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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed with family

62 replies

Littlehooty · 29/02/2016 08:44

I'm a first time poster so please be kind!
My 29 year old brother is moving out of the country. He has been living 4 hours away from home since he was 17.
But now my mum keeps banging on about my brother and he amazing he is to have landed his dream job, how she can't wait to go and visit him, how she's so emotional that her first born is leaving - her quote from FB status

Then she keeps saying I bet you can't wait to visit him. Told her to get stuffed.

FWIW I feel like she is acting like this for her PFB. Whereas I dropped out of school, repeatedly drunk underage, thousands of boyfriends, pregnant at 19. My brother did the opposite of that, got a uni degree and seems happy
Also felt unwanted when she told me she stopped smoking when she was pregnant with my brother but smoked throughout when pregnant with me
AIBU?

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 29/02/2016 15:02

You sound so very down op, I really feel for you. Flowers

Littlehooty · 29/02/2016 15:34

I barely feel down anymore alisvolat, kinda just go through monents of crying and self pitying then dust myself off and get up again.
Doesn't help that my baby has cried non stop today. Wish I could cut all ties and just fuck of out of here
That's not exactly a perfect mother is it?

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 29/02/2016 15:39

I think every mum has felt like that at one point or another. I know I have. It's important to recognise that it's normal and doesn't reflect on you as a mum.

It's okay not to think your child is all sunshine and rainbows on days when quite frankly, they have done your head in from start to finish!

If you set yourself a five year plan, what would be in it? You're obviously at a low point now but I think setting goals (that are just about you and your little one, ignore your wider family) will help make you feel more confident and in control of your own life. I get that you feel lost but it doesn't have to be that way and even starting with small changes could help.

chaosagain · 29/02/2016 16:23

I write this as someone who has felt something pretty similar: you can't change the way she is and behaves but you can change how you react to it or what you look for from her. If talking to her might help, do that, but if not nod, smile and try to let it bounce off you. Don't let it poison your relationship with your brother either. You feel crap at the moment and having a young child is seriously hard work, especially without support but you're really not helping yourself at the moment. And you can make a choice about it.

My mum was open with me growing up that my brother (who was her pfb) was her favourite. I, apparently, ruined her figure and motherhood ruined her life. I was a difficult baby who became a difficult child, apparently. My brother could do no wrong. He was the one who was academically clever and worthwhile where I had to 'work hard', according to her. I was also the reason her marriage to my father broke down, apparently, because parenting me was so hard. (They split when I was 14 but would have done everyone a favour had it been many years earlier).

As a teen my brother stole money from my dad. My mum covered for him/took the blame. 2 days later, I was 10 mins late home for a curfew - my mum 'told my dad' on me. etc. I felt crap about myself a lot of the time.

Then I reached a point where I figured all of this was HER problem, not mine and that she was a rubbish parent because of this favouring thing. I looked around at my mates' mums and figured I'd just got a raw deal here and I didn't have to let it define me. I also had a bit of compassion for how crap her life must be but realised it was her choice. I also recognised that in some ways it put a pressure on my brother I didn't have to contend with. I also decided 'fuck you, I'll show you what I'm capable of.' I've struggled to maintain that sometimes, but it's helped a lot.

When I called to tell her I had a first in my uni degree she said 'of course you do, you probably had to work really hard and did that to spite your brother and his 2:1".

When my brother died (in his twenties) my mum (while drunk) told me that if she could have chosen which child died, it wouldn't have been him. A couple of years later when I told her I was expecting her first grandchild she told me I was ruining and wasting my education and didn't I learn anything from her about how being a mother ruins your life.

When my father was later prosecuted for historical sexual abuse and I had a conversation with my mum about it, I realised that my mum probably knew my brother was being abused and failed to protect him. Her favouring him was poor compensation for that.

I stopped looking for any approval or pride. I've also had 2 lots of sustained counselling, which helped although it felt like it only really helped with the second lot. If you can access it, I'd recommend it. It helped me recognise that I was a people-pleaser often desperate to gain others' approval and worth while expecting little in return. It also taught me I was a control freak and struggle to rely/lean on other people. Those things are probably still there, but being aware of them and working at them hopefully knocks the edges off!

But really, this is up to you - you can chose to feel miserable about it or have pride in yourself. I'm not saying it will be easy but it is a choice and something you'll need to work at. I'm now low contact with my mother and I live 100 miles away from her.

I sincerely hope that my children know they are a precious blessing in my life and that being their mum is the toughest but most important and most rewarding job I'll ever have. It's also a privilege. I burst with pride in their achievements and I hope I'll always show them that too. I hope I show my love for them every day, I certainly try to.

