MIL buying pink stuff

[Quodlibet]

Context: DD is 2. MIL is very generous and likes buying clothes etc for her (first grandchild), which I am grateful for. She usually asks if there's anything we need for DD, and mostly has good taste. She also happily buys anything we point out or send her a link to which I am really appreciative of. If left to her own devices she would shop for England and buy us far far more than we possibly need, which we've had to keep in check before as we honestly don't want or need or have room for too much stuff. She has two boys so a girl is a novelty which she is clearly excited about.

I've spent a lot of effort avoiding the pinkification, partly because I can't stand all the pink/blue segregation, partly because I'd rather have unisex clothes that might work for a second child of either sex. I've said lots of times in front of mil that this is how I feel.

However, more recently, she's ONLY been buying us pink stuff. She turns up with eg a coat (I've previously said no please don't buy her any more coats; she has 4 unworn in the drawer two of which you bought her already), and then says 'they only had pink ones left'. Ok, well my thought is: if they only have pink ones left, leave it in the shop. Today she went shopping for pjs for DD (having asked if she was in need of anything, DP said yes please, pjs) and once again, all they had in Central London was these bright pink ones. Bright pink stuff for Xmas. Multipack of pink and white tops earlier in the year (which I just dropped off with the local Salvation Army who collect kids stuff for families who need it).

It's getting frustrating, and I am not sure how to broach it. On one hand I know IABU to turn down gifts, but on the other hand it feels like she is disregarding my wishes on the subject on purpose. As DD gets to an age when she's going to start inevitably getting exposed to the 'pink is for girls' shit at nursery, I'm trying to old back the tide as long as possible. There's only so much quiet giving stuff away I can do without her noticing.

Can I /how do I broach it with MiL? I've asked DP to as he feels the same as me, but he hasn't and probably won't.

[SerenityReynolds]

We had the same as Duchess. I never bought much pink stuff for DD1, because it's simply not to my taste. I had no issues with her wearing pink or "girly" stuff that was passed on or gifted to us. She hit 2.5 and suddenly refused to wear anything that wasn't pink - cue me having to buy a load of cheap pink tops and leggings so we didn't have a half hour meltdown about getting dressed every day . Your MIL sounds lovely, and as pp's have said, probably overcompensating for never getting to buys girl's stuff before. Accept it gracefully, dress your DD in it when you see her. Soon your DD will be expressing preferences about what SHE will and will not wants to wear. That might be all sparkles and butterflies and you'll just have to deal with it. Or it might not be, and then you can actually say to MIL that "she really likes this, that and the other, if you could find something like that, she'd love it"

[Cleebope]

I think you sound fun, Laura! Hate it when mil ignores what I say! Also hate money spent unnecessarily op, so I agree with you. Couldn't care less about the pink though. Your baby will soon have a mind of her own. Sell the surplus on gumtree and spend it on a nice day out.

[Laura280315]

Nananina I have two sons which my mil tells me on a regular basis that I'm raising wrong, she changes things in my house without permission after letting herself in and walking in on my while I shower, she wakes my 10m old twins up so she can have a cuddle and then leaves me alone to deal with the aftermath, she tells me that I have no say in anything regarding finances because I don't work ( still on ml) and earn a full wage so she has more of a say on how her sons money is spent and she also tell me that If I wasn't the mother of DH children she would make him get rid of me, I must add I've never been unkind to her I just gave up trying to please her and now do what i think is best regarding my family

[Headofthehive55]

Why you so obsessed with not buying pink? It's just a colour! My DS went round in a pink pram.

Lots of people buy presents that perhaps aren't quite to your taste. You do not have a superior taste, just different that's all. Part of the enjoyment of giving, is the choosing of the gift I think. My mil buys pjs for our children every Xmas, and I won't be drawn on what colour design I would like. I want her to choose them, which gives her pleasure, the children get pleasure from wearing a gift from gran, and I get pleasure from knowing my kids are loved. I really have no opinion on the type of pjs. It's really not important.

[InTheTeapot]

Exchange them.

