To ask what your relationship with your mum is like?

[MissPunnyMany]

I'm curious, because I only have my own to go on, and my siblings and I agree that our mum has alwas been emotionally unavailable.

Growing up I could never talk to her, she was never listening, always too busy, and if I said something she couldn't handle she'd just switch off. No discussions about anything sex or period related or anything 'important' ever took place. When I lost my virginity she just said 'oh [my name]' with a disappointed sigh. She was unavailable - present physically but no more than that. My sister took care of my physical needs like bathing (she was 11 years older) and I don't recall my mum ever bathing me. When I was ill I wanted my sister as she took care of me. She tells me she would get up to me in the night as a baby too. My mum fed us, did school runs until I was around 9 when my brother took over, and was present but she just wasn't 'there'. She never played with us or did stories, she was always busy with housework, I could be 'gone' for hours in a distant part of the house (town house) and she'd never notice.

I left home at 16 and went to live with my sister. She and her husband parented me. I don't recall missing my mum at all. I've never missed her. Is that normal? I speak to my sister every day, we're both adults with our own kids, we see each other 2-3 times a week. I feel so close to my own kids and hers, and talk about all sorts, even though they're only young. I love that intimacy.

Mother's Day is approaching and as usual I feel awkward as all the cards are so gushy and I just can't say those things. She's a really nice, kind lady and I love her, but I could easily not speak to her for months and it wouldn't matter to me.

I think the truth is I didn't ever really attach to her as an infant. Because I don't really feel attached. It's a very hollow relationship.

AIBU to ask how yours is....good and bad. One of my friends is literally best friends with her mum, who has always been completely involved in every part of her life. I can't imagine that.

Strained. I was told

Similar to some of you, mine wasn't very loving or 'there' when I was young, and as a result I'm not close to her as an adult. I love her, she can be enjoyable to be around, and we get on well enough, but I see her maybe 3 or 4 times a year and that's fine for me.

I get the impression that she would like us to be closer and in the last 10 years or so has become more sentimental, not sure if this is because she's getting older.

Unfortunately for her you reap what you sow, and because of the way she was when I was young, I don't really feel any real strong attachment towards her, and very little in the way of a sense of duty.

I'm always really of people who say their mums are amazing. I don't have a dad either so it feels doubly unfair!

I get on very well with my mum but it was a very difficult relationship for around 20 yrs.
My mother made very poor choices when I was a child and these were pretty devastating to us as a family.
As an adult woman she made a lot of changes to herself. Spent years in therapy, left an abusive relationship she was in and got an education - all of which literally set her free.
We rebuilt our relationship tentatively from that point. Now we are very solid and I hugely admire and like her. Something I would have roared at as an idea 20 yrs ago

OP - attachment is an interesting concept. Good attachment means being able to fly without looking back, as you have been supported to that point. It isn't always what we think it means
For many having a mother as a best friend might also hint at a not very healthy relationship. Again it depends on the individual

Mine is a demanding, abusive, manipulative, violent liar. She let me down hugely as a child.

NC'd 3 years ago. The peace is bliss.

Difficult. My mum is very judgey and very concerned about what people think above all else. I always found her quite cold. I worried about opening up to her that at a later date she'd use it against me. A lot of the time it was her way or the frozen highway. We get on okay. Like she said several years ago I'm not the kind of daughter she wanted. She's embarrassed telling her friends my two kids have autism. She's just very uptight and stroppy. My dad is much easier to deal with. My mum is a lot of hard work. But we rub along as it's just easier.

some of these stories are so painful
A silent mn punch on the shoulder to all who need one x

God these stories are sad. I feel torn thinking about my relationship with my Mum because she's no longer here but truth be told it was difficult. She married my Dad and went from one set of circumstances to a very different set and not for the better initially. I have an abiding idea that she didn't like me very much - I was always too fat, always making the wrong choices (but received no guidance on anything), always wrong about a lot of things but mostly always fat, even when I wasn't. It's left me with issues and I have bent over backwards to make sure I parent differently.

Hmm. Complicated.

My mum has a lot of issues that she's never really acknowledged or got help with (and has never accepted I have MH problems either), and her and dad's marriage is a weird one and not that happy. There was some abuse and neglect going on when I was small. Mum relied on me a lot later on, and we had quite an enmeshed relationship when I was in my teens and early 20s. It took a lot of effort and physical distance to build some healthier boundaries and feel independent for me.

At the moment we're in good terms. Mum is intelligent and we share many interestests, so having a chat can be lovely. But I have to stay clear of anything too personal, and have to remember not to overshare with her, to keep the adult boundaries in place.

My mum is an armadillo. Smooth on the inside, crunchy on the outside.

I think she does mean well- she's a very moral person who always does the right thing- she's just not capable of expressing herself in a pleasant or positive manner.

Everything is a snide dig either dressed up as a joke, or as faux concern. She's a very difficult and tiring person to be around. All of her social interactions are a game of cat and mouse.

My mum is warm, wise and fabulous as were her mother (my grandma) and my great grandma (by all accounts). I definitely won the parenting lottery with her and I'll always be grateful. My Dad and my Dad's family are a whole other issue...

My mum didn't know how to be a mum. She drank, wouldn't pick me and my little sister up from school, we would walk home to find she was out and the house locked. We'd be sat on the door step in the rain waiting for her. She would always make my dads tea for when he came home from work but we could easily go without. This is back in the70's. Dad eventually threw her out when I was seven, he got custody, she disappeard out of my life when I was 13, didn't hear a thing from her for three years, she phoned me out of the blue to say she had cancer. I didn't see her and I didn't go to her funeral, sad but true. She is the reason I've never had children.

