Joint finances - Aibu?

[DiamondStuddedFlunkie]

I expect I probably am but would like some thoughts.

Ex DH and I separated three years ago. We had 3 young DC and he had an affair and left me for someone else.

I had always been a sahm. We were comfortable financially and although I have a degree I'm not really qualified to do anything.

After the separation I claimed income support. I had a property but no source of income.

I met DP 2 years ago. After a year we decided to live together. Because we were living together I was no longer entitled to claim income support.

He is expected to support me, but he doesn't. My youngest starts school in September and I have just found out I am pregnant. It is unplanned and I'm panicking. I was hoping to start some kind of career.

DP owns a business, he earns an average wage. He keeps a good friend on the payroll even though the guy loses DP money and cannot do the job.

I feel that DP's responsibilities should lie closer to home. I cook and clean and feel I contribute more towards the relationship.

Aibu?

So he pays £150 in mortgage/rent a month.

If he paid half of your £450 per month he would still be getting a good deal. £225 plus bills.

Where could he get a roof over his head for less?

Therefore expecting him to go halves at LEAST ON that is not really that much more of an ask imho. His choice is essentially pay a reasonable rate or pay the going rate.

I think you can probably say the same for bills - food excepted.

Work it out. Then if he does question it or complain then you have substance to back up your argument.

As for his mate. His mate is not YOUR responsibility, so don't even bring him into the debate. His mate is not your DP's responsibility either as it goes.

I think you are perhaps guilty of doing the same thing as your DP in being too accommodating of someone else financially.

If you have lost £70 per week, but he is contributing 1/3 of mortgage and utilities and 50% of food then it does sound like he is being responsible and you have more than replaced the 70 per week ? How did you manage before he move in?

The new baby costs and the impact on your ability to work is a whole new conversation, with added responsibilities for him. I'd separate the two.

Ok, I've just seen that the mortgage is 450 a month. There is no way he would only be paying 150 a month rent in any other circumstance!!!!

In a way it is a shame that you didn't just charge him the money you would lose out on in income support as his rent, plus a bit extra for bills, then you would not be out of pocket.

I think you need to discuss finances with him again as he is not really contributing enough financially and is actually profiting from being with you while you are suffering. He basically gets a nice house to live in with cleaning and cooking done for £150 a month, plus a bit more in bills!!! He also gets to keep his spare income for himself.

He is expected to support me, but he doesn't

Who expects him to support you? You?

Why should he support you financially? Genuine question, not being narky.

Are you planning to continue with the pregnancy?

If you are, then you have to have joint finances, he has to pay much more of the living costs as he is the one working.

Hang on, would he have a claim on the house if you were to split? (Don't know how it works elsewhere, here he would.)

He may do if he starts contributing to the mortgage or bills or any house improvements.

It isn't clear cut.

Kidnapped, I think from the way it is worded, that OP isn't entitled to the benefits she was receiving before, because they know that her DP is living with her, and that their joint income is above the thresholds used to calculate it, so they assume he will be supporting her. OP, you really need to have a frank discussion with your DP about this. Explain that you can't afford to carry on the way things are, especially with another baby on the way, and he needs to contribute more financially to the family.

I think that how if you are having a baby together, you need to start from scratch with sorting out your joint finances and responsibilities, as a family. He needs to make an obvious commitment of some kind to that, as you are in a financially vulnerable position due to the pregnancy and putting off getting back into work for another few years presumably. Joint finances would be a good way to do that, or at the very least a fair discussion of your joint responsibilities going forward financially, and maybe some kind of agreement regarding the house.

I don't think he should just sack his co-worker because you say so. But the circumstances are brought about by mistakes on both your parts. But I think you and your ex are financially responsible for supporting your other three children. It wasn't really a good idea to bring yet another child into this financial insecurity with finances not thought through. You'll have to wait and see how things work out and hope he pays a bit more towards bills.

You need to have a grown up, sit down talk with him. Tell him how you feel.

Maybe he doesn't contribute more because you haven't asked and he is not a mind reader so he doesn't know what is 'expected'.

so you lose £70 a week because of him but gain how much...?

you should work that out. He might need to move out. I think you and your ex need to pay for your first 3 children but equally I think it's fair for your DP to pay more rent to you.

do you want to have this baby? It's okay if you don't want to. You say "just found out" so I'm guessing there's still time?

I think it's hard to merge families especially when one of you loses benefits when you move in. When DH and I moved in together, I lost all my benefits and tax credits, and he had to support me and my dd (no CM for her and I no longer get CB due to DH's income). He always knew he took us on as a package, that's how the DWP/HMRC view it and that's the way it should be. He doesn't see it as paying to raise my dd, but more that we're a family and he has responsibility for being the breadwinner for all of us.

I think it's totally reasonable that your DP should support you and your dc, as if he wasn't there you'd have income support and possibly more tax credits and he needs to make up for that shortfall. When you have dc together with him it doesn't make sense to split the finances in fixed proportions and you both need to view his income and yours as contributing to all members of your combined family.

This is a tough one.

Do you class him as a Father to your three DC? Does the children's biological father pay child support/have financial arrangments set between you? You may have answered both these questions - I do apologise, computer is acting a bit funky and not allowing me to see the next page.

I personally think he needs to buck his ideas up about his business a little more. He cannot be keeping staff on if they're losing him such huge amounts of money on a daily basis. It just isn't fair.

You say he has somewhat taken your three DC on but in what sense? If it's 100%, then they're his responsibility too if he feels that way, he cannot nip in and decide when to be fairly generousm as it suites.

I'm assuming a financial plan wasn't planned out too well before you moved in together - in which case, I understand - I didn't have a clue what I was letting myself in for when I moved in with my DP, but luckily for me I didn't have three children to iclude in my plans.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I think it's borederline offensive when people here ask 'are you keeping it?' like it's some ill fitting piece of Dorothy Perkins you can't be bothered to return. If you mentioned termination, fair enough, but you haven't - you've just expressed your fears and concerns about the new baby.

Understandibly, finances will get even tougher with a new little one but you do need to sit youself and your DP down and discuss and plan things properly - and I mean properly.

Look at all your outgoings and what your total income is really like. From what I have gathered. he isn't much of A high earner so you should be entitled to more child benefit and tax credits, although I'm unsure what the current circumstances and rules are if you have more than two children.

Take care and plan!

Thank you so much everyone, really appreciate the input and advice.

I'm going to sit down this evening and talk to him. I think it's slightly unfair of me not to have done this before now, thus giving him the opportunity to come to an arrangement.

Thanks again

OP, well done you for sorting out plan :)

I hope this evening goes well for you!