Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To be annoyed with family

62 replies

Littlehooty · 29/02/2016 08:44

I'm a first time poster so please be kind!
My 29 year old brother is moving out of the country. He has been living 4 hours away from home since he was 17.
But now my mum keeps banging on about my brother and he amazing he is to have landed his dream job, how she can't wait to go and visit him, how she's so emotional that her first born is leaving - her quote from FB status

Then she keeps saying I bet you can't wait to visit him. Told her to get stuffed.

FWIW I feel like she is acting like this for her PFB. Whereas I dropped out of school, repeatedly drunk underage, thousands of boyfriends, pregnant at 19. My brother did the opposite of that, got a uni degree and seems happy
Also felt unwanted when she told me she stopped smoking when she was pregnant with my brother but smoked throughout when pregnant with me
AIBU?

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 29/02/2016 09:08

Right - you are still really young. You could still whatever you liked with your life.

Things can change so quickly, honestly I'm 27, so much has changed since I was 22 and that's a relatively short time in the great scheme of things.

What would you like do to do?

theycallmemellojello · 29/02/2016 09:08

X-post - 22? I was thinking that you were late 20s. Dear, you're still so young. And your DC is still v v little!! Give yourself a break. But still, it's worth thinking about goals, to give yourself something to work towards.

CooPie10 · 29/02/2016 09:09

It's not too late to turn things around and achieve whatever you want. Don't compare yourself to your brother, create your own success. You can do it.

FattyNinjaOwl · 29/02/2016 09:09

My mum knows I could have done so much more with my life.
I'm 24, 3 DC. I was pregnant at 16, had DS1 at 17.
She's still proud of me. Yeah she wishes I had got a career first, and settled down properly, but she's still proud of me.
She's proud of how I've raised my children, how I went back to college and got qualifications, how I don't let my past dictate my future.
Yeah I didn't go to school, yeah I had a child when I was still just a child myself, but that doesn't stop me from being me. I can still do what I want.

Sunshine87 · 29/02/2016 09:10

Your dm didn't make you choose you're poor choices you did.i think you need to own up to that. She didn't force you to drink or have lots of boyfriends. Only you can take charge of your life as pp stated you can go to college gain some qualications.

Katenka · 29/02/2016 09:10

Give yourself and your brother a break.

She is proud and excited for him. Nothing wrong with that.

If you aren't happy in your life, you have lots of time to change it.

Original poster

Littlehooty · 29/02/2016 09:10

The only thing I'm good at is running into mountains of debt
I have no desire to do anything, I would only fail at it anyway

OP posts:

Katenka · 29/02/2016 09:12

So why does it bother you so much that your brother does have that desire?

Sunshine87 · 29/02/2016 09:15

With an attitude like that your going to fail your not going to achieve anything. People can't do it for you. I you want something you got to work hard to achieve it. Many people change careers attend university with children in tow.

Alisvolatpropiis · 29/02/2016 09:15

i'm sure that isn't the case.

Have you considered doing an online course, perhaps something tech based which would allow you to work freelance?

TychosNose · 29/02/2016 09:18

I feel for you op.

My older brother is dm's favourite. I could be prime minister and she wouldn't be impressed.whereas golden boy can do no wrong.

It's not you, it's her. It's not a reflection on you that she favours your brother. It's hard to really believe that, especially at your age. I'm 35 and at 22 I still wanted desperately for my mum to think I was as fab as she though my db was.

My advice would be to separate your relationship with your mum and your relationship with your brother. It's not his fault she treats him differently.

FeralBeryl · 29/02/2016 09:18

You will probably find that your mum is the same about you out of earshot! This is what parents do, I'm still the same now at 40 - it's only when other people tell me how proud my parents are/were of me, I would never have been given that info from them. But constantly reminded how great siblings are for wiping their own arses
Mum also smoked with only me too
Try not to speak to her in a reactionary way though or you'll just fit into the description that you think she has of you already.
You are very young, your child is your greatest achievement but there are plenty more out there for you.
Your first one needs to be to work on your self esteem.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/02/2016 09:21

OH dear, you do sound jealous, but it does sound as though your mother hasn't had much time for you, so it's kind of not surprising.

I'm sorry that you and your mother have this poor relationship - I would work on achieving stuff for myself now, and not worry about impressing her. Sounds as though she wouldn't be impressed anyway, so really no point in trying. Just live your life the best you can for yourself and your child, and don't worry about her or your brother's reaction to it.

SushiAndTheBanshees · 29/02/2016 09:23

You're so young! You still have plenty of time to go back into education or training for something you want to do. Don't write yourself off already! You just haven't found the right thing.

Instead of using your energy in resentment, or anger, or self-pity, use it to do something constructive. Think of something you'd like to do (doesn't need to require formal GCSEs or A Levels or a degree, could be something vocational), put your mind to it and do it. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, you need to do what you need to do. You're thinking very much like a child. Time to let go of all that and take charge of your life.

Original poster

Littlehooty · 29/02/2016 09:28

I guess i am jealous because he can do no wrong. He used to smoke weed in the house before he left but he always made sure my mum didn't find out about it. Whereas somehow she always found out abou stuff I did wrong
Perhaps I am thinking immaturely but it's hard to think properly when you literally can't feel anything.

OP posts:

StrictlyMumDancing · 29/02/2016 09:34

I know someone who reacts the same way as you have, but she is a lot older and the foot stamping is not endearing. You're 22, you have time to work on separating your brother from your relationship with your mother and plenty of time to make her proud of you.

