To be annoyed with these people?

[WoodleyPixie]

My mum looks after a little boy for her goddaughter. Was supposed to be two days a week but invariably it is at least three days. She doesn't charge for this and the parents don't even put a few pound coins in the change bag to pay for the toddler groups and swimming they expect my mum to take him.

Anyway the bit I'm annoyed about is my
Grandma (mum's mum) died last week and so my mum is helping my grandad with the funeral plans and all the other stuff that a death in the family entails on top of grieving for the loss of her mother. My dad rang the mum and said that my mum was not able to look after the little boy as she was understandably upset and busy.

I've found out today that they have asked to bring him back to my mum this week! My mum won't say no and they play on this.

Surely the done thing is to give my mum time to sort everything out and to grieve. The funeral isn't for another week.

The mum is due to leave for maternity leave in a months time, under the circumstances could she not have taken parental leave or started maternity leave early?

I want to say something but don't want to cause my mum anymore upset at this time.

Sorry if not clear.

My mum is not paid a penny to look after a two year old 2/3 days a week.
It is the goddaughter due to go on maternity leave at the end of March
Yes they are expecting my mum to look after a baby and toddler for free once she goes back to work.

My mum won't say no as she says they cannot afford to pay for childcare and need to work to pay mortgage. But she has already expressed concern to them about taking the boy to funeral home and registrar plus church to make arrangements for the service.

Where are the goddaughters parents? And her husbands?

Very difficult as your mum sounds like she enjoys it.

Maybe call them and just say you are worried about your mum, hope they don't mind you calling etc but she needs a bit of a break? Word it all nicey nicey. I'm sure you are tempted to tell them what you really think (I would be) but the fall out would only stress your mum out more at an already difficult time for her.

An aside and not really relevant but my mum gave up work to look after my dc. For which I always made sure I gave her money to pay for activities or ice creams etc. But equally didn't mind if she never took them out. Was just happy that they were spending time with their grandparent and grateful to my mum. She was also younger and in better health than she is now.

Wow, some people really do have a brass neck! Sadly though your DM has not put her foot down & they continue to take advantage. It's a difficult one, I'd be tempted to have a word, but your DM is an adult...

The goddaughter has a mum but she works full time.
The husband works full time and his mum has depression so says she can't look after him. The boy goes to nursery two days a week which the goddaughter mum pays for!

We had a similar situation in our family.
The person doing the child care was very relieved when another family member eventually confronted the piss takers parents during a difficult time as they were actually feeling a bit bullied obliged & made to feel guilty if they ever said it wasn't possible to have the children.

You know your mum,you know your family,if it's too much then they need telling.

In the nicest way possible, I think (from your posts) that you're projecting your feelings onto the situation.

You need to find out first how your mum REALLY feels.

There are 2 situations here - the ongoing piss take about them not paying for activities and the asking your mum to do child care while she is grieving.

You absolutely can get involved (and there are suggestions up-thread about how you might do that, some of which I agree with), but the most important thing has to be about what is right for your mum with both situations. So have a cuppa or a glass of wine with your mum, and suss out where her head is, and then act from that.

Good luck, and i'm sorry for you for the loss of your grandma, and to her for the loss of her mum. x

You shouldnt stick your oar in without talking to your Mum. Maybe she needs a distraction and id understand that. Id also understand that she might not be up to it at the moment. We all cope with grief differently and maybe having some sense of normal routine will help your Mum to cope.

Talk to your Mum tomorrow. If she doesnt want to do it then a phone call saying she isnt up to it is in order. I can understand that they have been left in the lurch re childcare but it isnt your problem and dont let them make it your problem. The only thing they might do is turn around and say your Mum isnt needed again but you can cross that bridge when you come to it. If they are that insensitive i wouldnt want to work for them anyway

Good Lord. Your mum does 3 days FREE childcare and they're being difficult about compassionate leave?
Some people don't know they're born.
Does she enjoy doing it or does she feel obliged to do it?

I think generally while feeling a putout she does enjoy looking after him. My mum would ever say that she can't have him. Even the day my grandma died my dad called the goddaughter to say she couldn't have him as my mum was too concerned about letting them down.

That's why I know is that aside from the grieving, she has a shed load of stuff to do for and with my grandad, which will be difficult to do with a toddler around.

I'll just have to funding silence I think as I don't want to cause my mum anymore upset. The Last thing she needs is to be in the middle of a disagreement between her daughter and God daughter.

I will step in though if I think it gets any worse.

I hope she doesn't take the baby when that arrives as well as the toddler.

Surely they won't expect that of her.

oh yes they do 1scoop not only that, they also want her to take the then 3yr old to the other side of town for pre school near where they live, then pick him up and take him back to mums. It will take at least an hour to get across town in rush hour to get him to pre school on time and then about 20 minutes to get back home again. then to return two hours later to collect.

My mum suggested that he goes to a pre school near her house, but they want him to go to the one attached to the school he will attend. This is understandable in many ways, however if you have free child care, I feel that sometimes you need to make sacrifices and realise as long as its a nice nurturing pre school it doesn't matter which one they go to or if its attached to the school. Many children don't go to the pre school attached to primary as they have been at full time day care nursery until they start school.

I think part of me is deflecting my grief and being angry at them for not being considerate towards my mum.

Wow Op that is a massive ask. I hope you're mum rethinks things. That's a huge tie and responsibility.

It beggars belief what certain people expect in life.

so sorry about your grandma.

I have to admit I'd feel exactly the same as you. Not sure I'd be able to bite my tongue as well as you.

thank you.