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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Slap at nursery

51 replies

DirtyHarrietOnABike · 29/02/2016 23:54

My son is 4 and today he told me his nursery key worker smacked him really hard on his head because he was naughty. I am gobsmacked (no pun) and asked him in many different ways to describe what exactly happened and his story is consistent. He even showed me how she did it and each time it was with force. I asked if he cried, if he told another teacher and what happened aftetwards. He said he cried a lot and there was no other teachers in the room. I find it really hard to believe because it is a small nursery and only have 2 rooms and there are always at least two teachers per room. He then proceeded to tell me that this teacher smacked another child too. When I asked him if he was sure, he laughed. However, he was very serious and consistent when he was explaining how the teacher hit him.

On a separate occasion, about two weeks ago, my son complained to me that when he was visiting his dad's place (we are separated and my ex shares a house with his sister her husband, their two kids, 3 & 5 and his sister's mother in law) the mother in law hurt him by pulling his ear. After consistently repeating the story, he then added that his uncle hurt him too. A minute after he was denying about the uncle but being consistent about the uncle's mum. When I asked my ex, he denied it, but in the meantime became defensive, saying that our son was constantly aggresive towards his cousins. To which I responded with a threat that I am reporting it to the police if he doesn't take measures to never leave our son in this woman's care. He agreed.

Just to explain further, my son is a dream child, not aggressive at all, very gentle, sensible and aware of boundaried and I was very suprised that he may have been agressive towards his cousins. Then I remembered that a month ago his cousins broke his tablet and the girl, 3, left a blue bite mark on his arm. So I told my ex that our son was most probably provoked. Anyway we agreed that he will keep a constant eye on him and that was it, because my ex is a dream dad who is extremely kind, gentle and protective of our son all the time, so I trust him completely. (I know, son and dad are very much alike in temperament.)

Anyway, back to my dilema... Is my son telling the truth about his teacher smacking him and what should I do?...

OP posts:
chelsbells · 01/03/2016 07:11

You need to let the nursery manager know exactly what your DS has said. They will/should suspend the suspected staff member and gather facts from other staff that were in the room that day and also have a meeting with the accused member of staff, and check CCTV if they have it. They will also report the accusation to LADO (local area designated officer for safeguarding) and report their findings. If all staff concur that it didn't happen, the staff will be allowed back to work and nothing more will be heard of it - if not, obviously she would be struck off.

It's a serious matter and needs to be dealt with - yes he could have made it up but you need to report it, especially if he was quite detailed and serious about it all

Hennifer · 01/03/2016 07:27

Even if he has made it up, something has caused him to do so. I really don't like the sound of either setting - with your ex, and this dangerous interesting collection of relatives, or at nursery.

I hope you manage to find out for sure what has taken place and protect him from any further incidents.

Witchend · 01/03/2016 07:28

Dd2 told me once at preschool that a teacher had hit her and told her off.

What had really happened was she was running in the corridor, which wasn't allowed. And run into this teacher's hand as she bent Dow to put stuff away. The teacher said to her "you shouldn't be running, should you".

To her mind it was true...

HighwayDragon1 · 01/03/2016 07:30

I'm alone with children all day albeit teenagers it's a rare luxury to get ta these days!

It's good practice not to be alone in situations like changing/toilets, to protect the adult as much as the child.

insancerre · 01/03/2016 07:32

Silvercatowner
You better tell all those childminders they are working illegally then

insancerre · 01/03/2016 07:34

Sorry it wasn't silver
It was living in a lighthouse
Its too early and I'm not awake

SoupDragon · 01/03/2016 07:37

I think it's important that your DS knows you will take things seriously, which is not the same as believing everything he says. You need to speak to the manager to find out what really happened.

BertieBotts · 01/03/2016 07:54

Oh yes, I remember DS going through a phase where everything was "YOU 'URT ME!!" when he had actually just got himself totally wound up and was not really in control of himself.

