To ask how the fuck you make friends in your 30s?

[GeordieBadger]

I'm a full-time academic with one close friend and many acquaintances. Feeling ever so lonely as I only ever seem to attract men (with designs) but what I really want is a platonic group of close female friends.

My work is very isolating (work from home most days).

I go to the gym a lot, but seldom do my 'friendships' gravitate outside the gym.

I'm in my 30s(!) and quite a confident person (extrovert, love being around people).

I've started attending a few meetups advertised online but it's early days, and so far nothing deep has conspired. Perhaps people sense my need?

Has anyone found themselves in my situation and clawed themselves out?

What do you like to do? In the last decade or so I've made friends:

• Through work
• via the NCT
• at Church
• by joining St John Ambulance
• at a 'Stitch-n-Bitch'
• By doing evening courses to learn BSL
• By doing other courses at the local college and at university
• by joining a local am-dram group

Obviously some of those were friends only in the context of what I was doing at the time. But others have stuck by me long after I have stopped doing the activity where I met them.

In the last 20 years I've lived in 6 cities in three countries so I've had to learn how to make friends. It's definitely easier if you can find people that you have something in common with.

Work & having babies

Maybe you're expecting too much, too soon? It's rare that people 'click' immediately, and it can take a while of getting to know someone before you're comfortable. if there are obvious groups forming at the meetups you go to, maybe you could move things on a bit by inviting a few people over for dinner/wine etc? Group activities are so much less intimidating (and less potential for awkwardness).

What you need are freinds on the same page as you not the same age .
Ie you both love your dog . Or you both love God. Or you both love crafting . Or you both love singing .
Something you are both passionate is much better than just having kids the same age.

I've met people through scouting, work, and random links. I set up a book group mostly just a nattering group with really a pile of random contacts... Someone I worked with; a friend of a Twitter friend who was moving to this area, someone else from Twitter who was moving to the area, someone I worked with ages ago. Recently invited along a random mum I'd seen around the village who had a son of a similar age to mine and I thought might be nice. Turns out a lot of people felt like me; but these random acquaintances have turned into quite a fun group and other outings have come out as a result. So I've really tried to make 'acquaintances' into friends.

I've never had really close friends, or a best friend, but now have enough people I can see that I don't feel a real Billy no mates... But it's not exactly Rachel, Monica, Phoebe et al...

I could have written this also work from home I do socialise with clients so I am not completely isolated when it comes to talking to people. Some have become acquaintances with, though mostly on a day to day basis I'm alone.

I didn't have many friends then I moved away from my hometown and the ones I had were strained and I mostly drifted apart from them which I know was my own fault. I made non when I moved because my Ex was a control freak. Then I moved to where I am now with my DD and my partner.

I have made 1 close friend since I moved here almost a year through partner's sister (Partner and friend seem not to get on at all).
I'm just getting to know another that I met on the school run, I would say we are friends, we do socialise but always with the children. DD and her DS have fallen out so will see how that pans out now .

People always want to talk to me no matter where I seem an approachable person but lack what it makes to be friends I think. I get on with men better than I get on with women always have but this seems pretty frowned upon and I can see it from the girlfriend/wife/partner prospective. It was more acceptable as a teen / early twenties not so much when people are settled down.

My partner has friends but he isnt that social so we haven't been out much with any of them so I can be in that circle so to speak.

Geordie I could so easily have written your OP myself and will be keeping a close eye on this thread. Thank you for starting it

I wrote a similar thread a while back (have recently re registered). I have tried lots of things - classes, NCT etc etc but just hasn't got anywhere. Sadly I am also in an area where WI is full of 'typical' WI people!
I even started a Facebook group on the back of my last post of this nature (called 'our so called lives') but there's tumbleweed on there now!

And by 'typical' WI I mean people aged 65 plus - which is great but as a 37 year old I'd also like some friends nearer my age...

Anyone who says their local WI is too old - start your own! I did at 27 and it was the best thing I've ever done. We formed a fab group of women and I made some real lasting friendships.

The poster who said Slimming World is cliquey is right on the money. I've been to two groups now and there are certain members who are BFFs with the consultant, really hunning it up on Facebook, a couple of tight knit groups, and some strays who never really stay for group and obviously don't want to chit chat. It's a bit disheartening really! I even left the last group because of some much petty jealously and sniping going on. And I survived a girls' school!

That should say some mean, petty jealousy. Ugh fat fingers and smartphones don't mix.

