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AIBU?

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Original poster

To Not Understand American Weddings...Rehearsal Dinner??

76 replies

CaptainCrunch · 25/02/2016 16:00

I've seen this in countless US sitcoms and films. A friend is going to a US wedding next month and we were chatting about the "Rehearsal Dinner" and realised none of us actually knew what it meant.

I realise movies are not RL but the Rehearsal Dinner looks like a really big deal, with people all dressed up in a fancy restaurant. Does this mean the wedding itself doesn't have a meal? Do they have the meal the night before?

Anyone help? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

Girlwhowearsglasses · 25/02/2016 20:16

Oh and (now it's all coming back to me) then some crazy cousins gave us a lift up the freeway to another hotel for drinks after the reception (groom family had booked rooms and laid on drinks). They were very excited as were driving over the speed limit (50mph).

Then a couple who were also guests propositioned us

We said no

marshmallowpies · 25/02/2016 20:55

Regenerationfez I agree it's a good tradition to adopt - if not a 'rehearsal' (we didn't need a rehearsal for a non-church wedding), at least getting people together the night before and doing away with the tradition of the bride and groom not seeing each other. The night before my wedding I went and had a lovely dinner with my family and DH was with his family, which was fine, but I hadn't arranged anyone to come and stay at our house - I ended up going home by myself to a cold house (it was a winter wedding) and feeling a bit sad I was all alone. I had friends coming over in the morning to help me get ready but I wish I'd invited a friend to stay over so I didn't have to wake up on my own!

TattyDevine · 25/02/2016 21:06

I had a rehearsal dinner. It was the first time that bridesmaids and groomsmen met each other, because we were from all over, and it was the first time to sit down and eat together for the 2 families, i.e my inlaws and my parents, brother and Aunt, who had flown in from Australia. So we had the rehearsal at the church, (which we also had to travel to, to my husband's home village 5 hours away in Devon), and being away from our "UK base" in Essex, innit, we had to go out to eat anyway (unless the Inlaws cooked but that's a big ask for such a large party), so I booked a laid back pub/restaurant that's more of a carvery job than haute cuisine, so we could all sit down together after the rehearsal, get to know each other, have a few drinks, do some matchmaking between single bridesmaids and single groomsmen, that kind of thing.

It wasn't high-key or high end, there were no speeches, it was just a chance to sit and chill for an evening having travelled there the day before and with a busy couple of days ahead.

If I was getting married to someone local in my local area with my local family also around and with bridesmaids and groomsmen who had all met before and that kind of thing it may have been rather unnecessary, though still pleasant.

minoandolphin · 26/02/2016 13:28

I used to be a bit confused by the idea when I was younger. I wondered why Americans needed to rehearse having dinner..

SenecaFalls · 26/02/2016 15:06

I grew up and still live in the US Deep South. Almost all weddings are in the evening, a holdover from the days when there was no air conditioning. The rehearsal dinner traditionally included out-of-town guests as well as the wedding party because out-of-town guests were more likely from the groom's side, especially if the wedding was in the bride's home town and the groom was from somewhere else. Some rehearsal dinners can be more elaborate than the wedding reception. When my son got married, we had a large rehearsal dinner (DH has a large family from up North) and the wedding reception was not a dinner, but finger food only.

One generalization that I think can be made about US weddings is that there are no bifurcated wedding guest lists. There is no separate wedding breakfast/evening do. There will be people who are not invited to the rehearsal dinner, but anything to do with the actual wedding--there is only one guest list.

notquitehuman · 26/02/2016 15:38

I didn't know rehearsal dinners were an American import. I've been a bridesmaid twice and both of them involved a run through the night before, followed by dinner. One was very casual, mostly just the wedding party and parents in a private dining room in a gastropub. The other was organised at the venue and people who lived further afield and stayed the night before joined in. I suppose that was more like the ones you see on TV with speeches and lots of champagne. They were both lovely, made the weddings feel like a big weekend event.

I'm jealous of US weddings on TV because they always seem to be outdoors in some stunning location. I suppose you could get hitched on Southend beach with special permission, but it's not the same.

SenecaFalls · 26/02/2016 16:15

I am not a fan of outdoor weddings myself but both of my children did get married out of doors. My daughter's wedding was on an old paddle-wheel steamboat in the middle of a large lake.

GinandJag · 26/02/2016 16:34

I think a rehearsal dinner is a great thing. We had a rehearsal dinner for our wedding in Scotland 30 years ago. It is so good to be able to catch up with close relatives and leave the wedding day for more distant ones and friends.

My inlaws hosted it in a local hotel.

I don't know if this is still a tradition in Scotland, but at that time, the main pre-wedding gathering was "the showing of the presents" for female friends and family. Again, this was a great way to catch up lashings of booze that modern brides endure in their hen weekends.

I've only been to two rehearsal dinners in the USA of two BILs. One was in PIL's house and the other was takeaway pizza in a dive bar. Both were excellent evenings as we got together with "out of town" family.

The non-family weddings we have been to in the USA have all had over 200 guests, so the rehearsal dinner must be really special for the happy couple and their parents.

IME of living in the US, it is common to refer to any alcoholic beverage as a cocktail. The drinks that UK weddings have while the photos are being taken could be described as a cocktail hour by Americans.

At my nephew's wedding in Edinburgh last year, our cocktail hour consisted of waiters coming round with endless glasses of champagne, whilst guests were welcome to go to the free bar for anything else they wanted. There were loads of very upmarket canapés too, and an ice cream van and candy stall. I am glad to say there was no mashed potato bar . We also had a pre-wedding meeting of the families via a BBQ at DB's house.

