or my friends are really weird!

[user1456315015]

Have been lurking around for so long and have read many helpful replies.
My issue is not huge but it's really puzzling. Sorry if I am rambling on!

Basically my DH and I have been pretty close to a couple and you could say we are close friends.
A bit of a background... DH and I have been trying for a baby for over 7 years and were finally blessed to get our baby boy (through long IVF).
Well all of a sudden the friends are talking about having kids...but at the same time not acknowledging that I am pregnant (and just talking about how their life will change once THEY get a baby hypothetically)
She then falls pregnant and they start planning a wedding. The thing is we are super happy for them and show it but they have become very competitive with us... It's like who had the better pregnancy, 'how strong are his swimmers that they fell pregnant straight away" etc
Also the other thing that baffles me is that they constantly talk about their wedding but haven't invited us... Yet we still go out and even went away together.
I am so confused!! What is going on.

Don't ask about the wedding again, makes you look desperate for an invite

Weird.
No invite is rude. Time to re-evaluate the friendship.competitive friendships are tiring

These people are not your friends, competitive shit like this is unhealthy & quite frankly pathetic.
Don't ask about the wedding again & distance yourself from them.

Firstly, congratulations on the birth of your son! DH and I had fertility issues too, we now have DD :)

These people sound awful frankly. The very fact that you had fertility issues and then they make comments about 'strong swimmers' is beyond crass. I'd use the lack of wedding invite as the reason for cutting them loose. I doubt you'll feel worse off without them!

Please distance yourself. They sound really nasty and that's putting it politely.

I'd say nothing, wait to see if an invite materialises and then quietly drop them if one doesn't. If they don't invite you then they are making it very plain how they value your friendship. Their loss.

True friends should be happy for other people's good fortune even if they are slightly envious. I agree some people only want friends that make themselves feel better because the friends aren't doing as well as they are. As buckin said above, it's all about deep seated general unhappiness about their own life. Jealousy is ugly.

Saying they are "weird" is being kind. They are definitely insensitive, but there are a lot of less kind adjectives I'd be tempted use.

I don't know all the background of the friendship, but it sounds it would be a good idea to let it die quietly.

This is my best friend and I've lived with it for 10 years, putting up with it because she's totally Cool in many other ways. I would love to hear from people who are like this because the personality type fascinates me. BF has opened up a few times about how unhappy and jealous she is and I feel bad for her but at the same time a lot of our conversations are about her being critical and jealous of others and smug about the things she's managed to "win" on.

I also notice she deliberately surrounds herself with people worse off than her to feel superior. In her case it's eternal student types (poorer than her) and single women in their 40s (she thinks they're jealous of her relationship/ babies) it's really odd.

They are not friends.

The wedding invite may be a misunderstanding but can't you ask her directly and tell her how hurt you are? Some people need it spelling out to them. If you leave all your grievances unspoken, the friendship will fall apart anyway.

I'm afraid they will probably turn into the type of unbearable new parents that behave as if they are the first on the planet to have a baby. Totally self involved and 'me deep' in conversation.

I have a friend and her DH who i don't like are very competitive. My parents bought us a dinning table they went out and bought an even expensive table but asked mutal friend how much the table cost. Anything we get new they want. It's more the DH than my friend. Alot of people have had enough of him as hes so materlistic but this is all paid via credit cards. I only bother with my friend and avoid situations where her DH is there.

I'd have let the insensitive comments go if you value them in other ways but the wedding invite saga would have been the last resort for me.

buckin - you describe my bf to a tee!
Comments:
'I can't believe other friend is buying a house that price. I thought I was winning on the house front'

(Talking about same friend) 'at least my husband is taller than her's'

(In front of a couple struggling to conceive) 'we conceived DS during the ad break of Take Me Out, one go, bam'

Plus many many more.... But, she has redeeming features and has been there for me during rough times. An earlier poster has hit nail on head, she's deeply unhappy if 'winning at life' is her main goal. They can get married, have 30 kids, a big house etc but it will never be enough. It's sad really.

They sound like frenemies to me. Competitive, insensitive and seemingly don't actually like you.

I think they preferred you when you were struggling to conceive. Now you've succeeded you're a threat.

I would gently drop them. Don't pursue the invitation. Don't call or invite them to socialise. Wait and see if they call you.

You'll do yourself a favour once their baby is here and you don't get to hear how their baby is cuter/better/more advanced than yours, and how they're much better parents than you

I had a friend a bit like yours Buckin. I put up with it because I knew she was deeply insecure, but it destroyed our friendship in the end. We don't speak anymore. I never got to experience barbed comments comparing our kids, because we stopped talking when I was pregnant the first time. Ah well!

I think it's a facet of narcissistic personality disorder. Look up "compensatory narcissism".

The wedding thing is downright weird as if their aim was competition you'd think they'd be mad keen to invite you to their "amazing" wedding - so possibly the non invitation is because it's low key and they don't want you to see?
Definitely sounds like they are jealous of you, insensitive and as you say, horribly competitive. It will only get worse. My early years with ds were, with hindsight, blighted by a close friend who bought the house opposite us and then proceeded to compete with me/us on every aspect of our lives, homes, babies' development etc and I felt for years that I was inferior etc when in fact we, our lifestyles, values, babies' development etc were just different. I'd distance yourself now as this friendship sounds like its unhealthy. Sorry though, upsetting.

