MIL buying pink stuff

[Quodlibet]

Context: DD is 2. MIL is very generous and likes buying clothes etc for her (first grandchild), which I am grateful for. She usually asks if there's anything we need for DD, and mostly has good taste. She also happily buys anything we point out or send her a link to which I am really appreciative of. If left to her own devices she would shop for England and buy us far far more than we possibly need, which we've had to keep in check before as we honestly don't want or need or have room for too much stuff. She has two boys so a girl is a novelty which she is clearly excited about.

I've spent a lot of effort avoiding the pinkification, partly because I can't stand all the pink/blue segregation, partly because I'd rather have unisex clothes that might work for a second child of either sex. I've said lots of times in front of mil that this is how I feel.

However, more recently, she's ONLY been buying us pink stuff. She turns up with eg a coat (I've previously said no please don't buy her any more coats; she has 4 unworn in the drawer two of which you bought her already), and then says 'they only had pink ones left'. Ok, well my thought is: if they only have pink ones left, leave it in the shop. Today she went shopping for pjs for DD (having asked if she was in need of anything, DP said yes please, pjs) and once again, all they had in Central London was these bright pink ones. Bright pink stuff for Xmas. Multipack of pink and white tops earlier in the year (which I just dropped off with the local Salvation Army who collect kids stuff for families who need it).

It's getting frustrating, and I am not sure how to broach it. On one hand I know IABU to turn down gifts, but on the other hand it feels like she is disregarding my wishes on the subject on purpose. As DD gets to an age when she's going to start inevitably getting exposed to the 'pink is for girls' shit at nursery, I'm trying to old back the tide as long as possible. There's only so much quiet giving stuff away I can do without her noticing.

Can I /how do I broach it with MiL? I've asked DP to as he feels the same as me, but he hasn't and probably won't.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Maybe the girls who like pink, against their parents wishes, like it exactly because they were never bought it until they could ask for it themselves. Maybe the novelty is why they want it.

[diddl]

Tell her to stop buying stuff then!

[2kids2dogsandacaravan]

Do we really live in such a throw away society that people are prepared to take perfectly good clothes to a charity shop rather than use them because they don't like the colour? OP you really need to get over yourself and try be a little tiny bit grateful.

On the other side of the coin as a child I was dressed by a feminist mother in 'boy's' clothes. I also had my hair cut very short so was regularly mistaken for a boy. It was mortifying.

[HaPPy8]

If you generally get on with, next time she asks you if she can buy DD something could you suggest all going shopping together for day out? And then maybe you could choose the things together? MIL might enjoy spending the day with your daughter too and it could be win win?

[2rebecca]

I think the throwaway society is the overenthusiastic relatives buying clothes a small child doesn't need and in colours they know the mother doesn't like.
If people buy me clothes I don't like I don't wear them. Thankfully very few people do buy me clothes unless I've asked for something particular.
Don't just buy stuff for the sake of buying stuff.

[BeStrongAndCourageous]

It's always frustrating when people buy stuff that isn't to your taste, especially when you've expressed that taste quite clearly. I have one of each and don't mind what colour they wear as long as it is colour! But no matter I often I explain to well-meaning ILs (who've offered to get clothes for them) that I like them in bright colours, they persist in buying everything in shades of darkness, griege and sludge, because that's their preference.

To my mind they have the rest of their lives to wear drab clothes, and they make them look washed out, but I just smile and thank them and try to appreciate the gesture. The clothes all get worn eventually, they just wouldn't be my (or the kids, tbf) first choice.

[tomatoplantproject]

I get it. I attempted not to dress dd in pink, and then at about the age of 2 thats all she wanted to wear.

Once other life stuff happened the colour of her clothes became the smallest of issues compared to the rest of the shit I was going through, to the extent the next batch of clothes I bought her were pink and glittery which she loved.

She has started to like other colours and then announced this morning at the grand old age of 3.4 that she hates the colour pink. So the pink phase is over for now.

If pink brings pleasure to other people put your ego to one side and enjoy their happiness. It won't last for ever and having a happy mil who loves your family and loves your dd is a treasure. So treasure her and treasure her gifts because they are bought with love.

