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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Not Understand American Weddings...Rehearsal Dinner??

76 replies

CaptainCrunch · 25/02/2016 16:00

I've seen this in countless US sitcoms and films. A friend is going to a US wedding next month and we were chatting about the "Rehearsal Dinner" and realised none of us actually knew what it meant.

I realise movies are not RL but the Rehearsal Dinner looks like a really big deal, with people all dressed up in a fancy restaurant. Does this mean the wedding itself doesn't have a meal? Do they have the meal the night before?

Anyone help? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 25/02/2016 16:53

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Out2pasture · 25/02/2016 16:53

how is a rehearsal dragging out the event?

MTWTFSS · 25/02/2016 16:54

My orthodox Jewish wedding (not my choice) was at 3pm!

SidneyBristow · 25/02/2016 16:54

Not at all shoe - it's a way to show hospitality to out-of-town guests, and to show thanks to the people in your wedding party and immediate family. The rehearsal dinner takes place after the rehearsal and I believe is traditionally paid for by the groom's family, and can be when bridesmaids' gifts and gifts are given. Doesn't have to be, though.

We didn't 'stuff ourselves' at either meal; nothing was super-sized and the selection was definitely less than everything under the sun . Our wedding was very small and happened on a Tuesday in the afternoon, it was rather wonderful if I do say so myself. Even my English MIL could find very little to complain about

MrsJayy · 25/02/2016 16:55

Cocktail hour sounds amazing much betterthan lukewarm fizz or worse pimms

squiggleirl · 25/02/2016 16:55

I don't think the idea of a rehearsal dinner is specific to the US.

I had one with my family, and DH had one with his the night before our wedding. After the rehearsal at the church, family and friends who were around, went for a meal.

Also, is 'cocktail hour' not just the drinks reception you have after the wedding and before the meal?

AcrossthePond55 · 25/02/2016 16:56

Weddings can be any time, but more common in the afternoon or evening. A morning wedding is pretty rare.

Not sure about these days, but the rehearsal dinner used to be just that. A dinner hosted by the groom's family usually the day before the wedding, after a rehearsal of the wedding. It was/is usually the wedding party, sometimes their significant others, and the parents of the bride and groom. It could range from a quiet dinner in a restaurant to a big 'do'. Sounds like it's been expanded to include out of towners but that wasn't usual 'back in my day' i.e. when the earth was cooling.

As far as during the picture taking, I've seen everything from an open bar with canapés to just standing around with nothing. Depends on the budget.

There really isn't a 'typical' American wedding. There are as many different types of weddings as there are people here. Local custom, cultural/religious customs, family customs, social milieu all play a part in how a wedding is 'done'.

Moln · 25/02/2016 17:09

I've just been invited to 'toast brides's name & groom's name on the eve of truer wedding' in USA. I think it's nice as people have travelled and it's a get together; though I'm not going to the wedding (as it's too expensive for us).

I suspect it's traditional for American weddings now.

I have also been to one in the UK. Though it wasn't quite the same thing I sense. The rehearsal dinner invite was in the same envelope as the wedding invite; we had accept that and chose our dish off the menu at the time of acceptance for the wedding.

Everyone turned up the dutifully at the rehearsal, then went to the dinner, after which a jar was handed around for everyone to pay for their own (and as it turned out expensive) meal plus tip. Until that point it's been set up as part of the wedding (or so everyone had thought especially as we had to chose far in advance and prices not disclosed). If we'd have know we'd have gone elsewhere!!

Dontyouopenthattrapdoor · 25/02/2016 17:22

Jeez Madam are you always that quick to take offence?

The OP didn't understand the custom so she politely asked the question.

Wow.

marshmallowpies · 25/02/2016 17:34

I was at a wedding in the US where the groom was British and bride American (and they lived there too), and the rehearsal dinner was wedding party and family only, so I didn't go to that - but the groom apparently made a speech at the rehearsal dinner thanking everyone who had helped with the wedding, which meant he didn't make a speech at the wedding the next day.

That was the only thing that struck me as a bit unusual compared to a British wedding, that the groom didn't make a speech at the wedding, but then I've been to plenty of other weddings where the speeches didn't follow the convention of groom, father of the bride and best man.

OneInEight · 25/02/2016 17:48

I've only ever been to one American wedding which was very grand but, yes, there was a big evening meal for all guests the evening before which was a lot nicer than the meal at the actual wedding.

The most memorable thing about the wedding though was the mutant-size rose heads strewn across the swimming pool. I am sure that can't be typical though as even the American guests were open-mouthed at that one.

samG76 · 25/02/2016 17:59

MTWTFSS - how was the wedding not your choice? Was it a forced wedding? There is a task force to combat such thing, with a helpline, I think.

