To ask what your relationship with your mum is like?

[MissPunnyMany]

I'm curious, because I only have my own to go on, and my siblings and I agree that our mum has alwas been emotionally unavailable.

Growing up I could never talk to her, she was never listening, always too busy, and if I said something she couldn't handle she'd just switch off. No discussions about anything sex or period related or anything 'important' ever took place. When I lost my virginity she just said 'oh [my name]' with a disappointed sigh. She was unavailable - present physically but no more than that. My sister took care of my physical needs like bathing (she was 11 years older) and I don't recall my mum ever bathing me. When I was ill I wanted my sister as she took care of me. She tells me she would get up to me in the night as a baby too. My mum fed us, did school runs until I was around 9 when my brother took over, and was present but she just wasn't 'there'. She never played with us or did stories, she was always busy with housework, I could be 'gone' for hours in a distant part of the house (town house) and she'd never notice.

I left home at 16 and went to live with my sister. She and her husband parented me. I don't recall missing my mum at all. I've never missed her. Is that normal? I speak to my sister every day, we're both adults with our own kids, we see each other 2-3 times a week. I feel so close to my own kids and hers, and talk about all sorts, even though they're only young. I love that intimacy.

Mother's Day is approaching and as usual I feel awkward as all the cards are so gushy and I just can't say those things. She's a really nice, kind lady and I love her, but I could easily not speak to her for months and it wouldn't matter to me.

I think the truth is I didn't ever really attach to her as an infant. Because I don't really feel attached. It's a very hollow relationship.

AIBU to ask how yours is....good and bad. One of my friends is literally best friends with her mum, who has always been completely involved in every part of her life. I can't imagine that.

Some of these are so sad.
It's easy when you have a great mum to take them for granted.
My mum (and dad too) have been married all the way through before my birth, through childhood to adulthood and on so always had the lovely family unit thing.
Always there for you, stable, constant.
Had problem with some emotional bullying all the way through primary school, knew I was upset, gave me the support to know it was them with the problem, not me.
As a result, I've got a healthy self conscience, can take compliments, let insults slide off my back etc.
My mum comes round once a week to visit as I've moved a little further away since getting married.
Go out for lunch or whatever when she does.
My Dad I see slightly less regularly due to his working and see him once a month when we stay over and they babysit so we can go out for the night.

It's broadly speaking good. But she's very judgemental, something which at 27 I am only just learning to handle on an emotional level.

Aw, SeeYouNearer, I always enjoy your posts and really appreciate your perspective, but I am really sorry to hear you were treated so unlovingly by your mom. That kind of hurt really settles in the bones and stays with a person for a long time.

for you

to everyone who missed out on having a good mom, including me.

Wow. Thank you all for your honesty and I'm sorry if I've brought pain to the surface for any of you. I think the crunch for me came yesterday when my mum was talking about my recently passed nan and getting upset and I had to question myself how I'd feel when she passed. It unsettled me to realise that whilst I will naturally be gutted and grieve, I won't be losing this incredible person who I can't do without. She is kind and loving, but she is also weak, fairly ignorant in that she'll say whatever my dad says (who is very dominant and overbearing) and not someone I've ever looked up to or respected. I would never go to her in a crisis. Never. I'm a strong woman and found growing up without a role model tough. My sister was my role model, and a fabulous one, but being just a few years older she was learning everything herself too.

Its good to know I'm not alone. to you all.

Op I feel the same as you in relation to when my mum passes. When I think about my dnan passing away, although inevitable, the thought fills me with dread. I don't know how I'll carry on without her. When I think about my mum passing, I don't feel the same. Of course I will grieve, it will be very sad, but I don't think I'll be as devastated. We just don't have the same bond that I have with my dnan and we never will.

Thinking about my mum makes me feel angry and sad in equal measure. Such a waste of what should be a valued relationship on both sides. Makes me feel rather inadequate and less of a human being but determined not to play into learned helplessness/victim-hood either (thank you, therapy!) . Tricky line to tread. And bloody hard and lonely!

My mum was a wonderful woman. She was kind, generous, loving and was a brilliant mother and grandmother. Sadly she died 15 years ago. I still miss her every day.

My mum walked out when I was 8. We didn't hear from her for several years, then had sporadic contact, always instigated by us. It was all very one sided. All about her and she didn't take much interest in us.

As we got older we realised how emotionally manipulative she is. She's a compulsive liar and a bit of a sociopath. I'm nc with her. I don't want someone like that round my DC. Sil also steers clear. My sister still makes an effort but is on the verge of giving up. i think once my sister has child she will realised what an arsehole our mother is.