[HPsauciness]

To the poster dressed in gender neutral clothes, I was also dressed like that in the 1970's with a feminist mum, so I wore lots of brown dungarees and had a bowl haircut. I looked hideous! I was into sequins at an early age, used to look at the lovely dresses in the Argos catalogue and wish I could have those, and have always worn make-up/looked stereotypically feminine. I have no idea if it was a reaction to the earlier stuff, or just I picked up very early on that cute girls in pretty dresses elicited a different reaction than me, but it is incredibly hard to fight against this stuff, and I'm not sure putting girls or boys in very plain clothing with unisex hairstyles achieves that much in the long run.

[HippyPottyMouth]

We get loads of pink, naff, frilly shit from SIL, who loves DD nearly as much as she loves shopping. The worst of it goes straight to a friend who likes it. The odd bit goes in the changing bag for emergencies, so if SIL looks after DD she sees that some of it is still around. Anything we like is praised effusively and lots of cute photos are taken and given to her. When a child is so small, people make interpretations about the parents from what they are wearing, and until DD chooses for herself, I choose how I want people to see her, and, by extension, me. I wouldn't cause a family rift by telling SIL I hate her taste, but I do tell her frequently that DD has more clothes than she could possibly need, which is true. If she still gets pleasure from buying things, I'm not going to take that away from her, but I'm not dressing my child like a novelty loo-roll cover.

[escapedfrommordor]

Just take it, say thanks and then bung it in the charity bag. That's what we do when we get piles of pink, plastic character applique, sequined stuff. She knows I hate it and I won't put my child is something just to appease her. If someone wants to waste their money it's not your problem.

[waxweasel]

OP, I just wanted to say not to worry - your daughter will soon be old enough to express her own opinion on what she wants to wear. And nurseries are so so careful about gender stereotyping now that it isn't a given she'll pick up the whole 'pink is for girls' message. My DD is 2.5 and pretty switched on, but when a little (boy) friend recently said to her 'why have you got blue shoes? Girls don't like blue' she just went looked confused, and said 'I'm a girl and I like blue'.
My mum is similarly generous to your MIL and buys DD loads, but also veers towards the pink and glittery side. It used to bother me when DD was a tiny baby as I resented having to dress her in things I didn't like, have the hassle of returning them, or feel guilty about the waste. But now I don't care as DD just polices it herself - she tells my mum if she doesn't like stuff and my mum changes it. Sometimes she likes pink glittery stuff, sometimes she doesn't. Much less stress when they start having their own views

[Quodlibet]

I have asked her not to buy stuff. I have shown her the drawer full of stuff that DD is not yet wearing, including the 4 coats, and said, she really doesn't need any more clothes. Especially not another coat.
MIL then buys a coat. I then have to either reject the gesture - I expect DP to do this once every while but he never does - or send it back.

Putting the pink issue aside, which seems to be sending people off on a tangent: She often buys things that we've said we don't want without considering whether it is appropriate. She once brought a sand pit and a load of sand here, AFTER several discussions where we'd both said we didn't think it a good idea for various reasons. I did get her to take that back: it was inappropriate, we have a shared garden and can't just be putting sand pits in it without consulting our neighbour (plus I don't want a giant cat toilet in the garden or sand traipsed through the house).

As 2rebecca said, there's a culture of waste that bothers me hugely around children. There are more baby clothes in the world than we could ever use and yet people keep buying more. So many of these things end up barely worn. There is so much plastic tat in the world that is barely played with and filling our houses up. I don't think people's desire to make a nice gesture/love of shopping should come before our responsibility to safeguard the future of our planet by cutting down on this overconsumption and waste. And no, that's not me 'wanting to control my child/everything'.

[Quodlibet]

Sorry - reject the gesture and send it back or grit my teeth and smile politely and put it in the overstuffed cupboard with the other coats.

[Thecatisatwat]

OP, I don't think you're being U at all. The pink issue is a distraction. I didn't mind if people bought dd pink when she was young but I was very clear about no glittery bits and sequins on clothes - said they were a pain to wash and I was worried about sequins buggering up the washing machine.

I think the key is to let your children have clothes of all different colours so no one colour dominates.

