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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset with my husband?

41 replies

FuckingAnxietyAndCitalopram · 21/02/2016 08:16

I'm so upset tonight, but I'm not sure if I have grounds. I'm anorexic. Was very much recovering but have had a massive setback recently. I've also recently finished treatment for cancer. I've had over 8 surgeries, it hasn't been easy.

Tonight I made dinner for the kids, which (shamefully) included oven chips. Once I'd dealt them out there were about 6-9 chips left. For some bizarre reason I actually ate two of them, which made me feel disgusting, and ashamed, but I enjoyed the taste. Fast forward three minutes and DH got really pissed off with me. Apparently he said he was going to have the leftover chips in a butty but I hadn't left him enough, and had "spoiled" his butty. Even though his dinner was in the oven and the butty would only have been a 'starter'.

He made me feel really shit for eating at all. I honestly didn't hear him say he wanted those chips for w butty and certainly wouldn't have touched them if I knew he wanted them. In fact I generally wouldn't have eaten them at all. I just feel he could have been more sensitive given my issues, and the fact that he's been aware of them for 14+ years.

Or am I being over sensitive? I honestly don't know.

Can't believe this has happened as we are generally very happy but he just can't understand why this has upset me so much. I feel like a disgusting pig.

OP posts:

Katenka · 21/02/2016 10:09

You know your ED is getting out of control again. Please seek help.

If he is usually supportive, try and forgive him.

My mum had mental health problems and so have I. So have seen it from both sides. It's near impossible to get it right every time. To never speak without thinking through. It's exhausting.

I expect he knows deep down why it's upset you, but he may just be exhausted with it all.

That's not to say he will leave you though

OfficeGirl1969 · 21/02/2016 10:10

I'm glad to read OP's update that he's usually supportive and that this is a price relationship, it makes all the difference with the issues they're experiencing. I suspect he's struggling seeing what OP is going through and possibly feeling a bit helpless which may be what made him snappy. Good to see that he's not as we thought initially.

OP I really hope that if you have the good relationship your described above, you may be able to explain to him how he made you feel, I think you both need each other right now.

thatcoldfeeling · 21/02/2016 10:14

Much empathy with the ED. Your husband really SHOULD know better. This would send me into a total spiral, I so understand and I don't think it is okay at all, he should know that this would be incredibly triggering.

diddl · 21/02/2016 10:15

They are both going through a lot, but snapping at anyone for not being able to have a chip butty is just ridiculous imo.

Perhaps it could have been about anything & it's just unfortunate that it was about food.

Look after yourself & each other Op & I hope you can access some help if neessary.

pictish · 21/02/2016 10:33

Have none of you ever unthinkingly snapped over something trivial? None of you?

OP - I'm sorry this incident has left you feeling low. Your husband snapping over the chips probably wasn't intended to wound your soul though. It was peevish of him, yes...but thoughtless in a way that to me, is very human.

It might have been preferable if he had considered the implications of his words before he said them out loud, but to get it right every single time is to expect you and your issues to be at the very forefront of his thoughts at all times and that's a big ask.

You say he's supportive overall...maybe on this occasion it really was all about the bloody butty. Just the buttie. A less than perfect reaction from a less than perfect human being.

I hope you are able to find help to get on top of what is happening to you and the way it makes you feel. Good luck. x

RJnomore1 · 21/02/2016 10:36

I'm going to put a different side out there.

People talk about "hanger" as if it's joke. It isn't. I am ridiculous if I need fed. I know it, I can hear myself, it's a real struggle to control it. I don't know how hungry your dh was but if it was me and I'd seen my snack diminish I could easily have said something as tactless.

It doesn't make it right but it means it's not coming from a place of dislike, honest op, I wouldn't have thought you were a pig is just have had my own food needs wailing at me so yes selfish but human. If he's usually supportive can you give him leeway for being human, not always getting it right, and still loving you and wanting the best for you?

I could join in saying two oven chips is not an issue to eat but I guess it doesn't matter how many of us tell you that does it, you've got to work through that yourself.

for you.

theycallmemellojello · 21/02/2016 10:43

Are you getting help for your ED? Someone close to me was anorexic, and she focussed a lot in therapy about withstanding 'triggers' like this - which realistically will arise throughout your life, even from loved ones.

Honestly, I would not conclude that your DH has 'had enough' or anything like that. I would conclude that he fancied chips and there were less left-overs than he'd hoped. And as a pp says, he might have been starving and 'hangry'. Yes, the sensitive and right thing to do would have been to keep his mouth shut. But everyone makes mistakes. So in the context of him being supportive, I'd let it go. It can be very hurtful when an anorexic person interprets someone else's innocent comment as a reason not to eat when this is not how it's meant. In general, it is absolutely draining supporting an anorexic person. If his support is usually good then you're doing yourself and him a disservice by pushing him away over something minor.

pictish · 21/02/2016 10:48

I'm balking at some of the replies on here. Disgusting pig? Utter fucking tosspot?

Some of you could have a fight in a phone box, you really could.

ouryve · 21/02/2016 10:50

Not over sensitive at all. That was an horrible thing for him to do to you.

Osolea · 21/02/2016 11:09

I think you're in danger of over thinking this.

You and your DH are both under a lot of stress, and your upset over this has way more to do with your eating disorder than it has to do with your DHs reaction to his disappointment over a chip butty.

It's ridiculous for people to call him nasty etc for this, pretty much everyone would feel a bit gutted if they'd been looking forward to eating something and it had been eaten by someone else. It was just a misunderstanding over a coupes of chips, and your DH didn't make you feel shit for eating the chips, you felt shit for eating them already, and while it sounds like he coudo have played down his disappointment a lot more, he can't be expected to walk on eggshells all the time and to never be allowed to say anything just because it's food related.

You need to talk to one another, put it into perspective and move on.

CooPie10 · 21/02/2016 11:12

I really think he didn't do anything wrong except for moaning about the chips.

pictish · 21/02/2016 11:13

Osolea I concur.

CooPie10 · 21/02/2016 11:14

You felt the way you did because of your problems, it's understandable though. It must be exhausting as well for him to constantly be on alert about saying anything that might be taken the wrong way. As you say he's very supportive so I think you need to give him a break as well.

Original poster

FuckingAnxietyAndCitalopram · 21/02/2016 23:57

Been thinking a lot about this (in a different time zone too so have slept on it). I think I did overreact. That's not to say that I still don't think he wasn't being a little insensitive, I just think he didn't think. Which is fair enough. My ED is my problem. And he really is incredibly patient. He doesn't get angry with me when he clearly sees me not eat for days, or eat something then throw up (which I try to hide but he's not stupid).

I've seen three therapists and haven't gelled with any of them. I want to fix this, but I'm also terrified of gaining weight. I need to go and stay with family soon and I've no idea how I'm going to appear normal. We live in a different country so none of my family have any idea. I don't want them to know, because I'm ashamed of it.

OP posts:

Katenka · 22/02/2016 06:35

Op I agree he was insensitive but he isn't what other people have called him on this thread. It's hard to do the right thing every time. For anyone, we all snap and/or make mistakes.

Maybe return to your doctor and discuss options. for you.

thatcoldfeeling · 24/02/2016 07:53

Oh I SO understand the thing with family. Mine have no idea either, if it is ever mentioned I look like I have lost weight it is hideous. I can't bear having to try so hard to eat what seems to be normally. It is so hard. At least you have your DH who (this incident aside) should support you. x

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