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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think something weird is going on?

51 replies

yougetme · 25/02/2016 22:01

Dds friend showed their group of mates a whole wad of money when they got together at half term .Im talking well into 3 figures here. She is a normal 15 year old slighty geeky ,swotty type of girl. Not yet into going out at nights except to sleepovers with the rest of the gang.

She says she was given the money by her parents - for valentines day!

Apparently she has previously had a lot of money at times but this is a lot more. She has siblings and her family background is normal working class so not the type to have money to throw around.

I feel very unsettled about this for some reason.

Should I urge Dd to speak to a teacher?

OP posts:
UnhappyNeedHelp · 25/02/2016 23:21

If it isn't CSE then that's obviously great. No harm in mentioning it to the form tutor. In my experience the 'not my business' attitude just enables bad situations to escalate.

HPsauciness · 25/02/2016 23:24

If there is absolutely nothing odd, then I don't find this one thing odd. My children's grandparents like to hand over cash when they give them money, I think it makes them feel it is more substantial and the child is impressed (they don't know I usually whip it off them for safekeeping!) It's in the £100s even in primary/early secondary.

Honestly, what is strange about a nearly adult child having money in cash?! I'm just not getting this one at all.

Helenluvsrob · 25/02/2016 23:27

Op I'm with you. I'd have a degree of concern about this but wouldn't know where to take it either !

£100 cash is a huge amount of money to have in your hand at 15 in our family. But then we don't do cash in hand work etc .

I'm afraid I've also done child sexual exploitation training and suddenly flashing cash and expensive stuff is a big red flag. As an individual parent you don't have a safeguarding lead to discuss it with.

ouryve · 25/02/2016 23:28

My 15yo DN often has several hundred. Combination of birthday and christmas money from several relatives plus pocket money.

Come to think of it, DS1 has over £100 stashed away. He's too asocial to show it to anyone, though.

hesterton · 25/02/2016 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HPsauciness · 25/02/2016 23:31

Ok, having read above, perhaps there is a chance there is something dodgy going on, but doesn't your child have any idea if there's something amiss or perhaps seems a bit odd rather than just the cash? Has the teenager talked with her at all?

I still think having cash is quite common, perhaps that's just me, if money if won (say in betting) or paid cash in hand, having a lot of cash and then giving it to your children sounds quite normal. The garage l used to go to the man was always dealing in cash half the time as a tax dodge.

I would try to inquire more and get a bit more background, I can't imagine reporting this, without some additional info (new older boyfriend, teen going out a lot with different crowd).

NameChanger22 · 25/02/2016 23:56

Maybe she has a bank account which her parents have been paying into for a number of years? Maybe she sold an expensive phone? Maybe her parents earn a lot more than you think? Maybe she's sold her old toys on ebay? Maybe she's started a small business?

I don't think it's that weird; or any of your business.

bertiebuzzard · 26/02/2016 00:04

I've never known anyone give their child a large amount of money for Valentines Confused

Fatmomma99 · 26/02/2016 00:06

I understand why people are saying 'none of your business' and 'it's nothing to do with school', but I also understand your concern and why school would be an appropriate investigator while you would not.

So I would say try and make an appoint to see the head of year and express your concerns, and see what he/she says.

You should also be able to contact your local social services and just tell them about a worry you have (when you ring my local social services [which I often have to do for work] when you get connected and the automated message is giving you options [push one for xxx, two for yyy, etc] and one of those option is "or if you are worried about a child", so you should be able to talk to them anonymously, and they should investigate for you).
But don't expect to ever hear what the outcome is, in either scenario!

Good luck, and good on you for caring.

BreatheandFlyAway · 26/02/2016 00:08

I would tell the school you were concerned that she was bringing large sums of money into school and showing it to people. It is a worry; it makes her vulnerable even if the money is perfectly legit

I agree with this. Tbh as soon as I read OP's post I thought CSE, rightly or wrongly, better to err on the side of helping than "minding your own business". But protect yourself and your DCs by doing through school who are professionals and have resources to deal with or keep eye on.

looki · 26/02/2016 00:08

I think if the girl in question is showing it to her friends, it is because it is not the norm for her surely?

The OP obviously knows the girl's background and I too would be wondering where she got the money from. I also assume it is because the girl is a friend of her own daughter that the OP is the reason she is concerned.

