Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to be annoyed by DPs constant compliments?

60 replies

SashaFierce99 · 28/02/2016 00:16

I am a SAHM and DP works long hours. I don't do anything besides be with the DC and he occasionally goes out with friends but has no hobbies so I don't feel we have that much to talk about. I feel like he is constantly trying to catch my eye and everytime he does he tells me I'm amazing, he can't wait to marry me, meeting me was the best thing he ever did, I'm the love of his life etc. Even the oldest DC roll their eyes at him now as he says it to fill every silence.

He also declares his love 20+ times per day and I'm struggling to reply without sounding snappy. If I go upstairs to read with one DC for half hour he'll tell me he missed me when I come down...! I am pretty independent so not sure if I'm being harsh to be irritated by it all. Aibu to wish he'd find something else to say?!

OP posts:

PovertyPain · 28/02/2016 01:35

Are you the poster that saw those poor children who were freezing cold with no shoes and socks on ?

Yup.

wickedlazy · 28/02/2016 01:39

Have you talked to him about it?

BillSykesDog · 28/02/2016 01:40

Exactly Harriet. The last thread was complaining because he had tried to book a nice surprise (a trip to a hotel for a spa) for a landmark birthday and apparently that was terrible too. Plus the OP is openly critical of his parenting and his trying to bully him into DNA tests he doesn't want for his two children from a previous marriage because she thinks it might be a convenient way out of paying maintenance which she resents.

Like I said, I feel sorry for him. You don't love him OP, you don't even like him. You must be making his life a misery. Do the decent thing and split so he can find someone who does love him. But you won't because you want to be a SAHM with a comfy life.

Alasalas · 28/02/2016 01:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 28/02/2016 01:52

I've just had a look at the birthday thread Bill and he looks to be thoughtless at best, but brass tacks, OP and her DH don't seem very well suited, maybe he's overbearing because he knows she's at the end of her tether and about to throttle him who knows?

Can't help but feel for the DC who have no choice but to live in an atmosphere you must be able to cut with a knife.

Katenka · 28/02/2016 05:47

I think he has probably picked up on that you aren't really that fussed about him anymore.

LaContessaDiPlump · 28/02/2016 06:37

I agree with Katenka. He's trying to draw you back but unfortunately it's having the opposite effect.

Have you tried talking to him about how you feel? Ideally in a positive rather than a 'I can't fucking stand you' way?

Original poster

SashaFierce99 · 28/02/2016 11:34

I am self employed as well as being a SAHM actually Bill, so I could be a SAHM without his assistance. I'm sure he does feel side lined and neglected, but when he's only interested in participating in family life if it involves cuddling, touching or adoring me then he will continue to feel that way.

I've spoken to him before and said I need a bit of peace and space as I usually have DC on me 24/7 but he persists on touching me at every opportunity - even trying to hold one hand while I eat with the other.

OP posts:

CooPie10 · 28/02/2016 11:40

You really, really have a lot of issues with your dp. Always complaining about him.

Evabeaversprotege · 28/02/2016 11:46

Just set him free. It's clear you don't love him.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 28/02/2016 12:10

If hes really that annoying OP, then split up. Someone might not find him annoying.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 28/02/2016 12:19

The constantly need to touch you, on top of everything else, makes this more than just compliments IMO. It's a possession and control thing. It isn't about showing affection, it's about ownership. He knows it's making you uncomfortable, can see that the older DC doesn't like it, and yet he continues.

You need to end this relationship.

JaneHair · 28/02/2016 12:19

Gosh OP, I'm confused. 15 mins before you posted this you were on mumsnet posting about how upset you were seeing a child earlier in the day who looked bruised and possibly abused...

Odd that.

Evelight · 28/02/2016 12:31

My DH went through a phase of this a couple of yrs back. It drove me insane- once I literally screamed and threatened to throw myself out of the car if he said I love you once more with no context and reason at all. In his eyes, i was being crazy and rejecting. This thread is giving me uncomfortable flashbacks to that day.

