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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset with my husband?

41 replies

FuckingAnxietyAndCitalopram · 21/02/2016 08:16

I'm so upset tonight, but I'm not sure if I have grounds. I'm anorexic. Was very much recovering but have had a massive setback recently. I've also recently finished treatment for cancer. I've had over 8 surgeries, it hasn't been easy.

Tonight I made dinner for the kids, which (shamefully) included oven chips. Once I'd dealt them out there were about 6-9 chips left. For some bizarre reason I actually ate two of them, which made me feel disgusting, and ashamed, but I enjoyed the taste. Fast forward three minutes and DH got really pissed off with me. Apparently he said he was going to have the leftover chips in a butty but I hadn't left him enough, and had "spoiled" his butty. Even though his dinner was in the oven and the butty would only have been a 'starter'.

He made me feel really shit for eating at all. I honestly didn't hear him say he wanted those chips for w butty and certainly wouldn't have touched them if I knew he wanted them. In fact I generally wouldn't have eaten them at all. I just feel he could have been more sensitive given my issues, and the fact that he's been aware of them for 14+ years.

Or am I being over sensitive? I honestly don't know.

Can't believe this has happened as we are generally very happy but he just can't understand why this has upset me so much. I feel like a disgusting pig.

OP posts:
allegretto · 21/02/2016 08:19

He sounds really insensitive - and there is nothing shameful about oven chips - they're just potatoes!

sandgrown · 21/02/2016 08:19

Ignore him. You deserve a little bit of something you fancy to eat .Do not feel guilty !

Lilybensmum1 · 21/02/2016 08:23

Hi OP I don't think you are being over sensitive your DH was being very unreasonable and very unsupportive. You have been, and are still going through a lot just try to write it off as one of those things, please don't let it get to you and escalate your anorexia, easier said than done I know.

It sounds like you are coping well under the circumstances. I have recently disclosed my eating disorder and find people say the strangest things. Hope your day gets better today. Flowers

Katenka · 21/02/2016 08:24

I think the problem is, he didn't realise that this comment would have such an impact.

Assuming he has been with you through you recovery from anorexia. He really should have bloody known the impact this sort of comment can have.

It does sound like you are struggling at the moment. Do you think you need some proper help to stop you relapsing.

If he is generally a good husband and person and just didn't think, I would try not to be too angry with him.

But is this a pattern of behaviour for him?

Thanks for you.

WheresMrMonkey · 21/02/2016 08:24

Your not a pig... You know that. Really hope your soon on the way up x

mix56 · 21/02/2016 08:44

So sorry but it sounds like he is the Pig. he begrudges you 2 chips?
It would be laughable, if you weren't recovering from Anorexia. His dinner was on the way.
It looks like he has forgotten your long battle, & it has become invisible.
I'm not surprised for a second that you are upset.
Tell him from me to Fuck Off.

MariontheSteamShovel · 21/02/2016 08:47

Given that he would know about your anorexia, that was extremely insensitive of him. YANBU AT ALL.

mrsmeerkat · 21/02/2016 08:49

He is really nasty actually. Anorexia aside or even cancer aside. It's very wrong. But the fact that you have been so unwell

... I am appalled.

Spandexpants007 · 21/02/2016 08:51

He's a knob

Hissy · 21/02/2016 08:56

Left over chips? If you'd have given them to the kids, they'd not have been left over. If you had have eaten the very few chips yourself they were not left over.

His dinner was in the oven ffs, he's the greedy and actually bloody insensitive one.

You, my lovely, are not a pig, not in any way shape or form. You have nothing to feel shame or disgust for.

Do you have a counsellor? Sounds like you need a boost to your thinking to get you back on the straight and narrow.

Hope you are feeling better today, I'll be thinking of you. (((Hug)))

0hCrepe · 21/02/2016 08:59

So the grabby git wanted you to be a mind reader as well? Sounds like he was thinking of nothing but his precious butty. I don't think he was meaning to be insensitive (though he was) but he was certainly being greedy.

Shoveyergrannyaffabus · 21/02/2016 09:00

He sounds selfish and unthinking. I hope he is normally more supportive of you.

whattheseithakasmean · 21/02/2016 09:04

Oven chips aren't shameful. Eating chips is not shameful. Wanting a chip butty is not shameful. It is just food, don't empower it with intense emotions.

Your DH's actions sound upsetting, but if you have been together a long time, I work on the basis he is not always like this. It is tough supporting someone through illness and he maybe wasn't on top form. I think you need to be kind to each other and not turn food into a flashpoint.

diddl · 21/02/2016 09:08

He's the disgusting pig!

If he wanted a chip butty starter he should have made sure that there were enough chips put in.

I would have either dished them all out or eaten all of the few that weren't dished out!

