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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should poorly DH have been pulling his weight today?

68 replies

Plateofcrumbs · 29/02/2016 18:16

DH and I both have a virus and feeling ill. DH took the day off work as he didn't feel well enough to go in.

I work part-time and was at home today with DS. I could have sent him to childminder but decided to tough it out despite feeling very rough.

DH has been in bed all day sleeping and watching Netflix. I don't think he is any more unwell than me.

I thought with DH at home I might get a bit of respite today but have had a full-on slog with a tantrumming toddler.

AIBU to have expected DH to do a bit of parenting today or as he is off sick is he entitled to the day in bed? It is not as though I didn't have the option myself if I had offloaded DS to childminder.

OP posts:

Katenka · 29/02/2016 19:49

TBH I was surprised DH took the day off as he is normally one to tough it out as well.

In that case you weren't as ill as each other. If you both normally tough it out and he couldn't. Then Yabu.

You had another option, you didn't take it.

No idea why you are dropping in that he wanted a shag. Seems you are determined that you are definitely ill-er than him and determined to convince us of that too.

It's not a competition. You made the decision

BathtimeFunkster · 29/02/2016 19:57

But no-one had to. There was an option to use the childminder.

Unless their childminder is Mary Poppins and would show up at their house without needing to be told, before the child even woke up, and spirit him away for the day to have adventures on the rooftops of London...

Then yes, somebody had to
1 get up with the toddler, dress him, feed him
2 contact the childminder and make sure she was available to take him on a day he would normally be off
3 bring the child to the childminder

Why does all of that work automatically fall to his mother when they are both equally sick?

If I was feeling like shite, getting my kid to the CM might well feel like too much for me.

Particularly if there was another adult upstairs who had sufficient energy for sex and I presumed cared enough not to leave us alone all day while he jerked off and watched telly.

Hamsterpotty · 29/02/2016 20:00

Not everything is a feminist issue. I'm sure everyone would agree that if the child had gone to the childminder, it would have been reasonable for them to share pick ups/drop offs and any care after he returned.

If there had been no alternative childcare available, DH would have been very unreasonable for not pulling his weight. But there was. OP decided she was well enough to look after DS, so she kept him at home. It's unfair to then expect him to 'tough it out'.

Original poster

Plateofcrumbs · 29/02/2016 20:01

Actually I think what annoyed me (despite fact that with hindsight using CM would have been better and therefore AIBU) is that despite the fact he knew I was similarly unwell and would have been able to hear the commotion with DS that he never bothered to check I was OK, just stayed in bed.

OP posts:

Vintage45 · 29/02/2016 20:02

No OP that's not fair. So he got to spend all day in bed whilst you looked after DS? Not on at all. Care should have been shared of course.

Hamsterpotty · 29/02/2016 20:03

If the DH had refused to help with this, he would have been unreasonable. But he didn't, so he's not.

Vintage45 · 29/02/2016 20:04

Who cares who made the decision. He should have helped.

Katenka · 29/02/2016 20:08

If me and dh were ill and we had a childcare option and he decided we weren't using it. I would leave him to it too.

If I am ill enough to take the day off work, I am ill enough to stay in bed.

I would have course shared the job of getting him ready and taking him.

BathtimeFunkster · 29/02/2016 20:15

It's weird how little kindness is expected from men.

If you would really ignore your sick spouse all day while they looked after your toddler on their own, then you are really a bit of a shit.

Her making the wrong call about the childminder doesn't make it OK to act as though he was alone in the house.

Who treats their spouse that shabbily?

I'm not even surprised at the "oh, the poor brave man staying home, fuck you you martyr bitch, why would you expect human decency, you don't deserve it."

So depressing.

Woman - know your place.

Kindness is something you must give but never receive.

MoggieMaeEverso · 29/02/2016 20:19

"OK we have to make a decision DH... We're both unwell and need the day off, do you reckon we should get CM to take DC or should we save the money, tough it out together and take childcare in turns?"

Katenka · 29/02/2016 20:21

If you would really ignore your sick spouse all day while they looked after your toddler on their own, then you are really a bit of a shit.

If dh makes a decision that makes life harder he needs to pick up the slack. The same as if it was me.

BathtimeFunkster · 29/02/2016 20:26

Yes, Moggie, you'd think.

But for some weird reason they both presumed that the decision making and all logistics were up to the OP.

bimandbam · 29/02/2016 20:27

Yanbu op.

In your situation I would have kept ds with me too. And expected dp to help out.

But I might be bias as dp has been ill for the last week. Not properly I'll just a cold or virus. Similar to the one I have also had. He didn't work so I expected some help with toddler DS and the housework and shit. He has done fuck all since Wednesday because he is ill.

I did ask for the number he had used to phone in sick for being a parent but he didn't give it me.

madein1995 · 29/02/2016 20:30

YABabitU. You should have sent dc to childminder. It was your decision to keep him at home, you can't blame DH for that. If you felt rough, you had the option of having a day in bed like DH, you could have rang cm.

Hamsterpotty · 29/02/2016 20:41

But for some weird reason they both presumed that the decision making and all logistics were up to the OP.

It's not really that unreasonable to assume that the person who is usually responsible for sorting childcare will sort childcare. If she was too sick, she could have asked him to help and the work could have been shared.

If he had refused, he would be unreasonable.

karmakameleon · 29/02/2016 20:47

I would guess that if this isn't a day that DS would usually go to the CM, then normally the OP would look after him. In that case it's not unreasonable that the DH would expect his DW to do the equivalent of calling in sick (ie call the CM to see if she had a place) just like he had to that morning. Maybe as she didn't "call in sick" he just thought she wan't that bad and didn't need any help. Not totally unreasonable.

On the other hand, if he could hear you were struggling downstairs it is a bit thoughtless not to come down and offer help at all.

Swirlingasong · 29/02/2016 21:04

Op, some people are giving you a very tough time. Maybe you should have gone for the childminder option, I don't know, but, you know, we all make mistakes, overestimate what we can do, has no one else ever gone to work and part way through the day thought, 'I really should have stayed at home'?

If dh or I make mistakes, we help each other out because we love each other, because marriage is like that. Especially if OUR child is involved. If he knew you felt ill, of course he should have helped.

Hope you feel better soon.

JapaneseSlipper · 29/02/2016 21:05

You know, BathtimeFunkster, I agree with you.

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