To be worried about what happened at this party?

[George2014]

Ds5 has just been to a party this morning. There were many new faces there and a few he knew. After playing for a while he suddenly started getting teary that other people were being mean to him...we were watching and couldn't really see anything other than usual boy stuff but it was like the flood gates opened and he was crying his eyes out at everything...falling over, the food on the table, the wrong music being on, not having a turn at something etc the list is endless. I was dying inside....and quite worried why a 5.5yr old was behaving like a 2 yr old.

Towards the end I did see a small group of children sort of playing that ds was the chaser or baddie and they had to run away from him (he didn't even notice) and that made me feel uneasy that they were making him the one to run away from without him being in on the game. One of the boys then started saying they should throw balls at him and I intervened then and told the children they were being not nice etc and took ds away from them.

When we got home he was inconsolable about the party and then about school and saying everyone hates him, he's got no friends and the other children are mean to him when the teachers aren't looking. This came up last term and we talked to school and they were really vigilant and reported they couldn't see anything going on. I believe them, ds can't give any concrete examples of anything happening, it's more like a general low self esteem and feelings that he mustn't be liked. I've seen him at other parties with close friends and on the playground and it's been fine.

I don't know, I just feel a bit uncomfortable and worried about it all....but I'm not sure what specifically is making me feel uneasy iykwim.

Oh god...can opened.....worms everywhere.....

I wouldn't say our lives revolve around him really, but maybe I can't see it.

During the week they revolve around work as we both work full time (me nearly full time, not quite). So he's at after school clubs or Gps collect etc when I can't. Evenings are a rush of eating and jobs and bed.

During the weekend, sat morning revolves around his clubs and we just go along for the ride. The rest of the weekend is housework, days out or visiting family.

Does that sound revolved around him?

Hm I might be a bit inclined to believe your DS. My early school years were made a misery by similar behaviour (4 of us girls that everyone thought were best friends but actually 2 of them decided each day who out of me and 'x' had 'fleas' and the others all had to run off and ignore all day. It went on for several years before me and 'x' wised up and went off as friends together at the age of 8) kids can be very mean and clever at not showing it in front of adults. Having experienced that I think I would try and help my own kids in a similar position by play dates with individuals from school and also cultivating their friendships with others away from school at sports clubs, family friends etc. It might be worth getting advice from an anti bullying website too.

Both parents going to a party is a bit ott. There're as boring as fuck - why put two people through that?

Try not to overanalyse one incident. There aren't worms everywhere!

I think your Ds is someone who doesn't like being part of a big social group and prefers to play in a small group or pairing or even on his own. An unstructured, noisy party is perhaps not his idea of fun and there's nothing wrong with being like that.

Whipsglitter - I explained further up - parties here are quite social for parents and as we are new to the area / school they've been really really good for us to meet parents and make friends.

It may be an area difference but when we went to parties with 5 year olds, there would quite often be both parents there. Sometimes because they both worked so weekends were 'family' time and a chance for the DM and DF to catch up whilst the DC played. Other times, it was because they were going on to other activities.

Aplaceonthecouch - that's exactly it. It's often means a lot of siblings come to parties uninvited too!

I don't think you are over parenting by going to parties together as a family. We do if dp isn't working especially if are friends with the other parents, as you said it's an social occasion.

OP, don't worry about everyone telling you that you 'over parent', no-one else knows you or your child or your situation, and I'm sure you're doing what you feel is right. If others go as couples to a party and stay, then why shouldn't you? As a parent of a once extremely anxious little boy, who is now a (reasonably) confident 12 yr old, I would say to go with what you feel is right.
Do what you can to boost his self esteem, give him opportunties to become more resilient when he's ready, try not to over indulge when he's saying no-one likes him, offer positive ways for him to make friends. Etc! That's what I'd do anyway (but I'm far from perfect!)

yy - the siblings coming along happens here too so another reason for both parents to be there is because they're watching more than one child and they're playing in different areas because they're different ages.