I do think you should mention it to them. They should be able to investigate it. Young children do get confused and sometimes make things up but they should have procedure in place. If nothing else this particular member of staff can be more closely supervised.

Original poster
DirtyHarrietOnABike · 01/03/2016 07:57

Thank you all. I am going there at 10.

OP posts:
Tallulahoola · 01/03/2016 10:35

DD once told me, very seriously and consistently, that her key worker had hit her in the head. She didn't seem upset by it but believed it was because she had been naughty. Spoke to her key worker (who I totally trust) who explained that she had accidentally knocked her head when she turned round at the same moment DD was barrelling past in the playground. But DD hadn't understood the accidental nature of it, which I think is common for toddlers.

She also sometimes comes out with complete nonsense (she once told nursery I'd hit her when I would never do anything of the sort) but it's quite easy to tell then that she's making up stories.

That's not to say it's untrue in your case. Definitely ask the nursery about it. They shouldn't be offended by it at all. If they get defensive then your alarm bells should start ringing.

Original poster
DirtyHarrietOnABike · 01/03/2016 13:07

Update:
I went to the nursery and it went very well, actually.
The first reaction of the manager was to tell me that they take such situations extremely seriously. She asked me in and we discussed in detail. I told her what my son shared with me. Then I said I do not want to accuse anyone at this stage and hope to God it is not true, but in the same time I would like to ask them to investigate the matter just in case it is true, so that we can resolve it one way or another. She said 'definitely', she will log it in and investigate and come back to me with her findings tomorrow.
She did go through the course of yesterday with me step by step and remembered that said nursery worker was actually in the babies' room most of the day that day and in the room where my son was were another teacher and the manager herself. She showed me photos of what they did yesterday and my son was present on most of the photos. She remembered that there could be only about 5 unaccounted minutes when my son was in his key worker's care outside gathering leaves for a project. Then she called my son in the room and in a very gentle way tried to extract information of what happened yesterday, what made him happy, what made him unhappy etc, which I was very impressed with as an approach, but he seemed very shy and did not mention the incident to her. In a way I was relieved about it. We shall see. Basically, even if it did happen, I am sure they will take note. Hopefully it didn't.

I will keep you posted.

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 01/03/2016 13:31

Sounds like a good result, they handled it well.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 01/03/2016 13:43

My niece went through a phase of making things up, that the caretaker at school took her in a cupboard, that a teacher screamed at her, her cousin hit her. It started out one every coupleof weeks, then progressed to almost daily,get to more and more far fetched.
My Dsis arranged for her to see a child psychologist, and my niece told them that she made it all up, because every time she did it, she got more attention from her mum Sad

At that point my sister restructured the care arrangements with her ex, making it every other weekend and not during the week, to give her more stability, and her ex stopped leaving her with his mum or aunt so much, and my niece soon stopped it.

I'm not saying at all that he is making anything up,there isn't enough to go on and only you can make that call, but had anything changed at home or anything that could be having an effect on him?

I really hope the nursery worker didn't hurt your son Flowers

NewChristian · 01/03/2016 13:49

Personally, if it did happen, I would not want my child to return to that nursery.

Jesabel · 01/03/2016 13:58

It seems very unlikely to it happened - fortunate for that worker that she was in another room that day.

Children that age often have a different view on reality to adults, the lines between real and fantasy aren't so clear and their interpretation of things are different to an adults. It's very common for a child who has been accidentally bumped to tell everyone that 'mummy kicked me'. It's not often malicious or deliberate lying though, just their own version of the truth.

No adult is legally allowed to be left alone with children, so that in itself is a safe guarding issue
Not sure where you heard this but I can promise you adults legally and safely often are alone with children Ilive.

Cococo1 · 01/03/2016 14:02

Nursery sounds good, and you were right to raise it. If nothing else, it is logged.

