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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my Friend stepping on my toes

42 replies

Alltheprettysheep · 20/02/2016 14:15

Name changed

I've worked with my firm for many years, have built up a strong relationships with colleagues and have progressed in my career. I enjoy my job enormously and it has become a large part of my identity. Last year I was involved in a serious accident and since then have been on long term sick leave from work. I miss work and my 'normal' life enormously. I am not sure when I will return to work.

My close friend (from university) has just advised me that she is applying for a position at my firm that I would have applied for had I still been at work. Over the years I've discussed work issues with my friend and I know I will find it difficult to hear hear her talk about work and networking with colleagues I have become close to. It is a small - medium sized firm and everyone knows everyone. Generally, I prefer to keep work and personal life separate and can't help feeling uncomfortable about her application.

She has been very supportive of me after the accident and I feel conflicted in having these negative feelings about her application.

There is no shortage of work in our field (I.T) and I can't help asking my she has applied here. The position she is applying for would not represent a promotion or pay increase for her but would be good for her career.

I know she does not owe me anything and her first commitment is to herself but I still feel miffed.

Some perspective please.

OP posts:
EarlyInTheMourning · 20/02/2016 14:18

YABU and I think you know that

Katenka · 20/02/2016 14:20

Yabu. You know Yabu.

There is nothing you can do and nothing she should do other than what she is doing.

Katenka · 20/02/2016 14:21

Also you say you can't help asking why, then say it's good for her career. That's why.

I think this has more to do with your accident and you missing being a work. So Thanks for you Smile

Oysterbabe · 20/02/2016 14:22

Yabvu.

VodkaValiumLattePlease · 20/02/2016 14:24

When you pay her bills you can have an opinion on the jobs she applies for YABU

flowery · 20/02/2016 14:25

"My close friend (from university) has just advised me that she is applying for a position at my firm that I would have applied for had I still been at work. "

But you're not at work and (presumably) not applying. Which means someone else will get it rather than you. Why would you want your friend to miss out as well as you?

Lweji · 20/02/2016 14:25

I'd be happy if my friend came to work at my firm. If I wasn't even applying (for whatever reason), then it's surely better to have a friend there than a stranger?

liinyo · 20/02/2016 14:30

It is unreasonable, but it is also completely understandable. It must feel like she is going to take over what was and should be your place in life while you are stuck at home feeling bored and isolated. Knowing that those feelings unreasonable won't make them any easier to deal with.

I am so sorry about your accident and the ongoing impact is has had on your life. I hope you are able to return to something approaching normal soon and can put this sad time behind you

Chocolate
leelu66 · 20/02/2016 14:34

Only you know your instincts, OP. Do you think there's a chance she's gone after this role at your company because you work there? Is she competitive with you in some ways? I've had friends ask if they would mind if I went for a job that I am due to be promoted for. (They don't know I'm getting the promotion but know that I'm practically doing the job, and just assumed that I'm not ambitious enough to go for it myself).

thebiscuitindustry · 20/02/2016 14:34

YABU to be annoyed with your friend. But YANBU to be fed up and sad that you can't apply yourself. I think the key is separating those two things.

chanie44 · 20/02/2016 14:35

Even though I really like my work colleagues, I don't like mixing my work and home lives a great deal.

I guess there isn't much you can do and your friend may not even get the job anyway.

AyeAmarok · 20/02/2016 14:37

YABU, sorry.

I hope you recover soon.

BeeppityBeep · 20/02/2016 14:37

YABU. - im sorry about your accident.

Would you really want a friend to miss an opportunity to work somewhere nice.

RaspberryOverload · 20/02/2016 14:38

OP, you may be on sick leave, but there anything else stopping you from applying for this position yourself? If you still work there, surely you can still apply?

CrazyandIknowit · 20/02/2016 14:43

From the way you talk about your workplace I would love to work somewhere like that.

Maybe she really likes the sound of it and would like working somewhere that has such good reviews?

I wouldn't mind at all to have a friendly face at work.

Original poster
Alltheprettysheep · 20/02/2016 14:48

I really do miss work and have had some difficulties coming to terms with how my life has changed.

Thanks for your input

OP posts:
OhYouLuckyDuck · 20/02/2016 15:00

YABU but I feel sorry for you as being in your position must be hard. [flower]

TheMaddHugger · 20/02/2016 15:05

soft (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) op Flowers

CooPie10 · 20/02/2016 15:08

Yanbu to feel upset at these opportunities go by and you being limited at the momentThanks
I think just wish your friend well, she will be a friendly face when you do go back.

MangoBiscuit · 20/02/2016 15:11

Are YABU to feel a bit miffed about a situation that's already upsetting for you? No, of course not. But doing anything about it other than being supportive would be. Your friend has every right to apply for the job, you just need to get your head around it, and try to get to a place where you don't see it as a negative. It might even be good for you, a regular, social contact to your colleagues, keeping you feeling connected.

DinosaursRoar · 20/02/2016 15:13

YABU - but it seems like you understand that. It must be hard that you've built so much of your identity and life around work to have that taken away by your health issues, but for a lot of people, work is just a job, it's nice to work somewhere pleasant, but it's not what defines them. Your friend may well be like that, particularly if she's worked for larger companies that just don't create that "this is who you are" mentality.

It's not about her taking the job, it's not like she's stepped on your toes, that would only be the case if you would be expected to apply too - it's just a job, albeit in a nice company. She's not taking over your identity, but it does sound like you need to process who you are now - if you aren't going to go back to work in the near future, you need to build a new identity and lifestyle that doesn't include working for that particular employer in that particular role.

Dontdrinkandfacebook · 20/02/2016 15:23

I understand why this is very, very hard for you and you have my sympathy but I'm sorry, YABU.

But under the circumstances no-one could hold it against you for having a little sulk over it. Just do it quietly and not directly to her.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 20/02/2016 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuperFlyHigh · 20/02/2016 15:31

YABU but you've had an accident. Are you still off work? Need to talk to us about it?

Flowers Brew

Gruntfuttock · 20/02/2016 15:45

The OP said she is still off work SuperFly

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