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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit pissed off about this?

26 replies

gBean · 22/02/2016 09:38

I work Tue to Thurs in a stressful job. I have 3 DC, the youngest (7) has SN and is extremely demanding and needs constant supervision. Monday is the only day I get to myself.

I've had a busy few weeks so was really looking forward to having some time to myself today.

Sister texted a few days ago - "do you fancy ikea on Monday?"
Me - "no thanks, I'm skint plus I'm looking forward to having a day to myself"

yesterday
Sis - "hi, I need to visit [my town] tomorrow are you free?"
Me - "Yeah. I was planning a day to myself but obviously if you're coming to [my town] you're welcome here"

Now she's just texted to say "let's go have a wander around"

I think I might BU. she has a toddler and a small baby and her DP works full time - I get that it can be lonely/boring.

OTOH I clearly said I wanted a day to myself but now find myself cleaning up after an awful morning and instead of curling up with a film and some peace, I am cleaning the bloody kitchen ready for dis, baby and her toddler who is terrified of my (placid but bouncy) 7 month old Labrador.

I know if I felt that strongly about a day alone I shouldn't have said you're welcome here. But I feel like a bitch for saying basically "I don't want to see you and your children today cos I want to do fuck all".

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 22/02/2016 09:40

You're too nice! Sometimes you have to be a bit selfish.

PennyHasNoSurname · 22/02/2016 09:41

This is the beauty of a text. Ignore until its too late to take her up on her plans.

cranberryx · 22/02/2016 09:42

I would personally be a bit confused as you seem to be sending mixed messages.

"Yes I am free."

I'd think, great!

"...but I am planning on spending the day on my own."

Well then you're not free at all, are you?

"Sorry sis, I have plans, have fun at Ikea!"

Plans are plans, even if they are spending time alone to recharge.

DoreenLethal · 22/02/2016 09:42

"let's go have a wander around"

Text back and say 'Actually, I am not feeling it and I need a day to myself - it's been a nightmare few weeks. Maybe next time. x'

CooPie10 · 22/02/2016 09:43

But you told her she's welcome so you gave her mixed messages. You should have just said you had to work Unexpectedly.

Original poster
gBean · 22/02/2016 09:46

I don't like to lie tho - I know I've given mixed messages. Had really shitty weekend with s2 and was just firing off a quick reply in between meltdowns. Gah. It's my own fault innit.

OP posts:
thebiscuitindustry · 22/02/2016 09:47

You need to say a clear "no". I can understand why she thought you wanted to meet up.

ComeonSummer1 · 22/02/2016 09:51

I think you need a dose of D&V don't you op?

MrsJayy · 22/02/2016 09:52

You really need to practise no are you free NOPE do you want to go to ikea NO im busy never ever tell anybody you are free they tend to want to fill up your time poor you

Original poster
gBean · 22/02/2016 09:54

I'm usually absolutely fine about saying no - lol at D&V. I am kicking myself for giving mixed messages and I think I have to just suck it up today. I've replied that if she fancies a wander she can come along on my dog walk

OP posts:
NightWanderer · 22/02/2016 09:54

Just say do you mind if I give tomorrow a miss? I had a long week and have loads to get caught up with at home. Maybe next time?

It's really not a big deal to say no.

DoreenLethal · 22/02/2016 09:57

I don't like to lie tho

It isn't a lie - as you said you have had a shitty weekend. Just say no before she sets off.

EssentialHummus · 22/02/2016 09:57

I'd be minded to either say "No" or say that you'd like the morning to yourself and are happy to have her round for a bit later on (if that's the case and would feel easier than a straight-out No). I feel for you OP - I get myself into these situations all the bloody time.

And a definite No to cleaning ahead of her visit! The labrador can probably handle the worst bits of the kitchen himself, anyway Grin

ComeonSummer1 · 22/02/2016 10:03

I get into these situations too. As women we are crap at saying no and having 'our time' Angry

diddl · 22/02/2016 10:12

I don't think the OP is really sending mixed messages.

Seems more like the sister isn't listening!

And perhaps although Op wants a quiet day, she wouldn't mind seeing her sister for an hour or so.

But if you really don'twant to see them then you do just need to say no!

MadamCroquette · 22/02/2016 10:38

It is really hard not to cave in these situations. I have to make myself remember that "I was going to have a rare day off by myself and mooch around John Lewis and go for coffee with a magazine" really IS a prior engagement - it's time for myself which I don't get often and need to stick to to preserve my sanity. So even if a friend does want to meet up, if it's not what I really want they'll have to do another time.

The thing is I think some people don't actually need that kind of me-time, they just like company. So when you say you want a day to yourself they don't really get it / don't believe you / don't think it can actually matter.

So I now don't try to explain myself - I just say "Sorry I have plans / I'm not free" and name a different day I can do. Works much better.

timeisnotaline · 22/02/2016 10:38

I'd have planned a few hours with sis given she has a toddler and a small baby and might really crave the company and a few hours on my own. If I had taken the chance at the start I might have scheduled the following week with the sis so she had something to look forward to but I wouldn't get back to my sister with a small baby and current plans at this point, much as we all need time on our own that would be rude now.

TwistyBraStrap · 22/02/2016 10:45

I don't think OP was sending mixed messages - she said twice that she was planning a day to herself.

I'd be saying - you're free to stop by for a bit if you like, but I'm planning a lazy day because I've had a crap weekend. Then stick to it!

OnlyLovers · 22/02/2016 10:46

Bit late now, but you could and should have just said 'No, sorry, I'm not free.'

Why get yourself into a flap cleaning the kitchen for her? Surely she can take you as she finds you?

DISCLAIMER I am an individual who wouldn't bother cleaning the kitchen for the Queen of England.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 22/02/2016 11:13

So she wants you to accompany her on a shopping trip so she has a spare pair of hands would be my reading of it. I doubt very much she will be interested in walking the dog. Grin

Mixed messages so you've sort of made your bed. In any case, a few hours with your sister, her baby and a toddler will probably make you appreciate your own family [in a good way] when you are a bit low !!

She must be desperate to want to go to Ikea with two small children in tow, that's all I'll say !

Original poster
gBean · 22/02/2016 11:44

After all this - she's now not coming. She phoned and said with dog walk, shopping, sorting lunch for kids etc that'd take up my whole day - a couple of "but what ARE you doing?" Type comments from her but sometimes you just need to be selfish.

OP posts:
ComeonSummer1 · 22/02/2016 11:47

Good result op.Wink

As others have said some people just don't do me time they need company all the time. Would drive me insane.

OnlyLovers · 22/02/2016 11:50

Nice one! Enjoy your lazy afternoon. Brew Cake

WonderingAspie · 22/02/2016 11:56

I used to feel the need to explain (sometimes, other times I can clearly say 'no') until I did a compassionate focused therapy course. Then I just started saying I couldn't make it, or I was busy. So much better than feeling I needed to justify myself.

Enjoy your afternoon.

LizzieMacQueen · 22/02/2016 12:00

You have a 7 month labrador? I don't think you'll ever have a completely restful day ---- but glad you're getting the chance to try without your sister.

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