[fuzzpig]

I don't like the whole pinkification thing either, with toys and clothes. I also mostly avoid buying character clothes except at Christmas. I still think YABU though, as IME it really doesn't matter.

DD had lots of pretty ever so girly clothes when she was little, lots of character stuff too, and still (she's nearly 9) the clothes she gets from relatives tend to be quite frilly etc, but she is so much her own person and no item of clothing will ever change who she is. She has some pink clothes and pretty dresses which she loves wearing to dance class, she really loves blue though and black looks amazing on her.

Really I think as long as when DD is old enough to pick her own clothes you just let her have freedom, she will find her own 'style' IYSWIM. I remember when DD was 5 and at a party, another mum went up to DH and actually had a go at him for the way DD was dressed in clothes that didn't match. I mean WTF (I posted about it at the time and the consensus was that IWNBU! :o) She very much had a signature look then - leggings, frilly skirt, long sleeved tee with a short sleeved one over the top, all in insanely bright colours usually. She's never given a toss what anyone thinks of her clothes, and why should she, she is happy and comfortable!

Sorry I've gone off on a tangent but basically I think in the nicest possible way - chill, because it's really not a big deal unless you make it into one. :)

[Quodlibet]

Only1scoop it's not me being forward. She'll say eg 'have you seen anything in the January sales you think DD would like?' Which, as I said in the OP, is wonderful and generous and we are very very grateful for it. She knows we don't have a lot of disposable income, and she is comfortably off, and she is doing a lovely thing to help us out.

Lolling at 'potato in a ball gown'.

I am quite willing to accept I am being U, and definitely very very aware of how lucky we are - this is a 'diamond shoes are too tight' problem and I am grateful for the reminder of that.

I think as other posters have said, it's more a problem of being bought stuff that we don't like, and won't really use. If it wasn't pink clothes and it was ornaments or crockery or sports equipment or pictures or something then some of the issues would it be different?

[jollyfrenchy]

I personally don't have any issue with pink, my girls wore plenty of it and now prefer black... However, colour aside, I think most clothes these days are very much "girls" or "boys" in terms of all the girls stuff has little frills/bows/flowers and all the boys stuff has diggers. I had what I thought were plain white T-shirts that I could pass on to third child DS but when I put them on they looked weird on him because they had that tiny frilly bit round the neck. Apart from newborn, very few clothes are "unisex".

BUT I do get the frustration of being bought potentially expensive things you don't want or need. Maybe this is a different situation but for me, money's fairly tight, and so if someone was spending £30 for example on a coat I didn't need I would wish I had that money to spend on the gas bill/toys/books/other things that I or my child actually want or need. The people who say "just give it to charity" obviously have enough money not to worry about it, but to me a £30 coat given to charity is like throwing away £30 that would have been mine.

[Quodlibet]

Ewearehere that's exactly it. I need a tactful way of channelling her generosity in a more practical and less wasteful direction that still gives her pleasure.

I don't think it's unreasonable of me to give unwanted and not-needed clothes to the Samaritans. This wasn't a special gift, it was supermarket multipacks that MiL picked up with her weekly shop but which we had masses of already. I live in an area where Kids Company had just folded and there are a lot of local families on their arses as a result who could do with them more than me.

[Jux]

I kept dd out of pink for as long as I could but the time came when that was what she wanted. A friend had told me it would happen and there's nothing one can do about. At some point, girls will want the pink stuff.

My own belief is that you just have to go with it, and get the pink stuff. DD grew out of it eventually, and is now a goth, and is usually found in black.

[Quodlibet]

Yes jollyfrenchy that expensive but not needed frustration is spot on.

[Quodlibet]

Jux I am aware that that will likely happen. But we aren't there yet, so while we aren't there and DD isn't enthused by pink stuff (she does like stuff with tigers or robots or crabs on!) let's have more of that which is more useful and versatile!

[SoddingPufflers]

It's just a colour. They don't care!!!

