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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to continuously fob off a friend who wants to stay for an extra few nights

66 replies

Putty · 25/02/2016 16:27

So, a friend has asked to come and visit for a few nights. She and her family (husband & two kids) come to visit about twice or three times a year since returning from a long stint abroad, which is fine. But I find that two nights is really more than enough. They have family nearby, who can’t/won’t put them up, so they like to combine their visit to family with a stay at ours. Up until now, we always had hardly any space, and it served as a good excuse really, as you can’t spend more than a few nights stepping over people on the living room floor in the morning. But we moved recently and now we have two guest bedrooms (well, one is a study with a pull out bed, but you get the gist). This friend has now suggested that since we have the space, they stay a few extra nights. I fobbed her off by saying that we are probably going to be going away. But I can tell she is building up to asking if they can stay on in my house if we aren’t there!! I love having guests, and have had several weeks of almost constant visitors. Most I’m sad to see go, and wish they could stay longer, but in this case, I’m just dreading it.

OP posts:
ToadsforJustice · 25/02/2016 19:29

I wouldn't let them stay at all. What if you agree to two nights and then they won't leave?

Putty · 25/02/2016 19:56

Lots of great, honest advice here, thanks! CubicZirconia has hit a couple of nails on the head there. I guess I default into good hostess mode. I enjoy it with all of our other friends, I can’t really help it, and to be honest, they have got used to it, it would be pretty obvious if I suddenly stopped doing cooked breakfasts and cracking open wine at dinner. It’s not her fault, and she is not really taking advantage, although it is pretty obvious that she sees it as being convenient (actually she has said as much. It’s one of her good qualities, her bluntness…) She knows I love houseguests, and it never arose as an issue with her and her family because she lived far away. However, she doesn’t stay with her family because they said firmly from the outset that they have no room. I know it’s actually because her brother in law cannot bear them, and they have previous form for outstaying their welcome, in some cases by several months.

I’m far from a saint, but thanks for suggesting it some posters, cheques in post! ;) if I were I wouldn’t have got into this mud through laziness/fear and would have been more honest with her from the outset. I remember a combination of being both genuinely touched and totally bewildered when she asked me to be a bridesmaid twenty something years ago, and should have nipped it in the bud there and then, but it was different time, we were much younger, and there were lots of weddings and lots of bridesmaiding going on. And actually she was an easier person then, we were closer to having something in common, like school or whatever.

OP posts:
Chocolatteaddict1 · 25/02/2016 20:05

Maybe op she knows how you feel. It's just too convienient and cheap to pass up. Two or three visits a year With husband and two kids! She is taking the piss.

Putty · 25/02/2016 20:08

Horton, she considers herself “practically family” and has said as much, despite my wimpy declarations otherwise. She genuinely seems to think we are "BFFs". This is why it’s so difficult. And why I should smarten up my act on this. She is not a bad person, in fact she can be very kind. It's probably not as black and white as it has come across here.

I don’t go and stay with them. I don’t really contact them unless they contact me. I tend to use those worn phrases like “I’m crap at keeping in touch” “just being sooo busy!” etc. I send Christmas cards, and that's about it. There really is a teflon wall where this woman’s understanding of hints and social cues should be. Meanwhile, I avoid confrontation and am a wimp. The combination is a disaster!

OP posts:
CubicZirconiaBossyBabe · 25/02/2016 20:14

a lot of people genuinely are rubbish at correspondence and keeping in touch in between the big catch-ups. If you are saying that this is you, why would she disbelieve you?

I don't think it sounds like she's being rubbish at picking up social cues, it really does sound like you are acting the part of a genuine friend.

And of course its not black or white. You both sound like decent enough people. It's just that….. you're not her friend and you're playing her friend and you're not happy that she's taking that at face value.

It needs to stop for both your sakes. Don't ask me how, I've not cracked the fine art of casualty free defriending

has anyone?

