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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Joint finances - Aibu?

40 replies

DiamondStuddedFlunkie · 25/02/2016 09:27

I expect I probably am but would like some thoughts.

Ex DH and I separated three years ago. We had 3 young DC and he had an affair and left me for someone else.

I had always been a sahm. We were comfortable financially and although I have a degree I'm not really qualified to do anything.

After the separation I claimed income support. I had a property but no source of income.

I met DP 2 years ago. After a year we decided to live together. Because we were living together I was no longer entitled to claim income support.

He is expected to support me, but he doesn't. My youngest starts school in September and I have just found out I am pregnant. It is unplanned and I'm panicking. I was hoping to start some kind of career.

DP owns a business, he earns an average wage. He keeps a good friend on the payroll even though the guy loses DP money and cannot do the job.

I feel that DP's responsibilities should lie closer to home. I cook and clean and feel I contribute more towards the relationship.

Aibu?

OP posts:
gooseberryroolz · 25/02/2016 09:30

He is expected to support me, but he doesn't

Then he needs to change ASAP or go. He can pay CM for the baby.

How will you manage otherwise?

Original poster
DiamondStuddedFlunkie · 25/02/2016 09:32

When I claimed income support I received around £70 per week.

I didn't want to claim benefits but as a newly single parents with three young DC I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't want any more disruption in their lives.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 25/02/2016 09:32

What does he contribute?

And why move him in if it was going to compromise your finances?

Original poster
DiamondStuddedFlunkie · 25/02/2016 09:33

He pays a third of the mortgage and bills. He also buys the big food shop every other week.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 25/02/2016 09:34

It's tricky, I think you and your ex are responsible for all costs relating to your three children.

Your new dp, share of rent and bills yes............

QuiteLikely5 · 25/02/2016 09:34

What more do you want him to pay?

Is he refusing to pay extra?

Original poster
DiamondStuddedFlunkie · 25/02/2016 09:36

Absolutely, I don't expect him to pay towards my DC. He is expected to pay for my living costs though, it's difficult.

I currently have no income other than child benefit, child tax credits and child maintenance.

OP posts:
Original poster
DiamondStuddedFlunkie · 25/02/2016 09:36

I really don't know what I expect him to pay, if anything.

OP posts:
LastInTheQueue · 25/02/2016 09:38

why a third of the mortgage and bills? who pays for the other two thirds - you?

when you say you moved in together, do you mean he moved in to yours?

Original poster
DiamondStuddedFlunkie · 25/02/2016 09:39

Yes, he moved into my house. I pay the other two thirds, which I calculated was for myself and DC.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 25/02/2016 09:39

I think you're wanting a bigger slice of his monthly income? Which is understandable

What you and he have left over each month, is the gap huge?

Original poster
DiamondStuddedFlunkie · 25/02/2016 09:40

I have nothing left over, I'm really scraping by. It's a real concern.

He has little left over because he's basically subsidising his friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
DiamondStuddedFlunkie · 25/02/2016 09:42

I think because I own property and he doesn't he sees me as 'better off'.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 25/02/2016 09:43

Thing is I don't think he is doing much wrong. He obviously loves you enough to take on your three children and that's a massive commitment but he obviously doesn't want to pay to raise them (fair enough)

The problem is, is that I don't think you are financially secure in yourself.

Is he excited about the new baby? Are you keeping it?

Can you really afford to have a baby right now when you need to think about building a career for yourself

QuiteLikely5 · 25/02/2016 09:43

Oh I see! So you own the house, is it outright or mortgaged?

BillSykesDog · 25/02/2016 09:44

He should definitely be paying more, particularly now you are expecting his child.

But I don't think you have any right to tell him how to run his business and who he should or shouldn't be employing. Telling him that he has to sack his employee to give the money saved to you is probably going to be the most counter productive way of tackling this.

Original poster
DiamondStuddedFlunkie · 25/02/2016 09:44

No I'm really not financially secure and it's a worry. Likewise I don't feel comfortable asking him for money.

He is very exited about the baby, I'm shocked and scared.

OP posts:
Original poster
DiamondStuddedFlunkie · 25/02/2016 09:46

It's mortgaged, but the payments are relatively small, around £450 per month.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 25/02/2016 09:47

There's real alarm bells here. I just couldn't have another child when my circumstances were the same as yours.

You are going back to the beginning and your position isn't secure with this man because yous are disagreeing over a very important subject.

It will be you left holding the baby, your career taking a battering as will your bank balance.

So you want him to sack his co worker to bring in more money?

Have you asked him for a raise once the baby arrives

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 25/02/2016 09:49

I think he needs to support you. You are living together, you are pregnant with his child and you have no income- because of him!
You can't afford the relationship otherwise!
What will he do when the baby is born? Will he still be expecting you to pay 2 thirds of outgoings?

LastInTheQueue · 25/02/2016 09:50

he has it cushty, doesn't he? move in to your home, pays just a third of bills and mortgage and is probably patting himself on the back for being a "good guy" and taking on you and your kids..

Is he aware that him moving in meant a significant drop in your income? I'd personally sit down with him, go through all the bills, etc and together come up with a fair way of sharing the costs. If he's not willing to do that, then you have a real issue, as it would clearly mean he doesn't see you as a family.

BathtimeFunkster · 25/02/2016 09:55

He shouldn't have moved into your home without compensating you for the drop in income that caused.

And you should never have moved a man into your children's home under those circumstances.

Are you planning to continue with this pregnancy?

You won't see a penny out of this fucker in CM if you do, and you're already skint.

Your existing children deserve a lot better than this.

Katenka · 25/02/2016 09:56

I think the problem is you didn't really work everything out before him moving in.

You took a hit on your income for little back. Why did he move in with you?

You need to get this sorted. Especially if you are keeping the baby.

When blending families things need to be very clear.

Please don't only stay with him so your older children aren't disrupted.

thelastwingedthing · 25/02/2016 09:57

Hang on, would he have a claim on the house if you were to split? (Don't know how it works elsewhere, here he would.)

NameChanger22 · 25/02/2016 10:00

Work out how much income you have together in wages, benefits etc. Take off the cost of the mortgage, bills, food and other expenses. Then divide what's left - one third goes to him, one third to you and one third for the children. That sounds about fair to me. I think relationships where one party has far more spending money than another is an unequal, unfair relationship and I wouldn't put up with it.

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