To think my brother is a lying, cheating scumbag!

[ShutUpAndEatYourBurger]

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I have just found out that my brother has a double life he's has a whole other family!

Hes been with his partner for 19 years and they have 4 kids together, hes cheated on her a few times but she wont leave him.

I am disgusted to find out hes been playing away with another woman and playing daddy to her 4 kids for 5 years, hes been telling his partner hes been working away when in reality hes been staying with the OW 4 nights a week.

I thought his partner was cluless and maybe she really is but the OW is a family friend and my brother has this OW name tattooed on his body, his excuse? "Shes my best friend"

I dont want anything more to do with him but our other siblings are supporting him.

AIBU to think there all fucking weird?

Because from him i expect it hes always been a selfish prick but i really didnt expect her to put up with it.

The DC's are 18,14,12 and 10.

Are the OW's children his as well?

I understand how you feel OP and I would feel the same in your situation. Of course you know your brother is to blame for the whole situation, but he clearly doesn't care about the DC's wellbeing, so the children need their other parent to put them first, which she's not doing.

Unfortunately, other than continuing to offer your nieces and nephews support, there's not much you can do.

I don't understand how she can be denying his affairs, naive and believe the ow is a friend and then you say she's told your nieces and nephew that they're not to speak of it so she must of acknowledged it

So does the other women know that he's got another family as well? Do people where she live know ...do her children get the same kind of treatment as your nieces and nephews ... So many questions .It seems like there are two women and countless kids being took for mugs ...by some emoral man that would be quiet happy starring on the jerry springer show

I was never in the relationship, i dont speak to my brother and havent for years, i hear what i know from his children hence why im so pissed off.

You have no right to tell anybody to shut up.

Yes only she decides but her decision is affecting my nieces and nephews and they dont want to put up with it anymore, they're hurting and they're deeply confused and angry, they dont understand why shes staying with him.

It broke my heart when my 18yo nephew said to me today "i hate my dad, i hate what hes done to my family but why wont my mum leave him, why does she love him more than us?"
That comment made me write this post, so no i wont shut up.

Both my parents were promiscuous, and I don't think they realised I knew. Like Half, it left me with serious trust issues

Sunnybitch

Because the children asked their mother about the affair as they had heard from gossip around town and she said that it was BS and to never mentioned anything like that again.

He must be so confused, I am having trouble trying to understand why and i'm an adult.

They are both letting the children down.

He is by being a selfish cheating prick, and she is by staying with him.

However, his behaviour is coming from a place of selfishness and nastiness and he is purposefully hurting his children. I don't know why she is staying but I imagine her reasons are complicated so your brother's choices are a million times worse. Her choices are not coming from a nasty place are they?

My mum stayed with my abusive cheating dad for years, and she would say she let us down by staying with him for so long but I understand her reasons and don't judge her at all, but staying with him, while understandable wasn't a great parenting decision. My anger is all for my dad who knocked every bit of confidence she had out of her slowly throughout the years.

I understand where you are coming from though, it is very difficult to see children suffering while the parents aren't doing anything about it. The fact is, someone needs to think of the children and it isn't going to be him so I hope she finds the strength to leave and build a better life for herself, but she will do that if and when she is ready to.

Halftruth you've posted quite a bit on this thead and ive never got round to answering you, thank you for sharing your experience.

Yes the other woman know as she is a family friend, her children were friends of my brothers children.

Yes please eople know because they see them together they go out like a normal family.

OW children get treat better IMO they get my brother 4 days a week while his children get to see him 3, OW children get weekends aswell.

To answer someone elses question, NO none of the OW children are my brothers.

Maybe she's afraid to leave your brother then...

If he has no problem having his other womans name tattooed on his arm in plain view for everyone to see, then I doubt very much he's a nice guy to her behind close doors.

Just be there for them and hope that one day soon she comes to her senses

Trust is the basic's of any relationship not just a committed one ... That why it's such and important issue ... When your a child and all you see is hurt and broken you reflect that into the world as an adult because that's what you expect of people ... So you then react the same way as you learnt .... Is there a family history of this behaviour ? I know with my family my mother precieved my grandmother the same way i precieved her... I'm lucky i recieve therapy for my trust issues as they really do effect my life ..

Obvs you support the children any way you can. That's a no-brainer. And you be as truthful as you can with them (age appropriately, of course).

As far as your SiL, that's more difficult. She needs to understand completely how you feel and how much you are willing to do if/when she decides to leave. After that, I'm firmly on the fence On one hand I'd feel like telling her to call me when she wakes up but I'm out of her life until she does (hoping to shock her). On the other hand I'd want to stay in her life in case the time comes where she needs just that little 'push' to get out.

But what I wouldn't do is stay in her life and constantly harangue her about her current choice. I'd state my case firmly once then say "You know how I feel about it. I'm ready to help when you're ready to leave" and change the subject any time she brings it up in the future.

Not very helpful, am I?

The first question i asked my nephew when he told me about what he knew, was if his father was abusive and he said hes never seen him physically hit his mother or threaten her, i asked if she seemed scared of him and he said no, they very rarely argure and never raise there voices and understandably its always his mother starting the arguments, he says although he hates him and apart from the obvious cheating his dad has always been very respectable to his mother while they are together

Im not in the situation after my brothers 2nd affair i cut him off completely , im actually hearing this first hand from his oldest son.

Me, my partner, my brothers mum and one of my other siblings have told my brothers partner that we will happily help her leave him, we will give her a deposit for a house and supply anything she needs to start over.

My brothers DP knows full well there are some if the family that will help if she needs it.

Well if she's not happy and the children are hearing her verbalize that she's not ,Then she is just as much to blame .As she is causing more distress to the children and setting them a really bad example ... I wouldn't want to be in that type of enviroment ... Is she too scared to give a choice in case he choose this other family ... She really needs some one to talk to her. if you don't feel comfortable about having the conversation with her again ,what about some sort of intervention .... Like they do with drug addicts or alcholic's i suppose you can have family intervention about anything .... That's if the rest of your family ect ...feel the same