TBF my family were never a problem with clothes because my mum always worried about sizes being wrong so never bought them. In fact my mum is great about this, if dd can't come up with something she really wants for Christmas or birthday (and us parents have to ok it) my parents give money and choc. My dad is a bit of a pain about books, he often rings me up to tell me about fantastic offers in the bloody Book People. These days I just say that dd's bookshelf is nearly full/she's not interested in that particular series/she's already got them etc. and it's fine. MIL seems to just give dd useless tat that she's unearthed from her cupboards which goes discretely in the bin when dd isn't looking.

If you've already told her you don't need anything else I haven't got a clue what you can do really, maybe tell her you genuinely have no more room so make her take it back and hand it to her as she leaves the house?

(As an aside, does anyone else get completely pissed off when MN tries to correct the word colour? I get an irrational urge to shout 'Fuck off this is a British website'.)

[Thecatisatwat]

But it completely ignores the whole discrete/discreet mistake.

[GreenishMe]

I sometimes think the anti-pink, anti-gender sterotyping obsession is a bit of a contradiction in itself. To me it seems to send the message that being female is somehow less desirable than being male.

Yes, there are some who would object to their DS's being given blue clothes but it doesn't raise the same level of disdain as pink for a girl does.

Why should we/our DDs conform to the attitude that we must make ourselves appear less female to be more successful? Where's the equality in that? It's just another form of pandering to Man....yet again.

[TheOddity]

It is pretty hard to find none pink stuff in main stream shops and she is probably choosing the cutest thing rather than worrying about the colour. Send it to me! I love all the cute little pink stuff after being stuck with sludge colours for DS first time round!

[ouryve]

I think that next time she brings along something unasked for, you need to tell her very firmly, thank you for your generosity, but we neither need nor want this and it is not to my taste. Please return it.

[ouryve]

Green - the problem isn't the colour itself, but the saturation. Some shops are getting better, but many are still a sea of pink. Not pink and blue and red and brown and green all in equal measure, like you get with boys' clothes. Just umpteen shades of pink with everything else put together having much less floor space. Then there's the ridiculous situation of having toys that come in a brightly coloured version and a pink version - the pink version almost always ends up in the sale in vast quantities. It's also telling that there's always far more racks of "girl" clothes than "boy" clothes in end of season sales, even in the few shops with comparable sized ranges.

[70isaLimitNotaTarget]

My PIL sent Barbara Cartland pink that smelled of ciggie smoke.
Boak and Boak on both levels.

No point asking for a swap of a reciept.( and she knew I don't like pink on my DD anyway, so she was being a tad PA)

I washed it and recycled it where possible but TBH, most of it was too smokey to salvage

[Rosti1981]

I get you too. Yes it's just a colour, but it's not at the same time as all the 'girl' clothes are flowery, princesses, butterflies etc. I always bought DD clothes from both sections, and do the same now I have a DS. Which is handy, actually, as some of the more pink clothes we were bought for DD have made a reappearance for my son too. It's lovely and generous that grandparents want to buy clothes, but that doesn't mean they get free reign over something as important as gender identity either. Personally I'd do a mixture of asking her to swap some of the things or pass on to a neighbour/charity shop, keep reiterating that you are keen to embrace all the colours/toys/things not just pink, for all children (whilst also being grateful for the gifts), and buy mostly gender neutral clothes/toys myself to provide some balance.

[Rosti1981]

Oh and if/when your child expresses a preference him/herself for a colour then yes, you should totally go with that. But all pink for a girl before she decides that is or isn't what she wants for herself isn't actually as innocent or simple as "pink is just a colour".

[Rosti1981]

And finally, in total agreement with 2becca's comme t above. It isn't a throwaway culture if you are passing things on to charity or a friend - that would be chucking them in the bin, surely?!

[Alligatorpie]

Op I feel your pain. My mil and stepM both buy ridiculous pink, glittery, frilly clothes for both my dd's. It took me a while to be OK with passing it on, but now I am fine with it. I have told ( and now dd1 tells them) what we like, but they keep buying what they like.
I am grateful to have loving gps in the picture but It is a waste of their money if they keep buying this stuff as it doesn't get worn.

[gotthemoononastick]

OP,this too shall pass.The 'cute' factor stops in clothes after about age three.

Granny who struggled with home made clothes when she had her own children and has disposable income now, can only wonder at the lovely things available and is easily seduced because she love,love,loves your gorgeous toddler.

My gay great nephew has just bought two puppies (GIRLS!)Can't wait to browse the doggy tutus before they grow too old!