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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this conversation horrible and inappropriate, or maybe I just don't understand the "jokey" relationships amongst children and coaches?

70 replies

Evelight · 29/02/2016 02:43

Conversation as reported to me by DS(10)

DS friend: so where were you- you missed a couple of sessions?
DS: I had a belly ache and I couldn't come.

DS coach comes towards them and joins conversation : Did you shit yourself? Did you? I always shit myself when I have a belly ache.

DS and DS friend exchange looks, mumble "ok then" and back off.

DS told me this conversation in a mixture of laughter and horror at a teacher using this language- this is not usual, is it? Certainly DS thought it was the first time a coach/authority figure had used this language to him.

Also, since then, he exclaims "did you shit yourself" once in a while and laughs hysterically.

OP posts:
ThorsLady · 29/02/2016 13:40

Maybe I'm different, I just find it bizarre that words like 'abuse' are being thrown around because of a poorly timed, weird joke with a swear word in it, relayed by a 10 year old.

MattDillonsPants · 29/02/2016 13:43

Thors would you feel differently if the coach had said this to a girl? A 7 year old boy? What if he'd said it to a Mother? Or perhaps someone's Nan?

Think about that...and if you would not feel differently...if you're sure you wouldn't react differently, then fair enough.

MattDillonsPants · 29/02/2016 13:45

And...look at even what you called it "weird". It IS a weird thing to say. Who said it was just poorly timed? Or even that it had a swear word in it...what sane adult asks a child "Did you shit yourself? Did you? I always shit myself when I have a belly ache."

That's NOT normal.

theycallmemellojello · 29/02/2016 13:47

I don't think you should send a cryptic email about swearing! Because it's not swearing that's the problem and you don't have any reason to put other staff under suspicion. Just report exactly what happened, then the club itself is in the best position to deal with it. You never know, there may have been other comments - several complaints about seemingly innocuous things can be revealing if, god forbid, abuse has occurred or is a risk.

Jackie0 · 29/02/2016 13:51

Creepy as hell.
I'd be reporting it because it is a huge red flag.
It doesn't matter if your child has finished his lessons with him or not , he coaches other kids too.

MoonriseKingdom · 29/02/2016 13:56

If they had say been discussing football and he had said 'X are a shit team' I'd have raised my eyebrows but not been all that worried. What he said by contrast was really quite graphic and inappropriate. I would seriously think about taking this further - even if he said it with no deeper intentions he needs to know that he has crossed a line.

wol1968 · 29/02/2016 13:58

I think it's a warning signal and should be reported. I don't think he'll get sacked for it, but clear communications as to what are and are not appropriate are quite in order for all staff, and it would be good for them to keep an eye on this particular coach and see if there are any other areas of concern. Report.

Jackie0 · 29/02/2016 13:59

You need to inform your son's friends parents as well.

ThorsLady · 29/02/2016 13:59

I honestly would not feel any different.
I just think it's a weird thing to say, and if nothing else has been said like that it doesn't raise this 'big red flag' that you're all talking about.

He may have said something like that because the boys were already talking about shitting themselves, or had said something like that before, or maybe they swear quite a lot or say silly things like that a lot and the coach was trying to be relatable.
I very much doubt a 10 yo would admit to saying those kind of things to his own mum, as much as you'd like to think your kids are open and honest.

It could be sinister, it could be innocent. If you really want to report it, you can do that, but if you don't want to report it I don't think you should have anything on your conscious. 'Abuse' especially is seriously dramatic.

ThorsLady · 29/02/2016 13:59

Conscience*

Clawdy · 29/02/2016 14:00

It sounded ignorant and crude and silly, but certainly can't see it as abusive or creepy.

WonderingAspie · 29/02/2016 14:01

I would not be happy about this because he shouldn't be swearing to young children and I'd have felt really humiliated to be asked if I shit myself at that age. Why was he even joining in? Your DS and his friend were talking to each other. Nope, weird and inappropriate.

Original poster
Evelight · 29/02/2016 14:02

No- it's not about protecting the asshole!!! As I said above- I'd be worried that he would somehow retaliate against DS by not having him have fair field time, if he thought I was complaining about what he may have thought was innocent/harmless joking. There has been some back and forth between other parents and the coaches about fair field time, and I don't want any part of that- so annoying.

i really didn't consider that the behaviour had some potential predatory aspect to it. Just that it was foul and weird and unnecessary. but not abusive.

OP posts:
ThorsLady · 29/02/2016 14:05

I don't think there's anything abusive or predatory about it.
This is where I need an aspirin to deal with mumsnet, apparently you can't say 'boo' to a child without being a fucking predator or having some kind of sinister agenda.

amarmai · 29/02/2016 14:14

a retired policeman granpa and i were observing our gcc at a sport session. He was paying very close attention to the teacher who was asking the cc what school ,class etc they went to. Afterwards he said that after school , weekend and holiday activities is one of the ways where child abusers get the opportunity to abuse . I also say red flag,op.

ThorsLady · 29/02/2016 14:16

^
Is that a serious reply?

tinofbeans · 29/02/2016 14:21

I manage a children's sports coaching company. If any of my coaches said that to a child it would be treated as gross misconduct. It is deeply inappropriate and unprofessional. Sorry :-(

VestalVirgin · 29/02/2016 14:23

I would worry like Christina that he was testing the waters. Abusers do this.

Yes. The one time I was physically molested by a man, he did exactly that. Said lots of inappropriate things, and I knew something was off, but words are just words ...

You can't report it, as to other people it will seem like nothing, but teach your children to listen to their guts and get the hell away from adults who seem "off".

BigQueenBee · 29/02/2016 14:26

That is seriously creepy OP. It can't go ignored.
It smacks of an adult trying to emulate a young child's behaviour in order to gain trust for whatever reason.
Seriously, you wouldn't say that to an adult, let alone repeat it over and over again.
It isn't a laughing matter.

liz70 · 29/02/2016 14:28

"If any of my coaches said that to a child it would be treated as gross misconduct."

This. You can, and should, report it.

christinarossetti · 29/02/2016 14:29

ThorsLady well, if the club also thinks that this remark is completely harmless, there is no reason not to report it, is there? No harm done.

OP, you describe the behaviour as 'foul and weird and unnecessary' and asked in your OP is this inappropriate?

Nobody is suggesting that you inform the club that this man has behaved 'abusively' or is a 'predator'. Just that you inform them of the facts of the situation as relayed by your son (and his reaction) and let them take the appropriate action.

ricketytickety · 29/02/2016 14:30

agree with vestal. He's crossing a boundary that he should know not to cross.

ricketytickety · 29/02/2016 14:33

We should all feel like we can report any 'weird' behaviour and sometimes, even though we don't know the significance of it, it can be a piece of the puzzle needed to create a bigger picture. If it isn't then no harm done. He did wrong and so therefor it needs reporting. If he gets into trouble, it's a lesson learned for him.

PovertyPain · 29/02/2016 14:50

You're right OP. It would be terrible if it affected your son's field time. That's the most important thing here.

Never mind that he might pose a risk to someone else's innocent child. Not your problem, eh? Hmm

wheelofapps · 29/02/2016 14:56

This is NOT okay.

An adult coach talking to two 10 year olds about 'shitting themselves' and about him 'shitting himself'. And asking them a question about it.

Not appropriate and NOT a 'joke'.

REPORT the exact words to the Club, please. And let them deal with it.

Other children will be in his care too.

If he is an 'ok' person he needs to be reminded about boundaries.

If he isn't he needs stopping.

Much more important than 'field time', surely?

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