You need to have an honest chat with your DM about how you feel. You will probably find she is proud of you. FWIW my mother has only just started telling me how proud she is of me recently without caring about my sisters reaction, she was always allowed to be proud of her but never me, she wasn't even allowed to publicly be happy I was having DC. My relationship with DM was strained for years because of this, it was only during an honest chat we've gotten to the point where DM says - no, I'm proud of both of you and I'll sing both of your achievements whatever they are whenever they happen.

Stanky · 29/02/2016 09:34

I hear you op. My older db sailed through school, and uni and is now a rocket scientist. There is also a large age gap, as I was a mistake, so by the time I was going through school, no one cared any more. But then I decided, rightly or wrongly, that one day we're all going to be dead any way, and that none of this really matters. I was going to stop trying to live up to other people's bloody standards. I'm proud and in awe of my brother, even though I barely register on his radar. I love my mum, even though she's hurt me, she was only muddling along doing her best like we all do. Parents fuck you up, even if they don't mean to. But you can start to see that you are good enough, and live only to impress yourself. Fuck what any body else might think of you. Be proud of your brother, but accept yourself as you are, and know that you are enough. You are the world to your dc.

Galena · 29/02/2016 09:35

I'm afraid my feeling is that you need to face up to some responsibility. It's nobody's fault but your own that you are where you're at. Many people move across the country during their schooling and don't give up. Many people have children young (many younger than 19) and don't give up.

You can't shift the blame onto the fact your mother smoked, the fact you moved house, the fact you got drunk lots, the fact you had lots of boyfriends... You chose to do that. This sentence is a complete copout: I have no desire to do anything, I would only fail at it anyway

You know that if you chose to apply yourself, chose something you were interested in, then you would succeed. Would you rather your child had a role model who can't be arsed to do anything or would you rather they saw a role model who perseveres to change their life?

Lj8893 · 29/02/2016 09:40

I think you need to try some counselling op, in order for you to gain some self esteem and direction so you can be a good role model for your child.

rogueantimatter · 29/02/2016 09:45

Sometimes the timing of things intensifies how you feel. So at a stage where your DC is still very dependent on you and you have no plans your DB appears to be the opposite. His success seems to make your life at the moment seem 'unsuccessful'.

I'm not surprised you're jealous. Some mums have favourites - my MIL certainly does and one of my GP's did. That must be very hard.

Perhaps your mum doesn't realise that you are not only another adult to tell her DS' successes to but still her daughter. She probably doesn't realise the effect she has on you.

You sound depressed. You can probably refer yourself to mental health drop in clinics or get advice from your GP.

There's so much more to being successful than having a great job. Take things one step at a time and I'm sure you'll achieve lots of things.

Pollyputhtekettleon · 29/02/2016 09:56

OP. Don't listen to the posts here that are dismissive and critical. What you wrote is jus a tiny snapshot of what you are upset about. Your mum may well be unfairly hard on you, or maybe it's ypu being unfairly hard on yourself and blaming her. Maybe a direct conversation with her will tell you which it is? Either way, much and all as it would mean a lot to have her pride and support, you don't need it. You have more important things to focus on and that's your future and your child's happiness. Give her (him?) the love and support you feel you don't have and also make a plan for yourself and your future. I am sure you are as valuable as any of us on this planet. No more and no less.

pictish · 29/02/2016 10:02

Good post Polly.

wotoodoo · 29/02/2016 10:04

First I would like to give you a big hug as you sound very down, depressed and hurt by your family (())

Next, you need to cut out toxic people from your life. This is quite hard to do but your mum does not seem to be supportive, kind or helpful to you and as I had a mother like that I can understand. The best thing for me is going no to low contact.

So I send her mother's day and birthday cards via my dc and that is IT. She hardly ever rings and if she does I put on a fake happy voice and give her no info about me or my life.

I have blocked her from FB because I hated reading about all the things she was doing with my eldest brother: think holidays every year etc etc whereas she has never wanted to babysit or take my dc out on a daytrip EVER.

Also blocked brother from FB.

I do get pangs of mourning that I never had the lovely sort of mother or brother relationship other people take for granted. But over the years I have really blossomed!

I really don't care too much about them and I am concentrating on being the BEST mummy I can possibly be for my own dc, have great friends and so have substituted them as uncle and aunties for my dc instead of my own brother (who has zero interest in them anyway despite being a godfather).

Since I made the decision to remove toxic people from my life I have been able to concentrate on doing what is best for me and my dc and so my life is so much happier and healthier as a result.

Good luck op, do not let others bring you down, you have choices in life, don't worry about past choices, the now and the future are what is important.

You can start a new day fresh, with a new positive attitude. You will feel so much better. Put the past blames aside and be kind to yourself and focus on being the lovely the mum you never had and the person you want to be x

PiperChapstick · 29/02/2016 13:16

You're entitled to feel second best but it's ridiculous that you think your mum shouldn't be proud of her son.

And I say this with the best will in the world - stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are 22, if you want to make things happen you have to put the effort in, no one is going to do it for you

Original poster

Littlehooty · 29/02/2016 13:32

I live quite close to my mum and she's really the only person I have so to cut contact with her is going to be very hard.
Especially with mothers day coming up, if I don't get her anything she throws a strop. But I must get something because 'your brother can't afford the postage so he doesn't get me anything but you can easily bring around a bag full of gifts'
I do feel very second best. I don't even know if I'm a good mother, I have nobody to guide me or tell me if I'm doing it right. I can't even remember the last time somebody asked how I was.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3