Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU not to visit my dying father

64 replies

goldfinch01 · 02/03/2016 08:29

My dad is dying. He has cancer and only has a few weeks left.

I haven't had a good relationship with him, and haven't really spoken to him since I was a teenager. He was quite abusive to the whole family when I was growing up. Although I now bear him no malice, I've only said a few words to him at birthdays/Christmas since I've known he was ill, and don't have any kind of relationship with him so to speak.

Yesterday, my mum asked if I wanted to go and see him to say goodbye and I said no, I don't have anything to say to him.

I know if I do go, it will feel very awkward and I just wont know what to say. Im terrified I'll become upset as I feel too embarrassed to show any kind of emotion in front of him. As far as I know, he hasn't asked to see me or anyone else, he just wants to be on his own.

AIBU not to go and see him? Will I later regret it?

OP posts:

wavingnow · 02/03/2016 10:32

Only time will tell if you will manage to cope with your final decision. Do what feels best for you and you alone. Don't feel that you have done the wrong thing no matter what you decide. Do what you want then get on with your life and don't give it any more thought. for you.

rosebiggs · 02/03/2016 10:33

Would you be able to sit with him for a little while while he was asleep perhaps, and then see how you feel from there?

SleepyBoBo · 02/03/2016 10:34

If it was either of my parents, I wouldn't go (and won't be, when the time comes). You don't get to treat your children like shit for years, then expect them to forgive, forget and hold your hand at the end. It doesn't always bring closure, most people can't bring themselves to say all the things they wish to when the time comes. However, you may just want to see him alive one more time, to remeber how far you have come, that you can say goodbye and move on without much effect. I really don't think you would be unreasonable not to go at all though.

Gottagetmoving · 02/03/2016 10:34

Don't go to see him if you are pretty sure you won't regret it later.
If you feel absolutely nothing for him then not going won't be a problem.

I think the fact you have asked whether you should or not means that you may regret it later.
If you were sure, then you wouldn't need to ask?

TheWatchersCouncil · 02/03/2016 10:48

It is entirely up to you. No decision is the right one or the wrong one. Whatever you do, you have to be sure that you can live with it. If ti still isn't clear, you may need to ask yourself which is the least worst option - which is going to cause you the least upset.

I went NC with my mother before she died suddenly of a heart attack. Although I regret that NC was necessary, I did not at the time of her death regret going NC and not having seen her 'one last time', and since her death I am absolutely fine with my decision. I regret that the whole situation was as bad as it was, but I do not regret my decisions in response to that situation.

It's hard. You will get through this though. XX

stolemyusername · 02/03/2016 10:51

My DM died last year, we didn't have the best relationship but I couldn't get to her and I didn't get to the funeral either.

It hurts more than I can say that I didn't say goodbye.

Original poster

goldfinch01 · 02/03/2016 15:53

Wow thank you, thank you so much for all the messages ladies, I wasn't expecting such a response! I've been crying tears of relief that I've been able to share this with someone. I can't say how much it has helped to hear others opinions, some of whom have been in similar situations, so thank you all!

I haven't been able to tell DH that my dad has so little time left because he is absolutely adamant that I should go and see him, and I can't cope with him pestering me to go. I've tried to explain the situation to him, but he just doesn't understand.

My mum and dad are still together (she understands I don't want to go and is fine with that). He is at home at the moment but due to go into a hospice shortly. He should already have gone in but has so far refused (typical him!) although he is now apparently in a lot of pain and deteriorating quite quickly so won't have a choice much longer.

I spent many years of both my childhood and as an adult struggling to come to terms with my dad's actions and blaming myself. I now want to do the right thing for me as I don't want him, even indirectly, to be able cause me any more pain. I felt I should go because I thought it the "done thing", and that it might somehow feel better to say goodbye and I didn't want to cause myself regret in the future by not having gone. However, I think I mourned the idea of a father figure long ago, and I don't think there will be any deathbed revelations or reunions like in the movies! In fact, I think it'll be quite traumatic for me if I do go, especially as I don't think there's likely to be any kind of apology.

Maybe I'll change my mind over the next few days, but for now if he asks to see me, I will go as I'd like to hear anything he has to say. If not, I think I'll let things be.

I will try to be kind to myself and reassure myself that whatever I do will be ok.

Thank you again all x

OP posts:

carabos · 02/03/2016 16:59

My DH was appalled that I wouldn't go, but he had a good relationship with his father, so couldn't relate. I tried to explain that not going to spend time with a dying parent who you love and loves you would be unfathomable, but staying away from someone you've been NC with for 20 years and who was an emotionally unavailable alcoholic who worked abroad for your whole childhood is a pretty rational decision.

Canyouforgiveher · 02/03/2016 17:11

I don't think you will regret it if you don't go- if you think carefully about it as you have done.

I think people who have the kind of "good but with some issues because doesn't everyone" relationships with family, have trouble understanding what it is like having an abusive unloving parent. there isn't any traction for "forgiving him for doing his best at the time" etc because he didn't do his best - he was abusive and unloving.

I also think there is a lot of drama/romance about the last meeting/saying goodbye/deathbeds. The last encounter with someone isn't the only important one- it is all the ones that went before. I wasn't with my father when he died and although I was with him shortly before that, he wasn't dying at the time so I never had any deep conversation/said goodbye etc. But that didn't matter because we had 40 plus years of loving each other and lots of lovely moments and memories etc. His last moments/days were only a tiny part of our relationship.

Same for you OP, these last days are just some other days in the long relationship you have had with your father. If that relationship is abusive, then nothing you can do or say in the last moments will really change that.

Looobyloo · 02/03/2016 17:17

I haven't seen my dad since I was about 16 & even then it was never a father/daughter relationship, (whatever one of those is) I'm very indifferent to him & don't even look upon him as my dad.

In your situation though I really have no idea what I would do, my first thought was, no way would I see him! But I think if he asked to see me I'd go if only to see what, if anything he had to say/ apologise. Otherwise I can say hand on heart I wouldn't go...I think. Gosh it's a toughie unless your in that position how can you know?

You say he's still with your mum, has he mentioned wanting you to go see him? Not that that has any bearing on your decision. You have to very right to do as you feel. Whatever you decide try not to regret it! Do as you feel only.

RitaVinTease · 02/03/2016 17:21

YANBU and its is unlikely you will regret it later.
You have nothing to say to each other. He hasnt asked to see you.
Its your Mum that feels bad about this, not you.

FantasticButtocks · 02/03/2016 17:54

YANBU - you should continue to protect yourself, and you've just said you think it would traumatise you. So don't put yourself through it. Certainly not for his sake.

Ruckeroony · 02/03/2016 18:02

If you don't feel any kind of love for him, if you really don't care what he thinks of you, then I wouldn't go. Otherwise, you may want to go, but bear in mind that he may reject you/ be horrible to you even at this stage, and if you think he is likely to, it may be better not to put yourself through that.

BananaInPyjama · 02/03/2016 22:40

I should add as a footnote....one of my siblings did the 'I shall visit his deathbed and hope he will apologise for all wrongdoings' ....no such thing and sibling regrets wasting emotional energy on him because sibling cannot forgive him and he was unfazed by the past.

So there can be regrets if you DO visit! Sadly no black and white answer

Flip

1 2 3