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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To see friend less because she hates my 5 yo

90 replies

OhForFrigSake · 27/02/2016 22:24

Title says it all really. My good friend has a DD the same age as my DS, the problem is that my son can be a bit boisterous and giddy and well, a boy and her daughter is very quiet and not terribly outgoing at all. My DS has a brother and has learned to be assertive whereas her daughter is an only child and is not at all assertive. She is a lovely girl though and DS is genuinely good friends with her, they don't fight and he doesn't pick on her and they have a nice time when they're together with no falling out. We have been on holiday a number of times and the children have always got on great.

The problem is that when we're together friend is constantly 'helicoptering' over the children and monitoring everything they do - almost as if she expects DS to be doing something to her DD. It's like she is policing the relationship.

She is also constantly snapping at DS and telling him off - she is on him in a second. She tells him off far more than she would her DD. He's not an angel and he does mess about a fair bit but he is only 5 and nothing he does is in malice, it's just usually being a bit silly IYKWIM. I do always pull him up on silly behaviour but because my friend is on his back constantly I don't even get chance to. It's really like she can't stand him sad

I'm not making excuses for my DS but it does really make me feel sad when we're together as he is always getting told off, even when he's not really doing anything 'telling off worthy.' If her DD does something 'naughty' she even blames DS there saying she's copying - that she must have got it from DS.

I feel really sad. I do think DS is more boisterous than her DD and whilst He can be annoying, she could just leave it to me to tell him off and get off his back a bit and let the children play - because they do play lovely together when she is not policing everything. I really feel like not seeing them as it just makes me feel so depressed. AIBU to see her less? I feel like it might ruin the friendship.

OP posts:

Original poster

OhForFrigSake · 27/02/2016 23:17

You've hit the nail on the head 'I lost it' there is a huge undercurrent and it's really spoiling things and making what should be some lovely get togethers very tense and unhappy.

I know some on this thread take my DS being 'boisterous' to mean he's a fuckimg nightmare but honestly, he has loads of friends and school and his teacher says he is a lovely funny little boy - I've never been given the impression that he's a terror by anyone other than her (apart from when he genuinely is being a terror and I see that for myself IYSWIM!)

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TaliZorahVasNormandy · 27/02/2016 23:17

I had a friend that did this with DD. It was like she was trying to over parent me but not understanding what parenting DD needs (Shes got social anxiety and selective mutism)

It all came to a head when me, DD, friend and DD's godmother went on holiday. For the whole 4 days, the only time friend spoke to DD was to tell her off. And it was for stupid things like, playing with her toys (I'm not joking either) or criticizing her food choices.

DD's godmother, while me and DD were in the bath, laid into friend so badly (Godmother has a vicious tongue at times so did it for me as she loves DD to pieces)

After holiday, DD said to me, quite randomly, she didnt want to invite friend on holiday again. After that, friend has seen DD about 4 times.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 27/02/2016 23:19

Oh and my friend doesnt have children either.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 27/02/2016 23:19

I have a theory on why her dd is quiet. Am guessing she has no choice tbh. I bet if she tries to act five she is on her back?

I'd avoid except I feel sad for her dd.

Original poster

OhForFrigSake · 27/02/2016 23:19

Mrs Terry Pratchett, you're right, he is genuinely more biddable - like you say the fact he's a boy, or one of 2 rather than an only child like her DD has nothing to do with it, he's just more outgoing. No doubt she finds that hugely annoying, as her daughter is very biddable but what I see as normal, silly 5 year old stuff she simply can't tolerate.

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NanaNina · 27/02/2016 23:20

I can't understand how this mother can be your best friend when she is telling off your son and almost "looking" for behaviour she doesn't like. It's not on and is the golden rule of parenthood that you don't criticise another child (well you can to your DH or someone else you trust) and you most certainly don't tell him off when his mother is there. I think if you're looking after someone else's child you can step in when necessary but only in the way you would with your own child.

HOW do you manage to sit and eat a meal when she is behaving like this - it's beyond me. I don't think your son's behaviour is the issue here, it's you friends insensitivity - rudeness even.

I'd tell her you don't like it and since she seems to be so irritated by your son it's probably best if you saw each other without the children, or not at all.

Original poster

OhForFrigSake · 27/02/2016 23:22

Honestly, her daughter is as quiet as a mouse most of the time. She is a lovely girl but extremely unassertive, I do worry about her a bit because although she and my DS get on like a house on fire I can imagine that she wouldn't be able to stick up for herself if she needed to.

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ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 27/02/2016 23:24

Well gradually step away from the God awful playdates and maybe get babysitters and go out with her for a few drinks and a laugh when you're feeling a bit more generous towards her. You might find that without the children, you have a great time and remember why you're friends.

Original poster

OhForFrigSake · 27/02/2016 23:25

Tali - that's really sad! I feel my DS might think the same way about my friend, he can tell she doesn't like him.

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80schild · 27/02/2016 23:26

Personally, I think it is fair enough to say something to another person's child if they are in your house. However, it will affect your child's confidence if he is always being bombarded with negativity from a close friend. Either confront or cool it a bit

Original poster

OhForFrigSake · 27/02/2016 23:27

I think I'm going to have to 'I lost it' because I don't see how I can keep watching her tell him off over and over when we're together. It's sad for the children though as they'd be the ones missing out in that event as they really do love each other and have grown up together.

