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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my brother is a lying, cheating scumbag!

68 replies

ShutUpAndEatYourBurger · 03/03/2016 12:34

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I have just found out that my brother has a double life he's has a whole other family!

Hes been with his partner for 19 years and they have 4 kids together, hes cheated on her a few times but she wont leave him.

I am disgusted to find out hes been playing away with another woman and playing daddy to her 4 kids for 5 years, hes been telling his partner hes been working away when in reality hes been staying with the OW 4 nights a week.

I thought his partner was cluless and maybe she really is but the OW is a family friend and my brother has this OW name tattooed on his body, his excuse? "Shes my best friend"

I dont want anything more to do with him but our other siblings are supporting him.

AIBU to think there all fucking weird?

OP posts:
Original poster
ShutUpAndEatYourBurger · 03/03/2016 14:13

This isnt only once im talking about here, every few years a different affair is revealed and his children have to suffer, yeah maybe im being harsh but after 19 years of constant affairs, i thought she would have left him at least for the childrens sakes, why should they put up with it?, why should they feel humiliated when half of there school is talking about it?, why should they be forced to play happy familys when in reality there far from happy there deeply hurt and confused, what example is she setting her daughters? That is okay for men to cheat and have no regard for your feelings.

Yes a few years ago i would have felt sorry fot her and give her all the support in the world but now i just think as a mother its her job to protect her children.

OP posts:
ricketytickety · 03/03/2016 14:15

It's possible she knows and likes the space from him. I've heard of women openly 'sharing' a partner. I don't get the dynamics - whether they feel they have to share or whether they want to, but one family/ies in particular were quite open about it and both knew about eachother.

LoveBoursin · 03/03/2016 14:17

The OP said why.
Because the children KNOW their dad is cheating whereas their mum is still wanting to bury her head in the sand.

So in effect they are asked to still live as per the 'happy family' scenario whilst knowing their dad is sleeping around and has another family close by.

Original poster
ShutUpAndEatYourBurger · 03/03/2016 14:19

Your posts are contradictory though. Why are the children's lives ruined if they are not separating? And who the hell thought it was a good idea to tell the kids anything?

Because there dad is out 4 nights a week with his other family and there forced to play happy familys, which part of that wouldnt be damaging?

The children know because half of the town know and are talking about it and have been for the past 19 years.

OP posts:
LoveBoursin · 03/03/2016 14:19

Read HalfTruth post above to see the effect of such arrangement can have on the children.

It's a small community, the OW is a family friend, everyomne knows about iit, of course the dcs will be aware.

thewocketinyourpocket · 03/03/2016 14:35

It sounds like the children are probably old enough to know what's what. Even at 24, if I found out that my father had a double family, and that my mom knew about it but denied, and instead stayed with him, I would be devastated and question my whole identity. I'd bet that those kids are feeling like they're not good enough, they might even be blaming themselves and thinking "if only we were, dad wouldn't WANT a different family!"

We also don't know if there is any emotion abuse on the brother's part towards his partner of 19 years. But I'm assuming there is. My aunt was in a long-term marriage with an emotionally abusive husband, and even after 10 years of separation, she is still in therapy trying to recover. None of the rest of the family even knew there was a problem until she tried to commit suicide (after which he divorced her and told her it was a shame she didn't succeed).

OP, your brother is being horrible, and I think it's just as horrible that your other siblings are supporting him. If he wanted to divorce his current partner for the OW, then that's one thing... and having an open relationship with two partners and two families and everybody is all happy with it is also fine... but he is actively hurting people. Good for you for not wanting to be a part of his bullshit.

However, I would hope that if his partner of 19 years ever gets her head out of the sand and comes forward to you asking for your help. that you'll be there for her. In the meantime, let the kiddos know that you're there for them. Let them know that they are meaningful individuals and that if they need to talk, you will always listen. Don't tell them bad things about their father or mother -- just tell them good things about themselves.

Halftruth · 03/03/2016 14:45

Definatley boost the children ... If your around and other family member or anyone for that matter starts to discuss this topic and any of the children are in ear shot ,you could kindly ask them to refrain from doing so ... There's not much worse then hearing all your family business being discussed especially if your old enough to understand

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 03/03/2016 14:59

If you read further up i do explain that the family were willing to help her leave him and we would have anytime she asked but she continues to support him and deny the affairs.

That's her choice, though. However frustrating that may be. It's not acceptable to blame her for not leaving her marriage now, when it's actually your brother who's single handedly caused the situation your nieces and nephews find themselves in.

I did read that your family had offered to help her previously - but why on earth should you be able to tell her how to handle the situation?

Original poster
ShutUpAndEatYourBurger · 03/03/2016 15:54

Me and my partner would help her if she wanted to leave but i cant support her if she refuses to acknowledge and deny his affairs.

Im quite close to the chilren and they know im always here to support them, fortunately the oldest is very aware what his dad is doing is wrong and unacceptable but he cant confront him and show he is upset because he has been to by his mother he is never to mention the situation.

