AIBU not to visit my dying father

[goldfinch01]

My dad is dying. He has cancer and only has a few weeks left.

I haven't had a good relationship with him, and haven't really spoken to him since I was a teenager. He was quite abusive to the whole family when I was growing up. Although I now bear him no malice, I've only said a few words to him at birthdays/Christmas since I've known he was ill, and don't have any kind of relationship with him so to speak.

Yesterday, my mum asked if I wanted to go and see him to say goodbye and I said no, I don't have anything to say to him.

I know if I do go, it will feel very awkward and I just wont know what to say. Im terrified I'll become upset as I feel too embarrassed to show any kind of emotion in front of him. As far as I know, he hasn't asked to see me or anyone else, he just wants to be on his own.

AIBU not to go and see him? Will I later regret it?

I found out my Dad had died a couple of years after the event... I would not of gone to see him and actually finding out he was dead was quite positive for me it closed a chapter..

I always consider with death...Is there anything you would want to say before he dies if not don't go...

I've been NC with my abusive father for many years. I've encountered him once, fairly recently, for unavoidable reasons and it turned me into a nervous wreck. I wouldn't go to see him on his deathbed, because I can guarantee it would upset me a lot and he wouldn't be arsed anyway.

I think if he was begging to see you, you'd have more of a dilemma because he might want to apologise to you or something - but if he hasn't asked for it, you're fine not to.

For people who haven't really known abuse and estrangement, I can understand the idea that "you might regret it" or that blood is thicker than water and so on, or that you owe it to him "because he's your dad." But not everyone has that kind of bond, because the abusive person broke it.

it's your decision and you shouldn't feel bad about what you decide.

Go.

How would you feel if your children if you have any didn't come and see you when you were dying?
None of us is the perfect parent but I do believe we should as adults show some compassion for those who did what was maybe the best they could do when we were young.

If he rejects you, so be it, but you will say goodbye to him with a clear conscience. If you get upset, so what? Death and goodbyes are upsetting.

But it's up to you.

You will not regret anything if you do this..imagine he has died already. How do you feel?

I have had such an awful relationship with my dm and I have mourned her loss (of a kind and loving mother) years ago.

I now accept I will never have a kind and loving mother. So her actual physical demise will just be a regret of what could have been rather than than anything else.

If you go, the worst that can happen is that you feel awkward, and feel it was a waste of time.

If you don't go, the worst that can happen is that you'll come to regret it for the rest of your life.

IMO the potential regret at not going will be far harder to bear than any regret at going.

I had a friend years ago, who had no relationship with her father either. She heard he'd died and was told when the funeral was and was in a similar dilemma as to whether to go or not.

She didn't know whether she'd regret not going later - so a few of us told her to go. However bad it would be, at least she'd gone - whereas, if she didn't go, she'd never know and might regret that "what might have beens".

She did go, and while it wasn't fab, it wasn't bad either and she ended up pleased that she'd gone.

I would say the same to you. You might not think you have anything to say to him, and indeed you are probably right - but on the other hand, at least you get the chance to see. So go - say goodbye, close the door - at least then you'll never end up wondering "what if?"

The only thing I would say though, is to go with no expectations. Just decide that you're going to say goodbye and close that door. If you get anything more out of it, then that's a bonus.

for you - it's a tough choice.

I was in your position and didn't go. When the death announcement came I felt nothing but relief, no sadness at all. Not relief for him, but for me. It felt like a great weight had been lifted. I didn't go to the funeral either and I have no regrets on that front either. As far I was concerned, he had died for me over 20 years ago.

It did drag up a lot of old memories in the weeks following, but I think it would have been worse if I had tried to involve myself in any way.

The only thing I felt guilty about is that I felt no sadness or anything for him at all and probably should have done. I could weep for the little girl I was and what he put me through, but nothing for him. I'm angry with my siblings for being all forgiving and acting like nothing ever happened. I'm the one with the facial scars and broken bones.

My local community has a good funeral turnout, but only 6 people outside of family went through respect to my mum and what he put her through. She didn't go either. Nobody locally could claim to have liked him.

Nobody outside of your childhood could understand what you went through, so only you know.

Just don't let anyone pressure you. Put yourself and your feelings first, even if those feelings are 'nothing'.

Hugs to you.

If I was in your position I wouldn't go because it would make me feel hypocritical.

However, as you are asking us the question, my guess is that you are in two minds and possibly concerned about what other people may think.

Regret about not doing something is possibly harder to live with than doing something that turns out as a mistake. You can console yourself better IMHO.

If you do decide to go, have no expectations that you will achieve any form of closure or feel any compassion. The best result would for you to see him only as another human being with serious flaws that prevented him from being an adequate father. None of which was your fault or responsibility.

Only you know. You probably won't be consumed by regret if you don't and probably won't have a magical reunion if you do.

If sounds like you'll deal with it, either way. Take care

Like everyone here said, YANBU. It's a personal choice, and a difficult one.

Good luck. I had the privilege of a good relationship with my late father, and have a good relationship with my mother. I cannot imagine the years of pain behind you.