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starry0ne · 27/02/2016 23:29

I Read your worms and spaghetti, all normal as well as complete amusement about poo, farts...

I would speak to your friend maybe say it seems to be creeping in she is telling your DS off all the time and that you prefer to decide how to discipline your own child..

I have a friend who seemed to think my DS made her behave very silly... I can tell you my DS gets sillier around her DS...They just have a good giggle together about silly stuff...It has took her a while to realise her DS actually needs someone like my DS around to make her Ds loosen up a bit.

You don't need to be around someone who is making you feel like a bad mother when he sounds like a perfectly normal 5 year old boy.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 27/02/2016 23:29

It is, DD can be the most quietest, shyest and mild mannered child ever although she has her moments. Shes very on the ball and can read people like books. It hurt to hear her acknowledge how she was treated on holiday.

But I know, despite her being so mild mannered, she'd stick up for herself and I wouldnt be surprised if one day, DD told friend to shut up. And you know what, I wouldnt tell her off for it either.

Original poster

OhForFrigSake · 27/02/2016 23:33

Starry - I agree, the only time he's ever been told off at school was for saying 'poo' and giggling he is annoying as hell sometimes but I honestly do think it's normal 5 year old boy annoyingness whilst I think her DD is actually far quieter and introverted than most 5 year olds which probably exacerbates how friend views him.

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Original poster

OhForFrigSake · 27/02/2016 23:34

And I actually think it does her DD some good to get a bit of that. She seems far happier when they are together and friend even admits to me that DD asks for DS all the time and how much she loves him!!

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Original poster

OhForFrigSake · 27/02/2016 23:37

Tali - that's it for me too I think. I feel like I'm letting DS down a bit by allowing him to be constantly hounded and picked up on every little thing.

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Aeroflotgirl · 27/02/2016 23:40

I woukd just get together whilst your kids are at school. If she does tell your ds off, and it was not justified, pull her up on it!

NanaNina · 27/02/2016 23:41

Yes I think you are letting your son down OP. Next time she suggests meeting up with the children you could say you didn't think it was a good idea because of the way she tells your son off. I think most parents would not tolerate that.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 27/02/2016 23:42

I think its her and not your boy. I think DD is the greatest child ever but I'm under no illusion that she isnt bloody annoying at times.

I think your friend is the "seen and not heard" type if her DD is normally quiet and your DS is outgoing.

I'd call her out on it and tell her to back off.

Original poster

OhForFrigSake · 27/02/2016 23:46

Thanks all for some great advice, I think I'm going to step back for bit from this friendship because let's face it, if is is me and my DS is a complete pain in the arse and I'm a shit parent she'll probably be relieved and if it's because she's just a bit too uptight and on DS' case unfairly it at least gives him a bit of a break so win/win.

If she asks why I'm going to have to explain that really, whilst I know at times DS is annoying/ a pain in the arse 5 year old, I need to do the telling off.

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Original poster

OhForFrigSake · 27/02/2016 23:49

Yes Nana, I agree that I am letting him down here, the last time we went away for a week (over new year) she was on his back constantly and it was really sad to see. I think it's just got worse over time as her daughter has seemed to get quieter and quieter and my DS has come out of his shell more and get more independent.

I wouldn't necessarily say her DD is better behaved but she is definately seen and not heard most of the time.

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/02/2016 23:53

I think you need to address it directly with your friend.
Ask her what she thinks is so bad about your DS's behaviour that she feels the need to be telling him off every 5 minutes? See if she can actually vocalise her problems with him - and if the problems are at all valid, then say "ok, we'll work on that" - and if they're not, try to hold a mirror up to her so she sees herself how silly she's being.

Are the children in school yet?

Aeroflotgirl · 27/02/2016 23:55

You do need to, by doing this your friend is having a negative effect on your ds and his self esteem, I would fit this cool it off between you, if she asks why, be totally honest with her.

Italiangreyhound · 27/02/2016 23:56

MrsTerryPratchett totally agree with you post starting It is very hard for the parents of biddable children to get the other children.

OhForFrigSake please speak to this woman in private together, try and straighten out what it is she does and doesn't like/get/accept and then decide if you want her daughter to play with your son or not.

Just be careful re If she asks why I'm going to have to explain that really, whilst I know at times DS is annoying/ a pain in the arse 5 year old, I need to do the telling off. I do this too, I run my kids down sometimes, my kids are very challenging and at times I feel very frustrated by them, but they are also lovely great kids. Be careful how you speak about him to others, to yourself and most of all in his hearing. If he is boisterous but not hurting anyone and not doing anything terrible he is a normal child, girl or boy, of five.

Original poster

OhForFrigSake · 27/02/2016 23:58

Yes ThumbWitches, both DD and DS at school. DS gets in great with lots of friends, her DD has apparently had some problems with another girl knocking her over in the playground once. Friend very much casts her daughter as one of life's 'victims' - she is hyper aware (and IMO opinion perhaps rightly so) of her daughter being bullied by anyone, because the DD is SO quiet and unassuming. Perhaps that's why she helicopters so much?

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