The other 3 DC are very aware but like there mother refuse to acknowledge what is going on but they have to hide there hurt and embarrassment when people at school are laughing and whispering.

So yes because of what the children have been put through and what they are getting taught i think i have every right to bw disgusted and disappointed at my brother but also disappointed at there mother for subjecting them to his behaviour by staying with him when she has had multiple opportunities to leave.

OP posts:
diddl · 03/03/2016 15:54

Why doesn't he just leave to be with his OW full time?

ThorsLady · 03/03/2016 16:01

I wish I could read this & make sense of it, but the inability to differ between 'there', 'they're' and 'their' is giving me a bollocking headache.

Something something stop being angry at your sister in law something something you're only angry because she won't leave him & you want her to.

ThorsLady · 03/03/2016 16:03

Since when did school children laugh and whisper about parents infidelities?

I might be wrong but I don't ever remember anyone talking about their or other childrens parents at school...

Original poster
ShutUpAndEatYourBurger · 03/03/2016 16:03

Wheres the excitment in that?

He is a spiteful, selfish bastard who likes the best of both worlds.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShutUpAndEatYourBurger · 03/03/2016 16:07

Well nobody else has had a problem making sense of it.

Yes i do want her to leave him for the best interests of her children.

Its high school and when your in a small town everybody knows your business.

OP posts:
MyLifeisaboxofwormgears · 03/03/2016 16:12

This does sound very hard on the kids - their father is openly spending time parenting another set of children - their self worth must be on the floor.
Also, the mother is dealing with this by going into denial - not everyone can do this.
Certainly I have seen the children suffer worse in my brother's marriage because the parents are in denial but the kids are young and are confused and can't voice how they feel and just can't go into denial in the way adults seem to be able to. Worse, they can't grow into emotionally safe adults because their parent's behaviour fails to support them emotionally.

The family dynamic seems to condone the status quo and "not making a fuss" thereby condoning hurtful and immoral behaviour. This is worse again because the children have no way of dealing with the situation where they are being openly treated as less than the other woman's kids - nothing is happening for their benefit here.

The children probably have a lot of issues so I would agree that you could provide the "safe aunt to talk to" so they can at least talk about how hurt they are feeling. Having people at school point and laugh is horrible - it happened to a friend of mine when her mother ran off with a man in the middle of the night never to be heard of again.

Halftruth · 03/03/2016 16:13

Why do some people have more of a problem with spelling and grammar than anything else.People want advice or constructive criticism about the issue not their english skill brutalised.Please don't turn it into a thread about "&!$',+(£+!_,- i m actually quiet enjoy this one .

Halftruth · 03/03/2016 16:19

Kids definatley repeat what they hear from home at school . and parents definatley speak about this sort off thing on the play ground. Some of the thing's that i 've hear myself on the playground are not appropriate and thoose of you that do pick up child more than know the playground mentality . It can be extremely malicious.

HopeClearwater · 03/03/2016 16:20

Well OP you sound as if you're having a whale of a time. Righteous indignation, criticising everyone in sight, knowing what's best for everyone... fill yer boots girl.

diddl · 03/03/2016 16:26

Well tbh I'd have thought that there's bugger all fun in it if everyone knows.

Still, he obviously doesn't care what his kids, the playground gossips, or anyone else think of him.

There's nothing you can do though unless you think that the kids need removing from the situation.

Halftruth · 03/03/2016 16:37

Well would this be a strong enough case for emotional abuse? I had a friend that had her children put on social services because she cried infront of her children and her youngest comforted her. Emotional abuse...apparently .i thought it was. More of a sign of empathy. Maybe the mother needs to have someone sit down and explain the situation properly to her ... She might be one of them women that aren't quiet the full shilling.

Original poster
ShutUpAndEatYourBurger · 03/03/2016 16:40

I dont knoe whats best for everyone but i know whats best for my nieces and nephews, im the one the come to crying because there dads away again, im the one they come to hurt because someone made fun of there family situation and im the one they come to when they need some love because their dads too busy with his other family and their mothers too busy burying her head in the sand to even notice them.

OP posts:
Quityabitchen · 03/03/2016 16:41

Depends on the ages of the children I guess, and whether they are suffering because of their father's behaviour. Maybe it's quite a normal situation for them all.

LagunaBubbles · 03/03/2016 16:47

what example is she setting her daughters?

And what example is he setting his children then? I get you're angry at both of them but you are focusing far too much on your SIL rather than your brother.

LagunaBubbles · 03/03/2016 16:48

What age are the children?

EweAreHere · 03/03/2016 16:52

You've had your say; you've told her what you know and what you think.

Now shut up.

She knows, and only she gets to decide what she wants to do. It's not for you or anybody else to decide.

Stay out of their relationship and be there for your nieces and nephews if they want you and need you.

It's not that difficult.

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