Is this conversation horrible and inappropriate, or maybe I just don't understand the "jokey" relationships amongst children and coaches?

[Evelight]

Conversation as reported to me by DS(10)

DS friend: so where were you- you missed a couple of sessions?
DS: I had a belly ache and I couldn't come.

DS coach comes towards them and joins conversation : Did you shit yourself? Did you? I always shit myself when I have a belly ache.

DS and DS friend exchange looks, mumble "ok then" and back off.

DS told me this conversation in a mixture of laughter and horror at a teacher using this language- this is not usual, is it? Certainly DS thought it was the first time a coach/authority figure had used this language to him.

Also, since then, he exclaims "did you shit yourself" once in a while and laughs hysterically.

Inappropriate and creepy.

I know coaches who are too casual with kids and occasionally rude, but this is not it. It's worse.

From bitter experience, I agree with those pp who raised red flags.

It might be the end of season for your child, but there will be other children this man will be coaching

Ok. I found it was preying on my mind a bit, so I wrote to the general manager of the club using the email on the website. I basically copied and pasted the Op above. I said it was inappropriate language and my son found it confusing. (nothing about abuse, danger etc). So hopefully that will be the end of it, and nothing more than idiotic behaviour which will be addressed.

You've done the right thing OP. Although be prepared - if the coach denies saying it - for your DS and his friend to be questioned to determine exactly what happened, if there were other witnesses etc. I would imagine/hope that would be standard procedure with any accusation. But let's hope the coach admits it right away.

Actually, I take exception to the term 'belly-ache', which probably set the tone of the conversation.

I am Welfare Officer of my dc's sports club. I would say that the conversation was inappropriate, and would ask the welfare officer to raise it with the coach.

Ughghghggh

So the GM got back to me within 20 min and said it was "wholly inappropriate under any circumstances" and that they would "speak to the director of the program" and get back to me.

I don't want them to get back to me!! And I definitely don't want DS questioned or anything! What if he loses trust in telling me stuff! or he becomes overly fearful and starts seeing potential abuse everywhere? Or I made a huge fuss over some stupid comments?

"Belly-ache" is a good old Anglo Saxon term; nothing wrong with it. Colloquial but not inappropriate.

Can someone please explain to me in simple English what this whole conversation means. I thought it was about poo.

evelight this is one of those horrible parenting situations where you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

some adults don't consider the word shit as swearing. they just don't. he might of thought he was "getting down wiv the kids" which some coaches feel the need to do.

on balance I think you did the right thing but really perhaps he just said something off the cuff and kicked himself about it afterwards hoping that your 10 yr old wouldn't remember it - as if!

OP if an accusation of this nature is made against an authority figure then it is only right that steps are taken to determine exactly what took place. If that includes your son being questioned then so it must be. DH is a lecturer; if a student were to make an accusation of improper conduct against him then I would expect the same. Standard procedure as I said previously. I'm sure the people investigating will speak to your son with professional care and sensitivity. Please don't worry yourself. You really have done the right thing.

Honestly I feel like the proverbial old man, son and donkey now. I had told my sister and another (male) friend irl before coming on MN to get some perspective and they both had said I should "tell somebody" and how awful.

LOL at Debrian.

I coach 8-11 year olds rugby.

We have a joke and a laugh.

I would never, ever say that

tell your son (and his friend if necessary) that he was right to tell you-
he told you because inside he knew it was 'wierd'
that inside feeling (whatever you want to call it) is to keep us safe
but because he is still a child, he doesn't have to decide what to do, he can just tell a safe adult (in this case you, but you might want to chat about who else he could talk to), and then- the adults will deal with it, and they will decide if it's just a case of 'we don't use that kind of language in X sport' or whether it's part of a bigger picture
he doesn't need to worry about it
and neither do you now, because it's in the hands of the club
so well done him and well done you
lets just hope the guy is simply an idiot

Evelight your son would be more likely to lose trust in your judgement and ability to protect him if you acted as though these remarks were normal and appropriate.

If he and his friend are questioned, it will be very much along the lines of 'you did exactly the right thing in telling your mum about this, well done'.

You haven't made a 'huge fuss' - the GM has confirmed that these were totally inappropriate remarks.

Agree with christina.

For those saying the OP is being hysterical/ "mumsnet makes me need an aspirin", I think you are lucky that you don't have experience of how abusers operate.

When I was younger, my friend's dad would hang around when we at her house and make inappropriate comments just like this, swearing, bodily functions etc. It made us uncomfortable but couldn't pinpoint why. He moved on to offering us swigs of alcohol/ cigarettes, just boundary-blurring stuff. Stuff he knew we wouldn't tell our parents about. Then he went on to molest two of us (that I know of).

Now, perhaps the guy has no sinister motive. At best, he still needs a sharp word about appropriate language/ behaviour in front of children he has a responsbility towards. It's not just the language, it's also about modelling appropriate boundaries, isn't it. For all the reasons above. At worst, it'll be a clear warning shot to him that someone is on to him.

Oh well done OP! I know that for some people it is hard to complain about things like this but your son will NOT be questioned. The coach SHOULD be let go however.

They might simply send him on a training course but I doubt it because they probably haven't funds for things like that...a sharp word and a watchful eye might be all that comes of this. Either way you did the right thing.

I think you've done completely the right thing. I think it's a massively inappropriate thing to have said to a 10 yr old, and you were right to flag it up. (and a lot of my work is around safeguarding - I think this is definitely report-able)

What they do with this next is down to them, but you can comfort yourself with the fact that you didn't turn a blind eye. Good for you!

Glad you notified the club, OP. You need to tell the parents of the other child now.

Good for you OP. I don't think your child will be interrogated, for one thing it sounds highly unlikely something a child would make up.
I'm anything but an overprotective Mom, but this sent shivers down my spine.
If it turns out that this coach is somewhat lacking in social graces, perhaps rather childlike, then there is no harm done.
My money is on there being something more sinister.
Being PC and keeping quite doesn't do victims of abuse any favours.
Give yourself a massive pat on the back for not turning a blind eye.