To be done with making friends?

[Cake0rdeath]

DH says I need to make more of an effort. Honestly, I can't be arsed.

Never been one for quantity of friends; always had a nice, small group who I could call on should I need anything. A mix of uni friends, school friends and ex-colleagues-all of whom I collected when I was in my teens/early-'mid twenties and, as DH so kindly puts it, nicer and more sociable.

As I've got older, this friendship group has dwindled from regular meet-ups to 1/2 times a year meetings (usually with kids in tow). My two "best' friends have moved abroad and visit every now and then.

I maintain I'm too old (mid 30s) so be "making friends". I don't want to go out and get shitfaced every weekend. I don't want to "bond" over bands and mutual interests. I'm too bloody old. At most I want a nice dinner, a bottle of wine, a bit of chat, some music and to be in bed by midnight. If this is a once a year event when my friends are back home then so be it.

DH is convinced I should be working hard to make new friends to fill the void. I maintain that making friends just for the sake of it is not really anything but friendship of convenience. Why bother if I'm content with the way things are? It's not perfect and I wish I could see my friends more often, but there's no point trying to manipulate a friendship "just because"

I'd completely agree that I am limited and increasingly insular. I don't have hobbies for a number of reasons. First, my work pretty much takes over everything. It's not uncommon for me to still be working at 11pm after a full day-I know its not healthy but it's the only way to keep on top of the workload. I am actively seeking ways of scaling back and will hopefully have less of a demanding workload on the next round of projects.
Secondly, I have no real interests. Sad, I know, but I've never found a hobby that feels worth giving up time and energy for. I'm not sporty at all (I'll go to the gym -less so now because of DS and childcare) and not crafty or arty. I don't put myself "out there" as free time is precious and I don't want to waste it on an activity at which I am no good at, nor enjoy, just for the sake of seeming "sociable"
You're right-there is a danger that when DS leaves home or if something happens between DH and me, I'll be lonely. I will have people to talk to but no-one on hand to fill the void. It is concerning.

I have a friend like you, she sometimes comments wistfully on my ability to make new friends post-early 20s (we're both in mid-30s now), yet I know she is actually very happy with her situation and has no desire to be out and about meeting new people. My friend is quite introverted and does enjoy her own company, her DP enjoys even more time on his own than she does. I'm sensing a certain ambivalence from your posts, are you sure you actually want to make new friends? If you're happy with your life just as it is you don't have to change it, despite the opinions of a bunch of randomers on the Internet. If you do want to make new friends it will probably be something that happens quite naturally at places you visit regularly such as work, school gates/baby groups, hobbies, religious groups, friends of friends, etc. Not everyone you meet will be a friend but you will always meet a few people you click with.

Sorry X post

Is there parent groups you could attend where you might meet like minded people without losing family time, or are your children too old for this sort of thing?

Does your DH feel that you're a bit dependent on him? Or he might feel bad about going out without you, when you have no one to go out with?

My DPs have no friends other than each other, and I do think that they're a bit insular and that they'd be happier and more interesting if they knew more people. I also think that they've kind of lost the ability to socialise. I think they're very vulnerable as well - if something should happen to one of them, the other would find it very hard too cope.

I also have no idea why you equate friendship with getting drunk, that seems very odd.

Although I had established friendship groups from school and uni, and hadn't set out particularly to add to that, I have made quite a few friends in the area since my DD started school - I had just turned 40. This school is seemingly unique in that almost all the mums (and dads) are lovely and I have developed a few close friendships from the wider group.

the equating friendships with going out and drinking stems from the fact that that was how friendships were forged in early 20s. I haven't really picked up any new friends since then, bar a few folk I have picked up along the way through work. It's not that I think that in order to make new friends I have to go drinking, it's just that it was what made it a must easier process when I was younger. I'm way too old for that now.

Hey Cake. Hope you have had a lovely Sunday.
Just thought I'd respond to your last two posts, I did read them but have been out all day doing usual Sunday mum stuff.

Whoa that kind of workload, plus parenting.. of course you'll feel like doing nothing but slobbing out on the couch. The sooner you claw some time back for yourself the better.

TV is such a soothing panacea after a long day but I find it can become a crutch, lulling you into a safe, soporific daze where you don't need other outside stimulation. When you break the trance it opens up a whole world of interest, conversation and just the head space to really examine yourself and what you'd like to do to be happy and connected to the world and people around you.

Just give something, anything a go. You don't need to be good at something to do it, just think of it as learning something new. I'm not, and never have been musical, but at the grand old age of 38 I have started to learn the ukulele. It's a rather silly instrument but there are classes and pub sessions everywhere and there is a real joy in playing and singing along with other people, and I'm quite bad at both those things but it really doesn't matter. It gets me out of the house, away from mum-life for a bit. It's a laugh and not at all serious.

If you told me in my early 30's that I'd be strumming along in pubs and also playing complicated boardgames with strangers I'd think you were a bit loopy. But these two different, non-serious, activities have enriched my life just by bringing me in contact with other people who are up for learning, playing and chatting.

Anyway, I hope you find the right balance between work, family, netflix and cool stuff that stimulates you and allows you to meet interesting people who may or may not become your new friends but whatever it's about you being happy in yourself. Good luck!

Maybe he wants you out of the house so he can have a quiet duvet day himself

Oops! Profuse apologies for the . DS5 jumped on here earlier while I was on the phone and must have figured out how to post them!

I'm a (young) 52 and I have few friends. We moved awhile ago and it's Hard to make new friends not just someone to chat with at the school pickup, I mean a real close mate. I tried Really hard at first but we're in a transient area so people come and go and a few women that looked like they would be good friends moved.

I am also in Utah and am not Mormon, so although people are 'nice' they are not interested in real friendship if you don't share their religion. So that cuts out a lot of people. We had gobs of women come over to welcome us until they realized we weren't Mormon and weren't going to convert. I don't know what 'stake' we are and I don't care to know.

There are also women that seem nice but I'm an 'Ear' for them. Because I tried to be friendly they took it as 'I can call her up and dump on her' and they did until I politely stuck up for myself and then - poof - 'friend' gone because she had lost her 'Ear'.

My next door neighbor is really nice, but is jealous because her three kids can't go to a private school like mine does (she told me this). Everything is about money for her (lack of it) and it's tiring and boring. So I'm nice but friends? Not really.

Church at least I have some thing in common with the rest of the women. And I've recently taken up a hobby that does help a lot - people are interested in what you are making, etc.

For the most part I'm happy with my own company though my dh would love if I would have more friends too because I thinks I'd be generally happier with more (any) close friends here. I would. But if you are really fine as you are - and your behaviour reflects this - I'd tell him this and move on. I personally think it's very healthy to have friends - lets face it anything could happen. You could get divorced (or worse partner could pass away). It would be good to have other people to share things with.