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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how the fuck you make friends in your 30s?

73 replies

GeordieBadger · 22/02/2016 15:45

I'm a full-time academic with one close friend and many acquaintances. Feeling ever so lonely as I only ever seem to attract men (with designs) but what I really want is a platonic group of close female friends.

My work is very isolating (work from home most days).

I go to the gym a lot, but seldom do my 'friendships' gravitate outside the gym.

I'm in my 30s(!) and quite a confident person (extrovert, love being around people).

I've started attending a few meetups advertised online but it's early days, and so far nothing deep has conspired. Perhaps people sense my need?

Has anyone found themselves in my situation and clawed themselves out?

OP posts:
moonlight1705 · 22/02/2016 16:09

I suppose it depends if you have any group interests - I met loads of people when I moved to my current town by joining a local am-dram society (love singing) and a choir.

I also joined a Ceroc dancing class which was great as I didn't need to go the gym afterwards and made some really great friends at the same time.

IHaveBrilloHair · 22/02/2016 16:13

Facebook groups

Owllady · 22/02/2016 16:13

One of my friends joined the WI and she said it was great fun. There was alot of wine involved by the sound of it :o
But I agree with all of the above.

tinymeteor · 22/02/2016 16:14

I know what you mean, academic life is so isolating. Most of my recently-acquired friends have been met through having the dog - parks are full of 30 somethings and you get chatting to loads of people. I used whatsapp to arrange more weekend dog walks with nice people and it went from there. You could always borrow a canine wingman from borrowmydoggy.com!

bbpp · 22/02/2016 16:16

Could you swap a day or two of gym to attend a sports club instead? Squash, netball, hockey, football, climbing, archery? You'll meet other people and assuming it's something you're interested in, you're bound to find people you have stuff in common with.

MrsTrentReznor · 22/02/2016 16:18

I joined meetup too, it really depends what local groups you have available I guess.
I've become very good friends with a few of the ladies at my knit and natter group.
I wanted to go to pub quizzes, so I started my own meetup group. We've been going for about 18 months now and go out for drinks and meals with our winnings! (They are always very messy nights out! Grin )

puzzledbyadream · 22/02/2016 16:19

I moved over the other side of the country and my current friends come from:

Board Games Group at my local pub
Scouting (I was a Cub leader but gave it up due to work pressures)
A crochet group (This was fab)
Friends of friends

Have you had a look on meetup.com? My crochet group was a meetup group, loads of people in their 30s on their!

puzzledbyadream · 22/02/2016 16:19

There!

notquitehuman · 22/02/2016 16:22

It is hard. I'd love a group of girl friends to go out for a few drinks, do lunch etc. I also work from home which is a pain sometimes.

I've tried the meet up site, and it's good for hobby type friends, but not managed to meet anyone who I'd see outside of my hobbies. My WI looks lovely, but the pictures show that every member is over 70, so I'm weird about that.

We should start a mumsnet friending site of some sort!

LovelyFriend · 22/02/2016 16:22

I made a lot of new friend through volunteering in my community. Not that they were all women my age mind you.

I have made a few friends via having kids at primary school - but not that many I would want to go for a drink with TBH. But over the 3.5 years since DD1 started primary school I have slowly made a couple of good friends.

I'd quite like to start to play Bridge myself. I don't really know anyone who plays cards!

MrsTrentReznor · 22/02/2016 16:23

Wow! Puzzled
You're like my no longer lonely twin! Those are exactly the groups I got into!
I still do cubs though... Smile

puzzledbyadream · 22/02/2016 16:26

That's funny MrsTrent! I will be going back to the Cubbing as soon as I stop teacher training... I am still young enough to be in Network but I don't like to admit that on here

MrsJorahMormont · 22/02/2016 16:30

With difficulty! Smile

I know that's not what you want to hear but I went through a similar thing, moving to a fairly rural area. I've met some good friends through night classes and then through baby groups but it took A LOT of effort. Don't underestimate how often you will have to be the one to make 'the first move' and expect it to take time. It can be harder here because it's a very conservative area so lots of people have big extended families and are church attenders. We have no family in the area and are non-believers so it has taken some time to find our tribe.

