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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it unreasonable

63 replies

DisappointedOne · 28/02/2016 17:26

to book your wedding for your sibling's anniversary? BIL has and DH isn't happy. The date has no significance for them, it's just a bank holiday.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 28/02/2016 18:03

Your DH is being unreasonable.

It's a date. He doesn't own it. It's a convenient fate too.

If there's a backstory as alluded to upthread then maybe this is a cumulative building of small issues that's making your DH lose perspective as he's looking for slights. But he's being ridiculous, tell him gently.

BackforGood · 28/02/2016 18:06

Your dh IBU.

I'd have no issue with someone else getting married on my anniversary - indeed I wouldn't expect them to remember when my anniversary was, tbh.
When you are planning your wedding, you try to co-ordinate the important people being available, with the venues (+ Church and minister if that's what you are having, or registrar if not), you don't start going through a 'dates to remember' book to see if it might be someone's birthday or anniversary of something (good or bad), it would just get impossible to find a date.

Indeed, we ended up getting married on my parents wedding anniversary - not on purpose. We'd opted for Easter Saturday, and, all those years previously, my parents had opted for the last Saturday of the tax year, as it made financial sense in those days Wink. It was rather nice, as it happens, to share the anniversary.

littleleftie · 28/02/2016 18:09

Sorry, YABU.

I doubt BIL has remembered and even if he did, it's hardly the end of the world is it?

NewYearSameMe · 28/02/2016 18:11

IMO adult birthdays are only celebrated if they end in a zero, so a friend's wedding would definitely be more important than a sibling's birthday. Anniversaries are only relevant to the couple, unless it's a zero or 25th. So neither of the things that you BIL has done would bother me much, although expecting me to move a party so that he could attend would make me roll my eyes and and I probably wouldn't do it.

I got married on my brother's 19th birthday, he was fine about it and we had a birthday cake and sang happy birthday to him at the reception.

WeAllHaveWings · 28/02/2016 18:11

I remember your other thread about your dh's birthday. You are being even more unreasonable about this non incident than the last one. You seem to look for personal slights in everything your bil does, can you not just accept that your dh and this bil aren't that close? You cant make them close, and looking for non issues like this will just make them think you are mad drive them further apart.

Can you honestly not see your wedding anniversary is a non event to others? I couldn't even tell you the month any of my 4 siblings wedding anniversaries were apart from one, where it was on another siblings birthday and I only remember that because it was mentioned on the day.

Junosmum · 28/02/2016 18:13

Wouldn't bother me.

Minniemagoo · 28/02/2016 18:13

Your Dh seems overly sensitive. IMO attending a friends wedding would trump an adults birthday, at least his DB is asking him to move it so he can subsequently celebrate with him rather than a straight non attendance.
Is your Dh a bit high maintenance with his family or is this a build up?

Quoteunquote · 28/02/2016 18:55

The brother backing out of a birthday weekend to attend a once only wedding is perfectly normal choice, and kind of him to make himself available to make another weekend, he sounds like he wants to make an effort.

The date for a wedding, unless he has a time machine and he going to the same year, it can be a positive thing , they as brothers can remind each other not to forget the date each year, and you will probably get a free meal so it will save on a dinner date.

Just help your DH to find some self confidence and not sweat the small stuff.

theycallmemellojello · 28/02/2016 19:04

I think that your DH is being precious. Why on earth does it make a difference to you? Just do your anniversary dinner on the next night. It's one anniversary out of hopefully many!

RandomMess · 28/02/2016 19:14

I think it's a bank holiday it just happens to fall the same date as well due to how many years have passed.

Says BIL can't think of anything original - "oh brother had a bank holiday wedding worked out really well for people traveling, we could do that"

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 28/02/2016 21:17

To answer a couple of points, a brothers weekend was organised for a specific event for them to celebrate DH's 40th together. BIL the. Went and accepted an invite to a wedding abroad and another brother had to practically pin him to the wall to get the truth out of him. The event can't be moved, and he'd already signed up for it before accepting the wedding invitation. So DH will be celebrating without that brother.

So, unmovable event, significant birthday, was agreed first and then he avoided telling us he now couldn't make it.

As it happens we should be thousands of miles away on the date he's chosen for a once in a lifetime event that's been planned for years. It's also an immovable date. We could cut the trip short and arrive home just in time for the wedding, but I don't think either of us are minded to.

We don't celebrate our anniversary, but one of the other brothers mentioned to DH that it was odd the other brother had gone for the same date as us - none of the made a weekend of it when we got we'd, so not very likely to this time around.

And as I say, we've already planned to be elsewhere.

I don't care about the wedding at all to be honest, so my perspective on DH's upset is probably skewed.

Thanks for all the opinions.

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 28/02/2016 21:18

Should also add that we live 250+ miles from DH's family, so organising a second weekend in addition to the first is only going to cost us more money!