SpaceDinosaur · 26/02/2016 16:36

DH and I had a rehearsal 2 days before our wedding. It was nice for everyone to feel comfortable with our space, meet the vicar of they didn't already know him etc.
Was the BMs, GMs, our parents, siblings partners and a couple of others. About 20 in total

We went for dinner afterwards.

Groom's parents insisted on paying. It was a lovely relaxed event and I think everyone enjoyed themselves too!

I'm in London.

MadamDeathstare · 26/02/2016 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Babymouse · 26/02/2016 17:21

Rehearsal dinners are great and I've been to plenty of UK weddings that could have used one. Like pp have said it's a good way for families to meet each other before the day in a relaxed atmosphere. Some of the weddings I've been to here feel like a two separate halves with no mixing at all (I know they aren't all like that).

An actual rehearsal wouldn't go amiss either. I'm surprised at the amount of couples who just wing it on the day. Especially when a lot of money has been spent on the wedding.

5Foot5 · 26/02/2016 17:34

But do you always have the rehearsal the day before? IIRC (and it is 29 years ago!) DH and I had our wedding rehearsal at least a week before the actual day.

MadamDeathstare · 26/02/2016 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SenecaFalls · 26/02/2016 18:23

Every rehearsal dinner I have been to (and I have been to a lot) has been the night before the wedding.

SenecaFalls · 26/02/2016 18:31

As others have said, the rehearsal dinner is a great opportunity to get to know the other side of the family. There is often a slide-show video type presentation with pictures of the bride and groom from birth set to music of the different eras; this is usually a cause for much hilarity, especially if siblings have been tasked with putting it together.

marshmallowpies · 26/02/2016 22:01

5foot5 I think in the UK, if you were having a church wedding you might have a rehearsal - and this wouldn't always be the night before the wedding, it would most likely be at the vicar's convenience rather than your own. Much less detail and fuss with civil ceremonies so less need for a formal rehearsal maybe?

It's been a while since I went to a church wedding so I don't know if rehearsals are still a thing, but I remember being a bridesmaid at my friends wedding years ago and being told by her that there was a rehearsal a few weekends before and could I make it? As it happened, I was going away the weekend of the rehearsal and I was made to feel rather awkward for not being able to make it - I was meant to be reading a lesson, and when I arrived at her house for the actual wedding, I found out the other bridesmaid who had been to the rehearsal was suddenly now doing the reading. I spent about 5 minutes feeling all bitter and about it but then told myself to stop being so stupid and get on and enjoy the day, (secretly relieved that I had been downgraded from having to do any proper bridesmaid duties) and the marriage didn't last long anyway

expatinscotland · 26/02/2016 22:45

I've never been to a rehearsal or dinner that wasn't the night before the wedding. It's in the evening, after you get off work.

Moanranger · 26/02/2016 23:21

Whatacross the pond said. There is a lot of variation in wedding formats in the US; it is not as bound by tradition as the UK. Because there is now such a huge wedding industry, you can have all sorts of stuff happen at a wedding, depending on what the bride & groom fancy. Beware of generalising from what you see on TV - those are most likely high budget.
As far as food, I nearly starved at my brother's wedding - there were like after dinner mints on the table around the uncut wedding cake, that was it, hours before the cake cut, and no other meal. Bride spent all her dosh on the dress & her parents weren't rich.
Most recent wedding was outdoors at a dude ranch, food was actually average to inedible, and while sufficient, not masses of it. Wedding dresses home made. Rehearsal dinners, yes, but just something to do with wedding party & out of towners over the time spent at wedding location.

expatinscotland · 26/02/2016 23:28

I think in the UK, too, you're more restricted on where you can marry and have to do it by a certain hour (6pm, IIRC). This isn't so in most US states so you get a lot more variation.

EachandEveryone · 26/02/2016 23:43

I would be too scared to attend a rehearsal dinner incase I over indulged at the bar and looked a wreck the next day. Probably just a British way to feel?

MEgirl · 26/02/2016 23:44

I've never been to a Jewish wedding on a Saturday night. It would be difficult to arrange. My own orthodox wedding was at 2pm followed by a toast and an afternoon tea dance. We used our synagogue hall adjacent to the synagogue itself.

infife · 27/02/2016 11:29

Ooooh, this thread is interesting. I have attended one of these in darkest Missouri, and didn't realise the significance.

Piemernator · 27/02/2016 11:36

I have been to two rehearsal dinners as have been to the states for two weddings.

The second was my nieces and his parents paid it was really like a wedding reception. I flew in and had one hour to get ready. It was fab and had free cocktails all night only bad thing was they didn't have Pimms.

samG76 · 28/02/2016 09:32

Expat -I think you are right about the restrictions. Hardwicks marriage act of around 1740 was intended to prevent the situation where an old man married a young lady in the dark and she only found out how ugly he was the next morning. The act did not apply to Jews or Quakers, though.....

expatinscotland · 28/02/2016 13:20

And the two-week wait was designed to stop aristrocrats and landed gentry from eloping with ill-suited matches. In Scotland, restrictions were brought in to stamp out the practice of 'irregular marriages' - handfastings before all the villages or community and similar - when people lived too far from churches and clergy.

There is a lot more leeway as to where and when you marry in most US states, and less restrictive wait times. Many states have only a 3 day wait and some have none.

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