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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

how to tell my mother I am pregnant

54 replies

StillYummy · 28/02/2016 15:51

I am pregnant! This baby is a lovely surprise after years of treatment to get DC1. DC1 is not yet a year old so it is quite a small gap. Firstly I want to get the scan out the way so I know the baby is ok but after that I am going to have to tell my mum.

When I told my mum I was pregnant with DC1 (after the first scan) she said "well don't tell anyone". She then continued to not say anything nice till my aunt had a word, when she finally text me congratulations... After my aunt did! Mum was not aware of all the treatments and investigations I had to go through because when I tried to tell her she cut me off with "I don't want to know".

So, how do I tell this woman who will be incapable of saying anything nice? She will say it is too soon, or embarrassingly soon or and accident. That will make me want to tell her to do one, witch is not the low stress option I am looking for.

Would I be unreasonable to text her "we are really happy to announce I am pregnant with a brother/sister for DC1. I thought I would tell you by text to give you time to process and then reply with your congratulations."

Or is that a bit leading?

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/02/2016 17:16

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Re the situation between you and her. I can tell you its not you, its your mother.

My guess as well is that your own relationship with her has always been a rocky or difficult one. I would consider reading the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on the relationships pages particularly if that is the case.

What sort of a relationship does she now have with your DC1?.

PennyHasNoSurname · 28/02/2016 17:17

Maybe just dont tell her? Then when people talk about it and she asks say "well you gave such little of a shit last time I frankly didnt think youd care"

ollieplimsoles · 28/02/2016 17:19

Why was she so dismissive and unsupportive when you brought up your fertility treatments with her op?

PeppasNanna · 28/02/2016 17:22

My mum is incredibly negative about pregnancy/babys/etc. With my last dc i was 19 weeks when i told her!

Pop her a card& scan pic...good cowards way to break the news!

QueenArseClangers · 28/02/2016 17:25

Why does she behave like such a cunt?
Congratulations OP 💐

Have a look at the Relationships board here. Lots of resources and great advice about things like this.

Original poster

StillYummy · 28/02/2016 17:26

I do identify with the stately homes crowd, but I try not to think about it as I want an easy life. I also have a really thick skin so most of the time I am unmoved by her antics. Just when I am hormonal they sting a little.

OP posts:

TitClash · 28/02/2016 17:26

I'm sad that you have to agonise about how to talk to your Mum. Especially when its actually good news to share.
Congratulations on the baby.

Original poster

StillYummy · 28/02/2016 17:27

I tried to tell her when I started clomid. But she said she didn't want to know and that was it.

OP posts:

Oldraver · 28/02/2016 17:31

The first thing my Mum said to me when I told her I was pregnant at 40 and her knowing some of what I went through to get DS was...."You are having all the tests ? then "dont tell your Dad. you know what he's like". I dont think she ever congratulated me People like these are just joy thieves.

I would be tempted not to tell her

ifcatscouldtalk · 28/02/2016 17:33

If she hasn't got a good word i'd probably leave it ages ( till i'm showing & she asks ). If you know the reaction won't be great, just say "we had money you'd react like that" in your best amused voice... Followed by " were over the moon." In an ideal world you wouldn't care what reaction you got, but its not always as easy as that. Big congrats btw, hope you have a good pregnancy.

littleleftie · 28/02/2016 17:33

Congratulations OP.

I agree, don't tell her. Let her be the last to know, and if she kicks up a stink, so what?

tiktok · 28/02/2016 17:39

Apparently, when my paternal grandmother was told the news of my mum's second pregnancy (there's a year between me and the next sibling down, so I would have been about 6 mths old when she was told), her reaction was 'that's disgusting'.

She was a horrible old bat.

Nobody liked her - we, her grandkids certainly didn't. She had no friends. We were totally unmoved when the old cow died.

Some people are just unpleasant, and your mum sounds like one of them.

Some great suggestions here for telling her the news - don't invest too much in how you say it!

candykane25 · 28/02/2016 17:41

Fantastic news, congratulations.

Please free yourself from worrying about her. She isn't wasting time worrying about you.

You can't control your mum's reaction and you'll never be able to predict it so it is a waste of energy.

Whatever she goes say when she does find out, say oh that's interesting and forget it. It really doesn't matter what she thinks or feels. All that really matters is what you think and feel. And you are happy.

purplemeggie · 28/02/2016 17:42

Congratulations, Still, how exciting for you.

My grandmother was like this about pregnancy news. After she died, we found out that she'd lost a child and never spoke about it due to the stigma. She was always pleased when people's babies arrived safely, but couldn't bear the worry while they were pregnant - could this explain your mother's behaviour?

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 28/02/2016 17:45

My mothers reaction to DSis news Was "what did you do that for?"

She had 4 kids as a single mom -

She knows how had it is!

Text - gives her chance to think about it!!

Then ring in a week - ultimately you don't need her approval - or congratulations

StableYard · 28/02/2016 17:47

My mum was the same. It was because the attention wasn't on her. She is a fantastic Mum and Nanna though - just couldn't cope with the fact that she wasn't in control and in charge.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 28/02/2016 17:48

I wouldn't tell her personally, and just announce it as you would when you want everyone to know.

If she says anything, tell her exactly that-"you didn't want to know last time, so I didn't bother this time."

As you say, you can't win either way. So just do it the easiest way.

seven201 · 28/02/2016 17:50

Would she hold it against you if you didn't tell her in person or on the phone though?! Maybe you could explain to your aunt and ask her to pass on the news and explain why you couldn't do it yourself. Good luck.

Andrewofgg · 28/02/2016 17:51

Round robin or the knitting pattern which had me PMSL. And

Jux · 28/02/2016 17:57

Congratulations!

Don't worry about how to tell her. You say that it'd be wrong whatever, so do it the way you want to.

grannytomine · 28/02/2016 17:59

Good luck, when we told my MIL I was pregnant she went in the kitchen and started smashing dishes. She then told us it was so unfair to our other children and she felt sorry for the 17 year old as he was getting pushed out. Yes he really really wanted time with mummy, well when he wasn't out clubbing with his mates, studying for his A levels or doing his part time job.

HowBadIsThisPlease · 28/02/2016 18:00

Congratulations!

Frankly it serves her right if you tell her nothing. Tell your aunt instead.

QueenArseClangers · 28/02/2016 18:03

'Joy thief' is a great term Oldraver

Well I don't know you from Adam OP but I'm super happy for your pregnancy as most posters on here will be so ignore the misery bitch

Ragwort · 28/02/2016 18:04

Agree with others in that why bother to tell her; if she acts hurt when she eventually finds out you can say, quite rightly, that as she wasn't that interested last time you had assumed she wasn't interested in the news this time. And then change the subject.

insideout · 28/02/2016 18:34

You have my sympathy Still i have a joy thief mother too. After knowing we were trying for no3. ( she was here when i mc'd- told me to just get over it). Our dd, who is 8,told all the grandparents and my mum was a complete cunt arse about it, it has also exposed lots of lies she has told about me. I keep contact to a bare minimum, and short phone calls, easy for us as she lives in a different country

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