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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to continuously fob off a friend who wants to stay for an extra few nights

66 replies

Putty · 25/02/2016 16:27

So, a friend has asked to come and visit for a few nights. She and her family (husband & two kids) come to visit about twice or three times a year since returning from a long stint abroad, which is fine. But I find that two nights is really more than enough. They have family nearby, who can’t/won’t put them up, so they like to combine their visit to family with a stay at ours. Up until now, we always had hardly any space, and it served as a good excuse really, as you can’t spend more than a few nights stepping over people on the living room floor in the morning. But we moved recently and now we have two guest bedrooms (well, one is a study with a pull out bed, but you get the gist). This friend has now suggested that since we have the space, they stay a few extra nights. I fobbed her off by saying that we are probably going to be going away. But I can tell she is building up to asking if they can stay on in my house if we aren’t there!! I love having guests, and have had several weeks of almost constant visitors. Most I’m sad to see go, and wish they could stay longer, but in this case, I’m just dreading it.

OP posts:
Putty · 25/02/2016 17:24

You are right xmasbaby, I am a shit friend to this girl. I guess there is more to it than the just staying too long bit. I have never had the guts to just tell her that we aren't really on the same page. They lived in the USA for pretty much twenty years, so I was able to just avoid the issue.

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 25/02/2016 17:25

Putty, you don't sound a shit friend, but it sounds like you never wanted to have The Conversation and with the location I can understand you don't have to.

eddielizzard · 25/02/2016 17:30

sounds to me like you've made quite an effort for a long time and you've reached your limit.

i think it's fine to say 2 nights max. up to her if she wants to take the hump. hell, even her own family don't let her stay Grin

bornwithaplasticspoon · 25/02/2016 17:34

Blimey, I start to get twitchy when someone comes for coffee and stays more than an hour or two. You're a SAINT having them for the two nights! Just be brave, explain and leave the ball in their court.

Do you stay at theirs?

EweAreHere · 25/02/2016 17:41

Just say no. And if she asks why, be honest! Maybe they'll stop staying with you entirely and you won't have to put them up ever again. :)

Ginkypig · 25/02/2016 17:43

Sounds like the dynamic of your friendship has never needed to be scrutinised before due to being children, them living abroad, your not having space etc

Now that there is no reasons to escape the differences it's reared its head.

A conversation looks like it can't be avoided any longer so just make it nice but firm, hopefully she won't take offence and future visits will be a couple of nights only!

CubicZirconiaBossyBabe · 25/02/2016 17:45

If you liked them I'ld say something honest! "you know what I'm like, love seeing people but get twitchy if I don't get to zen out by myself every couple of days" Or just admit to being slightly antisocial. I do this when I don't want to do something and I think it goes down surprizingly well "you know I love you, but I fucking hate the activity you suggested and I'ld just have a mardy face on me the whole time, so no, but can we have a coffee soon?"

But you don't seem to like them, so don't do that

You are in the incorrect "old friend" = "good friend" mentality. there is no value to friendships which are SOLELY based on how long you've known each other. There has to be some enjoyment of each other too.

Creampastry · 25/02/2016 17:47

Are you actually still friends or are you a handy friend? Why are you wining and dining them??!!

CubicZirconiaBossyBabe · 25/02/2016 17:53

but even back when we were children, the subtle messages that she liked me as a friend more than I liked her never really filtered through to her

Maybe the friends really does like the OP a lot and has no reason to know that that it's not so mutual

Maybe friend choses to stay at OPs house because she likes OP in larger doses than she likes her family?

Friend isn't necessarily taking the piss. Friend might genuinely think OP likes her visits

MrsGuyOfGisbo · 25/02/2016 17:54

We have fallen foul in the past of the half-excuse - ie we are going away - only means that the thick -skinned counter it.
So now just politely refuse with no reason, but say keen to meet up while they are in town but cannot accommodate.
if they are good friends they will make arrangements - if they don't - well, not such good friends then...

CubicZirconiaBossyBabe · 25/02/2016 17:58

see I don't think the OP should even say she is keen to meet up when friend in town if she's not.

