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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be done with making friends?

36 replies

Cake0rdeath · 21/02/2016 00:05

DH says I need to make more of an effort. Honestly, I can't be arsed.

Never been one for quantity of friends; always had a nice, small group who I could call on should I need anything. A mix of uni friends, school friends and ex-colleagues-all of whom I collected when I was in my teens/early-'mid twenties and, as DH so kindly puts it, nicer and more sociable.

As I've got older, this friendship group has dwindled from regular meet-ups to 1/2 times a year meetings (usually with kids in tow). My two "best' friends have moved abroad and visit every now and then.

I maintain I'm too old (mid 30s) so be "making friends". I don't want to go out and get shitfaced every weekend. I don't want to "bond" over bands and mutual interests. I'm too bloody old. At most I want a nice dinner, a bottle of wine, a bit of chat, some music and to be in bed by midnight. If this is a once a year event when my friends are back home then so be it.

DH is convinced I should be working hard to make new friends to fill the void. I maintain that making friends just for the sake of it is not really anything but friendship of convenience. Why bother if I'm content with the way things are? It's not perfect and I wish I could see my friends more often, but there's no point trying to manipulate a friendship "just because"

OP posts:

pilpiloni · 21/02/2016 00:17

Why does it bother your dh so much if you're happy as you are?

I've found now that my new friendships develop from work or kids, not going out and getting drunk. I'm not actively searching but certainly enjoy meeting people I click with as potential new friends, why not?

pilpiloni · 21/02/2016 00:17

Why does it bother your dh so much if you're happy as you are?

Fatmomma99 · 21/02/2016 00:23

The ways I've made friends in the past 20 or so years:
Other parents
New colleagues (when I've started a new job)
New hobbies (I now exercise regularly).

These have all brought delight and enrichment to me, but have all been part of something else, which was the priority. The new friends were an unexpected bonus.

(Just realised I'm posting this on the bottom of page 1 and there are 3 pages. sorry if the thread has moved on... Will discover shortly....)

Fatmomma99 · 21/02/2016 00:24

oh no.... 3 messages, not 3 pages. I need to go to bed!

Faye12345 · 21/02/2016 00:30

Im 29 and feel this way. Have 5 close mates i see at least one or two every fortnight. New people are too much hassle!

VimFuego101 · 21/02/2016 00:34

If you're happy as you are, then your DH IBU. I'm not really into having 'friends for the sake of it', if I can't find people I have something in common with I'd rather not bother socializing.

pnutter · 21/02/2016 00:35

Whats his beef? I can't do new anything at 45 let alone friends ☺

Faye12345 · 21/02/2016 00:36

Is 29 young to feel like this?

Fatmomma99 · 21/02/2016 00:42

I think it's a life stage thing.

When I got together with DH we lost some friends and made others, but our main interest was shagging each other. So MAINLY we lost friends and spent time together.
Then (eventually) we had a DD and she had play-dates, and we bonded with other parents over those and on the playground.

Over this time, I've started new jobs and made friends there, etc. If your priority is your partner, you're not going to be making friends particularly (unless you're into some kinky sex thing!). But if life dictates throwing you into a new situation with new people, you're likely to meet one or two that you get on with. So, if (for example) you move house because you want a bigger one (for DC) or a better location for schools or whatever, you might then meet new people and some of them might become friends.

None of it a forced thing.

I think if you're with a new-ish partner and just want to jump each other, you're not really going to make loads of new friends.

MattDillonsPants · 21/02/2016 01:12

I'm 43 OP and I think my DH would love it if I had a gang of "girls" that I met up with regularly. I'm fine and don't need that. My set up is like yours. A few close mates scattered across the globe...we meet when we can...like ships in the night but I KNOW that were I destitute tomorrow then I could turn up at their doors and have a home.

