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AIBU?

To be annoyed with these people?

40 replies

WoodleyPixie · 29/02/2016 20:28

My mum looks after a little boy for her goddaughter. Was supposed to be two days a week but invariably it is at least three days. She doesn't charge for this and the parents don't even put a few pound coins in the change bag to pay for the toddler groups and swimming they expect my mum to take him.

Anyway the bit I'm annoyed about is my
Grandma (mum's mum) died last week and so my mum is helping my grandad with the funeral plans and all the other stuff that a death in the family entails on top of grieving for the loss of her mother. My dad rang the mum and said that my mum was not able to look after the little boy as she was understandably upset and busy.

I've found out today that they have asked to bring him back to my mum this week! My mum won't say no and they play on this.

Surely the done thing is to give my mum time to sort everything out and to grieve. The funeral isn't for another week.

The mum is due to leave for maternity leave in a months time, under the circumstances could she not have taken parental leave or started maternity leave early?

I want to say something but don't want to cause my mum anymore upset at this time.

OP posts:

Report

WoodleyPixie · 01/03/2016 10:28

thank you.

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 01/03/2016 10:26

Wow Op that is a massive ask. I hope you're mum rethinks things. That's a huge tie and responsibility.

It beggars belief what certain people expect in life.

so sorry about your grandma.

I have to admit I'd feel exactly the same as you. Not sure I'd be able to bite my tongue as well as you.

WoodleyPixie · 01/03/2016 10:22

oh yes they do 1scoop not only that, they also want her to take the then 3yr old to the other side of town for pre school near where they live, then pick him up and take him back to mums. It will take at least an hour to get across town in rush hour to get him to pre school on time and then about 20 minutes to get back home again. then to return two hours later to collect.

My mum suggested that he goes to a pre school near her house, but they want him to go to the one attached to the school he will attend. This is understandable in many ways, however if you have free child care, I feel that sometimes you need to make sacrifices and realise as long as its a nice nurturing pre school it doesn't matter which one they go to or if its attached to the school. Many children don't go to the pre school attached to primary as they have been at full time day care nursery until they start school.

I think part of me is deflecting my grief and being angry at them for not being considerate towards my mum.

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 01/03/2016 10:01

I hope she doesn't take the baby when that arrives as well as the toddler.

Surely they won't expect that of her.

WoodleyPixie · 01/03/2016 09:38

I think generally while feeling a putout she does enjoy looking after him. My mum would ever say that she can't have him. Even the day my grandma died my dad called the goddaughter to say she couldn't have him as my mum was too concerned about letting them down.

That's why I know is that aside from the grieving, she has a shed load of stuff to do for and with my grandad, which will be difficult to do with a toddler around.

I'll just have to funding silence I think as I don't want to cause my mum anymore upset. The Last thing she needs is to be in the middle of a disagreement between her daughter and God daughter.

I will step in though if I think it gets any worse.

OP posts:

JeremyZackHunt · 01/03/2016 00:01

Good Lord. Your mum does 3 days FREE childcare and they're being difficult about compassionate leave?
Some people don't know they're born.
Does she enjoy doing it or does she feel obliged to do it?

altctrldel · 29/02/2016 23:55

You shouldnt stick your oar in without talking to your Mum. Maybe she needs a distraction and id understand that. Id also understand that she might not be up to it at the moment. We all cope with grief differently and maybe having some sense of normal routine will help your Mum to cope.

Talk to your Mum tomorrow. If she doesnt want to do it then a phone call saying she isnt up to it is in order. I can understand that they have been left in the lurch re childcare but it isnt your problem and dont let them make it your problem. The only thing they might do is turn around and say your Mum isnt needed again but you can cross that bridge when you come to it. If they are that insensitive i wouldnt want to work for them anyway

Fatmomma99 · 29/02/2016 23:55

In the nicest way possible, I think (from your posts) that you're projecting your feelings onto the situation.

You need to find out first how your mum REALLY feels.

There are 2 situations here - the ongoing piss take about them not paying for activities and the asking your mum to do child care while she is grieving.

You absolutely can get involved (and there are suggestions up-thread about how you might do that, some of which I agree with), but the most important thing has to be about what is right for your mum with both situations. So have a cuppa or a glass of wine with your mum, and suss out where her head is, and then act from that.