[Quodlibet]

Laura yes there is an element of that. MIL has many wonderful qualities, but is used to being in charge in her family and has disregarded/ignored things that both SIL and I have said on occasion. Some of these are small inconsequential things but others have caused friction. I do feel like there's an element to it where she has heard what I've said, decided I am silly and ignored me.

Other posters: I am not 'obsessed' with pink, I have not banned it, I buy her the odd thing pink/gendered thing myself if I like it, I know pink won't harm her, I do not dress in men's shops. I just don't want to end up in the situation my sister was in where she had a son after a daughter and had boxes and boxes and boxes and boxes of clothes that she had to give away and start all over again because it was all girly stuff. And on that note, if I want pink stuff, I have mountains of it available from my sister's hand-me-downs already. So buying more is doubly wasteful.

[GreenishMe]

As Salem points out, between yourself and your MIL your DD will have a balanced range of colours in her wardrobe so I can't really see much of a problem with it.

Tbh I don't get the 'pretend there's no difference between girls and boys' thing. There are some differences and what's wrong with it?

It's not the colour of childrens' clothing that visually segregates girls from boys and vice-versa, it's the style of their hair that does it.

I doubt many anti-pink/anti-blue obsessed parents would give their DD a number 3 haircut or put their DS in pigtails to prove how strongly they feel.

[SuckingEggs]

Who gives a flying fuck about a child being given clothes of a certain hue? Seriously?!

If you judge people by a colour, well, you're being hypocritical. Come on, who thinks less of a woman if she's in pink? I defy anyone to tell my OH he can't wear pink or tell my daughter that she must be unisex. FFS. Her brain operates the same regardless of the colour of her coat.

Just give the stuff to charity. It's just a colour.

[SuckingEggs]

Post was aimed at all the pink phobics.

Christ, the irony of the anti pink stuff

[gandalf456]

I don't get the pink thing either. I just went with it and she grew out of it. Hates pink now. I was always of the mindset that they were her clothes and so it was her view on them that was more important (so long as weather and activity appropriate ). I was the Same with toys too and bought stuff I thought was crap because she liked them.

If I'd done the pink thing, I'd be making some kind of sociological point that would be impossible for a child to understand and it would be about me not her. I have a bit of a thing about using very adult views through children

[RosyCat]

Soon your DD will be at the age she will choose her own clothes anyway. So the sooner you get used to having less control over what she wears the easier it will be to come to terms with that.

[Quodlibet]

Suckingeggs Cordelia Fine says it much more eloquently than me and with a lot of very robust evidence, but actually I think that it's more complicated than that. Being expected to conform to gender roles over a number of years does change the wiring of your brain, what you think your life possibilities are and what you are capable of. And the very overtly gendered pink/blue trend that starts at birth is part and parcel of that problem. (There's a very famous experiment for example that shows how people talk differently to the same baby when it is dressed in a blue babygro to when it's in a pink one, encouraging and praising different behaviour based on its perceived gender). This isn't the debate I'm trying to start here but it's not as simple as you declare it to be.

[Quodlibet]

Sorry - Cordelia Fine: Delusions of Gender is the book.

[2rebecca]

I'd make clear to her that you don't want any more pink stuff and would rather she bought nothing than bought something pink. I'd discourage her from buying clothes in general though. Just say no thanks if she asks if you need clothes. Tell her children grow quickly and you don't need any more clothes and to save her money for when she's older and needs stuff.

[CockwombleJeff]

You are totally unreasonable.

Your attitude is really distasteful.

[2rebecca]

I think avoiding gender stereotyping is quite important so was quite forceful in the no pink for my daughter and often dressed her in her older brother's blue stuff as many women wear blue and it's more unisex.

[DiscoGlitter]

Not read all the replies, so sorry if I'm repeating anything here.
I genuinely don't get the whole pink angst.
I get the whole MIL disregarding what you want thing believe me but I think this is totally something that is a pick your battles if you want to keep sane.
So what if she wants to buy pink?
You thank nicely. "Aw thankyou, that's very nice of you."
Then either dress your dd in it or ditch at the back of the wardrobe and only wheel out for when she comes round visiting. Or say she does wear but hasn't for a while