My mother starved, neglected and abused us. She doesn't really deserve the title to be honest

So sad to read about the poor relationships with some of the posters mums. It's just not right.
As a kid, I was a mixture of scared and in awe of my mum. She was so much fun, had so much energy and was just the mum everyone wanted to have and I knew I was lucky.
However, she also had a highly critical and comparing side to her. If I didn't measure up to my peers in an area, she would call me on it and throw the comparisons at me. When I couldn't find her stuff, she would make me feel absolutely stupid for not being able to find it. Sometimes, she would find the item, not bother to tell me. I would be sweating stressing for an hour worrying about telling her I couldn't find it. That was shit.
She was always there for me though and didn't give up on me and seemed to understand me although I have asd, so that cannot have been easy for her.
She had money worries as a SP in the 80's and 3 kids to raise, again, that cannot have been easy but she never moaned, always had a sunny disposition and always an optimist. I wish I had that side of her in my personality.
Ups and downs through teens and twenties. We actually had no contact for about a year.
Now, unfortunately I just don't feel that I know her anymore. I will always love her and respect her strength of character (which I just do not have) and I'm grateful she's my Mum. I just cannot express it, it's sad and I don't know why.
If she ever wanted to spend time with me as an adult, I now know its because her husband is out for the day and she can't spend time on her own.
I just feel like we've grown apart but am having her and hubby round on MD to cook and catch up a bit.

I found my mother puzzling and sometimes distant during my younger years, but we are very close now as adults. She was never any good with emotions and personal stuff when I was a teenager (never had talks about sex, periods or bras) but she did her best. With her and my dad I feel like the flaws in their parenting didn't come from a bad place- it was just that they both experienced horrific things before they had me and my siblings, and life was very hard on them. I realise that this sounds dramatic but I think if I had lived through what my mum had I would have been suicidally depressed, or even dead. I look back now and think she did an amazing job.

I'm grateful that we are close now, and feel very fortunate. I'm glad we managed to find our way back to each other despite life dealing out some truly unfair shit.

Some of these are very sad... to those with abusive mums...
My mum isn't on that scale she was there, a reliable parent I guess? but emotionally unavailable. Would never talk to you about periods or anything. Could be described as a cold fish, when we told her I was expecting my first, there was no reaction and I think she pretty much carried on a conversation she was having.
Today it is easier in some ways as live further apart, reduced expectations, almost feels like a duty to see her but she isn't really an involved grandparent and that makes me sad.

My mum didn't know how to be a mother, but in conversations we've had about it since I reached adulthood, thought she was really great and is incapable of understanding that she might have been lacking in any way. She fed us, was interested in our education, took us to Brownies, ballet, and piano lessons etc and that's why she thought she was awesome. Emotional support completely lacking though, always blamed rather than tried to understand, constantly telling us we were the most ungrateful children in the world, no warmth, no attempts made to teach us about healthy relationships or sex (both were disgusting to her and wanting them was a sign of moral weakness). She simply couldn't understand why I never went to her for hugs and cuddles, and resented the fact that I was closer to my dad. She wanted everything on her terms, never on anyone else's.

Now we are adults her life seems so joyless and unsatisfied and negative. She simply won't accept that she is the architect of her own un/happiness, rather than her awful ungrateful children.

I thought of that song the other day: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is how to love and be loved in return" and realised how much truth there is in it, and how she never learned it. She never learnt the art of contentment and is a joy-sapper.

When I was very young it was good, I have fond memories of doing things with her, shopping, reading stories, doing my hair, but when I got to around 7/8 and formed my own opinions and likes/dislikes and she realized I wasn't a "mini me" our relationship deteriorated and she became emotionally unavailable. We never talked about anything of substance and if I tried she'd either be busy, be embarrassed or annoyed if my opinion wasn't the same as hers. I disappointed her, that was obvious and the more I didn't live up to her expectations the more our relationship suffered. She kicked me out when I was17 and in a same sex relationship and again when I was 21 and split up with my emotionally abusive boyfriend (dad had let me move back in in between) after that I went NC for 2 years. When I graduated uni and got a new boyfriend she started gushing about how wonderful I was to all who would listen but I remained distant, she only wanted a relationship with me as I was living up to her expectations and she could tell her friends how great I was (and by extension how great a mother she is). I saw her maybe twice a year, didn't send mothers day cards. Now I'm married with a professional career, a baby and own my own home she calls me weekly and visits fortnightly, but when I disagree with her, or say something she doesn't like (anything from, I don't like that couch or I don't find George Clooney attractive, nothing big) I can see her true colours lurking just below the surface. We'll never be 'best friends', I just don't like her. If we were not related we wouldn't be friends, were just very different people.

As for the mother's day thing, I just send one which says "Happy Mother's Day."!

To echo a pp OP, your sister sounds absolutely lovely and getting her something to show your love and appreciation would be a good thing to do :)

Intense, suffocating, love / hate. Very close but probably not very healthy.