Good luck, and i'm sorry for you for the loss of your grandma, and to her for the loss of her mum. x

MissBeaHaving · 29/02/2016 23:21

We had a similar situation in our family.
The person doing the child care was very relieved when another family member eventually confronted the piss takers parents during a difficult time as they were actually feeling a bit bullied obliged & made to feel guilty if they ever said it wasn't possible to have the children.

You know your mum,you know your family,if it's too much then they need telling.

WoodleyPixie · 29/02/2016 22:02

The goddaughter has a mum but she works full time.
The husband works full time and his mum has depression so says she can't look after him. The boy goes to nursery two days a week which the goddaughter mum pays for!

OP posts:

spongebob5 · 29/02/2016 22:00

Wow, some people really do have a brass neck! Sadly though your DM has not put her foot down & they continue to take advantage. It's a difficult one, I'd be tempted to have a word, but your DM is an adult...

WoodleyPixie · 29/02/2016 22:00

An aside and not really relevant but my mum gave up work to look after my dc. For which I always made sure I gave her money to pay for activities or ice creams etc. But equally didn't mind if she never took them out. Was just happy that they were spending time with their grandparent and grateful to my mum. She was also younger and in better health than she is now.

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JuxtapositionRecords · 29/02/2016 22:00

Very difficult as your mum sounds like she enjoys it.

Maybe call them and just say you are worried about your mum, hope they don't mind you calling etc but she needs a bit of a break? Word it all nicey nicey. I'm sure you are tempted to tell them what you really think (I would be) but the fall out would only stress your mum out more at an already difficult time for her.

Alisvolatpropiis · 29/02/2016 21:58

Where are the goddaughters parents? And her husbands?

WoodleyPixie · 29/02/2016 21:58

Sorry if not clear.

My mum is not paid a penny to look after a two year old 2/3 days a week.
It is the goddaughter due to go on maternity leave at the end of March
Yes they are expecting my mum to look after a baby and toddler for free once she goes back to work.

My mum won't say no as she says they cannot afford to pay for childcare and need to work to pay mortgage. But she has already expressed concern to them about taking the boy to funeral home and registrar plus church to make arrangements for the service.

OP posts:

ijustwannadance · 29/02/2016 21:52

So in 6-12 months you mum will be looking after the little boy and the baby for free while godD and partner are working and saving shit loads of money? They should never expect her to pay for the child's activites. Your mum sounds like mine. Too nice and people take advantage.

BillBrysonsBeard · 29/02/2016 21:42

YANBU OP, so inconsiderate of them with what your mum is going through. And even without her losing her mum, they are taking the piss. Why does your mum HAVE to take him to activities?

Only1scoop · 29/02/2016 21:36

I think it's the god daughter who is due to go on maternity leave.

It's the Op's grandma who has died I believe.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 29/02/2016 21:34

You mention maternity leave. Is your mum about to have a baby?

Surely she can just explain that her father has just died and she is heavily pregnant so not up to looking after a toddler for free.

eddielizzard · 29/02/2016 21:16

they are using her horribly. but you can't fight your mum's battles. you can tell her how angry you are on her behalf but she's having an awfully hard time. if i were you i'd suggest to her that she not takes the little boy. she's probably very attached to him.

shazzarooney99 · 29/02/2016 21:08

I personally would say something to he rmyself, shes taking the piss, and especially knowing your mum wont say no,your mum is grieving, what a selfish person this lady is.

ZenNudist · 29/02/2016 21:00

I'd ring up and cancel for your mum. Do it nicely and say that given the circumstances you think they need to give up using your mum for childcare, be ready to ask when her mat leave starts and say you won't be needing mum then anyway will you.

End convo by saying that your mum had had a hard time lately and that it's the least they can do seeing as she has been free childcare plus paid for activities for their dc.

I do think your dm is a mug though.

CaptainCrunch · 29/02/2016 20:55

She isn't paid at all, it actually costs her money to watch him as they expect her to take him to specific activities but provide no money for them. They are freeloading exploitative shits.

Only1scoop · 29/02/2016 20:52

From what I understood they pay Zero

NeedACleverNN · 29/02/2016 20:51

I'd call if I thought my mum honestly needed more time and I would say "look mum, you obviously need a bit more time so I've cancelled Bob to come back this week"

If she protests I would just argue back.

However it is your mums choice and maybe she wants to do it again to distract herself?

Ask her outright if she had the choice would she have had Bob back this week or not and go from there

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