In our case, it was symptomatic of a deeper problems with our relationship, we were overcoming some former issues, and dealing with new ones, and this was I guess his insecurity showing himself.

Anyway, he travels a lot, and we spend a lot of time apart, but I think you need to look deeper in your relationship- I don't think this is just an issue of having no hobbies etc.

Evelight · 28/02/2016 12:33

What i want to articulate: sometimes these seemingly unnecessary and continuous declarations of love and affection are simply a poorly thought-out controlling tactic. As in: I love you soooo much, so why don't you do XXX for me. Or: if you loved me as much as I loved you you'd do XXXX.

There was definitely some of that going on with my DH.

Evelight · 28/02/2016 12:36

I feel sometimes there's a lot of burden and expectation on the word "love" in relationships- which can hardly always withstand the pace of modern life, what with childcare, housework, jobs etc. And we have been taught that if we keep saying the magic word "love" all these sometimes harsh problems will go away. Huh. I don't believe that, not anymore.

Evelight · 28/02/2016 12:38

Also, bollocks to the poster who said "you don't deserve this gem of man" or whatever- made me vom a bit.

Obviously i have a lot of unresolved feelings about this issue...

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 28/02/2016 12:57

Are the children his? If not I'd cut your losses before you are married. If so then you need to both work on having interests outside of the home.

MajesticWhine · 28/02/2016 12:57

I think it sounds really annoying and desperately unhealthy. Relationship problems are usually about the negotiation between independence and togetherness and differences in boundaries. But this sounds extreme.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/02/2016 13:11

"he persists on touching me at every opportunity - even trying to hold one hand while I eat with the other."
That - is seriously not normal behaviour.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/02/2016 13:18

"I try and involve him but he's either preoccupied with his phone or declaring love to me so the DC get fed up with him."
Have you pointed this out to him? What was his response (if you have)?

Also, what age are the children and are they his? The reason I ask is, you have been together for six years so if they are his your oldest can be 5 at most. That's young to be rolling their eyes at their father, and I'd be wondering how that response started - maybe they're copying you? Or if their older and not his children - some step-parents simply don't connect to their step-children in the same way they would if they were their biological children (and vice-versa). I'm trying to understand the nature of the relationship between DC/DH.

BillSykesDog · 28/02/2016 14:06

Well if you are capable of being financially independent why don't you just split? You clearly can't stand him, you don't want to have sex with him or spend time with him, you think he's a rubbish parent. Why are you staying when clearly you don't want to be with him?

It sounds like he's desperately trying to save your relationship but has absolutely no idea that you have no interest in doing so. It's really not fair to continue a relationship like this where effectively it has ended but you just haven't told him.

Original poster

SashaFierce99 · 28/02/2016 22:18

One child isn't his but the rest are.

Actions speak louder than words, Bill. Just because he says nice things doesn't make him the perfect partner.

OP posts:

theycallmemellojello · 28/02/2016 22:24

I feel sorry for the dh. He's reaching out and clearly feels insecure. In fact, you've said you know he feels like a spare part in the family. So why not try to address that rather than complain he's boring? Also if you have nothing to talk about that's half your fault too. It's hard to have a boring conversation with someone fascinating.... Btw my dh and I tell each other we love each other all the time. It's not insincere and we have lots of stuff to talk about, that's just how we are.

Original poster

SashaFierce99 · 28/02/2016 22:48

I have tried to address it but I can't make it happen alone. The dc don't want him to do bedtime, bath time, brush their teeth, cook their tea or even play with them. I've suggested he just do it and they'll have to accept it and get over it but he 'doesn't want to upset them' so he continues doing nothing...and leaving it all to me. The only contribution he does make is to make it harder by not sticking to threatened consequences - I. E. Tonight he asked dd six times to come to the table for dinner. She ignored him and continued playing. He threatened that there'd be no pudding if she kept ignoring him. She ignored him again. Her sister called her to the table and she came, Dp gave her pudding without any mention of the earlier threat after tea. I would never back down and therefore will be the one to experience the fall out when I stick to my word in future

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3