Blimey-his dinner was cooking, it's not as if he was to be left with nothing!

3sugarsplease · 21/02/2016 09:10

He's a complete and utter fucking tosspot

Wolpertinger · 21/02/2016 09:21

Oven chips aren't shameful. The bizarre reason you ate two is that they are tasty.

Is your husband an abusive arse who was cross you spoilt his butty?

Or are you in a fog because of how much you have on your plate right now and he's actually a sweet guy who made a joke about 'oh no, you spoilt my butty' which was a bit insensitive but went right over your head because frankly you can't see it right now?

Even the most sensitive of people, doesn't manage to be sensitive 100% of the time.

I hope you are getting some support and counselling Flowers

OfficeGirl1969 · 21/02/2016 09:22

He's a nasty bloke. A nasty, unkind piece of work, and it makes me wonder if he's often like this, and if maybe he's partly responsible for your eating disorder Sad

When OH and I first got together I had a dreadful relationship with food and consistently starved myself, following years of spite regarding eating/eight/appearance from XH.
OH was so chilled about food and craftily tapped into my mind to work out the few things I wasn't hung up about eating. He filled the fridge and cupboards with these things, and every time he "caught me" secretly eating one of them, there was congratulation and celebration. I can't imagine how different my recovery would have been if he'd treated me like you have been treated.

You need to surround yourself with people who will support you, and that's not him.

From my side....well done for eating chips, even if only a couple, and well done for enjoying the taste Grin He's wrong, and you deserve better.

deregistered · 21/02/2016 09:27

I don't think anyone can say he's a 'nasty bloke' going by this one scenario!

OP is he normally supportive, sensitive and kind about your eating disorder? Or has this kind of comment happened before?

Every single one of us makes mistakes and says the wrong thing at the wrong time. It doesn't make us terrible people.

I'm sorry you are having a tough time and wish you weren't punishing yourself over such a small amount of food Sad Thanks

Moln · 21/02/2016 09:31

On reading you OP my thoughts were the same as OfficeGirl1969. I would suspect he has a lot to do with your anorexia, or more deliberately interfers with your recovery. Has he before shamed you about eating or food?

ZenNudist · 21/02/2016 09:31

Your h is insensitive and I think you should congratulate yourself on eating the 2 chips unthinkingly. I shoes you are developing a healthier relationship with food. Don't let your h's comment set you back into overanalysing and shame. Give him short shrift and remind him that he needs to take your food issues seriously.

theycallmemellojello · 21/02/2016 09:36

You're not a pig. But presuming that your dh is normally supportive I'd cut him some slack. It's not worth falling out over one comment, particularly one that would have been fine in another context. If he's always like this that's another matter.

Original poster
FuckingAnxietyAndCitalopram · 21/02/2016 09:48

I think the real reason I've posted is because I'm so surprised by how dh acted. He's always been so supportive over my eating disorder but honestly couldn't seem to see how much he had upset me over the chip debacle. I love him so much and I know he loves me, but his I insensitivity over this has astounded me.

If I'm being honest, I know my ED is once again out of control, and ok now how unfair it is to force my DH to partake in it with me. I wouldn't blame him if he left me.

For eg. He came home last week and discovered that I'd licked every single crisp from a packet, and was getting ready to bin them, but didn't judge me, just binned them for me and moved on. Not many people would do that for you.

I'm not sure why he reacted as he did today. Maybe he's just had enough of me.

OP posts:
diddl · 21/02/2016 09:53

Hopefully if he's usually supportive you can sort things out.

I mean really that's him being odd about food, isn't it?

Sometimes I thuink that's I'll have something if there's enough left, but if it doesn't happen you just let it go, not shout!

I've often said that you should be able to buy packets of just the flavourings!

Wolpertinger · 21/02/2016 09:55

I've never had an eating disorder but I have had depression and I know that when I have depression a lot of my reactions to things are just plain screwy.

And my DH is lovely but when I am depressed I am exhausting to live with and he finds me quite baffling and doesn't manage to get it 'right' all the time as frankly even I don't know what 'right' is.

I doubt very much he's had enough of you given how supportive you know he is and the many times he's shown how much he really loves you.

But are you getting some help with your ED right now? Surviving cancer is tough. Medics tend to expect you just to be delighted about it - there isn't much focus on the psychology and really you are often left to fend for yourself.

JOEYDOESNTSHAREFOOD · 21/02/2016 09:56

I think what we need to remember is that not only is the OP going through a lot, her husband is too. His wife has cancer and he will be well aware that the anorexia is about to come to the fore again - especially given the crisp licking incident he's witnessed. Cut the man some slack.PPs are BLAMING him for the anorexia.

OP - if this is genuinely the first time he's ever said something even remotely unsupportive then I think you just need to move on, accept your view is clouded. I don't think he's "had enough of you".