to want to get married?

[Lemond1fficult]

My partner and I have been together 9 years. We live together, and are well-matched, solvent and happy. Except for one thing: We've always agreed we never want to get married. But in the last year, for reasons I don't really understand, I have completely changed my mind.

I'm not one to wait around to be proposed to, so we have discussed it. But my dp hates the idea of a formalised relationship.He wants to throw a big party for our 10th anniversary instead. (To be clear, i want a low-key registry office job and a marriage, not the whole bridal bit). Obvs I wish he would change his mind, but I have no interest in bullying him into something he doesn't want.

So here's the thing: I'm worried it's turning me into a complete nutjob. I had to go to my room at a recent wedding because I got so upset. And because it's making me so crazy, I'm actually considering ending a relationship that is the envy of our friends.

AIBU?

(though it wasn't massively costly)

Leedy, but is it possible for one of you to change some or indeed all of the legal arrangements without informing the other?

Any road up, the thing is that you have formalised your relationship. You just chose not to go down the marriage route. The problem for the OP is that her partner does not want to formalise the relationship.

So often people seem to think that formalising things is something to be done later. They dont need to do it now as the piece of paper wont change anything. Problem is that when you need to formalise the relationship it is often too late. Death, disease, relationship breakdown dont give notice tidily. They appear suddenly, often when your attention is on other things.

Leedy - there is just something too weird about placing all the legal safeguards that marriage provides and choosing not to marry.

You can't even say 'I don't believe in marriage' - because you are living as if you are. It is doubly hypocritical.

I am really curious as to what is the point of not marrying?

I'm in the same boat as you OP. Dp and I have been together for almost 10 years, and have said we won't marry, for no other reason than neither of us see the point.

For the last couple of years we've had some tough, stressful times, and now I want to marry. It terrifies me that dp's parents will have autonomy over dp, and should he pass away, they could make my dc and I homeless.

"I am really curious as to what is the point of not marrying?"

I don't think it's hypocritical or weird at all. For all that I see the advantages (and as I said upthread I may yet be forced into it for reasons of inheritance tax), I don't want to be married. I don't like it as an institution and I don't require/want state approval for my personal choice to make a life-long commitment to my partner. I think your accusation only stands if you think that all marriage is is "a bunch of legal/financial safeguards" with no other social context.

I do, however, want to ensure that DP and I don't, eg, end up having financial trouble if one of us dies. I could do the same with a sibling I shared a house with (in fact my elderly great-aunts did more or less the same thing in terms of wills, etc.), that still wouldn't make us de facto "married".