I wouldn't like to find out someone I thought of as a friend for years was only seeing me out of duty because of the number of years we'ld known each other, and that they didn't actual enjoy our meeting up particularly

BitOutOfPractice · 25/02/2016 18:00

""I'm really sorry but 2 days is my limit for having guests, it causes me too much disruption otherwise. I love having you stay but I'd hate it to be so long that I would resent it, it's such a pleasure having you here."

I think that's a shit club sandwich. More sandwich than shit so I'd say it's fine

TroubleinDaFamily · 25/02/2016 18:00

A lie needs two good legs to stand on at all times.

The truth is always easier in the long run.

expatinscotland · 25/02/2016 18:03

Keep it simple. 'We love having you to stay, but 2 nights is our limit. You'll need to make other arrangements after 2 nights.' If she gets arsey, you just stay firm, 'That's a pity. We can only host for 2 nights.'

yumyumpoppycat · 25/02/2016 18:06

There is no way you are a shit friend, as others have said you sound like a saint. Perhaps if you saw her less you would like her more.

CubicZirconiaBossyBabe · 25/02/2016 18:19

I don't think OP has done anything wrong BTW, just read my posts back and it reads like that,

I've done it myself, the "old friend" thing snowballs.. and suddenly you're bridesmaids or godparents on the basis of being such old friends.. when actually you don't mean anything to each other in the present tense.

paxillin · 25/02/2016 18:23

Would you be quite happy never to see her again? If so, you could say "look, your dh whines so much, it brings us all down and you never bring wine or food to the table at your lengthy visits".

Tokelau · 25/02/2016 18:27

I wonder, though, if they stay for two nights as agreed, they'll just ask after those two days if they can stay for just one more, and then it will stretch to one more etc. It would be very awkward to make them leave, and OP has already said that she's too nice to them!

FoolsAndJesters · 25/02/2016 18:34

I think you should be more honest with her. Presumably she is not a mind reader and won't know how you are feeling. Some people love house visitors and maybe she genuinely thinks you don't mind. I don't think she is unreasonable to ask and you are not unreasonable to say no. If I were you I don't think I'd want her to stay at all and I wouldn't hesitate to tell her that I couldn't host. I'd say that I have a lot on and it doesn't suit me. I would avoid excuses but if you want I'm sure you could come up with something plausible.

fuzzywuzzy · 25/02/2016 18:36

Tell them no it's not suitable for you.

And stop wining and dining them when they stay if you don't want to.

do you ever go and stay with them?

expatinscotland · 25/02/2016 18:36

'Would you be quite happy never to see her again? If so, you could say "look, your dh whines so much, it brings us all down and you never bring wine or food to the table at your lengthy visits".'

Works for me, but can't imagine the OP developing the backbone to say that.

HPsauciness · 25/02/2016 18:58

I wouldn't have someone to stay two or three times a year if I didn't really like them that much or want to continue a close friendship.

I think you have to find a graceful way to get out of the whole thing, not negotiate downwards.

I can't imagine it would be that nice for her to stay with someone who actually doesn't want to be friends that much and finds her and her family tiresome (not your fault, but not that nice for anyone).

I would say we are booked up, aren't having visitors for a while, get back you when things free up a bit. And perhaps leave it.

Ilovetorrentialrain · 25/02/2016 19:05

OP if you're completely honest with yourself, if they cancelled and couldn't come at all would you be relieved?

If so, I'd say cancel the whole thing.

It sounds a bit like they really want free board and lodgings over and above any social/friendship aspect. Is that fair to say?

Cut loose!

TubbyTabby · 25/02/2016 19:12

i'd tell her no.
be prepared for your "friendship" to end and for her to conveniently forget all the times you've hosted them in the past.
that might be no bad thing though.

HortonWho · 25/02/2016 19:17

Why not just say, sorry but you've had a lot of acquaintances crawl out of the woodwork since getting a guest room and some have really taken advantage - so you've made a policy of guest who are very close friends and with whom you have a reciprocal arrangement - and immediate family only.

Honestly, it sounds like she wants free room and board while she visits her family. I doubt she's as keen to be your bestest friend as you might imagine and you're feeling guilty about a childhood friendship.

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