am I overreacting about childbirth?

[PonderLand]

Me and DP are 25 weeks pregnant with our first baby, it was a surprise but we're both starting to really look forward too it. I'm still struggling with some personal issues about pregnancy and been a mum but I'm starting to slowly allow myself to feel confident, I've done this mainly by reading every possible thing I can and researching anything I'm unsure about. Plus watching YouTube videos of 'how to burp newborn' etc lol. Moving closer to my parents has helped alleviate some of those worries aswell lol.

These past few weeks I decided to tackle childbirth and have looked into most things to do with it. So I'm pretty aware of the basics now but I'm still petrified of been so vulnerable and at the mercy of the staff completely. I've worked in hospitals for nearly 8 years so I don't feel quite as confident in the facilities and the staffing levels etc. Anyway to cut a long story short I've been researching and reading and watching so many things but my DP hasn't looked into anything! Not one single thing. I try and talk to him about labour and what happens but he just gets frustrated and makes faces and tells me to stop telling him and making him nervous. He won't watch OBEM either which I've found quite reassuring.

AIBU or should he be taking it more seriously and actually want to understand what will happen to me during labour? Could there be a point where they will need to explain things to him if I'm unable to answer etc? Am I over worrying? I probably am. I'm so nervous :(

You can't prepared as no body knows what will happen!

Best idea is have no idea

I was like you and wanted to know everything that could possibly happen during the birth but I only got DH to watch maybe 2 episodes of OBEM with me.

YABU (a bit) as others have said labour is going to happen to you not him.
Get him to read through your birth plan with you when the time comes, you probably won't even write it until you're 36 weeks or so.
Tell him what support you expect, distraction, back rubs, massage etc giving practical tasks might help him get on board.

Have you thought about MLU or home birth if the hospital worries you?

The OP is why I did NCT classes with my DH.

My husband would rather gouge his own eyes out than watch OBEM (so would I, for that matter), or read a book or article on childbirth. But he was great at just being there. And my births went all wrong anyway, even though I was all calm and positive about it.

He doesn't need to research if he doesn't want to. He can still be supportive just by, well, being supportive.

Thanks all for your replies, I think my own anxieties are definitely the problem and I am trying to keep calm lol I just feel like I want/need support and for me been able to talk about labour with him would really help me feel like I'm not on my own with it. But clearly I'm not on my own in the knowledge department of labour so I feel quite relieved lol.

Just gonna have to keep working on how I'm handling the situation.

OP please don't worry. I didn't read anything specific, watch anything or go to NCT classes. It's all optional. I know some people feel better by reading up as much as possible, others the opposite.

Good luck!

NCT classes are something I've tried talking to him about but the expense is an issue at the moment. I have a midwife appointment on Monday so I'm going to see if there's any nhs ones we could go on. Hopefully they aren't all during the week as DP works away or finishes too late.

It's still early op, buy Yanbu in wanting your dh to be prepared.

My dh hasn't ever really researched labour/birth etc but I did my research and told him what was important to me and made sure he had the information he needed to support me in my choices and if necessary be an advocate for me during birth. It was really important to me that dh knew what I wanted and why and thst I could rely on him to help support my choices in labour.

Had he not been willing to support me with my choices he wouldn't have been at the births, simple as. As it is dh attitude is that it is my body so I make the choices and he will back me up and support me and he has done this in previous births.

Expecting Dc6 at easter and I will write some bulletin points /birth plan but dh knows what I do/don't want/like during labour and I know he will step up and advocate for me if necessary.

It is important that your birth partner is supportive and that does mean that they need to prepare a bit but you have plenty of time.

I bet your partner will be a great support by the way. There's a lot to be said for not pre-empting too much and let the midwives guide you on the day.

For example, one thing my husband did when I was in labour (which we didn't plan for or read about in any book) was once we'd figured out in early labour that my contractions were lasting, say, 15 seconds, he did a little countdown during each one. So I'd start the contraction and he'd hold my hand and go '15, 14, 13...' It really helped me see the end of the pain was in sight'.

The two of you will be fine I'm sure.

Hes a man, hes not going through it,you are, if you want to be well informed then fine, he doesnt have to be and doesnt want to be.

Tbh I don't think anything I read, learnt or was told really prepared me in any way, and certainly dh didn't learn anything useful. I was happy to put myself totally in the hands of the professionals. After all, they do it all umpteen times a week. Dh's job was to be there and be sympathetic.

Dh read nothing wheni was pregnant, didn't bother me TBH.

I read stuff, didn't do classes. Labour was what it was, dh supported me 100% despite having no expectations.

OBEM wasn't on when I was pregnant but dh would have rather watched paint dry than watch it. Having been through labour twice I'm with dh now

It will be fine op, just try and relax and enjoy your pregnancy. If it helps you to read then do, it certainly did me. Just don't expect your dp to respond on the same way.

I had this problem with my DH. When I was 35 weeks I booked us on to a weekend childbirth course and told him we were off for a last minute dirtyweekend away. We were, it just had classes about childbirth from 10 - 4 both days (which might have dimmed our ardour a little). He panicked a bit at the start but then really got in to it.

He was still rubbish at the birth - turned green when I had an epidural and I threatened him with violence if he dared faint but it was great for teaching about him about changing nappies, burping DS, signs of colic etc.

