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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it cheeky to expect mil to plate a dinner up but just not bother going round for dinner instead?

73 replies

Sunshine87 · 29/02/2016 09:26

Went round my DM for sunday dinner (was looking forward to a homecooked meal with being heavily pregnant) My DB was there on his own also for dinner. His DP was at home with the dog but expects a full meal to be plated up for everytime. My DM is very welcoming picks DB up and takes him home afterwards as they don't drive. His DP is invited but chooses to remain with the dog.

Abiu to think its really bad manners when invited round for dinner not go but expect a meal to be plated up and taken round. This isn't a one off occassion and happens regularly. If me and DH are invited for family meals we go together.

OP posts:

Loqo · 29/02/2016 10:55

Agh that was garbled ...sorry. Typing way to fast on a teeny screen

Helenluvsrob · 29/02/2016 11:03

Assuming your mum is happy to do this, I think it's acase of " not your circus, not your monkeys"

irlouise13 · 29/02/2016 11:03

well I'm sure that when you have your child and your DB's partner has various opinions on how you parent the child, you will be top of the q to tell her to keep her opinions to herself :-). Your opinion should only extend to not wanting to live your life that way, not being judgmental on someone else choosing to. Lots of people love their pets like babies and as someone else said, mayb she has fertility problems and the dogs are substitute babies, whatever her reasons are, she's entitled to them and she's not impacting on your life in any way.

So, your DB's partner's side of this story could go something like this
'My partner goes to his DM for dinner. I'm invited, but I prefer not to go. His DM always sends food back for me which I don't expect but am grateful for. Now my DP's sister has started a mumsnet thread about me making it seem like I'm demanding food and also judging me for how I choose to live my life.'

sheffieldsteeler · 29/02/2016 11:10

We have dogs - I don't like leaving them for more than four hours, partly because they need to go to the loo like any living creature and I'd prefer it not to be on my kitchen floor, and also because they need company. If a social arrangement is going to take longer than this, then I need to drop them at the dog sitter or get someone to come in to let the dogs out. Or one of us whoever least wants to go to the social arrangement decides to stay in with them.

I freely admit that I've used 'the dogs' as an excuse to bail out of one or two things, in the same way I've used 'sorry we can't get a babysitter' in the past...

drinkingtea · 29/02/2016 11:16

The dinner thing is a bit of a red herring, or perhaps the tip of an iceburg irlouise13 - the parents are lending money to the DB and his partner in order for the partner to be able to be a stay at home dog owner.

It is of course not the OP's "business" strictly speaking, and no good will come of her saying or doing anything about it... However these weird unbalanced situations where older parents seem to be being taken advantage of by one of their adult children (and the partner of that adult child) are hard to be part of. Tongue biting becomes part of every contact...

Sometimes you need to vent a bit about it to uninvolved people, because saying anything to anyone embroiled in the situation is taboo, and it can be hard sometimes to put into words quite what it is that is making you uncomfortable about the situation when it is your own family (hence focussing on the plate of food rather than on being asked to lend money to support the DB's partner staying at home with the dogs instead of getting a job)...

Original poster

Sunshine87 · 29/02/2016 11:25

You hit the nail on the head drinkingtea its a case of venting but i do feel at times my parents are taken advantage of given their health issues they aren't going to around forever. DB is bad for money still owes me for a present we got our niece.

OP posts:

irlouise13 · 29/02/2016 11:25

yes I just wonder how the information on not getting a job because I need to take care of the dogs came to light.

I have a sibling who used to have an addiction and was very much enabled by my mother, my mother used to pay her rent, buy her shopping, drive her around, it was ridiculous and she used to complain to me all the time about how tired she was from doing this stuff, but actually, I came to realise (and my now clean sister confirmed) that it was all my mother's doing and my mother used to lie to me about being asked to do it. So basically, I'm wondering whether the mother in this situation is being the overly supportive parent and the brother and his girlfriend are unwilling victims of this and are now being slagged off for no good reason.

irlouise13 · 29/02/2016 11:27

or, as you say, sunshine, perhaps your brother is taking advantage of your parents, but it may have nothing to do with his gf and she's getting the brunt of it.