OP posts:
Sunshine87 · 28/02/2016 21:52

Your BIL can't do right for wrog can he really. If your not bothered about going just dont go but deal with the fallout.

honeylulu · 28/02/2016 21:55

My best friend from school got married on our anniversary (I was her best woman). We thought it was nice and also quite appropriate as she'd caught my bouquet at our wedding. She was a bit worried we'd mind when she realised but we assured her it was great! The only mildly disappointing thing was that it was a Saturday so ideally we'd have celebrated our anniversary on the actual day with a big night out or even a weekend away - but I soon forgot that - it was a fantastic day.

grannytomine · 28/02/2016 22:04

So you're not bothered about going to his wedding but it is a big deal that he is missing an adult's birth celebration? You and your husband sound like hard work, are you looking for an excuse not to go?

Lots of people do like to make a weekend of it for a wedding, my son got married on August bank holiday weekend as lots of people were travelling to go to the wedding and after travelling for 5 or 6 hours wanted to make the most of it. Nice of BIL as it isn't usually a cheap weekend for weddings.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 28/02/2016 22:12

It was a BH when we got married too. ;). Pretty much everyone travelled and pretty much everyone (inc family) left the next day because they didn't want to get stuck in BH traffic. Hmm. Fewer people will be travelling for BIL's wedding, so it's probably less of an issue for them!

I'm not bothered about going, no. BIL and his partner haven't behaved very well towards us over a number of years, so I wouldn't personally fly half way around the world for their wedding. It's obviously different for DH. It won't be easy to accommodate BIL's wedding with our existing plans (which also involve other people, 2 birthdays (including my 40th) and an event which can't be moved) which have been planned for about 3 years now. Even if we did decide to shorten the trip we'd be horrendously jet lagged at the wedding.

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Inertia · 28/02/2016 22:17

Your plans have been set in stone for several years, by the sounds of it- and that should be what you focus on when you tell BIL that you can't attend. Don't even mention the fact that it's your anniversary date, or all the other history- you can't attend because you have already committed to immovable events in a different country for that date. But tell them before they finalise their bookings, in case they decide to change their date.

JammyGeorge · 28/02/2016 22:22

My dbro got married on mine & dh's wedding anniversary. We weren't bothered in the slightest. Dbro didn't even realise when they picked the date.

grannytomine · 28/02/2016 22:25

I couldn't tell you the wedding dates of my siblings, I know the year my brother got married as I was pregnant at the time and I know it was summer. I can't remember when my sister got married, not even the year.

sykadelic · 29/02/2016 02:56

I think it's thoughtless, but I doubt, like you said yourself and others agree, that he even realises it's your wedding anniversary. If you haven't already said it's annoyed you, you could go the route of "Excellent! It's our X year anniversary so a great excuse of a holiday!" which will annoy him that you're making it about you.

My DSis changed her daughters middle name at the last minute and gave her my MIL's first name. DH and I were NC with MIL at the time and quite upset that this innocent child had the name of a horrible hateful person. My DSis totally forgot my MIL's name because I rarely used it so it was understandable (though too late to change it). We spoke about it and all was well.

However if he did it knowingly, I'm not sure I would be bothered (my sister almost picked my birthday, that bothered me, my DH's estranged aunt did, that makes me laugh) simply because no-one usually celebrates anniversaries as a group and if they do it's usually with friends, not families. You will never have to worry about them forgetting your anniversary, and neither will you forget theirs.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 29/02/2016 05:47

You will never have to worry about them forgetting your anniversary, and neither will you forget theirs.

They don't seem to remember DD's birthday (she's 5, they haven't acknowledged it since she was 2. Ditto Xmas) so i don't think they'll be remembering us on their anniversary! Confused

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Katenka · 29/02/2016 06:27

So you aren't going anyway?

You aren't going to your bills wedding and dh is upset he didn't go to his brother birthday?

It doesn't sound like They get on very well. May be him not going on the birthday trip was a good thing.

I think your dh needs to recognise the relationship he has with BIL. Not great and move on.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 29/02/2016 07:36

I don't know whether we'll be going - Libya haven't been released yet so in theory we could alter dates, but we'd be terribly jetlagged even if we did.

DH doesn't see as much of his 3 brothers as he would like (they see each other regularly as they live fairly close to each other but we're a long way away). DH's birthday weekend was supposed to be time with his 3 brothers having a good time together at an event they were all wanting to do. Now only 3 out of 4 will be there, and the missing brother wants everyone to arrange a second weekend where they can all get together and go drinking instead. Not quite the same and DH isn't very happy about it.

I think DH struggles with feeling "forgotten" or "out of sight out of mind" so having the wedding organised on exactly the same day as a significant day to him is salt in the wound. I don't know.

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Original poster
DisappointedOne · 29/02/2016 07:37

Libya? Flights!

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Katenka · 29/02/2016 07:39

Did your dh move away from them? Or did they all move away?