That's friendship. It doesn't matter that you're not together physically. I am happy doing my own thing.

rhodes2015 · 21/02/2016 01:26

im 31 op and I feel exactly the same. I have 2 best friends (& about 4 acquaintances that come as part of the package of being friends with them) & we go out as a group (meal, few drinks, home by midnight) about once every 2/3 months. & i have 2 ladies at work who i go out with about twice a year! thatl do me!

Original poster

Cake0rdeath · 21/02/2016 07:34

We've been together for 11 years so he's had front row seats for the gradual decline of my friendship groups.

Since having DS I'm even less interested-I have no mummy friends because I work FT and never did baby groups because DS was a refluxy screaming mess 99.9% of the time.
My work colleagues are fine but it's not really a profession where you see other people that much.
I think DH is just concerned that I'm putting my "friendship" energy into working or mooching on the couch with Netflix. He's maintained his friendships -and continues to develop new friendships through sport/work-a lot better than I have and is clearly starting to notice the differences in how often we're each out of the house. Maybe he's feeling guilty for his packed social life while I'm pretty much always at home to look after DS. Who knows?

OP posts:

Naty1 · 21/02/2016 08:05

Im the same. Most friendships are from school or uni.
I tried making new friends at antenatal group but really had little in common.
I think its possible womens friendships are different to men. They seem more open to differences and dont need to be 'best friends' .
They just dont seem as cliquey.
It seems a lot easier to annoy women and they like to cut people out/manipulate so they are centre of the group.
Now cant really be bothered.

TheSkiingGardener · 21/02/2016 08:12

Forcing a friendship is never likely to end well anyway. I'd say that as long as you are open to new friendships if they develop then what's the problem? You're happy, you're not cutting yourself off from human contact and if you meet someone through work or otherwise who you click with you'd probably end up being friends. The people who befriend everyone and are constantly looking for new friends never end up as long term friends form what I can see, That suits some people but I prefer having a handful of good, long term friendships.

BillBrysonsBeard · 21/02/2016 08:13

MattDillons Why would your DH like it if you had a gang of girls?

OP I'm the same as you- my friends are all scattered and I see them rarely, but we know we care about each other. I've never had a gang of girl friends, I'm more into one on one friendships. And I don't feel like I have the energy to see friends regularly like some people do. Maybe it's because DP is my best friend? Does your DH know you're content with this? I can only think he's mentioning it because he suspects you're not, otherwise why would he be bothered what you do.

sandgrown · 21/02/2016 08:17

When you have young children it is hard to have the time , energy and money for maintaining friendships. I am so glad I made the effort though because when my ex walked out it was my friends who got me through as family were miles away. It is the other way round at our house. I go out with friends at least once a week but DP just goes out occasionally with his son. The couples we go out with together tend to be my friends and their husbands. I used to feel guilty but he seems happy to stay in.

RubyRoseViolet · 21/02/2016 08:27

It's obviously up to you. I think you're both right. I do understand how you feel. I have a large number of friends but a small number of close friends. I learned a while ago that you certainly don't need masses.

I feel the same about going out and drinking, it's not my thing at all. I tend to meet friends for a coffee in the daytime instead.

All I would say is that there may come a point where you feel a bit fed up with NetFlix and mooching and wished you had a few more people to meet up with. Also...you're certainly not old!!!

Katenka · 21/02/2016 08:35

My dh is like you. I am more sociable.

I just let him get on with it. He has one proper friend who he speaks to every day. He lives 200 miles away so rarely meet up.

The only time I mention it when I can see it bothering him that I have a more full social life, due to my hobby.

The rest of the time I leave it. It's when I can see he is bored or wants to do something or is generally down about it. Sometimes he makes me feel bad for having friends. Not on purpose, just that I can see he feels shit he doesn't have anyone to go out with.

It depends on where you dh is coming from. If it's genuinely not an issue for you and you aren't making him feel he shouldn't have friends than he should drop it

AlpacaMyThings · 21/02/2016 08:46

I could be you. I've lost more friends over the years than gained, but that's because friends come with problems and I cba sorting someone elses life out. I'm past that.