I've had a long term friend exactly like this.We had babies at the same time. Beware it will peak when she has the baby. Her baby will be better looking, nicer, more advanced etc... You cant win as everything that you do will be seen through her competitive lens. For example I BF my baby- no moralistic holier than thou attitude- didnt expect to- but had really good support at hospital. She was very defensive and critical about this. That my baby was less settled, happier than hers, how formula was better, BF was disgusting etc. She was treating me as if I was BF to compete with her! Anyway I got fed up with the digs, and replied one day that actually the best thing about BF was it was a nice thing to do, the closeness with mother and baby. She said that I was being judgemental with her etc... She also would go on about how her house was too small so how could I manage living in a flat, how could I live in a city where she lives is so much better. I found myself bragging up where I live. Feeling drained that I was justifying all my decisions to her in a habit of one upmanship. I myself was embarking in these petty brags even though I never had any conversations like this with my other friends.
I think what happens alot in these situations is that you can get stuck into bad habits in conversations. She may of unintentionally read alot of your comments about having a husband and trying for a family as insensitive to her, as she was single, so she wants to acknowlege she is now in the same status as you. Could you steer the conversations back to common interests etc, when she brags just bask in her glory for 10 seconds then steer the conversation to something you both enjoy doing, do not justify your actions. Why should you?. It saved our friendship as she had many other good qualities and the children are good friends . Also you will meet alot of this in the mother and baby world.So you might be swapping one brag monster you care about for alot of strangers! Annoying thing about middle class biritain.
About the wedding I would ask her. Just say things like I'm really looking forward to your wedding, How many people are you inviting? If she doesnt invite you-unless it is very small ( fair enough). Just be honest and say I go to alot of weddings where I'm happy to be invited but surprised as not so close to the bride groom, but you would of really liked to of seen you get married as we have been friends for so long and you are so happy for her etc. This should open up a fruitful conversation that may move your friendship into a more supportive context.

Thank you everyone for your lovely congrats and replies!
I have read them all and really appreciate that you are all taking the time to respond.
Tomorrow we are meeting the friends (pre arranged so cannot cancel) and I will give you an update on how we go!
I read all the replies to DH and he is amazed that so many people have had similar issues.

If she acts in a defensive, unpleasant manner from being honest about the invitation. You will know that you are not in a very good friendship with this person, that she treats people badly, and you are a bad fit together. You will be able to move on from the friendship and not waste any more time investing in it.

Just to echo what everyone else said, they do not sound like friends at all. They should have been supporting you with your fertility issues, not making it a competition! We were told it was unlikely we would have children naturally (thankfully they were wrong) but I couldn't have been around anyone who would have made that into a competition, that's not normal.

I have a friend, our DCs are the same age, although hers a is a few months older. She is competitive about everything they do and constantly compares them. Hers has to be the tallest, wear the biggest size clothes, have the biggest feet, be the best etc etc. Unfortunately for her, my DC is actually ahead of hers a bit and gets slightly better marks. She does not like it! I will praise hers and say well done, she just gets a 'look' or doesn't respond positively to a message. It's become quite clear that she doesn't like my DC at all. I've heard hers ask a few times if mine can go to their house for tea and she keeps fobbing it off. It's so obvious she may as well say it to my face so I've distanced myself hugely.

Your friends will be the same, the BF comment was the beginning. They will be comparing all sorts of milestones and theirs will always have ever to be first/better. Been there, it's exhausting and I can't be bothered with this crap.

Don't hint for a wedding invite, take it as a sign that they don't want you there for whatever reason, which shows they are not true friends and that's your excuse to distance yourself.

We had "friends" like this. They were initially really great company, very funny and life and soul. Then they just got boring and totally status conscious. Another friend got pg and she must have rushed her DH up the stairs the and bonked him the minute she heard because her DS was born 10 weeks after theirs. She was a total cunt to other friend throughout the pregnancy by trying to turn the whole thing into a competition. Literally "I'm more pregnant than you because I'm doing X and you're only doing Y". It was ludicrous.

We both had 1 bedroom flats on the market at the same time, we got more for ours and she didn't speak to us for about 2 weeks. Then we both bought 3 bedroom houses. Hers had a separate dining room and she banged on and on AND ON about it and kept saying it made her house worth more. I mentioned the fact mine was detached whereas hers was mid-terrace and she didn't have a converted attic or garage and we did and these things might make ours a little bit more expensive but she refused to listen.

I'm not materialistic and I couldn't care less what people earn/have but they made everything a competition and pretty soon they were totally insufferable and we distanced ourselves from them.

Re the bf comment, very insensitive other comments maybe they'll br less sanctimonious after they've had the baby and realise best laid plans can go awry!

YY to 'frenemies' and competitive lunacy. If they don't invite you to their wedding they are REALLY not friends and I'd freeze them out

So, how did it go user- do you feel li,e some of the issues have been resolved?

Well for a start. I scratch the word "friends" if they've not even invited you to their wedding. And then the cheeky fuckers havd the brass neck to think you're interested and start banging on chatting shitabout it.

It makes no sense for you not to be invited to the wedding

How could they front that out ?

Come back OP and tell us what happened