc etc.

I cannot wait until it's over with.

Am so sorry and I feel for you - but am pissing myself laughing at organising paintball for them! (as someone posted above) that would be cracking!

Sorry not very constructive...

If you're ever actually asked, laugh and act like surely it's a joke. Tell her how funny she is.

Who has a "work" hen do? Presumably this is a hen do where all the women (and men?) from work are invited on the assumption that they will be thrilled to spend money on what is basically an out of season office party just because she is getting married?

In my world you have a hen do, one hen do, preferably lasting one evening, in a town convenient for the vast majority of invitees, you eat a meal, get spanked off your tits on goldfish bowls full of sweet sickly concoctions and go home to spend the next 3 days sleeping it off. Crucially, you invite the women you are closest to who are invited to the wedding.

Has a memo gone round that I missed?

"Oh no, its terrible ettitquette for me to do that as I am not invited to the wedding"

Then if you get invited you turn it down as "I feel I have been to your wedding every single day for the last 2 years, the real thing cant possibly live up!"

And I spelled etiquette wrong.

You spelled it with an extra tit. Which is highly appropriate

Blatantly place marking for the update when she asks you.

YANBU btw.

Surely that is chief bridesmaids job?

Anyway, I utterly feel your pain. When I was 16, in my first office job, one of the women was organising her wedding for at least two years. I could probably still list every fucking detail of it now, 30 odd years later. She would bring in pieces of material and ask us our opinions on the suitability for the grooms tie etc. It was excruciatingly boring.

Is having a "work hen party" a thing now? I always thought it was bad etiquette to invite people who aren't invited to the wedding to a hen do.

Has anyone else in your office got married and not had a work hen do? If so I think I'd just say it would seem inappropriate to start having hen do's for some employees when others haven't been given such parties. You could suggest an informal happy hour event closer to the wedding, that would only take a few hours out of your life. Good luck!

Bridezilladom hits new heights!

I like SheffieldSteeler's suggestion too

I'm confused
You mean they're discussing a work hen do? Not the actual hen do?

Neither is work so why would anyone at work do it?!

Sounds like the perfect opportunity for her to learn that being bossy gets people's backs up and makes them not want to help you out if they don't have to, so I'd probably just deliver a scornful flat-out refusal.

As pointed out, though, she hasn't actually been cheeky enough to ask yet.

Prior to the bridezillaing we had the house buying saga. That was a sorry affair which involved a lot of crying and running into meeting rooms with her mobile.

No doubt the wedding will be followed by a pregnancy or an attempted pregnancy, the details of either of which will be excruciating to listen to.

My boss is also her boss. I might have a word about the painful over sharing and see if she can help to tactfully extricate me from this situation.

Anyone else who's got married has invited others from work to at least the evening do, and, quite normally, had the hen do with them and the other friends and family going, to answer the questions up thread. This is unchartered territory.

Oh, goodness, the last thing you'd want is for her to have a baby. I shared an office with a woman who talked incessantly about her small child, I knew so many minute details about his life that I could have parented him myself by the time I left, ten months later. On the other hand, she did provide me with some sterling PFB moments that I have been regaling people with ever since
Anyway, back to topic, it all sounds like a nightmare, you really do need to say no!

Office party? Bag of donughts and kettle on...is that what she was thinking of?

Say no and mean it.

Do not under any circumstances get talked into doing it or be guilt tripped into doing it.

You will have to deal with it for months if you do.

Whispers I think that the OP would appreciate some PFB howlers, as light relief.

Just the Op you understand, not me, not at all, not even a little bit........

You spelled it with an extra tit. Which is highly appropriate

Just goes to show how the universe can somehow lead us to do exactly the right thing without us even noticing :o

Ignore all the hints with an unwavering smile, and if anyone still has the brass to ask for a work do you could say oh I know what would be great! The wednesday before you leave we could head to Local McNasty's for happy hour. Gives everyone a chance to wish you well without missing the last train. enjoy the wedding!

Yes get a mariachi band on retainer, and instruct them to leap out and play whenever the word "wedding" is uttered. As annoying as mariachi bands can be at least it will drown out talk of wedding favours and colour schemes.

OP just say no. If you offend momentarily so what, maybe you'll miss out on future wedding talk.