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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it cheeky to expect mil to plate a dinner up but just not bother going round for dinner instead?

73 replies

Sunshine87 · 29/02/2016 09:26

Went round my DM for sunday dinner (was looking forward to a homecooked meal with being heavily pregnant) My DB was there on his own also for dinner. His DP was at home with the dog but expects a full meal to be plated up for everytime. My DM is very welcoming picks DB up and takes him home afterwards as they don't drive. His DP is invited but chooses to remain with the dog.

Abiu to think its really bad manners when invited round for dinner not go but expect a meal to be plated up and taken round. This isn't a one off occassion and happens regularly. If me and DH are invited for family meals we go together.

OP posts:
drinkingtea · 29/02/2016 10:22

Is this actually about the dinners, or about her not engaging with your family and using her dogs as an excuse? Starting to sound as if it might be the later...

ScarletForYa · 29/02/2016 10:22

She says she can't work as shes got to look after the dogs

Ugh, she sounds like a right parasite.

diddl · 29/02/2016 10:23

I don't get how it's for your brother's sake though?

Would he have to cook for SIL when he got home?

Would she have an almighty tantrum?

He should be telling her not to fucking well expect it if she can't get her arse out of the door & into a waiting car!

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/02/2016 10:24

I'm with VagueIdeas. "If she isn't good enough to spend time with, she isn't good enough to provide takeaway services." Your SIL is one cheeky bitch.

Original poster
Sunshine87 · 29/02/2016 10:26

Fairly regular basis. DB has asked my DM and i think it almost became a habit of expecting an extra plate . I think DB wishes she make more of an effort. She goes round her own DF for dinner. When i asked DB where his DP he seemed sheepish and said she was full of cold. I would go mad if my DH just made zero effort with my DM and DF even if the footies on he still comes for dinner.

OP posts:
MattDillonsPants · 29/02/2016 10:26

Morris, plate up is just a way of saying "put food on a plate" it's usually used in restaurants but I have heard people say it at home for some reason

I think that if SIL is checking with MIL that her dinner will be provided then that is rude but if this has just become the norm then it's not. Your Mum has got into a habit which she now might not like but I suppose it's too late.

Only1scoop · 29/02/2016 10:27

Are you all incapable of cooking for yourselves?

irlouise13 · 29/02/2016 10:28

She doesn't have to 'make an effort' if she doesn't want to. Maybe she likes the peace and quiet of being on her own in the house, maybe she loves her dogs the way people love their children and doesn't want to leave them, maybe she just doesn't like any of you. That's all fine. And maybe your mother has just gotten into the habit of sending food to her, which she obviously isn't going to send back/refuse because that would be rude but you haven't given any indication that this woman is actually demanding that your mother feed her...

Fizrim · 29/02/2016 10:30

Time to start going out for meals to a restaurant, where they can't plate another one up unless your DB pays for it (and certainly not for the dogs, that is beyond rude).

FeelingFine89 · 29/02/2016 10:30

If she isn't good enough to spend time with, she isn't good enough to provide takeaway services.

This basically. ^^

Original poster
Sunshine87 · 29/02/2016 10:31

Drinkingtea

I think its a mixture of things really, they are quite soft on DB due to his past so i think sometimes they make allowances they normally wouldn't.

If my DH couldn't be bothered to work though my DM would be very vocal on that matter.

OP posts:
MLGs · 29/02/2016 10:32

It's cheeky of her/your DB to expect it. It's a nice thing to do if you Mum has offered.

My friend once did this for me when I was ill - I had been expected for lunch but I was too ill to go. H and kids went instead without me. They came home with a tupperware container of the meal for me, which friend had sent. I was very grateful to him! (friend not H, who only carried it, not cooked it Grin ).

RosyCat · 29/02/2016 10:32

She's not depressed or anxious or something is she? Sounds a bit like that.

Original poster
Sunshine87 · 29/02/2016 10:34

Onlyscoop

I cook regularly i rarely go round for dinner. I'm heavily pregnant and was invited so it was a nice treat for me something i really appeciated being the main cook in my house.

OP posts:
drinkingtea · 29/02/2016 10:35

It is all very odd - I was thinking that too Only1scoop - why are all these married/ partnered adults being fed by their parents multiple times a week?

Why are people obliged to spend large amounts of time eating meals at their in-laws or boyfriend or partner's parent's houses?

Its another world...

Not working so you can look after your dogs and borrowing money to live on explicitly so you can fund your dog centred life is absolutely unacceptable though.

Original poster
Sunshine87 · 29/02/2016 10:36

Irlouise13 you shouldn't not be able to leave your house because of your dogs or have to take them with you who lives like that?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshine87 · 29/02/2016 10:38

Drinkingtea read above i explained i rarely go for dinner i've hosted my inlaws and my DM and DF

OP posts:
SevenOfNineTrue · 29/02/2016 10:39

If she is at home with the dogs, why can't she cook for herself?

irlouise13 · 29/02/2016 10:41

its not really any of your business how she lives her life though is it?

And you still haven't said that this woman has actually ever asked for food to be sent to her, or to her dogs.

drinkingtea · 29/02/2016 10:41

Ah now your post of 10:31 puts a different spin on it - are your parents rather over involved in the life of your DB and his partner due to believing him to be vulnerable due to something that happened in his past? Are they supporting him financially and emotionally far more than is normal for an independent adult child, and has his partner become part of this?

This is a pattern I recognise - I actually did some reading on enmeshed adult children because of a sibling of mine - high levels of financial and daily support from parent to no longer even young adult child who is neither physically or mentally ill at the moment but has had something happen long in the past which parents feel guilty about or fear will happen again even if it is unlikely, mentioning or questioning this being taboo, a family mythology that that child is vulnerable or fragile and must be protected from the harsh realities of life - and where they have a partner it can extend to supporting and cosseting the partner because protecting the marriage/ relationship is part of protecting the fragile adult child...

thebiscuitindustry · 29/02/2016 10:50

I wondered that too RosyCat. It could be a problem that limits her social activity that she doesn't want to disclose. She probably feels the judgement coming her way too.

Superwitchy · 29/02/2016 10:51

Might the SIL have fertility problems and so avoids the family, GC, etc whilst staying with the babies dogs? And no one has explained that to the family? I just knew a couple with a similar set of circumstances. They never went to family gatherings and the wife seemed to need nurturing without anyone ever knowing why. They conceived and it all changed pretty much overnight.

Original poster
Sunshine87 · 29/02/2016 10:52

I would say so drinkingtea i think you most likely hit the nail on the head there. I think its always in the back of their minds

Irlouise i can have an opinion on it and think its not right. Yes they have requested this.

OP posts:
Minisoksmakehardwork · 29/02/2016 10:52

From what you've said it sounds like your mum needs, and perhaps wants, to break the habit which had developed. But I agree with a pp that she may also see it that your brother is vulnerable even as an adult so this is a way of mothering him too.

The easiest way to break the habit would be for you to invite everyone to yours or to go out for dinner, so if sil wants food bringing back, db has to organise a takeaway for her. Of course If you're catering, you don't have to send a plate back for her as those leftovers are going in the freezer to make an easy meal when the new baby arrives Wink

Loqo · 29/02/2016 10:53

Does you DB eat his food at his Mums before taking the plates up food home? If so then surely that's the main thing and it's probably an even better than if his DP came along. He gets time on his own with his family.

BTW We use the term plate up - I'm not sure where it came from though.

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