Original poster

Sunshine87 · 29/02/2016 11:32

She has never worked since they been together. The excuse was she hurt her ankle but runs and now needs to look after the dogs

Believe me my DM doesn't offer, DB askes to borrow money. They certainly offer to pay for things but he does ask all the time and it does annoy them. Especially when she is redecorating all the time.

OP posts:

gotthemoononastick · 29/02/2016 11:34

Honestly OP,if the dogs are' bouncy',your Mum probably thinks that the plate of food and doggie plates are an absolute' bargain'.

I would do this in a heartbeat in this situation...gets shot of leftovers as well as the feel good factor of' feeding the masses'.

MissingPanda · 29/02/2016 11:34

Are the dogs rescue dogs?

Original poster

Sunshine87 · 29/02/2016 11:35

Surely if you know your DP has had his hours reduced at work and you could help by getting a job then you would not asking to borrow money? My DH was made reduant therefore i increased my working hours and got an extra job to run the house hold.

OP posts:

tobysmum77 · 29/02/2016 11:36

I do wonder what the reaction would be to a bloke who 'couldn't work because he had to look after his dogs'. If she's invited I think it's really rude to never go. So I think yanbu op.

Original poster

Sunshine87 · 29/02/2016 11:36

No they were bought from being puppies. The second one bought by her DF.

OP posts:

MissingPanda · 29/02/2016 11:39

Although I disagree that she is obliged to go to your DM's because she has cooked a meal - perfectly acceptable not to go, not acceptable not to go but to openly expect a meal sent to you every time.

Oh and this. Assuming of course that your sil is expecting it.

WonderingAspie · 29/02/2016 11:40

I know someone who has hardly ever worked. Every time her latest excuse ends, another one comes along. Sounds like she got the dogs as an excuse on purpose.

You need to tell, your mum that if she doesn't like it, she can say "sorry, the takeaways are stopping now, she is more than welcome to come for dinner but I won't be delivering it anymore" your SIL is a cheeky mare who is trying it on because no one is turning around and saying "no, we aren't doing that".

drinkingtea · 29/02/2016 11:40

irlouise13 you may be right - that is why I think the "enmeshed" label can sometime be enlightening - actually the parents appear to be being taken advantage of but actually get something out of the relationship too, in a strange to the outside onlooker way (whether it is that they need to feel needed or need to feel they are compensating for not dealing better with some crisis in the past or feel they are heroically averting a real or imaginary potential crisis or whatever), and it can be harmful to the adult child, who remains or becomes increasingly dependant.

Its really impossible to know what is going on in the OP's specific case, but it is pretty clear it is about more than a few plates of food. It is also something that comes up quite often on MN and that there is writing about elsewhere, the enmeshed relationships that can develop between an adult child and a parent ... they are not healthy and are uncomfortable to witness, but I don't think they are easily tackled, and certainly not if the main protagonists aren't the ones initiating change.

onehellofaride · 29/02/2016 11:43

It is cheeky if she has requested it. My MIL occasionally brings plates of food round for us if she has cooked a meal and made too much. There are 5 of us and she brings 5 plates complete with gravy in the car . I know better than to question it and we are of course very grateful. We have never asked for it however!

diddl · 29/02/2016 11:45

If it's expected then that's not on imo.

If it's something that your mum does & it's OK with it, then that's OK.

Op, you say that your mum moans, but still does things.

So does she really want help to stop being som involved do you think?

expatinscotland · 29/02/2016 11:46

It's cheeky, but she enables it instead of saying no.

RedOnHerHedd · 29/02/2016 11:47

My DMIL is amazing fair play. She does a Sunday dinner every week and we always go there, but I've been suffering with my mental health for a couple of months and if I'm not up to it she always plates a dinner up for me, but I'm always very grateful for it and we're really close.

MissingPanda · 29/02/2016 11:48

Ah, right. I was just wondering because some rescue dogs have issues that mean they can't be left alone, certainly not to start with and it can take a long time to get to a point where they can be.

MissingPanda · 29/02/2016 11:48

Ah, right. I was just wondering because some rescue dogs have issues that mean they can't be left alone, certainly not to start with and it can take a long time to get to a point where they can be.

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