Jewish weddings are generally pm or evening because they have dinner attached (eating rather than drinking being the emphasis of the day). If you got married at 11 am there would be a lot of sitting around. That said, I have been to Friday weddings in Israel where they have a festive lunch.

expatinscotland · 25/02/2016 18:11

Rehearsal is just the wedding party. Rehearsal dinner is after and is wedding party and, if finances permit, out-of-town guests. Weddings can run the gamut from ones that start at 6pm or later or church ones in the early afternoon followed by a cake and non-alcoholic bevvie reception and then home, but you don't see two-tiered ones with some people invited to a meal after the ceremony and then the B-listers along later on for dancing. The cake is usually cut and eaten as dessert.

MadamDeathstare · 25/02/2016 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GinandJag · 25/02/2016 18:48

It's a British website Madame so you have to suck it up.

shoeaddict83 · 25/02/2016 19:00

sidney I wasn't having a dig! I used to Iive in the states and would love to move back!
My take is purely from watching USA weddings on 4weddings to show on honestly every cocktail
Hour on there is full of food, much more than light canapés, then all the guest brides complaint they are too full at the meal after!!!
I like the idea of cocktail hour as cocktails and canapés/light bites! Love a good cocktail me!!

MadamDeathstare · 25/02/2016 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

regenerationfez · 25/02/2016 19:12

I always fancied a rehearsal dinner. Out of all the imports, baby showers, gender reveal parties (yuk) and the like, having a nice meal with your family and friends after the wedding rehearsal just before the wedding always seemed like a nice thing to do. You don't get to just chat to people at the actual wedding a lot of the time. Especially at American weddings, which are all at the brides parents 10 bedroom beachside mansion with 300 acres of land

expatinscotland · 25/02/2016 19:18

My sister's wedding didn't begin until 4pm. But it was a Mass so it wasn't over till 5 or so. Then it was straight to the reception, there were drinks and canapes served while the photos were done, then bride and groom showed up, then dinner which was about 7 or so. It was a late night. I've been to some Greek American weddings that didn't even get started until 7pm. Have also been to some strict Baptist ones that started around 2pm and were done and dusted by 4pm - shortish service, cake and 'punch'(non-alcoholic sweet drink)/coffee reception after ceremony in church hall.

PitilessYank · 25/02/2016 19:23

Madam-I agree with you. See the recent thread I started:

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am iibeingunreasonable/2564007-to-point-out-the-anti-americanism-on-mumsnet.

SquinkiesRule · 25/02/2016 19:27

Sil had a big wedding in the US, I went to the church rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner.
We all met with the pastor at the church, they went over the ceremony, made sure the songs, prayers, readings were all sorted, the bridesmaids all 6 found out where they would be, it's the first chance to get them all together to sort it all. Same for the groomsmen, Dh was a groomsman one of 6 Then we all went back to a lovely dinner in a nice restaurant in the small function room. All the grandparents and any out of town family were there waiting and we had a lovely dinner paid for by the grooms parents.
Then the next day was the big day, all day affair, with a hotel for the reception and dancing after. They married about 1pm, and we got home about 1am, we lived 5 minutes from the reception.

HermioneWeasley · 25/02/2016 19:29

I think that American wedding on US 4 weddings look AMAZING, so much better than dreary British ones with not enough food and drink.

Aftershock15 · 25/02/2016 19:38

We hosted a BBQ the night before our English wedding for anyone who had travelled and was around the night before. I suppose it was a rehearsal BBQ as we had been for a rehearsal at the church first.

When we went to BIL wedding in the US a few years ago, there was about 5 days of wedding events. As his family had traveled from the UK, various members of the brides extended family hosted drinks parties and brunches. I thought it was very hospitable of them - not an extended wedding at all, just social occasions to all meet each other for the first time.

Strictlyobsessed · 25/02/2016 19:41

I have been to a couple of Italian/American weddings and the rehearsal dinner has been after the couple have been to the church for a rehearsal of the wedding and it has been paid for by the grooms family and is usually just for close family members and people who have flown in specially.
Cocktail hour is usually when bride groom are are getting photos and guests can have a lovely time eating canapés and drinking.
The only mishap we had was at the rehearsal dinner which was a huge buffet with lasagne, lovely bowls of mussels with bread etc to help yourself too, as we tucked in the waitress came over and asked us what we would like , I said oh is this the drink order? I'll have a glass of wine, turns out she was taking my food order , all the lovely buffet food was really starters and she wanted to know what I wanted for the MAIN course, we have never been so stuffed!

Girlwhowearsglasses · 25/02/2016 20:12

Yep - the people who attend he rehearsal go.

Also when we went to a wedding in New England there wasn't a receiving line - everyone went to their table, then the bride and groom came in to applause, and speeches before dinner

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