I'm 20 and in university, about 4/5 hours away from "home" by train. Because of this I only go home for Christmas and Easter, and for a little while in summer. My parents also come up to visit me once a year (in October). Now that I don't live with them, I get on with my mum so much better. Don't get me wrong I love her and I always have, but when I still lived at home we could be at each others throats for such tiny things. She'd make me angry so I'd storm off which would make her angry and neither of us would back down. I feel sorry for my poor dad stuck in the same house as the both of us!! Now, I don't live there any more but my mum and I text each other every day, we Skype every other weekend and I also text her to tell her I'm home after a night out every time because she worries far too much (I learned my lesson after I forgot one time and my phone died - she rang my uni halls security team and they came round to the flat and called my friends looking for me! I was furious - not to mention embarrassed out of my mind).

My point though is that, while she still frustrates me sometimes, I'm not unreasonably angry when I think about her any more. I even miss her (occasionally :p ). I get on with her far better now that I don't have to live with her. I can see the sacrifices she and my dad made for me, and I can see now just how much we love each other. There is no doubt in my mind that my mum loves me more than anything in the world (even when I'm being an awkward little sod). I couldn't tell you why we used to fight. Perhaps it was something to do with hormones (my mum is a "mature mother" - she struggled for a long time to have a child - so she was going through the menopause when I was going through puberty). Maybe we were just too similar. Maybe we were too different (she always want to take me shopping and to see people and I just wanted to stay in because I had low self esteem and never knew what to say to people). Maybe I just had a short fuse and a hot temper, and it didn't take much to set me off on my "waaaaa life's not faaaaaair" teenage whines (although I like to think I wasn't too bad out loud...)

I love my mum to death but there's no way she could ever be my best friend. We'd seriously hurt each other :p But now that we don't have to see each other everyday our relationship is much better. We have space. She can complain to my dad about me if she wants and I can complain to my friends and we're both safe in the knowledge that neither of us will ever know about it ;) my mum's a wonderful person, and she is an amazing mother. Despite all my moaning throughout my life I'd never wish for a different one. Ever. This is making me feel quite weepy actually. I have the sudden urge to tell my mum I love her :')

Forgot to add - while I love her so much and like her far more than I ever used to, I could never EVER live with her again. It would drive us both barmy. Holidays back home are enough!

Not what I want it to be. My father dominates and suffocates her and is jealous of me. We'll never therefore have the relationship that I would want to have. If my mother wasn't related to me, I'd like her - she's very funny but she never wanted to be a mother and found being a parent very difficult and quite boring, I think.

She's ill at the moment and I'm very worried about her.

Another one who stood in front of racks of gushing cards this morning and struggled to find something plain enough. We haven't spoken since Christmas Day. I would never ever confide in her about anything.

She has let me down so many times, well they both have. Wouldn't come to my university graduation, kicked up a fuss when I got engaged, caused all sorts of hysterical issues when she wasn't allowed to have control of her gc. Two years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer and she still hasn't visited me. She has always had low level health issues, I think she's annoyed that I have something worse.

If I speak to her on Sunday it will be hugely difficult, if I don't it could unleash ww3. I really don't know what to do.

Odd, to be honest.

She's been dead for nearly 20 years. I was a teenager when she died.

Her good points- she really did love me and she materially provided. I had a lovely home, holidays, fed, warm, clothed.

But she could hold a grudge. When I was a teenager she would talk about how she hated certain friends of mine because of something they'd done in infant school! Similarly, I was reminded of childhood mistakes and indiscretions all the time. Nothing terrible but they were used to show me what a bad person I was!

She started drinking very heavily in the eighteen months or so before she died and was very cruel and insulting to me then. Some of the things she said were - well. I don't think I'll ever really forgive them.

Very passive aggressive. Would make sneering comments about what I wore or did rather than say 'oh that's not your colour love.'

Very highly strung and not very sensible about stuff. My brother is like that now - gets things way out of perspective. She'd make a huge huge drama and fuss about ordinary things like spats with school friends. I remember wanting to go on a sleepover when I was fifteen and she made this almighty fuss shrieking that we'd all fall out! I struggled to have a normal social life because she kept making such a drama about stuff.

She also had no respect for privacy - always poking round my stuff.

Sigh. I struggled to grieve for her really. My brother said the same. It's sad because like I say, she really did love us in her own way.

Pretty much NC now, and have been for nearly 3 years. Ever since we had a row and she tried to throttle me, punched me and kicked me in the stomach for which I reported her to the police.

She's always been hard work, and my Dad enabled her, but I didn't realise that this wasn't normal IYSWIM.

Since the assault and subsequent NC (or minimal contact at first) I've felt like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders which speaks volumes.

But I do feel sad for how it's worked out

As the oldest of a large family I had a pretty good relationship with my mum growing up. She worked very hard to provide for us, possibly too hard and I sometimes wish she was around a bit more. The burden was on me to look after my younger siblings. Lately I've been thinking of the amount of responsibility I had at the same age DD1 is now and I feel a bit sad. I wish we had less nice things and more of a mum. I know my younger siblings feel that she can be a bit cold and distant and always felt she would rather be at work than with us.

My DH does not buy his father a Father's Day card ... Because he can't!!!!!!