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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should poorly DH have been pulling his weight today?

68 replies

Plateofcrumbs · 29/02/2016 18:16

DH and I both have a virus and feeling ill. DH took the day off work as he didn't feel well enough to go in.

I work part-time and was at home today with DS. I could have sent him to childminder but decided to tough it out despite feeling very rough.

DH has been in bed all day sleeping and watching Netflix. I don't think he is any more unwell than me.

I thought with DH at home I might get a bit of respite today but have had a full-on slog with a tantrumming toddler.

AIBU to have expected DH to do a bit of parenting today or as he is off sick is he entitled to the day in bed? It is not as though I didn't have the option myself if I had offloaded DS to childminder.

OP posts:

Topseyt · 29/02/2016 18:34

I would have taken toddler to childminder and then returned home for a few hours kip. That way you would both have had some respite.

It might have been reasonable to ask DH to collect toddler later in the day if you had done the morning drop off, but only the two of you could have worked that one out.

BathtimeFunkster · 29/02/2016 18:37

Did you miss the word equally?

They are equally sick.

Pneumonia is not equal to a bit of a cold.

I see properly sick women left in sole charge of children all the time.

It's one of the ways women get casually shafted by men.

"Oh no, I rang into work and you didn't, so I don't have to lift a finger while you carry on as usual."

motherinferior · 29/02/2016 18:38

Yes but on this occasion they had another option. One they could have taken up.

AnUtterIdiot · 29/02/2016 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 29/02/2016 18:40

If he normally toughs it out, he must feel exceptionally rough.

Maybe he could help with toddlers bedtime routine.

CooPie10 · 29/02/2016 18:42

Well you decided to behave like a martyr so Yabu. You had another option but as you chose not to.

Viviennemary · 29/02/2016 18:43

I think you should have sent your DS to the childminder. If I'd been ill I would have sent him to the childminder. If it was your choice to keep him off then I think you should have looked after him. If you both decided he should not go to CM then you should have shared the care between you.

BathtimeFunkster · 29/02/2016 18:43

But why was it up to the OP to get the child up and make the decision about the CM and bring him there if both parents were equally sick?

She was just expected to get on with things all day while he watched Netflix?!

Come the fuck on.

That's really a shite way to treat someone you love, even if you do think they made the wrong call about last-minute CM.

What was his opinion on sending the child?

Or did he just presume it was nothing to do with him?

MardyGrave · 29/02/2016 18:44

You wanted to be a martyr about it, then it's on your shoulders.

It sounds as if your husband genuinely was feeling more unwell than you.

BathtimeFunkster · 29/02/2016 18:46

Man - bravely "toughs it out"

Woman - is martyr and deserves abuse

Original poster

Plateofcrumbs · 29/02/2016 18:49

At risk of a TMI drip-feed DH was pestering for a shag this morning (I rebuffed as I felt like shit!) which factored into my judgement that he wasn't that poorly.

OP posts:

Hulababy · 29/02/2016 18:51

Did the Dh even get asked about the childminder use?

Muskateersmummy · 29/02/2016 18:52

For me this depends on how the decision to keep DS off from the cm was reached. If you agreed together to "tough it out" then he should have helped.

But if you decided on your own that you could manage then you are being a bit unreasonable.

He is someone who normally gets on with it, and today he spent the day in bed. With my dh, he never takes a sick day, so if he did I would accept he was particularly unwell, and let him rest.

Thesmallthings · 29/02/2016 18:54

I would assume you'd have had to pay your child minder if they went or not as Youv paid ed for he's place. So you should have sent him then came home for a nap n rest.

But it's done so let him put toddler to bed now and in the nicest way get over it. Your both ill why not be kind to each other instead of bickering who's more ill.

BathtimeFunkster · 29/02/2016 18:54

Would you accept that he was "particularly unwell" if he had been pestering you for sex you felt too sick for?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 29/02/2016 18:55

I hate drip feeding. Did he go for a 10 mile jog as well OP?

I still think YABU.

BathtimeFunkster · 29/02/2016 18:56

I would assume you'd have had to pay your child minder if they went or not as Youv paid ed for he's place.

No, this would have been an extra day at the CM, who isn't well herself.

One way or another a woman was going to be looking after this man's child while he watched TV and tried to get his end away.

Hamsterpotty · 29/02/2016 19:02

Even if they are equally unwell, OP made the decision to keep DS at home. It's unfair of her to then expect DH to 'tough it out'.

Had the OP asked the DH to do a drop off or a pick up from the CM and he refused, he would have been unreasonable, but she didn't.

I really don't think it's a feminist issue Bathtime. The gender of the paid child minder is not actually relevant is it?

DrDreReturns · 29/02/2016 19:14

He probably just had man flu and needed to man up

Original poster

Plateofcrumbs · 29/02/2016 19:18

I accept I am being largely unreasonable - I'm feeling short-tempered after an afternoon of DS being unusually awful (probably means he's coming down with the bug too doesn't it!). So you've probably saved DH from feeling the full force of my pent-up grumpiness!

OP posts:

steff13 · 29/02/2016 19:27

No, this would have been an extra day at the CM, who isn't well herself.

If the childcare provider is providing childcare today, then she must have decided she's well enough to be working.

I don't really think it's possible to say two people are equally sick; we all deal with things differently. The OP said that her husband typically doesn't take off work, so perhaps he is indeed not feeling well enough to need to rest today.

The child should have gone to the childcare provider, and the OP and her husband both should have rested all day.

BathtimeFunkster · 29/02/2016 19:41

I really don't think it's a feminist issue Bathtime.

Of course it is.

Two parents equally sick.

Only the female parent has to decide whether or not to arrange for her child to go to childcare.

In an equal relationship they would have made that decision together and it wouldn't have been presumed that she was going to arrange it and bring him there.

This is a man who was well enough to be up for sex this morning. He's not at death's door.

Why did he presume that if he rang I go work sick he could just pretend he had no children and leave that to his wife?

He just didn't get up.

She had to.

They are equally unwell. In fact he was well enough for sex and she wasn't.

So why is it up to her to figure out what is happening with the kid and bring him there?

browneyedgirl1974 · 29/02/2016 19:42

Yanbu op. It is always the same. Sah in particular are always told that they have to just get on with it when ill as they can't possibly trouble their woh partner. After all they can have a quiet day at home. Ha hs.
Yet someone who wotks out of home must be proper sick so can rest all day.

Hulababy · 29/02/2016 19:45

She had to.

But no-one had to. There was an option to use the childminder.
In a similar situation, both me and Dh would have chosen to use a childminder.

Abed · 29/02/2016 19:46

You should have used the childminder.

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