MeMySonAndl · 22/02/2016 16:31

I have noticed that deep meaningful friendships often start from sharing a difficult situation or something that you or the other person feel a bit down about.

There is some power in vulnerability. When you share things that are close to your heart, being it a life changing experience or the frustration or how rubbish you are at baking, you open your heart and let people in. Before you know it, you are surrounded by people who share a similar experience that you can laugh or cry about, and sooner than you realise you end up with a lovely group of friends.

If you give the impression of being absolutely wonderful, people may find it difficult to open up to you. So open the door to them instead so you can reach each other Smile

Xmasbaby11 · 22/02/2016 16:32

Local Facebook group. Ours is v friendly and organises meet ups.

Rafflesway · 22/02/2016 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RainbowDashed · 22/02/2016 16:34

I'm not in my 30's any more but I could have written your post. I work outside the home at the moment but I'm working my notice and I'm worried about feeling isolated once I finish. I think I will look at the local WI group. There is an active Ladies Circle round our way too but it all seems a bit structured for me, an aquantance of mine who does it is always at balls and other posh do's - not really my cuppa.

I made some friends when my youngest was still in the toddler group phase but they all went on to have more children and I went back to work f/t having declared my horror at the thought of having any more children and they drifted away. I suspect I wasn't yummy mummy hunni enough for them.

FarinaHuevos · 22/02/2016 16:35

W.I depends entirely on locality. As mentioned upthread, new urban groups often have younger members. I joined my local one when I woke up one day and realised I didn't have any friends now. I was in my mid 40s but about 25 years younger than any of the other members. They were nice women but no possibility of close friendship. Rural. New city groups were opening up a couple of years ago definitely a younger demographic.

I'm now in my 50s and still finding it hard to make new friends. The last decade has been pretty grim for keeping and making friends.

PoisonedPriestess · 22/02/2016 16:36

Seconding meetup.com here - I joined a book group and there are all sorts of walks/pub meets etc

HappyJustToBe · 22/02/2016 16:41

Roller Derby. I'm 30 and there are women younger and older. My team are like family now.

Italiangreyhound · 22/02/2016 16:46

GeordieBadger a relative moved miles away and make friends via work and a writer's group.

I agree with backforgood, find something you love. Most of my friends are from church, which attracts quite a variety of people - even those who are not overly religious all the time!

Volunteering sounds good, major charities like Oxfam and Amnesty, Anti Slavery International, Save the Children etc, may have local groups. Find something you really like, local library may help or what is sometimes called an information exchange etc.

The local adult education centre will tell you about clubs or classes. Try an art classes, cookery, ecology group or club, or one that does up old buildings, gardens, or plants an urban farm!

Or a running club, preparing together for a marathon or something.

It must be something you like or you will get bored.

Readysteadyknit · 22/02/2016 16:46

If your local WI is the wrong demographic or held at an inconvenient time, there is nothing to stop you starting your own. The WI will provide advisors to help you get started, advertise, gauge interest etc.

JapanNextYear · 22/02/2016 16:47

I made some v good friends early 30s through joining a tennis club - it was a beginners class. We all still meet up even though none of us play tennis any more. Also climbing, again a beginners indoor class that I carried on with.

I've tried lots of other things that I didn't stick with, didn't meet people through etc - just up your hit rate!

And I'm really not terribly sociable...

Itisbetternow · 22/02/2016 16:49

Join a running club.

summerainbow · 22/02/2016 16:51

I meet not many freinds thoughmy kids as they had SN . Not any though work had fun while I worked them but not out of work.
But then i got a dog brilliant I have loads. But I am not ageist. I will talk to anyone young or old male or female. You need people to a around when you are around so have to open to all ages . I was also lucky and had a lovely freindy park local to me . And I miss it now as I have moved at bit away.