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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my mum live in my flat?

65 replies

BaBaBaBoom · 01/03/2016 21:12

Long history with my mum that I have posted about recently - but basically she lives in France and wants to come back to UK to live permanently.

She is leaving her husband, and already did a bit of a midnight flit 6 weeks ago - all pre planned, he is a total shit (more about that later). The flit was planned months in advance and I knew from the beginning about it.

Now, I have a flat that I used to live in but now rent out to a tenant. My tenant is good, pays on time, keeps the house in perfect order etc, is a dream tenant (which I know from experience can be hard to find). However in order to help my mum out (who would be returning with a dog & jobless, so would find it hard to find a rental) I said she could move into my flat.

I gave my tenant 3 months notice and was honest about my mum's plans, he understood and looked elsewhere.

Mum returned a month before tenant was due to move out. DH, DD and I took her for a meal the first night she was back and I overheard her tell my DH she didn't want to move in to my flat anymore.

The next day I confronted her and she said she didn't know wether she should move in to my flat or not - said it was very small and she wanted to return to France to sell her house. I asked her to let me know within the next day (as I'd have the pain of finding a new tenant). The next day she text me to say she wasn't going to be moving in.

I phoned my tenant straight away, apologised and said before I put it on the rental market, would he like to stay? He'd just heard his next house had flooded so it was perfect timing for him, and he agreed to stay put.

5 minutes later, mum called and said she'd changed her mind, she'd have the flat afterall. I said sorry, I've just told my tenant he can stay, and I'm not calling him back to reneg. She actually bollocked me for asking him too soon after her text Hmm

She went back to France, back to twat husband, where she is apparently saving more money and selling the house to get money that way too.

That was 6 weeks ago, and in that 6 week period she's been looking online at houses that allow pets and I've been going round viewing them for her. Because she doesn't have a job she'd need to pay 6 months upfront (which she can afford with what she's saved, but she doesn't really want to). Some places want a double deposit because she has a dog.

Spoke to her today and she's stressed about the house hunting. She asked me if I would give my tenant notice again so she can move into my flat round about May. She said her biggest mistake was "having a wobble" about moving in. I said that I can't do that to him after messing him about already and she said "not even for your desperate mum so I don't have to pay 6 months upfront?".

AIBU to have said no? She's in a mood with me again. I know it's my mum but she chose not to move in after saying she would so she only has herself to blame.

So, back to her husband - so as not to drip feed I thought the easiest way to show what a twat he is is to link to my recent thread about him (trigger warning: sexual abuse) - it's not necessarily relevant to the situation (so don't feel obliged to read it!) but I didn't want to drip feed in any way. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/a2573950-Would-you-stay-with-your-partner-if-he-was-a-bit-letchy-to-your-teenage-DD

OP posts:
mellowfartfulness · 01/03/2016 21:55

YANBU - getting rid of a dream tenant to help your mum out is extremely generous of you and she's not entitled to mess you about like that. She could have had the help, she declined, she doesn't get to keep changing her mind about something that significantly affects both you and your lovely tenant.

She can afford to sort herself out, she's not in dire straits. Yes you want to help her leave the shit husband, but there's a difference between accepting much-needed help and demanding people bend over backwards to accommodate random whims.

purplepandas · 01/03/2016 21:55

YANBU. I read your previous thread too and was appalled. Please do stand firm. I know that it can be difficult when parents have strops and don't behave well. You deserve better and I am glad that your Mum did change her mind. She can pay the 6 months, it's her choice.

Goingtobeawesome · 01/03/2016 21:57

Your tenant sounds more deserving than your mother. She's shown herself to be unreliable. The tenant is totally reliable. She bollocked you for acting on your text. He was gracious about your mum needing the flat then not needing it. No brainer for me.

sparechange · 01/03/2016 21:58

Your tenant has been fair and honourable. Your mother has been the polar opposite.
Sharing DNA doesn't mean someone gets to behave so badly in recent years and then again when you try to help her out.

It also sends a firm message that you aren't her lapdog and she can sort her own shit out without resorting to emotional blackmail

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 01/03/2016 22:00

Yanbu

It's not even as if she can't pay the six months upfront she just doesn't want to

GinIsIn · 01/03/2016 22:01

If ever there was a mum with whom you should go NC, I think it's yours. She wasn't there for you when you were in an abusive situation - you are absolutely not under obligation to be there for her. I think you have already been too accommodating tbh - it's far, far more than she deserves. I know she's your mum but you are not obliged to help her - I think the fact you posted your previous thread is an indication that the way she was then still hurts you now and you need some distance so her living in your place is far from ideal. Flowers for you, OP- just do whatever feels right for you, not what you feel you should do.

Quoteunquote · 01/03/2016 22:03

Keep the good tenant , they are hard to find. she may well flit off to somewhere else.

and just keep offering what support you can.

Whocansay · 01/03/2016 22:10

You must know that if you actually let her move in, given your past experience, you're unlikely to see any actual rent from her?

I wouldn't let her move in. You have to think about your own security.