I wont go in to the fact that the other couples booked on to it cancelled and it was just us with the midwife for two whole days... I felt like I knew her better than most of my RL friends by the end of it.

Um. What everyone else said, really. Dh didn't attend any classes, read anything, or watch anything. He managed through three children and it hasn't affected his parenting ability at all.
I went to NHS classes when pg with my first. It was mildly amusing to watch the mw instructor electrocute herself with the TENS machine and bounce backwards off the birthing ball knocking the flip chart over, but I don't think it did much to convince me it was gonna be alright on the night...
My only sage advice really, is stay flexible. Who knows what is going to happen?

Haven't written a birth plan yet, three kids later, and even if I had bothered, they would gone right out of the window with all of them.

It is definitely wiser to figure out how to deal with your own anxiety than project the blame onto Dh

you can have a price reduction if money is an issue with the NCT. Ask them about it.

I'm afraid I found that DH wasn't involved at all in all the birth stuff. Apart from having to go with me to the NCT classes which at least put him up to speed as to what was going to happen.
I found it easier to tell him .'This is what I want you to do if xxx'.

After all it's your body, your birth and it's ony fair that you are the one to decide what is working best for you.

I do feel though that he is actually quite anxious about it too...

I was like you, OP - read everything I could and felt very anxious a lot of times, so I can relate to how you feel.

Having said that, I don't think it matters that your DP isn't interested in detailed knowledge of childbirth. Chances are, he may feel a bit overwhelmed by what's coming and his attitude may be that of 'I will cross that bridge when I get to it'. That doesn't really matter, but the important thing is that he is fully supportive of you, including your emotional state. Talk to him about your worries but without getting into 'technical' details, explain that you feel anxious and that it is important for you to know that he understands how you feel. The midwives and doctors will be there and they will know what they are doing, your DP's job is simply to be there for you. If you could do an antenatal course together, it would be good - he would find out just enough without getting freaked out and would get some pointers on how to support you through the rest of your pregnancy and childbirth. Best of luck!

My DP came to the NHS antenatal classes with me, which was great. Very basic overview of delivery and baby care. Nothing too graphic. He also attended Dad specific antenatal classes, which our local council do. They were great as it was just guys and it was run by a man, so they could ask anything they wanted without feeling stupid.

He read a book targeted at fathers too but honestly, I think the antenatal classes would have been enough.

The thing here is how you are adjusting to and preparing for this. If your partner isn't going to support you in the way you want him to (which is totally up to him, he has needs in this situation), I'd really look into getting a doula. Their role is to support you in whatever way you need, which might be: emotional support, helping you understand what is happening, giving you a massage, encouraging your partner to get involved or back off, ask for more details from medical staff / midwives, help you consider options etc. They are not exorbitantly expensive. Good luck.

Just let him know what you need him to know - your birth plan/ wants/ needs etc, so he can advocate for you. Other than that he only needs to know that he needs to support you fully.

As for you. I also found OBEM reassuring, too reassuring as it turns out.

Everything i wanted for my birth the opposite happened, resulting in a crash c section. Dp didnt do any research but he was amazing because all he did was comfort me and constantly asked what i wanted and spoke for me when i was desperately struggling. You may well find he cant handle researching it with the gore and things but he may well be amazing because its about beinf there for you.

Please try and relax a bit, im a planner like you and like to know everything about everything but its amazing how much you just know and if you fixate on how things should be done as per the books it will hold you back when you might need to adapt to suit your baby.

Its such a special but natural time, enjoy it.

DH was rather similar, kept saying things like "It's you that's giving birth so whatever you want in your birth plan, I'll go along with that." and like others, it was after the drive back from our first NCT classes that he really seemed to engage about the issues and I felt I could have a proper conversation with him. He was great when I was in labour with DC1 (DC2 was a planned csection, and again, he was great about being involved with what that would entail).

If money is an issue, it might be worth contacting the NCT as they often can do discounted rates (or even free completely) for classes if you are on lower income.

In regards to OBEM it's actually gonna be where I'll be giving birth so I find it really helpful been able to kind of 'meet' the midwives and other staff. But totally understand why some people can't watch it. I do check before I watch it that nothing too traumatic happens lol.

In regards to OBEM it's actually gonna be where I'll be giving birth so I find it really helpful been able to kind of 'meet' the midwives and other staff. But totally understand why some people can't watch it. I do check before I watch it that nothing too traumatic happens though lol.

Ask yourself what you really need from your dp on the day, before and after.

Ok first the scary stuff...

I had a high risk birth and although it may sound dramatic we talked beforehand about what my wishes would be if things went drastically wrong.

Then the mundane but far more likely to happen stuff...

Your dp is there to support you. What does support look like to you? To me it was translating as needed, being aware of my wishes around the birth, being with me after the c section because I was totally incapable for hours and locating fluids/cups of tea ad nauseum

The rest is just nice to know ;)

You seem to have done lots of research and that is probably helping you to deal with any anxiety. Everyone deals with that differently. If cost is an issue then you can probably skip the classes. Don' t forget to prepare as best as you can for the baby, and by that I don' t mean buying lots of stuff, but reading up on babies and their care in the first few months. Hope you have a great birth and a lovely baby.