I'm NC with mine, she's horrible. She's a classic narcissist and is in complete control of my dad who basically enables her to do whatever she wants.

We were never close anyway and I don't recall ever feeling any genuine affection from or for her. I have a son and I love him so very much I feel like I could burst when I think about him, there is no way she ever felt that for me.

Until we were NC I also struggled with Mother's Day, all the cards were 'to the best mum in the world' etc etc and were certainly not appropriate for mine. I used to search for the most boring card in the shop that just said 'happy mothers day' on the front and nothing inside. It's a tough one though, I think there is a lot of pressure in society for wins to be 'best friends' with their mums and when your relationship is difficult and painful or plain non-existent it can be hard to know where you fit in.

Ive been NC with my mother for 2 years

Growing up she was totally emotionally unavailable. Trying to talk to her about anything emotionally worrying, you can actually see her eyes skittering away. I dont think Ive ever heard my mum say the word "period". Very narcissistic, its all about her generally. I do understand she had issues with my dad - long marriage, he was very sexist. Hard worker, but "entitled", and that entitlement included sleeping around, including with some of my mum's "friends". I know my mum resented that, but she stayed in the marriage and became moanier and more bitter as the years went by.

What I will never, ever forgive my mother for is, instead of confronting my dad about his behaviour, and getting the hell out of the marriage (& taking steps to ensure she got a fair deal financially) she took all her angst out on her daughters. Not her sons - men are mini-Gods. Scornful of how we looked ie clothes hair weight. Scornful of decisions we made, any romantic woes (of which we had many since we had no guidance re boys & their ways) Id say she was almost gleeful, in her "all men are the same so now you know" way. Thats when she wasnt aiming to criticise me to my then DH. She is very much a mans woman, comes to light when men are present.

Anyway after all that my dad fucked off back to our home country and drained their joint account before doing so. Which sent my mum into bitter overdrive.

I somehow feel guilty that I despise her for her weakness as both a mother, and a woman. That she could let 1 man blight her life, and then take the ultimate piss by bailing out on her and leaving her nothing. But I still would never want her in my life ever again. She is a manipulative liar in ways that will bring trouble to your door. She acts as if women must pay for what she's suffered. You cant watch a tv programme with her...woe betide women appear on the screen theyre too fat, too thin, ugly, bitchy looking, old looking. Maybe its to do with her own upbringing, who knows? Nobody, as she is an emotional void you cant get to the bottom of. Although she can be good if one needs practical help..

So.. nope, I don't have a good mum. Im happy that I have a really good relationship with my own DDs. We're very open with each other, even now that they're in their 20s, and we are happy. They do love their nan in their way but understand me being NC with her 100%, & have made it clear to her that she is not to vent to them about it, because they love and respect me as their mother. Made me feel like a real grown up when they told me that! My brothers, despite their God-like status as men throughout my childhood, I do get on with very well. They're ok and not sexist at all, suprising really given mum waiting on them hand and foot. Its the most I can hope for I dont have my mum but I do have good people around me.

Those who have good, decent, caring, loving mothers should really cherish that. Thats who I aim to be to my DDs and thus far, seem to be getting it right. That will do

I understand what you mean re the not listening and not being "present" OP. In that respect I suppose when you grow up, its not going to be the textbook happy mother and daughter relationship really

This is a sad thread really but I am taking comfort that there are other people out there who know how I feel. for all of you.

mince you've described my mother to a T

My mum is a lovely, kind hearted and generous person. She will help us out if we need it, she makes an effort with my dc's.

But she also has a side to her which isn't so nice and there are aspects of my childhood which I would rather forget or that I wish would have been different.

Overall we get along fine, but I feel closer to my dnan.

My mum is useless. I do not speak to her and haven't seen her in years. Finally come to terms with the fact she doesn't love me and has never put me first.

Godstppper your words made a lot of sense to me. Thank you.

To answer the op, not good, distant, superficial, cool and fraught just underneath. Not been good since I was about 10. She is also emotionally unavailable, somewhat cruel, very critical and blaming but utterly unself aware and enabled by my dad. She can also be a good conversationalist- strangers think she's fascinating, cultured, well-read etc. Which is all true. But she was a bitch of a mother! Our relationship still really troubles me but have given up expecting any more. She seems also to expect very little of me, always has. She has no idea of my interests, what I read, who my friends are etc. She really in completed disinterested.

Find this time of year tricky too. And feel v sad, even envious, if I'm honest, of those with straghforeard and warm relationships with their mothers. I really feel the lack.

My Mum is lovely and has never ever ever said or done anything mean to me. She fully supports whatever I do and thinks I'm great. She is considerate, kind and funny. She is a great DGM to my kids to. My kids are adults now and they all think she is fab too.

She is a bit of a nervous person and let's people walk all over her though but it's because she is too nice.

My mum off loaded me to boarding school at age 10. The teenage years were awful but we are now very close and she is a big support to me and visa versa. I won't be asking her for advice when my boys are teenagers but I love her and I feel loved by her. It worked out in the end

Seeyounearertime and TimeToMuskUp I am so sorry you had such dud mothers.

She's my constant rock, and truly my best friend in the world. I honestly would be lost without her.
It's so sad reading all these stories. to all of you.

My mum is absolutely wonderful. We are the very best of friends and I adore her. She has just been diagnosed with cancer and I am terrified I'm going to lose her.

Seeyounearertime
God I'm gutted for you. I can't believe she did that to you and more so won't explain why she had no time for you. An ex of mine had a similar tale and is totally messed up. I'm sorry this happened to you and I hope you have a happier life now. I hope she feels shame for what she did. X