Moglet85 · 01/03/2016 22:11

Hi OP. Agreed with others that YANBU, then I read your previous post about earlier events... You owe this woman absolutely nothing. Am amazed that you still speak to her after the way she has betrayed you.
I respect your strength of character Flowers. Definitely keep your tenant in the flat and let your mum sort herself out. She made her bed, let her lie in it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/03/2016 22:15

"I said that I can't do that to him after messing him about already and she said "not even for your desperate mum so I don't have to pay 6 months upfront?". "
Well, she's not desperate, is she? (And she's not your mum either, just the woman who gave birth to you IMO!) She just doesn't want to pay 6 months upfront. Which would make me suspect she doesn't want to pay rent at all, and would bleat about not being able to afford it at her first opportunity. She would fuck you over without blinking Sad. Time to get the bargepole out ...

Redglitter · 01/03/2016 22:20

You'd be mad to get rid of a good tenant. I bet she'd barely be in before shed be asking to skip the rent for some reason or another

HeffalumpHistory · 01/03/2016 22:21

Keep your tenant!

Such a shame for your mum & sounds like she's had a shit time but she can freely afford the 6months rent somewhere else and is not reliable, as demonstrated.

The tenant sounds like he's been great & worth holding onto as long as possible. It would be highly unfair to mess the poor guy around again

Tough one for you Flowers

Arfarfanarf · 01/03/2016 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

M00nUnit · 01/03/2016 22:26

Having read your other thread I'm amazed you're doing anything to help this woman at all! I can't believe what you went through and how little she did to protect you from it. You're already doing more than enough for her and she doesn't NEED to live in your flat.

MattDillonsPants · 01/03/2016 22:33

YANBU. She will get her deposit back if she looks after her rental.

Gobbolino6 · 01/03/2016 22:38

YANBU. I think giving notice to your tenant again would be pretty low, and I think your mum is being staggeringly self-centered.

Ginkypig · 01/03/2016 22:39

I posted on your last thread i think.

Please please do not let her move into your flat.

She has let you down time and time again. She has been complicit in the abuse you suffered by not supporting and helping you.

She might be your mother and therefore you feel (genetically) obliged to have her in your life and want a relationship but please keep your life safe by not having complications like letting your house to her etc.

You might not want to hear this and I'm sorry if I am stepping over the boundries but I want you to know.

I am very very angry on your behalf at your mother, she betrayed you in the most horrific way, I know you don't see it (yet) but she has been incredibly damaging to you. She should have instantly made you safe the moment she knew you weren't but she didn't in fact she put you in danger knowing the truth. She has behaved atrociously towards you.

I hope one day you can have the happiness you deserve without people who are supposed to love you treating you badly.

Flowers
cranberryx · 01/03/2016 22:41

Your mum sounds very much like she would cause problems later on if you did decide to rent to her. Late payments (if at all) leaving at short notice, or even making changes to the property. Renting to family is fraught with problems, even when the relationship isn't as rocky as yours is.

Keep your tenant. Yanbu.

MidniteScribbler · 01/03/2016 22:42

Just tell her that you let the tenant sign a new lease (about a ten year one!) and you can't get him to move out now, so sorry, it's just too bad.

Beahun · 01/03/2016 22:47

I remember your old thread,didn't have to read it again as it stuck with me. God, don't let her to live in your flat. She can stay with that awful man. They deserve each other! I have a DD I would never let her down like she has let you down. Please, just forget about what she wants and think of yourself and your family!

shazzarooney99 · 01/03/2016 22:50

I think you are perfectly within your rights to do what you are doing op, stick with your original tennant op,do not let your mum to mess you about x xxxx

Hissy · 01/03/2016 22:51

Can you afford for her not to pay the rent? Because that is exactly what she will do.

Never mix money with family/friends

Damselindestress · 01/03/2016 22:55

Woah, I already thought your mother was BU but when I read your previous thread I realised it's on a whole different level. I know it's easier said than done to stand up to family but you do not owe her anything. She didn't look after you when you were a child, you do not have to look after her now. Don't do anything to jeopardise the stable life that you have built, including evicting a reliable tenant for her. It would be a really bad idea to rent to her because she would take the piss and then play the "you wouldn't evict your poor old mother" card. She only wants to rent your flat to get out of paying a deposit, how soon until she wants to get out of paying the rent? She is using you. Please get help to establish healthy boundaries.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/03/2016 23:10

Yabu to offer to sacrifice a reliable tenant for her convenience. Let her live with the consequences of her actions. You really owe her nothing. She has failed in her primary duty to you which is to protect you.

GloGirl · 01/03/2016 23:13

Ignoring the situation about your step Dad you were still not in the wrong. Your rental flat is actual income, security, peace of mind, necessary for survival. Your Mum is a flake and probably wouldn't pay you etc.

And reading your thread about your step Dad, I am just so sad for you and how your childhood was ruined. You were let down in such an abhorrent way.

Please, if you can, find money for counselling. Or ask your GP for a referral Flowers

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