If both parents turned up at a party and stayed I would be . I feel like my hostessing skills are being scrutinised!!

Honestly, this sounds like the stresed side of normal to me.
Sometimes other dc are a bit unkind, they play games that other children don't want to play, boss children around, yabadabadooo.
Then on the flip side, sometimes dc are really over sensitive, one of my dts sounds similar to your ds, he gets very overwrought on occasions and thinks people don't like him.

Really wips?

You wouldn't just think they wanted to see their children having fun?

And the random yabadabadooo in my original post was supposed to be yada yada yada

Awful beryl - that's how it is here too. We know both parents well so it was social (or not as it actually turned out to be!). I guess we don't both go because ds needs / wants it, it's because we want to a. See him have fun and b. Socialise with other parents and get to know them. At ds party, his friend turned up with mum, dad and 3 siblings and no one bat an eyelid (expect me - was very new then!). There were many other siblings too and parents. The last party before this one was 8 invited but as whole family groups so there were 16-20 adults and around 20 kids.

Honestly no! But it's probably reflective of the school my kids go to! It's off putting if you are trying to maintain control or do party games and parents are watching. It makes me self conscious.

My experience of only children is that they don't fight for parental attention they play the games they want rather than suggested games they don't have to share toys or tv etc

This would help if you could share with him - No it's my turn to pick a game - buy one bar of chocolate to share - mine turn first in the bath etc

He will learn sharing games can be fun

He sounds just like my son at that age. He too was very intelligent for his age,and I think this made him a little impatient with his peers. It's hard to deal with, we wanted him to learn to be a patient friend, but also, not discourage him from working hard, or make him feel he had to downplay his natural abilities in order to fit in.
He did suffer from some bullying, which the school dealt with extremely well, but we had to admit that maybe his attitude was partly to blame.
All I can say is keep going, keep an eye on the situation, keep reminding him to be kind and patient even if others are not, and he will be ok.
My son is now 17, has a great group of friends and is apparently known as the " mum" of the group, as he looks after them all.
(It really only came home to me how grown up he was for 5 when my second son went to school......bless him, he was such a baby in comparison.)

Ah you see we would all just muck in, and probably drink a bit of wine and eat cake together. We got to know each other at baby / toddler groups though so have alreay seen each other sing. Once I have sung wind the bloody bobbin up in front of an adult I really don't mind doing anything silly.

Sally well, yes, sharing games can be fun if the other children are sharing too. It's a bit odd that you automatically jumped to blaming the OP's DC.

Ha! I went to a party where the mum got us all to sit in a circle and sing with the kids. I died inside.

Fivegomad - he's super intelligent too and some of what you say rings true for ds! School constantly say that as he's physically big and academically 2-3 yes ahead they have to remember that he's just 5 socially.

Sally - actually ds is great at sharing. He loves board games with children and adults. Likes to win but is fine if doesn't, doesn't have to go first etc. Loves to share his sweet treats. Thrives on being told what to do in games / activities (from someone who isn't us!), loves the structure of school despite liking doing his own thing.

It's more that he's into his own little games. He's got a very vivid imagination and likes to get lost in his own small world type play. He likes to play with others but loves to do this on his own and knows his own mind as to when he wants to do it.

My son also has a tendency to go the negative on his off days. He is quite emotional, quick to cry get upset etc. I remember talking to the health visitor about it and she said he was immature with no self containment. He is a delightful child, funny, kind, cheeky etc. But on his off moments everything is wrong and so bleak, he has no friends, everyone is rude to him. He will refer back to years ago for example 'when I was reception Xxxx was rude to me' He is now 8 nearly 9. We tend to brush it off, saying but that was years ago and you have got friends etc. Look at the parties and playdates you are invited to. We reaffirm I wasn't rude to you and Daddy wasn't rude and try to get him to focus on more positive aspects. He still does it but we can get him out of it pretty quickly and they are becoming less.

As for the only child/over parenting comments, my son is a twin and his sister has never behaved like this.

May try to get that sensitive child book though.