I have a handful of friends I meet very occasionally for coffee and cake and that's enough for me. I much prefer spending time by myself.

I do think friendships develop rather than are manufactured so who knows what the future holds.

Travelledtheworld · 21/02/2016 08:50

I am generally happy with my own company but have lots of friends from different backgrounds and with different interests who help give me a broad perspective on life.

I Think it's healthy to have some friends, and some sort of support network of people who will help you through difficult times in your life, or just to share the good times with.

But each to their own, don't get too hung up on it.

1frenchfoodie · 21/02/2016 08:53

He wants you to fill a void but you don't feel one - it seems to me that is what he needs to understanf. I am a similar age with a handful of friends and close relatives and don't need to be shooed out of the house to make friends like I am a a child. But I am very socially lazy and the odd prod to keep in touch with friends I do have doesn't, in all honesty, go amis.

ClashCityRocker · 21/02/2016 08:56

If you're happy the way things are, then you're happy, end of.

I don't have many friends, just a couple of very close friends. I don't have a great deal of emotional energy and when I've tried to intentionally become 'friends' with people it hasn't worked out. It's something that, in my case at least, needs to happen completely organically.

potoftea · 21/02/2016 09:09

I think if you are only mid thirties you have maybe 50 years of life ahead, and feel you really can't expect not to develop new friendships in that time.
Your husband probably worries that you will have a void in your life, if he has known you to have benefited from friends up to now. Maybe he feels under pressure to be "more" to you than he had to be previously.
I certainly wouldn't say you need to actively search out new friends, but equally would feel its important to have people around you who fulfill different roles in your life. I've seen many women of my mother's generation who were lost as widows as they had used their husbands and children as their whole world for most of their lives, and were isolated when left alone.

Amibambini · 21/02/2016 10:09

I really agree with potoftea. You may feel ok (or tell yourself you are ok) with work, tv and kids now.. but life moves fast despite not feeling like it sometimes. You can easily one day look around you and realise that you have nothing interesting going on and no-one to share it with. I've seen it happen to a few older relatives in my life and it's quite a lonely and boring place to be.

I'm also concerned that you feel making friends only happens with getting shitfaced etc, only happening in the way it does or did when you were in your early twenties. That's a very limited view, and so un-true. In fact your whole post makes me think of one word, a number of times. Limited.

This is going to sound kind of harsh, I apologise for this but from the sound of it, from the sound of your husbands concerns I'm just going to come out and say it, (you wouldn't be posting on this site if you weren't up for some less than fluffy opinions..) Whenever I meet someone and I ask about their lives, and their answer is work, netflix, kids.. I do privately think to myself 'poor them, how boring, but each to their own'. And they are often kinda boring people.

Could it be that you are becoming a bit boring and insular? Could it be that your husband is out and about being social, doing his hobbies, interacting with other sociable human beings.. and really noticing the difference when he gets home?

If you are truly happy being a work/tv/occasional meet up with an old friend person, then so be it. But your pessimistic and unrealistic attitude to what it might entail to make new friends suggests otherwise.

I'm in my late 30's and don't have a big group of girly mates who I drink wine with, I haven't since my twenties, and that's ok. But I do have quite a lot of individual and small groups of buddies met through shared interests, hobbies, work, kids, neighbourhood, community & volunteer type projects, so there is always something going on which both makes me feel mentally stimulated, socially connected and also brings interesting new stuff into the relationship I have with my partner.

Go sign up to a hobby, get off the couch. Life is short.

Amibambini · 21/02/2016 10:47

I've just re-read your original post.. and dare I say it but are you possibly afraid of putting yourself out there? And by using the excuse that it's too hard, you can't be arsed getting pissed and bonding over music (like a teenager), you let yourself off the hook?

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