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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to be kept awake until 5am when I have to get up at 6.30?

32 replies

siouxsie85 · 29/02/2016 07:17

Not sure I'm massively overreacting because I've had less than 4 hours sleep or if my OH was out of order.

Bit of background - I have a professional exam to sit in less than 2 weeks and have been quite stressed about it, I've been having to use most of my free time to study and not been sleeping well for the past couple of months. OH also has a professional job but is off this week so had his friend to stay over for what I thought was only going to be Saturday night. OH and friend like loud metal music and play guitar together in a room in the house. During the day on Saturday I was studying but was interrupted regularly and had to keep moving around the house to get away from the noise eg - I was in the bedroom but had to move so that friend could use our ensuite shower, had to move from my study as guitar room is next door etc. I was annoyed but didn't say anything as it was only for one day, it's OH's house too and he doesn't get a lot of weekends off due to his job. On Saturday night they got quite drunk/made a lot of noise until about 2am, which is fair enough. Yesterday, OH announces that friend is going to be staying Sunday night too, I reminded him that I would be getting up for work at 6.30am and really needed to try and get a proper sleep, OH agreed they would keep it down. I have been awake since 3am as they progressively got louder and louder as they got more drunk. Heard friend going to bed about 5.30am and I went downstairs at about 6am to find OH asleep sitting up in a dining chair, place looking like a bomb has hit it. I woke him up and then I tidied up quite noisily, I know I should have left it. OH went to bed without saying a word as he was quite drunk and probably could tell that I was angry.

My question to you is, am I right to be so annoyed or is he entitled to have friends stay on a work night since it isn't a regular thing? I think the plan had probably always been for friend to stay 2 nights but OH knew I would be worried so decided to spring it on me at the last minute. My last partner and my father were both alcoholics so I know I'm anxious or over sensitive when people have had too much to drink, which is my problem, not his. OH goes through spells of not drinking for weeks or months but then when he does drink it's often until he blacks out. We have been together for 6 years and don't have children. Give me some perspective?

OP posts:

petalsandstars · 29/02/2016 07:20

Hell no - the two of them were incredibly selfish to behave like that. They'd have been stopped waaaay earlier in my house - and made to go to bed or leave.

tkndnv · 29/02/2016 07:21

My OH and I have regular arguments about this.

He is a very "open house" type person, always having friends round, having beers and being loud.

I am very introverted, like my own space and see home as my sanctuary from the world.

He doesn't seem to need much sleep and accuses me of being "boring" when I complain about the noise.

I have no solution. And, I suppose, objectively, no one is more "right" than the other, it's just different outlooks.

But in my opinion YANBU!

whaleshark · 29/02/2016 07:21

YANBU, I would be furious. Not with the friend staying another night, but with the total lack of thought or consideration for you. If he was going to stay Sunday night, could then not have gone out to let you sleep, or stayed in and done something quiet? It sounds like you are living with a very inconsiderate teenager!

LindyHemming · 29/02/2016 07:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gileswithachainsaw · 29/02/2016 07:22

unbelievably selfish. and unnecessary for grown adults to get that drunk. I feel sorry for those who are unable to have a good time without stopping at a responsible limit. thought drinking til all hours was something people grow out of once they settle down with a partner.

your dh and his friend are extremely rude and selfish and id suggest next time they stay at his

CooPie10 · 29/02/2016 07:23

Yanbu, the saturday was ok as you expected that, but to carry on exactly the same on Sunday was just overdoing it. Your Dh is very selfish to have continued this knowing you had to be up for work.

Believeitornot · 29/02/2016 07:24

Yanbu!!!! Especially with the exam - I've sat professional exams and boy the stress levels. Our jobs were on the line if we failed.

BathtimeFunkster · 29/02/2016 07:29

OH goes through spells of not drinking for weeks or months but then when he does drink it's often until he blacks out.

So another alcoholic, then?

He's an inconsiderate prick to have a friend over being noisy all weekend when you have exams so soon.

Keeping you up all night making noise when you have to be up at 6.30 is just obnoxious.

Have you no neighbours?

KanyePest · 29/02/2016 07:46

That's fucked! You're not being unreasonable at all. How old is your DP? 18?!

You sound really nice, and I'm not saying your DP isn't nice either, but 2 nights of that unsavory ruckus would turn me homicidal. That's some wildly inconsiderate shit, right there. Have a word with him when he's sobered up.

CurbsideProphet · 29/02/2016 07:53

YANBU. I would be furious and devastated that my partner thought so little of me. IMVHO I think you need to have a serious think about your relationship. Drinks until he blacks out? I just couldn't live like that.

expatinscotland · 29/02/2016 08:06

Is he 18? How immature and selfish. Drinks till he blacks out, leaves the place a tip, knows you have to get up to to go work at 6.30 and parties till 5am on a Sunday night? I'd have a serious think about the relationship. No way I'd have kids with someone like this unless he seriously shaped up.

expatinscotland · 29/02/2016 08:09

'My last partner and my father were both alcoholics so I know I'm anxious or over sensitive when people have had too much to drink, which is my problem, not his. OH goes through spells of not drinking for weeks or months but then when he does drink it's often until he blacks out. '

You're not oversensitive.