OP I'm not sure if you can do anything really apart from mention it to the girl herself and see what she says to you? I've never heard of a teen been given money for Valentine's day from her parents. If this would cause trouble for your daughter, then I would mention it to the year head of the school and just voice your concern. It is better than sitting on your hands if something untoward is going on and I'm guessing the year head will just keep a closer eye on the girl in question for awhile rather than march her along to a police station or similar!

FreakinScaryCaaw · 26/02/2016 00:09

I think it'd be wise to talk to the school.

Quodlibet · 26/02/2016 00:14

I agree with the previous poster about this making her vulnerable. There are lots of reasons a child could have a large sum of money, but her story doesn't add up - it would raise a red flag for me, as it has for your daughter. Trust your instinct on this one and speak to the school safeguarding lead. It might be inconsequential on its own, but as part of a larger picture it might be significant. Or it might be nothing sinister, in which case no harm done.
I've also done safeguarding training - the 'keep your beak out, might be nothing' school of thought is not helpful and lots of problems go unaddressed because people are too reticent to report information that might be significant.

BreatheandFlyAway · 26/02/2016 00:16

If I was a teen being exploited, I would later thank God for the adult who spotted it and intervened. If it's not that, then no harm done in talking discreetly to school and thank goodness all ok.

gooseberryroolz · 26/02/2016 00:42

What's CSE?

timelytess · 26/02/2016 00:45

This reply has been deleted

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GarlicBake · 26/02/2016 00:45

Child sexual exploitation, gooseberry.

My alarm went off at cash gift for Valentine's Day, too.

Schools have safeguarding people precisely so that worried adults can raise possible concerns. Keeping your nose out makes things very easy for child abusers!

gooseberryroolz · 26/02/2016 00:47

Oh of course, thanks Sad

cleaty · 26/02/2016 00:57

Your DD is concerned. Often we pick up clues that things are not right, even though we can't verbalise why. Mention it to the school.

And children are exploited for a long time sometimes because everyone else ignores the warning signs. If it is innocent, brilliant.

tomatodizzy · 26/02/2016 08:40

If it had been birthday or Christmas I'd think less of it. My kids often get a lot from family but valentine's day Confused. Who gives that kind of money for valentine's? I'm sorry to say but I have also worked with vulnerable children and I always prefer the stick your beak in option. At 15 I was making £15 an hour cash for being an artists model, I could make over 100 in one weekend. In today's money it would be about £30-40 an hour. But I never showed anyone and put the money in the bank. I think that having and showing off that amount does suggest it's not usual for her to have, which hopefully means she's not being exploited.

Katenka · 26/02/2016 08:48

I can understand why you are concerned op. Could be fine, could be a sign something quite awful is going on.

Our secondary has learning managers. That aren't actually anything to do with learning. They are who you speak to if you have worries about your child or another child. Like pastoral care.

Is there anyone like that, that you can talk to at the school?

Helenluvsrob · 26/02/2016 08:48

The trouble with abuse is you don't know what other people involved with the child know

School might join this info to her school work dropping off or a slight, absence increase. Or that her " grandad" has started collecting her from school - but gosh it's only been recently though she's been in th school 3yrs

The police might know she's been reported missing once " but that was OK as she met a friend and was just 3hrs late home but forgot to tell mum "

Add the cash to either of those and you have cause for concern that might be nothing . But it might, just might pull that girl out if a situation before she becomes so manipulated by it she sees it as normal and keeps running gave to it ...

lougle · 26/02/2016 09:18

You're right to talk to school. They do have the means to deal with it, even if it isn't a school matter. What concerns me isn't so much the amount of money -who knows how long it could accumulate over- but that she had it all on her person at one time. That makes her vulnerable to mugging, etc., as well as anything else going on.

OzzieFem · 26/02/2016 09:25

Regardless of how she got the money the fact that she is mentioning and showing it to her friends put her at risk anyway. Friends talk, and someone might attack the girl to get her money when she is on her own.

ohtheholidays · 26/02/2016 09:27

I agree OP just have a word with the school,you could say you were just concerned about her walking around with £500 on her.

It is alot or money for anyone to have on them let alone a 15 year old they're always warning teenagers now about showing expensive phones around in fear that they could be targeted and lots of phones can be blocked and made useless within minutes now the same can't be said for cash.

Even if the money was a gift for him parents I don't think they'd want her walking around with it and showing it to people,it's a lot of money if she lost it or it got stollen.

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