Very worst thing to do though is let it go on until one day you let it all spew out in an unplanned way, and you'll feel shit for doing it and she'll be hurt.

thebiscuitindustry · 25/02/2016 20:21

a lot of people genuinely are rubbish at correspondence and keeping in touch in between the big catch-ups. If you are saying that this is you, why would she disbelieve you?

Yes, this.

Not being in touch for some time doesn't mean you don't want to be friends with someone. It could mean things have come up which you don't want to discuss.

I've recently been cut off by a friend of many years, perhaps because I wasn't in touch for a few months for unrelated valid reasons, or maybe she hasn't actually liked me for years...?! Confused

So I think you need to be honest and straightforward with her, so at least she knows where she stands. No-one likes to be dumped as a friend but I'd rather someone didn't just keep dropping hints (I don't take hints very well as I tend to take things at face value).

DrSeussRevived · 25/02/2016 20:28

Agree with the previous two posters - I'm trying to arrange to meet a very good friend who has been back from another continent for 9 months... We are both generally crap at organising but neither of us means that as "not really friends"

CrockedPot · 25/02/2016 20:31

YANBU. You say firmly 'you can stay for two days but we are going away on XXX so you'll need to make arrangements for after that' and then distance yourselves - they sound like piss takers and you sound like you just don't like them that much anymore.

eddielizzard · 25/02/2016 20:37

it's how she behaves when she's with you though. she's messy, makes no effort to help, doesn't contribute any food or wine and her moany whiny dh doesn't shut up. not much fun really. she's treating you like a hotel. a free one. i'm not surprised she wants to stay for longer.

she may view you as her bff but she sure doesn't treat you like one!

HortonWho · 26/02/2016 12:11

Well if you know her own family won't allow her to stay because she takes the piss - than man up woman Grin and get your DH to tell her a firm "no, there's no room". She can argue all she wants and point out you had 20 people sleep over last week and you just repeat, sorry there is no room.

lorelei9 · 26/02/2016 12:17

Horton, why should OP get her DH to say it? It's her friend, not his?

Whitney168 · 26/02/2016 12:18

I don't understand why you're accepting any nights from someone that you don't seem to like much, and who to all intents and purposes seems to be using you for free accommodation?

Unless you are better friends than this post implies, just say no to it all.

paxillin · 26/02/2016 13:36

So here is an idea to help you tell her not to come at all:

Imagine I pmed you and asked could I come please, with dh and 2 kids. You do dinner and unlike your other non-friend I'll bring wine. I also have a lovely husband who is good company, again unlike the other non- friend.

You would never say yes to that. Why say yes to her, she's no friend either. Don't worry about the time of acquaintance, most of us have known our GP or postie for ages and they don't come. Find the back bone.

Zazedonia · 26/02/2016 13:39

We've had this to - the friends just saw us as a cheap holiday, and surprise surprise weren't keen when we suggested staying with them one time. If you're not enjoying the experience, just say no, you need your own space after a couple of days.

Putty · 23/03/2016 17:02

Just an update. They came last weekend and it was fine. The first evening, I announced that I have started a two night rule because I have too many visitors and can no longer keep up with my own life. My friend said, "Oh, I was going to ask if we could stay the whole week, but I can see that you have had enough people." So it was absolutely fine. Later that evening, I was acutely aware that I was being a doormat as they sat and watched/talked as I bought, prepared and washed up (dishwasher on the blink), and there was a comedy moment when I brought out a jug of tapwater instead of the usual wine-on-tap and one of their party slipped out to buy some. Before they left, I asked for some help taking the sheets off and got their eldest daughter to empty their bathroom bin, so I think we all are on an upward learning curve. Next time they visit, I will insist on takeaways every night, and splitting the bill. And afterwards I will put a drying up cloth in everybody's hands. All the niggles aside, we had a pleasant time, and I was reminded that my friend actually is quite a funny, warm person whose company I enjoy. Thanks for your advice mumsnetters!

OP posts:
Creampastry · 23/03/2016 17:20

Well done for growing some balls!

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