MIL buying pink stuff

[Quodlibet]

Context: DD is 2. MIL is very generous and likes buying clothes etc for her (first grandchild), which I am grateful for. She usually asks if there's anything we need for DD, and mostly has good taste. She also happily buys anything we point out or send her a link to which I am really appreciative of. If left to her own devices she would shop for England and buy us far far more than we possibly need, which we've had to keep in check before as we honestly don't want or need or have room for too much stuff. She has two boys so a girl is a novelty which she is clearly excited about.

I've spent a lot of effort avoiding the pinkification, partly because I can't stand all the pink/blue segregation, partly because I'd rather have unisex clothes that might work for a second child of either sex. I've said lots of times in front of mil that this is how I feel.

However, more recently, she's ONLY been buying us pink stuff. She turns up with eg a coat (I've previously said no please don't buy her any more coats; she has 4 unworn in the drawer two of which you bought her already), and then says 'they only had pink ones left'. Ok, well my thought is: if they only have pink ones left, leave it in the shop. Today she went shopping for pjs for DD (having asked if she was in need of anything, DP said yes please, pjs) and once again, all they had in Central London was these bright pink ones. Bright pink stuff for Xmas. Multipack of pink and white tops earlier in the year (which I just dropped off with the local Salvation Army who collect kids stuff for families who need it).

It's getting frustrating, and I am not sure how to broach it. On one hand I know IABU to turn down gifts, but on the other hand it feels like she is disregarding my wishes on the subject on purpose. As DD gets to an age when she's going to start inevitably getting exposed to the 'pink is for girls' shit at nursery, I'm trying to old back the tide as long as possible. There's only so much quiet giving stuff away I can do without her noticing.

Can I /how do I broach it with MiL? I've asked DP to as he feels the same as me, but he hasn't and probably won't.

[momtothree]

I never wanted wither DD to be dressed like Barbie - it's hideous !!

No grown woman would be taken seriously dress in pink glitter and frills - little girls should be dressed like kids not like "cutesy" dolls

[GreenishMe]

I think avoiding gender stereotyping is quite important so was quite forceful in the no pink for my daughter and often dressed her in her older brother's blue stuff as many women wear blue and it's more unisex.

Why did your DS have blue stuff then??

...and what is wrong with being openly female?

[dodobookends]

No grown woman would be taken seriously dressed in pink glitter and frills

If a grown adult wore bright green shorts and a t-shirt with a cartoon brontosaurus on it they wouldn't be taken all that seriously either, would they?

[HPsauciness]

The problem is severalfold.

Pink clothes are often cheaper (big supermarket stuff) than genuinely unisex colours- trying to find decent yellow or green clothes without a flower on them is very unlikely unless you pay quite a lot of money and shop in niche shops.

Also, once many little girls get to 2/3 then being a girl suddenly becomes a huge deal, and identifying yourself as one, and with other girls is easy because it's so colour coded in our society. I hated it too, but there's no way around it in the UK, where the colour coding is much more pronounced than in my husband's mainland European country. So, if you try to steer them away from the pink, it's confusing and they then want pink more and more, as everywhere they go, there's a thing easily labelled 'for you' by its colour.

The good thing is it passes! My girls are older now and rarely wear pink, usually jeans, leggings, tops of all colours. They are not anti-pink though, sometimes they do wear it, but bright pink is a symbol of little girls to them so wearing it is seen as a bit babyish.

I wouldn't fight the trend, if you don't have much money, just take the clothes, I would also say 'thanks, this is lovely, I'm also looking for brown/green trousers, so if you see any let me know'. But if you don't have the cash, then this free clothing is ace!

[GreenishMe]

dodo

[Misty9]

Op, I totally get where you're coming from - and I recommend "beyond pink and blue parenting" as a similar book. Luckily, my mil seems to have taken on board my subtle hints not so her mother sadly and we get plastic tat instead

My nearly 2yo dd loves pink, and dinosaurs. Sainsburys have just brought out a pink dinosaur range and we're both ecstatic! I'm happy with pink, just not the subliminal messages of most pink clothes for toddlers - 'cute/pretty like mummy' etc.

[Crabbitface]

So what in your opinion are unisex colours? Surely if you agree that gendered colours for kids is bullshit then you won't care if your second child wears pink regardless of their genitals.

[timelytess]

OP, I mean this nicely. Get over it.

[tangerinesarenottheonlyfruit]

OP I get you - and of course you're not being unreasonable to not want your DD to be dressed in pink frills, if it's not what you want for her. You even have well-researched ideas that it may even be limiting to her, so please don't cave in and "accept" you're being unreasonable as a few people here say so.

But, you have posted this in AIBU so you are going to get people having a pop at you.

Ignore them!

Back to your issue, you do need to communicate to MIL that you don't like pink. Then, anything she does give you, don't be ashamed to give it away.

JoJo Maman Bebe are doing an appeal for clothes, and they will donate them to refugee children in Syria or vulnerable families in the UK and Ireland. (You make up whole outfits to donate, not just give a bag of old stuff). here

Why not do something like that with the pink stuff you don't want? The JoJo Maman Bebe appeal ends next week sometime I think, but there are other places you can donate stuff of course!

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

OP you're losses off that MIL is not listening to you not because of the pink thing and I can totally see it
Problem is because she's buying you so many stuff she feels she has the right to do what she wants, typical MIL behaviour ...

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

"pissed off" not "losses" autocomplete shit again

[PitilessYank]

It is always most kind to give a gift that reflects understanding of and respect for the values of the recipient. This is where the OP's MIL is falling short. I hope that when I get older I still am mindful enough to choose gifts that way as opposed to foisting things on people for my own pleasure/amusement/satisfaction.