Will visiting cause you any more pain? If so, don't go.

My father died last spring and I had been nc with him for over 15 years - he walked out on dm and moved countries - tried keeping in touch with him but finally went nc after several years of ea.

He asked to see me when he was dying so I trotted off to the airport and traveled over, went to the hospice to be greeted with "what the fuck are you doing here?"

He took the opportunity to abuse me verbally and I walked out again and flew home. He died 5 days later alone. I did go back over for the cremation but that was as support for my db and I didn't want to upset the rest of the family by not going . Wish I hadn't though.

If I had my time again I wouldn't have spent the time or money going to see him but at least I've put it straight in my head and I haven't been left wondering if there could have been a reconciliation iyswim.

Go with your gut instinct and don't worry about what others think about you visiting or not.

If you're posting here you're probably not 100% sure you don't want to see him(?). And if you're not 100% sure, I'd guess (although of course only you - if anyone - can know) the safer option is to go, to avoid potential regret.
But YANBU either way.

I was in your situation 6 months ago. I didn't go and neither did my sibling - so far no regrets from either of us. We didn't go to the funeral either as while you could argue there may have been some point in seeing him before he died, once we had decided not to do that, there was absolutely no point in going to the funeral (which was abroad).

I was in the same position you are in, a couple of years ago. My father was like a dark cloud over my family. He was abusive,selfish and aggressive. I'm not going to lie, but when he died it set my family free.

I did go to see him, a few days before he died. By this point the cancer had spread to his brain, so what ever I said to him he wasn't capable of answering back. He was in a private room in the hospital. I thought I would go in there and vent all the hate and venom I had held on to for so long. I hated him. But I just couldn't do it, just didn't have the energy. I wasn't sparing him, but sparing myself the damage that kind of hatred can cause.

I did speak to him, and I promised him that regardless of what he did to us, I would not tell my DD (his only grandchild). I promised she would grow up with a rose-tinted memory of the grandfather she hardly remembers. But I have broken that promise. But at least he died hearing me say that. It was a compromise but he still knew how angry I was.

You will look back and regret whatever choice you make at some point and not at others, but if you don't want to go then don't. Grief and memory are fluid, feelings ebb and pass. I can't change what I did but he's gone and for me that's all that matters. X

It is very individual choice and no one can advise you.
I have to say your post could have been written by me...NC with my father since I was almost a teen bar two awkward accidental meetings (lived in same town).
I was working in another country when I was told he had cancer and only weeks to live, so the decision to not visit was made easier by logistics. Over a decade later I have not a single regret-I did not know him in life why suddenly get all emotional because he is dying? It sounds very harsh but he was a stranger to me.

I guess one way to make you decision easier- if someone told you he had died 2 months ago and no one told you at the time, would you be full of regrets? Or just accepting?

Good luck with your decision- but don't let family push you into something you are not comfortable with (ha- voice of experience!!!)

As far as you are aware he has not asked for any visitors and wishes to be alone.

Seams to me you habe your answer

Though I wouldn't want to visit my dad, I probably would want to go to the funeral, to help me with the sense of relief that I can imagine it would bring.

Act according to your wishes alone (assuming he actually wants to see you, that is). You can't know how you will feel either way in future, but just don't let yourself be swayed in your decision by sentimental, muddle-headed 'he's your Dad, when all's said and done'/'blood is thicker than water' nonsense. But if he isn't seeing visitors, it's a moot point, anyway?

In your shoes, I wouldn't go.

Go if you decide you need to go, for you. Don't go for your Mum, or even your Dad. It's usually a mistake to do things just 'in case' you might regret not doing them.

Owllady is not a case of being soft or hard but your own experiences.

My wider and some close family have left a trail of destruction with their behaviour. As a consequence, I have come to the conclusion that, as an adult, I can choose who I spend time with, whose lives I want to invest and put energy into and that I don't have to be obliged to people whose only connection is a blood line that has only served to cause me anguish, anger and bitterness. I don't want to be and angry, bitter person so, where possible, I have cut them from my life.

As everyone else says, no you are not unreasonable not to go.

Do what feels right to you. If you decide not to go, do it without regrets. Do not beat yourself up. Give yourself permission.

Sorry for this situation you are in

And so sorry to everyone on here with cunts for fathers

Gatehouse, I haven't seen my own father for fourteen years, so I do totally understand you. But my parents are divorced so it's been easier to make that decision. I wouldn't go see my father fwiw but I doubt he'd want me there anyway

I don't know, I was just thinking wwid for my mums sake? My mum is nice :) so yes, I was being soft!

I have 2 adult DC's and I would actually advise them differently.
My eldest would be able to go and tell him what a bastard he has been
though they would not want to go.
My youngest would want to go, they would think he would say I love you, and everything would be fine. When in reality he would say Fuck off
and they would be even more damaged by the bastard.
What does your mum think ?

From someone who has been in this situation, go and say goodbye, you will regret not doing it.

I would go and just be kind to him. I wouldn't want to have the possibility of regrets that you can't do anything about afterwards.