This guy turns into an inconsiderate prick when he drinks and then blacks out.

Bet your neighbours love you. I'd be fucking furious if some twat played metal music till 5am on a fucking MOnday morning.

Original poster

siouxsie85 · 29/02/2016 08:14

Thanks everyone. I know when I get home tonight and try to have a discussion about it he will try to say I am the one BU as it doesn't happen every weekend and he doesn't get many weekends off or doesn't get to see his friend much, which I understand. It's such a relief to hear people say that it's probably not me, it's him.

OP posts:

Gazelda · 29/02/2016 08:14

He's been selfish and inconsiderate. And it sounds as though he has an alcohol problem. I'd be beyond furious.

He should respect that it's your home too, and you deserve peace and a quiet home to sleep.

I do think you could have gone out for the day to study, but to be partying so loud and late was inexcusable.

BathtimeFunkster · 29/02/2016 08:21

I know when I get home tonight and try to have a discussion about it he will try to say I am the one BU as it doesn't happen every weekend

I think your previous experience with alcoholics has made you susceptible to believing that it's OK to stay up all night drinking until you black out as long as you only do it occasionally.

If he doesn't come home to make a MASSIVE apology for treating g your home like a doss house for loser alcos, then tell him to sling his hook.

Don't waste your life and your potential on someone who thinks so little of you.

BathtimeFunkster · 29/02/2016 08:23

Also, why the fuck did you clean up their filthy mess?

What are you? The maid?

expatinscotland · 29/02/2016 08:30

'he will try to say I am the one BU as it doesn't happen every weekend and he doesn't get many weekends off or doesn't get to see his friend much, which I understand.'

When you chose to live with someone who has to do essential things, like work, then you alter your behaviour to take that into consideration. That's called being mature and an adult. He seems to think he has a license to behave however he pleases because it's only occasional.

How fucking disrespectful.

And why are you cleaning up after him?

I think your past experience is on par with people whose past partner physically abused them, so they get into this mindset that, as long as this partner doesn't hit them, it's better when in fact, they just moved on to someone equally abusive.

The bottom line is this man cannot control his alcohol intake. He gets going and he goes full throttle, regardless of the effect on you.

clam · 29/02/2016 08:32

he will try to say I am the one BU as it doesn't happen every weekend and he doesn't get many weekends off or doesn't get to see his friend much

Maybe not, but this is different as you have an exam to study for and have been having trouble sleeping recently, which he knows. THAT's what makes the difference. He was being selfish and thoughtless. Stick to your guns on this one.

JizzyStradlin · 29/02/2016 08:32

It isn't probably not you, it's definitely not you. You didn't really have the right to expect a quiet house on Saturday afternoon and should've taken yourself elsewhere to study for the day, but everything else is indescribably cunty of him. And yes, unless you live in a detached in the middle of nowhere your neighbours will absolutely fucking hate you now.

DoreenLethal · 29/02/2016 08:33

Don't tell me - if you and your friends stayed up drinking loudly until 90 minutes before he was due to go to work, he would have been shouting and hollering long before you got to the 90 minute deadline.

Any adults that have to get up for work surely need a decent night's rest, unless there is a baby in the house. Which might well be your OH's role, being that you tidied up after him.

SpuriouserAndSpuriouser · 29/02/2016 08:34

I would be annoyed too. You compromised on the Saturday, they should have compromised on the Sunday. Especially because you have an exam coming up that you need to be rested to study for, and you made that clear to your DP. It was very disrespectful of him, don't let him twist it around and make you sound unreasonable.

Original poster

siouxsie85 · 29/02/2016 08:39

Sorry, I should have added it's a detached house, no neighbours were disturbed.

OP posts:

SirChenjin · 29/02/2016 08:41

Unless he comes home and apologises profusely for his appalling behaviour and promises never, ever to repeat it then I would leave him before you tie yourself even further to him with kids.

He doesn't respect you, and his behaviour was not kind. He'll, does he even like you?? And more to the point - do you like someone who has such little consideration for you and your neighbours? Stressful job my arse - we all have stressful jobs with little time off, but we don't treat the people we love like that.

theycallmemellojello · 29/02/2016 08:44

This is not ok. Disturbing your sleep til 5am is not ok ever, it's especially awful when you have an exam coming up. I'm sorry that he doesn't seem to recognise this. I don't really know what you can do if he just doesn't accept that he's done something wrong. How is he otherwise?

KanyePest · 29/02/2016 08:46

Yeah..... he will try to say I am the one BU as it doesn't happen every weekend and he doesn't get many weekends off or doesn't get to see his friend much

Thing is, I like a drink occasionally myself. Especially with some good company. But there's absolutely no need to be doing that until he passes out in a chair amidst a sea of rubbish at 5 am. That's not OK. That to me indicates that he's got some kind of a drinking problem.

He knew you had an important exam, and work the next day, but it seems like as soon as the alcohol took effect his respect for you sort of went out the window.

You deserve an apology at the very least. He needs to think about his relationship with alcohol.

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