This did actuslly happen at my dd's nursery - a staff member pinched (!) a kid. She was really really lovely too, and various parents used her for babysitting.

amarmai · 01/03/2016 14:08

if she did this -and i wd beleive my child- then she knows she wd be in trouble and it's unlikely she will admit it. But if she is that kind of person , there may have been prev allegations. Regardless of the outcome, support your ds and report to the nursery .

Katenka · 01/03/2016 14:14

So what's your feelings the moment OP?

I am only asking because it's going to very difficult for the nursery, even if it didn't happen.

Jesabel · 01/03/2016 14:15

If you automatically believe the child then it seems that recently he was been slapped by a nursery nurse that probably only spent 5 minutes with him, had his ear pulled by his aunt's MIL and been hurt by his uncle all in the last 2 weeks. It does seem unlikely to me.

Jesabel · 01/03/2016 14:16

Katenka - this kind of thing happens fairly often (either an 'accusation' against the staff or the parents) so I doubt the nursery will find it too difficult. They've probably dealt with it before.

Katenka · 01/03/2016 14:29

jesabel ah right thank you.

I wonder how they sort the real from the imaginary. Don't envy anyone in that job.

Original poster
DirtyHarrietOnABike · 01/03/2016 15:40

Hi, Katenka. Suprisingly, my feelings today are positive and I had no concerns leaving him in nursery today. I am generally a very trusting person and seem to attract positivity, don't like to critisize people (nursery staff in this case) for the smallest thing and thought that this positivity always caught up with the people looking after my son. Not to mention that he is a very popular and well loved child - in this nursery and the previous one as well. (we changed nurseries last June because of dietary requirements which the first nursery could not accomodate).
I do find it weird that my son has been hurt by his aunts MIL, his uncle (which he later denied) and by the nursery worker all within the timespan of two weeks. Plus he mentioned another child being hurt by the same nursery worker yesterday (which he later also denied). I can wholeheartedly say I do believe in the possibility the MIL hurt him (I never met her). The uncle I know and they are a placid family, but I don't live with them. The keyworker - total shock... I don't want to believe it.
In the meantime, I do want to support my son. I will give him the benefit of the doubt just to keep him confident enough that he can share anything with me and he will receive my support. On the other hand, I will watch him closely and try to draw a conclusion later on. Right now it is still too early... even for me.

I don't plan to quit this nursery right now for several reasons:

  1. He is old enough to be able to say to me if this happens to him again.
  1. The issue is raised so they will be on alert and hopefully, proceed with extra care.
  1. He is happy there and has made very good friends.
  1. Other nurseries in the area do not accomodate his dietary needs
  1. He only has a few months left till he starts reception.

Obviously, I will be extra vigilant from now on and at the slightest sign of problems, am ready to withdraw him etc.

I will also catch up on my reading about this phenomenon in 4 year olds.
I will definitely NOT tell him I do not believe him. I will try to explain to him the consequences of lies (in general and in particular).

Another thing that I forgot to mention is that he actually does know the consequences and yesterday and this morning was mentioning his keyworker being approached by police and placed under arrest and he wasn't sad about it, on the opposite - was smilin... I did not say that, but he probably heard it when I was discussing with my ex reporting his sister's MIL and it probably stuck in his mind.

Still undecided on what to make of the whole situation, but glad the nursery took note and acted concerned and will keep my eyes wide open.

Thank you very much for your support.

OP posts:
Lonecatwithkitten · 01/03/2016 16:27

My DD went through a phase at a similar age where if I asked her to do something she didn't want to ( wear clothes, brush teeth, brush hair) she would say she was 'going to get the police to come and take me away'.
I wonder if he has overheard you with four year old flapping ears and then his key worker asked him to do something he didn't want to or did he have the hump with her because she was with the babies all day.

Silvercatowner · 01/03/2016 21:28

Silvercatowner
You better tell all those childminders they are working illegally then

You may have misread my post.

insancerre · 02/03/2016 13:08

Yes I did, who h is why I instantly apologised in the very next post