I joined meet up but most of the groups are Kindness Bears, which I think means you can dress up as a bear and walk around the street doing kind things for people

You also create jingles and fun routines.

Running and cycling clubs are more friendship oriented than the gym in my experience. My sil has her whole social life revolving round her triathlon club.
Good friend of mine joined a hillwalking group specifically for under 40s but they seem to drink beer more than walk :)
In my 20s my closest friends were from a martial arts club.

It is sooooo difficult.

I have seen on MN people sneering at posters who try to make friends at the school gate and then sneering at people who try to be friends at work. And again sneering at people who try to keep old school friendships going. You can't win!

I agree with poster who said that many people attend classes/groups/clubs with friends, and have no interest in including random new person. A lot of the Meetup groups near me are decidedly dodgy... I clicked on one that claimed to be Outdoors Adventures and it was rather an eye-opener! Or else they're singles groups and I'm not planning on trading in dh (yet).

And as for book groups. Pah. If I had 10p for every one I've very bravely and humbly asked if there was an opening at, and been told it's actually just friends^ " I'd be able to buy the whole of Amazon.

My first core of adult friends were through a hiking club. We are still in touch, but families and distance is a barrier to several people. That's where I met DH.

My main core of local friends is through guiding. I was coaxed in through a growing friendship with my yoga teacher. We're a spread of ages, some with young families, some getting more freedom as their family matures, but what we share is a spark and a sense of humour.

I made some "mummy" friends, but I'm feeling more fragmented from that as our children get to school age and I work FT. They were the ones I met in pregnancy, and I think that's been more successful as we clicked as a group of people. I haven't made proper friends over babies/ toddlers as there's been a lack of deeper connection, it's been more superficial about children. Some I got on with well, but not deeply enough to withstand moving in separate directions.

For me, meeting over shared interest and giving it time to grow has worked best.

I was in a similar situation a few months ago, split from ex and a handful of friends who were all either married or with young families. I was introduced to "Girl crew" on Facebook. There is a main group page and sub group pages for your area. It's all women looking for new friends with girlie nights out, cinema trips, meals, coffee, hikes etc. You just join up and see what's on in the area and come along. I've made so many new friends through this that I can barely keep up with the social life.. They are secret groups so Google Girlcrew and find join in... Best thing that ever happened me :)

girlcrew.rocks/groups-2/ This link might help ....

Met mine through work and a through going to see an indie band who were notoriously rubbish timekeepers and liked to play gigs in tiny pubs and clubs as often as possible. It's amazing how well you get to know people hanging around outside a venue or on the night bus week after week. My advice would be to find something you love doing and do it with like minded people.

I'd like to know the answer to this too (swapping the 30's for 40's).

I looked into the Meetup group thing after starting to read this thread but I'm not also not convinced it would lead to anything for me, anyway - I have attended weekly dance classes for over 4 years and still can't even really strike up much more than small talk (if that). Like pp have said, a lot of these groups are very cliquey and/or people go in couples.

I moved away from home and suffer from at least mild social anxiety so I am really stuck.

OP, is there no professional development type groups for your area of academia? Most of the great friends I've made in my 30s have been through groups and schemes related to my industry, often for women in particular. That way you already share a major interest and can support each other both in your work and your personal lives. Obviously it depends on your field, but surely there must be others out there who'd been keen to make connections. I'm not talking about networking in a cynical sense but how it is at it's best - genuine friendships forged through a shared passion and outlook on life.

I have done evening classes and enjoyed them but they are expensive if you are only there to try to make friends. I chatted with some of the other people, but everyone rushed off afterwards. I went to one class last year and a married couple came who sat as far away as possible from everyone else and huddled together sharing a packet of mints every week. It wasn't quite Maeve Binchy's Evening Class where all the participants jaunt off together on a holiday and weave into each other's lives. Maybe evening classes are like that in Dublin

I am also an academic and most of my friends are work-related. However it has taken quite a long time to develop them. Is there not a new joiner who might appreciate a coffee and a chat? Are there people you would like to know better who you could meet for lunch? I've found that since I've started asking, I have a lot of colleagues who have become friends, but it took a while, plus lots of them would never ask you, perhaps shy/introverted/also stuck at home. It is mainly women academics, though, I feel slightly ambivalent about approaching some male academics with a lunch invitation, although I have had good work/friendships with a couple of men over the years.

There must be some like-minded people, surely? Or go into the office two days a week and ask someone for a coffee (you can always pick people's brains about a project/paper as a starting point, and if friendship flows, great, if not, you have still learned something).