You're in charge of your life story and it's up to you what you do with it. Good luck.

Shelby2010 · 29/02/2016 16:41

Does your mum actually have a relationship with your brother in real life? How often do they actually see each other? If he moved 4 hours away 12 years ago, my guess is that she barely knows him. Is the over the top Facebook crap because she's overcompensating for the fact they have so little relationship - he doesn't send Mothers Day flowers and now he's moving even further away?

Either way, it sounds like you're stuck in a rut and your mum isn't being much help. Perhaps you could start by talking to your health visitor, they would be able to point you in the direction of groups aimed at younger mothers and other support networks. Flowers

xenapants · 29/02/2016 16:47

You sound like a spoiled child and frankly your life choices so far reflect that.

Littlehooty · 29/02/2016 16:54

Mum sees my brother about 3 times a year, when he bothers to come see her
He hasn't sent her anything for mothers day for the last four years as he is skint after paying uni fees.
I'm spoilt for wanting my mother to see that although I had a child young he's a beautiful little boy? Uh huh ok then.
The health visitor has already suggested that I have depression. But I've never got the confidence to be able to go and my baby hates being in his pram for too long (yes excuses I know)

OP posts:
Littlehooty · 29/02/2016 16:56

Chaosagain that was helpful to read. I know I'm the only one who can change things around but it's so hard when you can't see a way out.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/02/2016 17:09

Little - if your HV has suggested you have depression (and your lack of "feelings" is a potential symptom) then have you been to the GP about it?

You seem to need a plan, a way to help yourself. This isn't surprising if you've been low on the list of your mother's priorities, so we can help you with that. Just be open to taking the little steps that will lead to bigger ones, which hopefully will lead to a better life for you.

First of all, see your GP and tell them this stuff. Get on the list for NHS counselling while it's still available, it might take weeks or even months, but get on the list, and when the opportunity to do it arises, take it.
The GP will almost certainly prescribe you some anti-depressants - make sure you take them. Look at it like a plaster cast - if you broke your leg, you'd wear one until your leg was mended, wouldn't you? So your emotions are a bit broken now - ADs are their "plaster cast". Only thing is, it can take a lot longer than 6 weeks to "mend" them.

Once you have the ADs, it may start to allow you to see things a bit more positively, which will help you to find a way forwards, a way to improve your situation. I would advise you keep quiet about taking them to your mum though as she may just use it as another excuse to belittle you.

Above all, understand that you CAN do better than this, with the right help - and that help is NOT going to come from your mum. Thanks

chaosagain · 29/02/2016 18:38

One small step at a time, Little. Getting help with depression sounds like a good first priority.
Even just making a choice to change things for yourself might be an important first step, then formulate a plan after that. Where do you want to be in a couple of years?
And find something each day to be proud of yourself for and scale it to what you find hard, so it might be getting dressed and leaving the house on really crap days...

Shelby2010 · 29/02/2016 22:08

So from what you say, your brother isn't close to your mother and the reason he left home at 17 wasn't for higher education (I'm calculating he went to Uni aged 24/25). Reading between the lines it suggests she wasn't a great mother to him either, so let the jealousy go & instead use him as an inspiration that you too can come good.

As previous posters have said, you need to see your GP as a first step. I would suggest contacting your health visitor again too as (in our area) they can give you the referrals to the Sure Start groups that will help you.

How old is your baby now? Do you find it difficult to get out of the house? Sometimes you just have to grow a slightly thicker skin & accept that all children are difficult at times. My Dd2 (2yrs) always seems to be the most disruptive child at whatever group I take her too, not really naughty, but loud & unco-operative. When it's your first child it's harder because you feel every one is judging you every time your baby cries, but in reality I've found most other Mum's to be sympathetic & just glad it's not them this time!

As Chaos says, one step at a time. Make an appointment with you GP. It will get better, small babies/toddlers are hard work but you are a good mum and you can do this. Flowers

rogueantimatter · 01/03/2016 10:19

Yes. It will definitely get better. Babies are incredibly hard-going. I felt like I barely managed with my first baby even though I was married and 29!

It's absolutely scandalous that so many mums have hardly any support - this never happened in our grannie's time.

You're doing really well to get by at all at your age in your circumstances. Please be kind to yourself. Talk to yourself kindly - you deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else.

Try not to waste your energy on feeling upset about your mum's inadequacies and your difficult circumstances. Keep focussed on taking small steps - as other posters have said- to make yourself feel better.

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