My sister and her wife asked for gender-neutral gifts when their daughter was born, and even though I must admit I rolled my eyes a bit, I followed that when I gave gifts. Now that their daughter has gotten to an age where she can express her preference, it has been for lots of pink, and they are allowing it. But I did want to show respect for their values.

[Bambalina]

Not RTFT, but I get your point and angst. Our MIL lives across the planet from us, and has bought and posted pink toys, pink dolls, pink girly clothes. I've tried to look at it as just very different tastes, which i think you would likely get with family anyway. Personally I am very grateful we have as many clothes as we do, and that she goes to the trouble she does to post at these massively expensive post costs. And it means that there are LOADS of clothes for messy play too!!
The disregarding of wishes is the main grating thing though. And I don't think YABU to feel annoyed at that

[StAlphonsosPancakeBreakfast]

YANBU at all but good luck with that here, where you'll be told pink is just a colour and that everyone else's MIL buys their DD coal with razor blades in it and you don't know you're born.

[Katenka]

Sorry op I think Yabu.

Avoiding pink is the same as banning it making an issue out of it.

I have a girl and a boy. Dd had loads of pink clothes. Some I bought some other people bought. I also thought she looked fab in t-shirts from the boys section and now as a nearly teen she look in there herself now.

Those pink clothes got used by ds too. Some were 'girlie' he didn't care. A lot of these clothes then went to my nephew and now being worn by my niece.

Dds favourite colour is now blue.

She is buying your presents and you are getting pissed off. Either tell her you don't need anything or accept the gifts with good grace.

My mum buys my kids clothes. To the point I have to send a load back as we have no room. It's often barely worn, but grown out of. So it goes away for another of her grandchildren. She works for a catalogue and gets a huge discount and picks stuff up in the sale, so doesn't spend much.

I don't like all of it. But I say thank you.

There should be no issue around pink. At all. It's a colour. It's for everyone.

[oldjacksscrote]

If she's buying the clothes, then there is no reason to need unisex as I'm sure if you go on to have a boy she'll be filling up the draws with blue clothes for him.
I'd just be happy she's being so generous, we've had nothing for our new baby from MIL.

I'm sure the charities will more than appreciate all the donations of anything that's unwanted.

[NerrSnerr]

From my experience of having a mum who avoided pink at all costs (I don't think my dad cared what colours we wore) I would be very mindful at how you approach it when older. I used to pretend I preferred the gender neutral stuff because I thought I was somehow weaker or silly if I wanted the pink or glittery stuff. I did also look down on girls who wore pink and I feel bad for that.

I am assuming Rebecca who said she avoids gendered stuff for her daughter by dressing her in her brother's blue hand me downs is joking? She has to be surely?

[newyear16]

Money has always been tight for us and I would have loved to have been given ANY clothes for my dd. Sadly she has no grandparents and none of my frienda or siblings ever bought her clothes.

[ImogenTubbs]

I think it's impossible to avoid gender stereotyping completely and I have become a lot more relaxed about pinkification. (DD is 2.5yo and loves pink although her favourite colour is purple) MIL buys pink shit and I just accept graciously.

What I have no tolerance for is anyone suggesting DD can't or shouldn't do things because she's a girl, or the awful ideas DD seems to have picked up from nursery / Peppa Pig about boys being smelly and naughty and girls being nice.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter whether DD is wearing khaki combats or a princess dress - what matters is her confidence and how she treats people.

[MrsUnderwood]

I've got a 3 year old and most of the clothes she's been given haven't been pink because I've been quite vocal about preferring other colours.

If you go look at, say, H&M kids clothes, the gender difference is huge- the girl's section is overwhelmingly pastels, sequins, frills and kittens, whilst the boys is bold colours and features themes like dinosaurs and rockets and astronauts. I think it really does send a message as what society expects of both genders- girls are cute and decorative, boys are tough and actiony and into science and adventure. My mum got my DD some brilliant astronaut PJs from there- boy's section, of course. All the girl's stuff featured was fucking Elsa.

[pollyblack]

I remember having this frustration too. But then i though people were just being kind and all you have to do is put the stuff in a drawer for a while then the charity shop bag. My relative still buys my much older children clothes we don't like, we just say thanks then either keep if ok or put in charity bag. She enjoys buying them, she doesn't consider what we like so that's the end of it.

[AutumnLeavesArePretty]

It's a colour, do you ban blue for boys too?

Stop asking for things and buy your own, sending email links snd saying yes she needs x every time they ask is rather cheeky and a little two faced. You don't want to spend your money but happy for her to if she meets your demands.

[Buckinbronco]

Actually I was all ready to say yabu but although I'm not keen on pink (only like bright colours) i try to accept gifts and just shove them away. But I Really don't like pink coats and 4 is ridiculous

[MumOnTheRunCatchingUp]

Lol at how much thought, effort and time which op has put into this non issue!

Really!?! Op, you have no control over other people. Your 'control' over your child is threatened and you don't like it....

[tobysmum77]

DD1 did this after my anti-pinkification campaign. It lasted about two years and she wouldn't be seen dead in pink thereafter. DD2, who wore much more pink as a baby, and is actually much girlier generally, never had a strong preference for pink and also rejected it from about 6 onwards.

I've never really cared about pink and with 2 girls I have a house full of barbies (now I DO have an issue with them), glittery dressing up clothes and other pink plastic crap. Obviously we also have other toys Guess what dd1 (6) has totally rejected it all and dd2 (4) is starting to. I think they latch onto the 'girls stuff' at the age they notice there is a difference between girls and boys as it is identity. Then later they find their own way.