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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if age gap friendships can work?

66 replies

Borrislovesgordon · 03/03/2016 20:44

I had DC in my early 20's and they have recently joined a lovely village school.

I'm at least ten years (if not more) younger than the other mums. Most of them are really lovely and I get on with quite a few really well but I'm not sure if a friendship will happen due to the age/class gap.

I have great friends my own age but none of them have children and would love to have a few mums to go to soft play and the park with.

Not sure how to approach this as I don't want to come off as desperate or force a friendship. Just wondering if others have found stuff in common with a significant age gap, yet become friends?

OP posts:

RortyCrankle · 03/03/2016 21:46

I met my best friend when I was 19 and she was 34. Our friendship has lasted 52 years so yes, I think age gap friendships can work.

Fabellini · 03/03/2016 21:52

One of my very good friends is 23 years younger than me....I think people may mistake me for her mum occasionally, but we do not have that type of relationship at all, she's definitely an old head on young shoulders and I'm an immature dafty, so we meet in the middle

cocochanel21 · 03/03/2016 21:56

I had Dd1 at 15 when I went to baby group's at first I felt really self conscious thought at the time everyone was old.
Some of the mum's I met there and at the school gate's I still see today that was 23years ago.

Had Dd2 at 38 so the friends I've made this time at baby groups are all younger than me.
Don't think age matters when you meet someone you click with.

poorbuthappy · 03/03/2016 22:02

My bestie is 10 years younger than me.
I will admit that she can be older than her years and I can be younger so maybe this is why it works.

But unless you try yuh will never know.

Original poster

Borrislovesgordon · 03/03/2016 22:03

I'll probably be flamed for this but I find some older mums more uptight due to wanting and waiting for a child ; I have a laid back approach (doesn't mean I let my children away with blue murder). I worry this laissez faire attitude makes me seem like a pretty shit mum and I might be being judged for being so.

I really hope not

OP posts:

VoldysGoneMouldy · 03/03/2016 22:06

I had my son young. I tried going to a young mums group, and felt hugely out of place, just because we weren't the same kind of people. All of my mum friends now are around ten years older than me plus, and I feel more comfortable with them than I did at any of the young mum sessions, because we have more in common as people, and as parents.

Age and class don't have to stand in the way of anything.

Spandexpants007 · 03/03/2016 22:08

My friends range from 25 years older then me to 10 years younger.

Dowser · 03/03/2016 22:11

When I was 40 my best friend was in her 70s.

Friendship knows no barriers. We used to laugh like drains!!!

Miss her so much :-(

Spandexpants007 · 03/03/2016 22:14

Your last post is rather odd and narrow minded I think. Lots of mums can have accidental pregnancies you know or get pregnant easily when they suddenly get clucky. And even if some mums need to wait to have a baby, there's probably only a small chance of the wait effecting their parenting style. I don't believe younger mums are particularly more chilled.

Ameliablue · 03/03/2016 22:15

One of my best friends is about 15 years older and I have other friends 10 or so years older, so yes I think they can work.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 03/03/2016 22:15

My school gate friends are pretty well all at least 5 years younger than me, quite a few 10 or 15 years younger, it really doesn't matter. In fact in many cases it's taken me years to realise their ages, usually only realised when they have a significant birthday or I countersign a passport form. My closest friend at work is 20 years younger too.

MrsMook · 03/03/2016 22:23

I've always had friends of a spread of ages.
DH is 10 years older.

The main group of friends I see is spread from about 50 to 19. We share a hobby and sense of humour.

Mindysgotswag · 03/03/2016 22:26

I'm an older mum but tend to get on with mums and dads around 10-15 yrs younger than me, as our lo's are of the same age. Doesn't even seem like an age gap to be honest

Original poster

Borrislovesgordon · 03/03/2016 22:27

I truly wasn't trying to say younger mothers are more 'chilled' I apologise if that was the perception I gave.

I can only say in my narrow experience of a very small village school I'm one of the more laid back. Age may have nothing to do with it; it's purely my perception that may well be screwed hence my question.

Generally younger mum's are seen as less educated- not sure how this would make me seem odd/ narrow minded seeing as we are generally regarded as the lower class (on mumsnet) who have children before careers.

OP posts:

AKissACuddleAndACheekyFinger · 03/03/2016 22:30

I've had my closest, best and loveliest friend since I was 17 and she was 36. I'm now 36....same sense of humour, same values, love each other a lot. My husband is the same age as her....actually I'm seeing a pattern here

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 03/03/2016 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Borrislovesgordon · 03/03/2016 22:32

So many lovely comments. Thanks all

OP posts:

pasbeaucoupdegendarme · 03/03/2016 22:32

One of my best friends babysat for me when I was 3 and my brother was in nappies.

We've been close friends for ages - and her children are only months older than mine as things have worked out so we now have play dates too

CountessOfStrathearn · 03/03/2016 22:36

I am in my 30s and one of my closest friends is in her 80s.

I can't see age being a problem. If anything, quite a few of my main good friends have become friends because we spent time together because we have children the same age.

cornishglos · 03/03/2016 22:38

I get on better with older people. I'm on mat leave and the only people I still see from work are about 30 years older than me.

dulcefarniente · 03/03/2016 22:46

Away from school I have friends who are a wide range of ages (30 -90+). At school I'm 10 yrs older than the other mums and very much on the periphery. People are superficially pleasant but uninterested in being anything more than acquaintances. I think that having children of the same age only goes so far as I work full time and am happily single there are few opportunities to socialise and bond with them.

Original poster

Borrislovesgordon · 03/03/2016 22:56

Sorry to dwell on the point but Spandex hugely irritated me. Getting 'clucky' or being an older mother had absolutely nothing to do with my question.

It was a fairly light hearted debate and I was merely looking for advice; I apologise if I tread on any toes...

Thanks for all replies, they've been a real eye opener

OP posts:

Piemernator · 03/03/2016 23:15

I spent yesterday day with two friends who are both 20 years older than me and spent 3 hours today in an online game chatting to my online mate who is 14 years younger than me. Age is but a number.

Piemernator · 03/03/2016 23:18

Hadn't read your post fully.

This is actually a school gate issue not an age issue. So what do you like and do you have any clue what they like. Is there a school gate uniform and do you conform.

So what do you mean by more chilled exactly?

maddening · 04/03/2016 00:08

You say you are worried you are judged but you are doing a fair amount of judging and putting thoughts in their heads that probably aren't even there. They probably don't care less about your aGe and circumstance and as you get older you generally care less for a start, take people as tHey come and just get on with your own life.

this sounds more like your own insecurities and as they make you feel unhappy just let them go - life is much nicer when you do :) those that judge you aren't worth it and letting go and enjoying the company of other mums regardless of their age might mean you find some good eggs amongst them.

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